Baldwin is a hulking wide receiver whose game I really like. He's also the Chiefs' de facto #1 receiver, for whatever that's worth, with Brady Quinnjuice throwing shot puts at him.
Jon's the one with the dickhead hat.
Clay Harbor -- $6 to Norris
other bids: $2 to Alan
What did they do on Magnum P.I. when Tom Selleck went down? They cancelled the fucking show. What do the Eagles do when Brent Celek goes down? They try some weird spin-off where T.C. and Higgins become a gay couple and get into adventures in the helicopter.
Fuck yeah!
Dumpster Diving...
Rod Streater, $4 to Ben -- Meet the new Denarius Moore. Younger... stronger... bigger... yet still shagging passes by that sausage-stuffed colostomy bag Carson Palmer. Also, there's no "a" in Streeter, asshole.
LaMichael James, $3 to Mark -- We always play at the possibility of one of these claims becoming an actual keeper-quality player. We say it could happen, but I don't think anyone ever actually believes it. Well, in this case, I actually believe it. Is it so difficult to imagine Frank Gore going down and the electric LaMichael James exploding to lead the 49ers to the Super Bowl?
Yadda, yadda, yadda, gotta spend to win. Here's a pic of Shiva. Love that girl.
dropped: Domenik Hixon / other bids: $7 to Norris, $4 to Derrick, $2 to Chad
Nice add for Russ, but the person I want to talk about first is Derrick. Doesn't it hurt when you [smartly] pick a guy up, he produces, but then he gets hurt and you drop him... and then he ends up coming back and being a hot FAAB claim? Russ spent nearly a QUARTER of his budget on Avery, for a three week rental in the hunt for ping pong balls in the conso tourney. I've made this statement before, but I'll make it again: The correct way to manage your budget is to bid big early, land guys who might explode for the whole season. Hoarding your money only leads you to the $24 Donnie Avery claim in week 14. We as a league need to fix our behavior on this. BIG BIDS, EARLY AND OFTEN!
Google image search for "you are doing it wrong" yields this.
Paul Posluszny -- $5 to Alan
dropped: Joel Dreessen or Titus Young (tuesday drops!) / other bids: none
Poz is good enough, I guess.
Montell Owens -- $5 to Norris
dropped: Anthony Dixon / other bids: $0 to Joe
Now we're just going through the motions.
Dumpster Diving...
Justin Forsett, $4 to Kendall -- This is the third time I've added him. Ben Tate, you are a pussy.
Tony Scheffler, $3 to Kendall -- No Titus Young, no Ryan Broyles... I've got a feeling we're going to see Scheff involved as a slot receiver in Detroit.
Marcedes Lewis, $0 to Joe -- Airport Cinnabon!
Mike Thomas, $0 to Joe -- This is an interesting add. I'll stack my Scheff up against your Mike Thomas... and we both lose.
The rest? Child please.
Remaining Budgets:
Achilles Heels -- $33
Jesus the Moose -- $31
Kick Azz Giants -- $30
Glitterfist Lasersnakes -- $26
Blackpool Penguins -- $23
The Champeens -- $12
Double-O Daddy -- $6
The Magic Stick -- $5
THUNDER BEAR -- $4
Barclay Street Bruisers -- $2
Juris United -- $2
Roo Tang Clan -- $0
Nth Degree -- $0
Pink Nightmare -- $0
Biggest Claims to Date:
Rashad Jennings, $47 to Nathan on 10/24
Knowshon Moreno, $41 to Paul on 11/28
Alex Green, $32 to Mark on 10/10
Kevin Ogletree, $26 to Kendall on 9/12
T.Y. Hilton, $26 to Chad on 11/7
Jalen Parmele, $24 to Alan on 11/21
Julian Edelman, $24 to Patrick on 11/21
Rashad Jennings, $24 to Chad on 11/28
Donnie Avery, $24 to Russ on 12/5
Greg Olsen, $21 to Kendall on 9/26
Chaz Schilens, $21 to Kirk on 10/3
Danario Alexander, $21 to Mark on 11/14
DeAngelo Williams, $20 to Rookie on 11/28
Andre Brown, $19 to Russ on 9/19
LaRod Stephens-Howling, $17 to Ben on 10/24
Daniel Thomas, $16 to Rookie on 9/26
Robert Meachem, $15 to Paul on 10/10
Chris Ivory, $15 to Alan on 11/7
Marcel Reece, $15 to Kendall on 11/7
Domenik Hixon, $14 to Nathan on 10/3
David Wilson, $14 to Derrick on 11/28
Jeremy Kerley, $13 to Derrick on 9/12
Daryl Richardson, $13 to Derrick on 9/19
Tashard Choice, $13 to Patrick on 9/26
Ramses Barden, $12 to Russ on 9/26
Brandon Bolden, $12 to Paul on 10/3
Montario Hardesty, $12 to Russ on 10/17
Ryan Broyles, $12 to Rookie on 10/24
DeAngelo Williams, $12 to Joe on 11/2
Chad Henne, $12 to Rookie on 11/21
Dexter McCluster, $11 to Nathan on 9/12
Brian Hartline, $11 to Rookie on 9/19
Sidney Rice, $11 to Joe on 9/21 (Friday FAAB Rebound!)
LaRod Stephens-Howling, $11 to Rookie on 10/10
Tim Jennings, $11 to Ben on 10/31
Emmanuel Sanders, $11 to Joe on 11/7
Danny Woodhead, $10 to Patrick on 10/10
That's it for this week. But as always, remember...
The regular season is crawling away in the rear view mirror. Thoughts of sugar plums dance in the heads of the six Cup contenders. The rest are striving valiantly for personal pride and ever important 2013 draft position. As we head into the post season, let's take one last look at the numbers from the CKL's eleventh regular season.
Its been an honor, gentlemen.
Week 13 All Play Table
Notes:
This was seriously close, but I believe this might be my first ever All Play regular season crown. Kendall's late season push nearly overcame my total points advantage.
Seven teams finished within 13 games (the maximum All Play wins you can earn in one week of CKL action) of the top spot. That is borderline unbelievable parity amoung the playoff field, plus Kirk.
Joe finished in no man's land, 13 games behind Ben but 17 clear of Derrick. Clearly a man on his own.
Everyone managed to break the 1,000 point barrier.
Norris takes the regular season high score award with his 148.8 explosion in Week 12.
Russell "wins" the CKL low for 2012, with a paltry 46.8 scored in Week 7.
The "I DIDN'T INHALE" award for lowest high goes to Mark's 106.3 in Week 10.
The "I ONLY SLEEP WITH 7s OR BETTER" award for highest low is Chad's 81.6, also from Week 10.
Mr. Explosion is Norris', no doubt thanks to his high output surge at the end of the season.
Alan is Mr. Reliable, although Mark, Chad and Kirk were all close by.
Luck Index
Notes:
It was never in doubt: Achilles Heels are the unluckiest team of 2012.
Paul and Patrick tied atop the luck index, although 1.5 isn't really that extreme.
Interestingly, if Average Wins determined the playoff teams, Kirk would be in and Ben would be out.
The Hotness
Notes:
Norris and Kendall are both white hot heading into the playoffs. Watch out for those two.
The six playoff teams occupy the six top spots in The Hotness. Pretty remarkable.
Joe edges Kirk for hottest non-playoff team.
I'd feel bad for Rookie if he wasn't the Rookie.
Jenny Von Oÿ
Notes:
The inaugural Jenna is in the books. While Ben certainly had aspirations for a playoff bye only a short while ago, its somehow appropriate that Ben is the first to bed Ms. Von Oÿ.
After much strife and struggle, I see a relatively predictable path for the playoffs.
Here is how it works...
Division Champions
1. Nathan is going to win his game this week - 10-3
2. Norris beats Ben - 9-4
The Rest
3. Kendall beats Alan - 10-3
5. Paul beats Rookie and effectively eliminates me - 10-3
4. Chad wins in a squeaker - 9-4
6. Ben loses to Norris. 25 point cushion over me gets him the Oy - 9-4
1st Round
Kendall is 3rd and picks Chad as his opponent Chad and Kendall have a quiet animosity between each other's fantasy style and I think Kendall would like to prove his style of playing is better by taking Chad out.
Kendall wins that contest and moves on.
That puts Ben and Paul head to head in the nice guy finals, and I see Paul being the victor with Ben hurting for a decent flex player.
2nd Round
Nathan is going to look over the schedule and realize that Paul has the worst week 15. He'll win that game and sail on to the finals.
Kendall gets Norris. My heart wants the ratings that come from a Nathan Kendall final, but expansion team Norris will pull it out. This will teach Kendall to sit alone during the draft, and remind me to get Kendall liquored up before the draft and sit next to him.
Finals
Nathan - Norris. Thunderbear.
Nathan is back, Kendall's death grip on the cup ends, and the world is somehow better.
Okay, on to games that are meaningful and harder to predict.
Champeens at Daddy: Ticket to Ride ESPN Gameline: Mark 97.6 - Chad 131.2
With the benefit of knowing that Matt Ryan is not going to rake in his 26 points this week, things just got a whole lot more interesting in this game. The last thing I need is Chad scrounging up 100 points and losing, so if the train is coming off the tracks then I'm going to need a complete fucking Speed failure where Dennis Hopper blows up the shit up when he realizes he's not getting his money. But Chad losing and losing in a fiery derailment doesn't seem likely.
Everybody on the Daddys has a tasty match-up to end the CKL regular season except Colston last night. Eric Decker will continue to struggle to break 10, but Jamaal Charles, Owen Daniels and Bradshw should get theirs.
Mark, on the other side, really needs a big game out of Stafford, and a miracle shot from Forte. H Nicks and Cecil Shorts should do fine and any points from Dallas Clark is more of a cherry than a portion of the cream. Mark I want you to win because I hate Chad, but I need you to lose to get into the playoffs. Seems like I'll have to settle for Chad being nervous all week as he wins and I still miss the playoffs.
Penguins at Moose: Hard Rain ESPN Gameline: Norris 130.5 - Ben 107.7
Bryce Brown isn't sneaking up on anyone this week even if it is the slow to learn Cowboys. (Defense got me -1 in my other league. Little bitter.) But Tom Brady at Miami, CJ Spiller plays Jacksonville at home, Andre Johnson at Tennessee it's going to be a long play for the Moose and an even longer day for me.
And for those that believe Ben "The Boss" Bledsoe is beginning to slip going into the playoffs, let me add....well yeah. James Jones is currently the flex play for the once mighty Moose and looking at the bench....that is the best fucking play Ben has. However when the rest of the team is Lynch, Megatron, V Jax, and Gonzalalistic things could be worse. You're missing a piece Ben. Best get to dropping the Benjis on a waiver wire miracle. Make it rain.
Norris is winning and everyone gets a ticket to the post season.
Alright gentlemen, time to fuck you up with some truth. Nathan and Kendall have laid out the stakes and evil duo of Ben-Kirk is here to tell you how things are going to play out.
United at Nightmare: Eat that Shit Fucker! ESPN Gameline: Alan 108.1 - Kendall 124.9
Alan I want you to win very badly here. I love Kendall more than any man I have known, but having the Nightmare fall short of grace would add another fucking chapter to this storied season. And having the 1-11 team reach up with its dying hand and steal it away would lay a motherfucking cherry on top.
But alas, the stories that make up life generally do not come from the pages of Penthouse Forum. And for you I do not see the last minute foursome with three wet slutty cheerleaders who have daddy issues and bondage tendencies. No your final curtain call this season will be swallowing the hot jizz that flows from Kendall ripe dick as he realize that he has made the playoffs again. Don't let it linger Alan, swallow it down quick and remember that Demaryius Thomas and Dwayne Bowe will still be there for you next year.
Snakes at Stick: See you next season ESPN Gameline: Patrick 108.5 - Russ 83.7
Patrick you are going to win. Your team is better. Your match-ups are better. Russ is beating on Larry Fitz and T Rich to carry him over the line but that won't overcome Reese and Bennett weighing him down. Also his kicker sucks.
However long term I don't know who you are going to keep. Good luck with that shit.
Russ as the season closes down, let's take this moment once again to reflect with you. To reflect on another season of pointless ambition and hours of wasted effort.
Here is the historic record of failure that is your legacy.
2005 - 3-11
2006 - 5-9
2007 - 4-10
2008 - 6-8
2009 - 7-7
2010 - 4-10
2011 - 6-7
2012 - 5-8 or 6-7....does it matter?
Don't think you are getting the most improved fuck you trophy this year.
Russ you are officially the league's bent over whore just waiting patiently to be fuck. Let it not be said you are a cheap whore, because cheap whores don't garner respect when you brag about fucking them. No I think your name cares some weight in some circles among some unnamed team managers, but in the end you are a whore just the same. So ready yourself for one more meaningless encounter as someone else pounds out another W from your eternal ass of giving.
And both of you please remember that this weekend I am playing for the playoffs, while you are playing with yourselves.
Oh the pressure and tension in air. Lots of new blood on the cusp of their first playoff run. It would be so fun to have the three and three mix of us blue division new comers and the orange old guard. But as Kendall demonstrated, no one is safe and Kirk is skulking around the dark, back alley like a methed-out tranny prostitute. Which song will your Under Pressure bass line lead into?
Wanna be a Rock and Roll Hall of Famer or a skinny white joke of a rapper? Hey man, I appreciate the cultural significance and love, but you know in your heart it is hilarious, not good.
Kirk and I plan to wrap the regular season with our weekly predictions as well as a prediction for the playoffs. Here goes.
Roo Tang Clan (5-7) vs. Achilles Heels (4-8): A Quilt of You Bitches
ESPN Line: Heels - 18.8
Well, all those fireworks about the Jenna apparently started a raging fire that quickly burned Kirk's points edge up. What happened, man? And can we at least agree that the twist fired up league and made things interesting in an otherwise cut and dried year for playoff seperation. You know it has been fun. Admit it.
Kirk and Joe both roll in with the Stone of Shame and hoping by some miracle the CKL gods give them the Stone of Triumph.
These guys have good teams with bad fortunes. It's been said a million times. So who gets to be less unfortunate. My head says Kirk, but my heart says Joe. Kirk has the recognizable players, while Joe has the effort and upside. Kirk has greasy hair and Joe has Mr. Fantastic hair. Kirk sells cars and Joe sells shoes. Kirk likes the letter X in his kids names and Joe starts all his with the letter L. Kirk gets drunk and pukes in my car while Joe gets drunk and pukes in my toilet after singing to it. It is just so hard to choose.
Gotta go with Joe here, riding a wave of young talent. Kirk runs into frustration as the Packers / Vikes rivalry turns into a low scoring affair.
Roo 103, Heels 90
Thunder BEAR/BUCCANEER (9-3) vs. Kick Azz Giants (5-7)
ESPN Line: TBear - 13.1
No team looks stronger and more likely to garner the #1 seed than Nathan's Thunder. He loves Dougie Fresh so much that he renamed his team the TBucs. And for good reason. A rookie RB as the #2 fantasy back? Unbelievable! And a rookie QB as #1 scorer overall? Un-fucking-believable! You look like a drafting genius Nate.
On the other hand, Doc's legendary magic seems to have finally run out this year. Lots of injuries and not a lot of hope. The KAG is storing up keeper nuts for the offseason in hopes of a revival in 2013. It's not a gimme for Nathan, but the odds are stacked pretty heavily against Derrick.
TBEAR/BUC 121, KAG 96
Barclay Street Bruisers (9-3) vs. Nth Degree (3-9)
ESPN Line: Nth - 3
I have been watching the Nth Degree devolve this year like a hunk of prime rib rotting in the sun. At this point I feel like someone has tied me with a full port-a-potty on one side and the decayed beef on the other. It stinks and I can hardly breath, but thank god I am not locked inside that port-a-potty with Alan. And hey, maybe in some crazy land rotten meat is a delicacy. I mean, just because I don't like Roddy White of Run DMC doesn't mean they won't be tasty in the short term.
So, Paul should win this affair despite the shocking ESPN line. I like Luck, Rice and Ridley (and curse you for shelling out more bones than me for Moreno, who will sit on the bench). It might be close, as I am still a little iffy on rolling with two Green Bay receivers, but the Rookie is in a death spiral that seems impossible to pull out of.
No, not that. This:
Bruisers 112, Nth 91
So, now on to the playoff predictions. Here is what I see happening:
Obviously Nathan and Paul are winners, so they are in. Both 10-3
I remain optimistic and confident, so I'm not afraid to pick myself over Norris. Ben 10-3, Norris 8-5
Pink beats Juris. Kendall at 10-3, but Paul passes him on points.
Then it gets interesting: Mark beats Chad to send OOD to 8-5 as well.
Kirk doesn't close the gap and the six above make it in.
Nathan is #1 seed
Ben #2
Paul #3
Kendall #4
Norris #5
Chad #6
Paul calls out Chad in round one, but loses
Norris takes down Kendall
Nathan chooses Chad and wins
Norris beats me in the rematch (I am not that confident)
BEAR over Penguin in the finals
Adios, amigos. Looking forward to a fun week of football.
