So, I feel pretty bad about missing my side of this write-up last week, so yeah, I sorry. Life just seems to get more and more complicated and for whatever reason, I decide to let fun things slide. You know the type of thing that might help ease the weight of adult responsibility and lighten your mood through some healthy insults of close friends and their make-believe american football franchises?
Anyway, apologies to the eight of you that didn't get any attention last week. My bad. I am an ass, but I'll try my best to make up for it with a little added effort this week. On with the show. Sexy Badasses vs. Juris United Game Line: Sexy by 36...!!!
I have no idea why we even include these game lines. I guess they are fun, but c'mon, a 36 point prediction? We can all agree that Kirk's team is legit, but that seems absurd.
You don't know where that finger has been.
On the other hand, I also think we can all agree that Alan deserves such a beat-down until such time that he removes Judge Judy from the hallowed logo picture position. I am so tired of see that doily collar that I hesitate to even look at his weekly scores because I know my mood will instantly drop 5 notches. Then, I'll start drinking heavily and before you know it I've either wrapped my car around a tree, the cops are at the door for a domestic disturbance, or two of the college girls next door are pregnant. Please change that logo Alan, for my health, sanity and family's sake.
But the reality of this situation is that the Sexy Badasses have too much firepower. AP, Rodgers, Wallace, CJ2K and Vernon have too much potential in comparison to Matthews, Bowe, and the lesser Manning. Alan has to hope for Demaryius to repeat week one, Royal to continue to surprise, and Mario Williams to score again like he is a franchise running back.
Sexy Badasses by 20 or so.
My apologies for this video. It is terrible, but it made me laugh when I searched pregnant college girls. Man, I am full of apologies tonight.
THUNDER Bear vs. Pink Nightmare Game Line: Pink by 24...???
This is the game of the week and again the line does not paint an accurate picture. It looks like parody straight down the line to me, with maybe a little edge at RB to Bear and at WR for Pink. This one is hard to call, so let's think this through.
I hate both your quarterbacks. Vick is, well, Michael fucking Vick: scourge to all Virginia fans of the late '90s; killer of dogs; and spawn of Satan. He can run and throw and jump and probably has a 24 inch dong, but ultimately, he will never win and will consistently let you down. Romo seems like someone I should like. He comes from a small school, has a little charm, plays kinda gritty and even looks a little bit like me. But he is also ultimately a loser who will consistently let you down...and he looks a little like me, so I hate him. Even odds here.
Martin vs. Morris and Bush vs. Foster are match-ups that throw some serious wood. Expectations are high for all these guys, but surprisingly it is Bush with the only electric game so far. Martin and Foster have done some damage without blowing anyone's mind and Morris has not quite looked himself yet. I like both Nate's guys here with a potential breakout by Foster against an uncharacteristically weak Ravens defense.
God, I wish I had a chair.
The receivers go to Kendall. It's gonna be a shootout between the Packers and Bengals, so Green will gobble up a thousand catches for two million yards and sixty five touchdowns. Victor Cruz was the steal of the draft for Pink, so I imagine he is practicing his salsa dance steps every night in the mirror while Becky rolls her eyes at him and tries to make some absurd new bet to get him to agree to another kid. BMarsh and Vjax just can't keep up with this duo or the mesmerizing dance moves of Kendall Howell.
Nate might have a slight edge at tight end, but Pink has him on defense. So maybe this will come down to a kickers' dual. It will certainly be closer than 24 points.
I want to pick the upset, but know better. Pink by five.
Champeens vs. Voodoo Browns Game Line: Browns by 12.5...$$$
If we were concerned with the trade that brought Richardson to Joe's team, it surely escalated this week with him moving to the Browns. Although he may not hit the ground running in Indy, Trent is in a much better place and the Colts look like the offensive team of the future. I am guessing VooDoo-land is pretty happy, but all those eggs in the Colts' basket has to be a little unnerving. Anytime you want to diversify Joe, I'll gladly trade you for Luck or Richardson.
This week Joe gets to take on Mark, who I could also beg to change his logo, but (1) it somehow fits Mark's personality and (2) me talking about how much I hate it would only spur him to keep it up longer. So, piss off too, Fulton.
It is another hard one to call, but due to the aforementioned newness of Richardson in Indianapolis, I gotta side with Mark. The Green Bay/Cincy score-a-thon will cancel out the continued big number surprises from Starks and Jones. The QBs will probably be about equal. Graham will kill it for Joe, but both Welker and Forte will kill it for Mark. Joe, of course, gets to feel the joy of a Chicago win at the cost of a fantasy loss.
Champeens by 9
Glitterfist Lasersnakes vs. Double-O Daddy Game Line: Daddy by 21......
There, there Paulie
Well shit, Patrick, thanks a ton for firing off red-hot Manning in a trade with Paul days before I have to play him. No one was prepared for the year's most amazing trade to come through the Snakes, so good for you Even more, I would have never guessed Paul would release Ray Rice. That must have hurt your heart. It was a great move for both you guys though.
So, the new look Lasersnakes, take on DOOD. Week one saw Chad rocket up some big numbers and week two saw him come crashing down without a parachute. Which Daddy is the true Daddy? Patrick had leaned on Manning the past few weeks, so you gotta imagine he is unsure what to expect from this new group of players (hint - they are pretty damn good and young, so yeah).
I think Chad returns to week one form and takes this home. I believe in the Chiefs (I don't know why either) and really like Jamaal Charles. He is fun to watch. Matt Ryan is like a 20+ point Swiss watch and Owen Daniels does nothing but catch touchdowns.
Patrick has a chance here, but Russell Wilson needs to throw more for him to win and I am betting that Lynch will be carrying the ball all day against the Jags. Dez will probably have another big day, but I'd bet on limited involvement from the injured Ray Rice. Really like the new team, Patrick, this just isn't your week.
Double-O Daddy by 13
Apology accepted?
Yes? Aww thanks.
No? You fucking bastard!
I have pneumonia. Like, for real. But it doesn't fucking matter, because it's time for Wednesday FAABnalysis. Apologies if this shit isn't as good as it usually is. I'm sick! Fuck you! Fuck off! Hey, fuck you, fuck off, and go fuck yourself.
Cash ain't nothin but trash. Rookie and Joe seem to think so. But before we get into that, some stats:
-- 18 claims -- 12 cash claims -- $87 total FAAB money spent -- $7.25 average per cash grab
More pussy shit, but it's getting better, trending upward. Nice work, guys. Now, your homework for this week is to spend a little more time with your dick in your hands, seeing what it feels like, wielding your sword, practicing how to act like a fucking MAN for next Wednesday's bidding.
Okay, before we get into today's claims, I want to hit on a big one from the weekend.
Donald Brown -- $15 to Kirk
dropped: Vick Ballard
other bids: none
Kirk asked me, point blank, if I thought $15 was too much to bid on Donald Brown. He asked me this on Friday, after the news broke on Ballard's injury, but when I was rocking a 102 fever and not thinking straight. So I texted something back about $11, but $15 wasn't too high, whatever. Whatever, whatever. Whatever, whatever, whatever. Kirk, Donald Brown sucks. Even with Ballard gone, the path to playing time isn't clear. Kerwynn Williams ultimately might be the guy for the vacated Ballard role, not shit-stepping Donald Brown. Donald Brown is the antithesis of a sexy badass. But this isn't to slam on the pick-up. $15 for Brown, given the need/desire to replace a lost asset in Ballard, was fine. I actually think that $15 should be the CKL's new $5 -- as in, the 'meh' sort of bid on a so-so player who might see an increased opportunity to produce. But if I'm being honest here, Donald Brown sucks, the Colts o-line sucks, and this was a waste of cash. Sorry Kirk. This might be a classic case of throwing good money after bad. Congrats on beating out NO ONE ELSE in order to land a player NO ONE WANTS.
ClaimGrade (TM pending)-- D
Alright, today's claims...
Felix Jones -- $21 to Rookie
dropped: Brent Celek
other bids: none
I didn't understand this claim at first, until I considered Rookie's stake in Le'Veon Bell. Clearly, Fux-It Felix is the Steelers' de facto 'workhorse' until Bell returns to action, so I guess that has some value. The Steelers aren't as bad as they played against Tennessee, or as bad as the Bengals made them look on Monday night (WHO DEY, the Cincy defense is going to make a lot of offenses look bad!) But if I'm being honest here, Felix Jones sucks, the Steelers o-line sucks, and this was a waste of cash. Sorry Rookie. This might be a classic case of throwing good money after bad. Congrats on beating out NO ONE ELSE in order to land a player NO ONE WANTS.
ClaimGrade -- D
James Starks -- $20 to Joe
dropped: Isaac Redman
other bids: $17 to Derrick, $12 to Patrick, $9 to Ben, $7 to Nathan
First, and most importantly -- Why wasn't Isaac Redman the victim of a Tuesday Drop??? Missed opportunity there, Joe. Okay, the Starks claim... This is Eddie Lacy's job. He earned it in camp, and he's the better player. Yes, he's out right now with a concussion, and yes, Starks is now clearly the #2 guy in Green Bay. But check out the upcoming schedule: @ Cincy, bye week, Detroit, @ Baltimore, Cleveland. Tough sledding. This claim does not appear to present any sort of return on investment, Joseph. I have a soft spot in my own heart for the hard-running Starks, and his presence with a newly-claimed role in an offense that is worth at least half a damn merits some real bids. I know Joe is happy with landing the guy, and seeing a solid $20 bid makes me happy. But if I'm a betting man, I'm laying my own money on Joe not getting the production he thinks he's getting from a $20 FAAB claim. HOWEVER, thank you for swinging your dick like a sword this week, Joe. The same goes to Rookie. You two guys will help the rest of us urge our testicles to drop.
ClaimGrade -- C-minus
Robert Turbin -- $11 to Paul
dropped: E.J. Manuel
other bids: $1 to Ben
I had to look it up. What did Turbin do to earn this claim? I guess he's playing over Christine Michael, so Paul slipped in the back door of Ben's sandwich and sex shop to steal the fuzzycuffs. I loved Turbin coming out of Utah State, hard runner, tough guy, etc. I think he's more Lynchlike than Christine Michael, so if Beast Mode goes down, it stands to reason that Turbin is the primary beneficiary. I can get behind an $11 bid to swipe a handcuff in a running offense like Seattle's. I like it, Paulie. You do, however, get dinged for bidding only against yourself in order to make the claim. You also get dinged for dropping the exciting upside of E.J. Manuel in order to add Turbin. (I'm already looking forward to the "Friday Rebound" bidding circus over Manuel. I'm in the market for a 4th quarterback, so I've got my lettuce ready.)
ClaimGrade -- C+
Aldon Smith -- $10 to Chad
dropped: Eric Berry
other bids: $0 to Joe, $0 to Nathan
Hell, Aldon Smith is probably an elite-level IDP in our league. [Sarcasm alert!] I'm sure the 1.75 sacks-per-game pace will continue. Is Aldon Smith on his way to 28 sacks this season? Considering that the all-time record is 22.5 (and that took Brett Favre bending over to receive Mike Strahan's ample member up the eager asterisk of his butthole), I kinda have my doubts. But herein lies the new strategy of DPs. Shoot for the upside of sacks, or for the safety of tackles? Chad is playing the role of risk-taker, and he shelled out a Hamilton for the right to roll the dice each week. If you're gambling for sacks, Aldon Smith is the right guy to have.
ClaimGrade -- B-minus
Charles Clay -- $9 to Chad
dropped: Brandon Gibson
other bids: $6 to Derrick, $5 to Mark, $5 to Ben, $1 to Nathan, $0 to Kendall
Now this one, I like. The Fins are probably glad Dustin Keller got creamed in the preseason, so they can properly deploy the swiss army knife of talent they have in Charles Clay. Chad likes chalktalk, and prefers it to the stupid shit I usually offer up in these spaces, so I'll indulge him in my commentary on this claim. Here goes (and please read the following in boring sportscaster monotone.) A former college running back at Tulsa, the 6-3, 255 Clay is a versatile player who just hasn’t been able to quite find a position in the NFL yet. He had the same problem in college. For the Golden Hurricane he was a running back, but often played H-back too, because he was such a good receiver. Great feet, great hands, balance, body control, and the size to be an impact in-line blocker. Clay has now put two good games together to start the season, including his 5-109 performance on Sunday. He also infuriated Rookie (our Lamar Miller owner) by taking his first career carry in for a earth-shaking 1-yard touchdown run. Clay has shown flashes before and then disappeared, but if the douchenozzle Miami coaches have finally found a way to utilize his versatility, he should become a dependable fantasy player. 1 part fullback + 1 part H-back + 1 part tight end + 1 part stud = Charles Clay. Love the claim, Chad. (I thought I might be able to sneak him out for $6, but I forgot to adjust my bid prior to noon. Jordan Reed is my consolation prize.) Derrick, with no healthy tight ends on your roster, you should have bid more than $6 for Clay. Point blank.
ClaimGrade -- A
Kendall Wright -- $8 to Joe
dropped: Kenny Britt
other bids: $3 to Nathan
This is not rocket science. Kendall Wright is a talented young player who only needs a stable role in a good offense in order to explode. The only thing I don't like about him - and ultimately, the reason I dropped him - is the fact that there is a load of other good receivers competing for looks in a run-first offense led by a shitty quarterback. With Wright, you're tied to Jake Locker's Tebowish arm, and you're sorting through the flotsam and jetsam of Kenny Britt, Nasty Nate Washington, and now Justin Hunter. Put Kendall Wright on the Ravens, and he's a top-20 wide receiver for fantasy. On the Patriots he'd be top-5. But on the Titans? Top-75? Maybe? There's a lot of Randall Cobb in Wright, but there's not much Aaron Rodgers in Jake Locker (unless you consider that literally, as in gay love and anal penetration.)
ClaimGrade -- C+
He touched you, Jake! He touched you!
Andre Ellington -- $6 to Kendall
dropped: Brandon Bolden
other bids: $1 to Joe
I bid $6 because I was afraid someone might bid $5. I dropped Brandon Bolden because I realized that Bill Belichick is worse than Mike Shanahan. Ellington is Gio Bernard, but playing for the Cardinals. Bruce Arians loves to throw the football, and the one thing Ellington does by far better than any other back in Arizona is catch the ball and make plays in space. On a day when Felix Jones and James Starks are going for $20, I'll gladly take this lottery ticket for $6.
ClaimGrade -- B+
Jason Snelling -- $5 to Derrick
dropped: Mohamed Sanu
other bids: $0 to Nathan
Steven Jackson is down, Jaquizz Rodgers probably can't handle the power running needs the Falcs will encounter, and Snell-Dawg has a good track record of being able to produce as the #2 guy in Atlanta. Nothing stinks here, it's all roses.
ClaimGrade -- B+
Dumpster Diving...
Stephen Hill, $4 to Mark -- Geno Smith might not be totally horrendous, and this is the guy who'll benefit the most if that's true. Hill has WR2 upside, I would say... if you can stomach the Jets. Nice claim, Mark.
Marcel Reece, $0 to Rookie -- Bravo, Rookie. Way to land a good player and undo the dicey Carson Palmer claim, all in one fell swoop. Reece, the dancing bear, has a chance to be damn good in the Raiders' suddenly-decent offense.
Jerrell Freeman, $0 to Joe -- This is listed here only because Joe dropped Patrick Willis to make it happen. I would rather have Willis, personally.
Ryan Tannehill, $0 to Kendall -- Why not? He looks pretty good.
Jordan Reed, $0 to Kendall -- Meet the new TE1 in Washington; Aaron Hernandez without the execution killings.
Remaining Budgets Juris United -- $100 Blackpool Penguins -- $100 THUNDER BEAR -- $97 The Champeens -- $96 Glitterfist Lasersnakes -- $96 Jesus the Moose -- $92 The Magic Stick -- $92 Barclay Street Bruisers -- $89 The Sexy Badasses -- $85 Kick Azz Giants -- $84 Double-O Daddy -- $81 Pink Nightmare -- $77 Sic Semper Tyrannis Rex -- $71 Voodoo Browns -- $57
Top-10 Biggest Claims of the Season 1) Felix Jones -- $21 to Rookie on 9/18/13
2) James Starks -- $20 to Joe on 9/18/13
3) Donald Brown -- $15 to Kirk on 9/14/13
4) Robert Turbin -- $11 to Paul on 9/18/13
4) Leonard Hankerson -- $11 to Derrick on 9/11/13 4) Marlon Brown -- $11 to Kendall on 9/11/13
7) Aldon Smith -- $10 to Chad on 9/18/13
8) Charles Clay -- $9 to Chad on 9/18/13 9) Philip Rivers -- $8 to Ben on 9/11/13 9) Brandon Jacobs -- $8 to Joe on 9/11/13 9) Harry Douglas -- $8 to Russ on 9/11/13
That's it for this week, but as always, remember...
Do you ever vary your start/sit decisions based on your opponent? Do you consider playing a less risky, lower ceiling player against a "weak" team, rather than go for the boom or bust potential home run hitter? Or are you always chasing upside? And how bad does a matchup have to be for a particular player before you considering benching him for a "lesser" option?
The answers to the questions reveal a bit of the personal philosophy that goes into lineup decisions. Sometimes, the makeup of your team is such that lineup decisions are no-brainers; you have clear cut starters and pine-riders. Other times, you're in weekly, sometimes daily struggles to figure out your QB, WR2, or FLEX play. I think its worth considering the above questions when making these decisions, not only so that you feel you've made the correct one, but so that your process can be honed. If you know what you want, how to get it, and have practiced it thoroughly beforehand, you might just make the right lineup call when something unexpected happens. Like when a gun is to your head because something unexpected happened when inactives are announced or a player pulls up lame during pregame warmups.
Admittedly, this is a bit esoteric. But c'mon guys, its me.
Week 2 Thoughts
Nathan: Vick vs. RG3: Until I see something from Bob’s wheels, I’m rolling with Vick. Karma be damned.
This wasn't really that difficult of a decision. The volume of plays in Chip Kelly's offense, combined with RG3's lack of rushing production (a HUGE part of his 2012 value), makes Vick both the safer and higher upside play. And yes, I'm terrified of the injury propensity of both of these guys.
Performance: Vick 33.1 (and it could've been bigger), RG3 23.9.
Alan: Any consideration of Andre Roberts over Bowe? Talent differential is clear, but Week 1 wasn’t good for Bowe. At least you’re not overreacting to last week, and with Robert’s P, this is easily the right call.
Bowe didn't get much action in Week 1. And Andre Roberts looks to be the second option on a pass-heavy team.
Performance: Bowe 11.6, Roberts 3.6. Alan stuck with the talent, which was ultimately the correct all.
Mark: Bench Shorts?
I didn't provide Mark any alternatives. I just thought it was worth considering benching Shorts. After this week, that'll certainly be on his mind, as he went from having one really solid starting WR to about four or five. Things move fast in FF.
Performance: Shorts 9.3. Totally acceptable as a starting WR, but Floyd, Hopkins, and James Jones outscored him sitting on Mark's bench. None would have provided Mark a win, but now he gets to enjoy lineup decisions with an embarrassment of riches, instead of a pile of soggy rags. We'll probably see the three-wide showing up for the Peens, sooner rather than later.
Kirk: Wallace/Hartline
This one was brought up in the match up Smackboard, and for good reason. Wallace disappointed in Week 1, while Hartline flourished. Wallace bitched and moaned, which at this point has to be taken as a sign to be sure you start the bitcher/moaner the following week.
Performance: Wallace 17.5, Hartline 6.8. I'm really impressed by the number of CKL coaches that didn't overreact to Week 1's scores. Sticking to your guys and rolling with talent over past production is a sign of maturity. Well done, Kirk.
Patrick: sorry bro that is a disgusting bench
Provided without commentary.
Joe: Anyone but Redman? Probably not. And will he start that Kicker?
I hate that this particular issue cost Joe a game. But could he really have considered starting Kenny Britt or any of his backup RBs over Redman? Dubious, at best.
Performance: Redman 1.1 points. He got hurt and he lost the game for the Brownies.
Paul: Brown or Decker over Gio?
The one that got away. Gio disappointed in Week 1 and I thought either receiver would probably have bounce back games. Both Paul and I were wrong.
Performance: Brown 2.6, Decker 8.7, Gio 18.5. Totally understand why he started Decker (I would've too), but sometimes its better to ride a RB. Crapshoot.
Derrick: need a TE bro
Picking up a startable TE could've won you the game. Randle, Sanu and Hankerson would've all been worth sacrificing for a double yoo.
Performance: Allen and Gronk didn't play, big fat 0 points. Lost to the Bruisers by 3.6.
Rookie: guess you don’t really have another options besides Miller. Tough.
So true. But sometimes desperation plays pay off.
Performance: Miller 13.5 points in a TREX win.
Russ: your team is actually pretty good. Way to go.
Time for reflections on the predictions from the weekend. I feel that everyone in media that forecasts should keep a tally of there abilities. And after a time maybe you don't listen to those that can't do their job well. Ben did not post predictions last week, but he is the boss so suck it I did and did so poorly as is evidence by the red Xs. Glitterfist Lasersnakes (94.6) vs. Voodoo Browns (93.6) ESPN Gameline: Even Odds - Kirk Gameline: Joe by 12 I feel like I nailed Patrick's team pretty well in the prediction. Darren Sproles (RB) sucks and I predicted it. I missed Dez Bryant (WR) and should have given a little more love to Bradshaw (RB), but overall a went upper 90's and the Snakes landed at 94.6. Where I missed the game was with Mike Williams (WR) and Trent Richardson (RB). I said excellent and they were not. Mike Williams is excellent, but Josh Freeman (QB) has to serve him the ball and that is not the best situation. Trent Richardson (RB) is excellent and so too is the Baltimore defense and I should have adjusted for that. Steve Smith (WR) and Issac Redman (RB) are still not my cup of tea and soon will not be Joe's either. It was a close game but I called Joe by a dozen so clearly incorrect. ESPN called Even Odds so I give them a point. The Magic Stick (97.1) vs. Jesus the Moose (134.7) ESPN Gameline: Russ by 6 - Kirk Gameline: Russ by 7
I completely blew the call on this game and could not be happier. I truly felt dirty after calling it. I vouched for 100 to 110 on the Jesus and they served up 134.7 on the performance of Megatron (WR), Lynch (RB), and reluctantly... Frenchy Garcon (WR). Frank Gore (RB) sucked it up with 3 points but the 49ers had nothing for the Seahawks's Defense. Russ, out of spite, refused to win due to my prediction. Fitzgerald (WR) gave a merger 3.3 after hurting this hamstring. Old Man River Gonzalez (TE), with plenty of targets, mirrored that with 3.3. Both should have delivered 10 more points and that gets you to 107 instead of the losing 97.1, but still Ben would have won. So Moose wins, Russ loses. It's win-win for me, but lose-lose for ESPN's and my prediction. Blackpool Penguins (98.4) vs. Pink Nightmare (99.0) ESPN Gameline: Kendall by 21 - Kirk Gameline: Kendall 20+ I chalk this game up to AJ Green (WR) not being a dominating force in the Pittsburgh game. I gave Cook (TE) too much credit in the Atlanta game and not enough to Julio Jones (WR) but overall that where I expected Norris to end up. Yeah AJ Green (WR) and maybe a little more love from Victor Cruz (WR) and Pink rolls strong. I called the right team but completely missed the line. ESPN and I hang our heads while taking the Green Check.
Overall I slip to 3 and 4 in terms of predictions and Ben holds at 2 and 1.
Last week I went 50/50 on my picks and Ben did something...I don't know I have been too lazy to look. Anyway, I am going to start a follow up article to these muses on Tuesday called Tuesday Reflections or some other nonsense that will recap our picks because then it's fresh and I care. So...well then....here we go. Glitterfist Lasersnakes at Voodoo Browns ESPN Gameline: Even Odds
Patrick blew it up last week but most everyone would chalk that up to Peyton Manning and they would be correct. This may be the year of the Snake (my Chinese birth year by the way, along with Kendall, Joe and Ben by the by), but when I look at this team I see a lot more Glitter than Fist. Kinda went around the bend on that last statement but the point is Dez Bryant (WR) is not going to score twice this weekend nor is TY Hilton (WR). Those on their own cut 14 points off the top. The Manning (QB) prediction I kinda get here of 18.8, but I would have gone a little higher to 24. Never liked Darren Sproles (RB) and had him waste away on my bench several times. Because of that bench rot I will cut his number from 14 to 9. And fucking Bradshaw (RB)...I really could care less about the players on this team. I do like Tillman (CB). So take 114.1 minus 14ish and I see maybe upper 90s. And in this corner... I might start a blog devoted just to Joe Sellers and his fantasy career. It's action packed and if my prediction holds true at least 1 of his main starts will be on another team in a fortnight. This week Tannehill (QB) fell by the wayside for Brandon Jacobs (RB). Deniis Pitta (TE) falls to Da'Rel Scott (RB). Neither of the fresh additions are in the line up so it looks like Joe is trying to find the next big runner behind David Wilson in New York with Andre Brown out. Or he is working a deal with Doc. Either way...love it. Andrew Luck (QB) good, Trent Richardson (RB)...good, Mike Williams (WR)...okay, Jimmy Graham (TE)...excellent. Steve Smith (WR) and Issac Redman (RB) aren't my cup of tea (neither badass or sexy) but they fill the holes in the 2 tier. Patrick Willis (LB) will do better this week for Joe. Joe I would pick up a new kicker (Seahawks) but what you have going here works. Joe should take this by a dozen.
The Magic Stick vs. Jesus the Moose ESPN Gameline: Russ by 6 And all the Moose in Mooseville breathed in a sigh of relief as the Jesus fell in the first game of the season. It felt like things were okay again and the weight of a championship slipped off our shoulders. Now we can take off the suit & tie of success and free ball it as the bright spotlight of success shines on the Big Pink for a while. What happened last week is Megatron (RB) and Lynch (WR) still had some rust in the joints and only put up a combined 8.9 points. This week the monsters should return for their 30+. Old fucking Frenchy Garcon (WR) will continue to disappoint. Even with RG3 (QB) airing it out all day long he only managed 7.2. Please sell him off to Chad for magic beans of Amendola (WR) or something. (maybe one of Joe's new hot big city RBs). Don't tell anyone, but this is still a good team so a 100 to 110 performance is expected. Russ you got a wonderful new logo and it makes me see his team in a whole new light. Cam Newton (QB) is still Sexy if no longer badass. LeSean McCoy (RB) and Larry Fitz (WR) in the 1st Tier are excellent. Old Man River Gonzalez (TE) paired with Jordy Nelson (WR) is good. And well someone had to have DeAngelo Williams (RB) if the Rookie (punkass) is not going to float him on his team. This is a solid team Russ. Who picked it for you? I am going to go with Russ this week over the Moose. He's got a solid team and that should mean something coming from me because I fucking hate Russ. Russ by 7. Blackpool Penguins vs. Pink Nightmare ESPN Gameline: Kendall by 21
Stop the presses for a story from the field: Kendall has a good team. I know it's not unexpected but still it is pretty impressive. One amazing player after another: Top Tier: Tomy Romo (QB), Alfred Morris (RB), AJ Green (WR) Second Tier: Victor Cruz (WR), Arian Foster (RB), Jordan Cameron (TE)
And Kendall is still making moves with this IDPs. His kicker (NE) is set to post 15 points. Kendall could break his team into 2 teams and still beat half of us each week. That is the world we live in. The Penguins are good and Norris has to be pleased with Jared Cook (TE) going off for 25 points. CJ Spiller (RB) should do better than last week, but even if Brady (QB) goes Manning (QB) all over the Jets (suck) I just don't see Norris making up the gap. Big Pink rolls by 20+
The first week of FAAB is always the most important, the most crucial, and the trickiest to navigate. Potentially.
With that as the backdrop, and with a caffeine pill popped so I can conjure the appropriate amount of fervor and wit (and profanity), we will tackle today's FAABnalysis.
But first, some theme music.
Eat the rich. Indeed. But I am officially running out of songs about money. Any ideas? Post in the comments.
Okay, kids. Today's FAABnalysis. To summarize:
-- 15 claims -- 11 cash claims -- $61 total FAAB money spent -- $5.55 average per cash grab
We're pussy-footing into FAAB, yet again.
To the players!
Leonard Hankerson -- $11 to Derrick dropped: Denard Robinson -- REDSHIRT BURNED! other bids: none
I hate seeing perfectly good redshirts burned on shaky FAAB claims, but to me, this one passes the sniff test. I had $5 on Hanky, if I failed the Marlon Brown bid (spoiler alert: I did not fail the Marlon Brown bid.) I think Doc just landed the Skins' #3 wideout, with a chance to see more red zone and end zone looks after he clearly earned more of those juicy 6-point targets against the Iggles on Monday night. Maybe not a super-sexy badass, but Hanky is a big, athletic, young guy with certain upside in the Redskins offense. I like the claim, Derrick. You were double-digit bid bold, and that's what I like to see.
This is a picture of Aldrick Robinson, but do you really know the difference?
Marlon Brown -- $11 to Kendall dropped: Kendall Wright other bids: $8 to Paul, $6 to Rookie, $6 to Nathan, $5 to Mark
A wise man once told me: "Marlon Brown is the 2nd-best WR/TE on the Ravens roster right now." For $11, and badly in need of a WR3 for the Pink Nightmare, I will take that! Meanwhile, I'm relieved there was some peripheral action on Brown, lest I look like a fool for dropping $11 on the guy. But look, I said it last year and I'll say it again now -- the nickel-and-dime bullshit doesn't / won't / can't / shouldn't work in the CKL's FAAB. Big bids, especially early in the season, that's the path to FAAB success. Throw haymakers, son. Make it rain to see the titties.
My claims gets pictures that make them look awesome. Your claims get disparaging, denegrating pics that suggest fellatio.
Philip Rivers -- $8 to Ben dropped: Josh Freeman other bids: none
Ben's been taking my sloppy seconds his whole life, so why stop now? Wanna know what pisses me off the most about Philip Rivers? One L in Phillip. Give me a fucking break. What's next? Philyp Rivers? Phylllyp? Fylllllypp? I'll just go with Nathan on this one, and just call the bitch Phyllis.
Ready to receive dick, into mouth.
Brandon Jacobs -- $8 to Joe dropped: Ryan Tannehill other bids: $7 to Rookie
Sorry Joe, but I think Da'Rel Scott was the correct claim to make here. Maybe I'm wrong. Heck, I probably am wrong, I've been wrong all my life. But I'm pretty sure that since Jacobs was cut from the Niners, he's been living in a house trailer with JaMarcus Russell, mainlining Purple Drank, gorging on fried turkeylegs, and pounding meth whores. Can Jacobs help the Giants right now? His primary upside is that he's not a former Hokie or Terrapin, so there's hope. Plus, he's a fat running back, always one of my favorite player archetypes (close second: white wide receivers with long hair).
But good on Jacobs for this:
Glass houses, B-Jake. Ain't it grand to throw some stones? Harry Douglas -- $8 to Russ dropped: Marcedes Lewis other bids: $4 to Mark
Aside from having a name that makes him sound like a porn star... uhhh... what was I going to say? Oh, aside from his name, Hairy Douglas has a little game. I think he's at best the Falcs' #4 option in the passing game, and #5 if S-Jax can really catch as well as people seem to think. But hey, don't let the minimized role dissuade you here, Russ. Hairy can play. He's always one of those guys I'd love to roster if our bench had about five more spots. If Roddy ain't right, Hairy benefits.
Harry Douglas
Carson Palmer -- $5 to Rookie dropped: Zach Sudfeld other bids: $2 to Norris
I don't want to post a pic of a real-life vagina on this blog, so that you can test my hypothesis that you can zoom in and see Carson Palmer's face hidden in the pixels. So instead, here's this:
IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE THE HOT DOG LOOKS LIKE A DICK HE'S ABOUT TO SUCK!
Brandon Bolden -- $5 to Kendall dropped: Mike Tolbert other bids: none
I can't remember if I actually heard this, or if I just dreamt it... but didn't Belichick say that Bolden would replace Vereen as the Pats' receiving back? Judging by the lack of opposing bids, I will assume it was a dream. Stupid me. But anyway, I'll take a taste.
Dumpster Diving...
Airwolf, $2 to Nathan -- Gotta throw two Gee-Dubyas at Jerome Simpson to see if the 7-140 stat line was real or just a hallucination. Meanwhile:
Zach Brown, $1 to Rookie -- Much better than Tulloch. Nice grab and squeeze, Rookie, you fucking preevert.
Kellen Winslow, $1 to Nathan -- Cherry popped! It's the first Airport Cinnabon of the season!
Dallas Clark, $0 to Mark -- (dropped: Justin Hunter -- REDSHIRT BURNED!) To quote Paulie, our resident Ratbirds fan: "Dallas Clark is a washed-up bum who has clearly lost his will to live a football life, but unfortunately he's going to see lots of targets."Congratulations, Mark!
Geno Smith, $0 to Norris -- I honestly thought he'd go for more than this. Maybe it's a good grab for Norris. Maybe. The only comment I want to make is that - despite their win over the Bucs - the Jets are fantasy football leprosy. Don't get too close, lest your roster will rot from within.
The rest? Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft.
Remaining Budgets
The Champeens -- $100
Blackpool Penguins -- $100
Barclay Street Bruisers -- $100
Juris United -- $100
Double-O Daddy -- $100
The Sexy Badasses -- $100
Glitterfist Lasersnakes -- $97
THUNDER BEAR -- $97
Sic Semper Tyrannis Rex -- $93
Jesus the Moose -- $92
The Magic Stick -- $92
Kick Azz Giants -- $89
Voodoo Browns -- $85
Pink Nightmare -- $84 Biggest Claims to Date
Leonard Hankerson -- $11 to Derrick on 9/11/13 Marlon Brown -- $11 to Kendall on 9/11/13 Philip Rivers -- $8 to Ben on 9/11/13 Brandon Jacobs -- $8 to Joe on 9/11/13 Harry Douglas -- $8 to Russ on 9/11/13 Carson Palmer -- $5 to Rookie on 9/11/13 Brandon Bolden -- $5 to Kendall on 9/11/13
That's it for this week. But as always, remember...
As I make my final lineup decisions on Sunday mornings, I'll be taking some notes regarding start/sit decisions that pique my interest. Then I'll blab about them here. Discuss and all.
A quick note about the format. I'll start the discussion with an exact copy of the notes I took Sunday morning. I'll explain them a bit and throw in actual performance as a measuring stick. Mark flexing James Jones over Eddie Lacy. Wait and see approach with the rookie? Bad matchup, too. I totally understand why Mark made this move, with Lacy being unproven against a tough-sledding defense like San Francisco. But I tend to always side with RBs against WRs at the flex position, particularly if you can confidently project them with 10 or more touches. WRs are just way too variable. Performance: James Jones put up a doughnut, while Lacy was 14 for 41 with a TD and some receiving yards to boot. Those points wouldn't have made a difference against Alan's big point explosion, but points are points. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Paul: Vereen over Gio Bernard? Seems like the latter has more upside. And I was way wrong. It has to be tough to feel any kind of confidence in New England running backs, knowing that an early fumble can ruin a fantasy start. Just seemed like Gio would get more touches than Vereen. Wrong-O. Performance: Vereen was the only RB to go over 100 yards on Sunday, and finished with a solid 15.9 total fantasy point total. Gio only had four carries and 3.0 fantasy points. Well done, Paul. Too bad the dude won't be able to help you for most of the rest of the season. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kendall: Signs pointing to not a full load for Foster, but clearly you still have to start him. Nothing to really talk about here, other than note how the touches were distributed between Foster and Tate. Performance: 24 touches to 11 in favor of Foster. I didn't watch the game, but I read that Tate looked better than Foster. Kendall's week one atomic bomb performance didn't require much from Arian, but I'm certain the Nightmare is slightly concerned, knowing they'll need to rely on Foster as a workhorse at some point soon. This is why you handcuff people, especially with Ben Tate. He's like Michael Turner when he was on the Chargers. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rookie: Bradford over Dalton? I guess it is kinda a coin flip. On the surface I thought Dalton had the slightest margin of upside over Bradford. But it really would've been a coin flip situation had this been my QB decision to make (barf). Performance: Bradford: 20.9; Dalton: 17.4. Rex looks endangered early in the season, but Rookie got this call correct. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Rookie: Not trusting Roddy, eh? Guess we’ll see how that goes. I actually think this was the right call, although it couldn't have been easy to do. Roddy has always been very reliable. Having Colston as a backup plan is pretty comforting too. Performance: White was mostly a decoy, finishing with two catches for 1.9 fantasy points. Colston scored and finished with 13.6 points. Oddly, White outscored Rexkie's flex, Lamar Miller, by 0.9 points. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chad: Flexing Antonio Brown over Daryl Richardson? Any thought to bumping Brown up to WR, and putting in D-Rich over Amendola? These thoughts were entirely predicated on Amendola's injury. Seemed a touch more prudent to put in St. Louis' starting RB, and bumping Brown into Danny's spot if you really wanted to start Antonio. Performance: Amendola: a gutsy 10.4 points, but he reaggravated his groin issue. Brown with 7.5 and Richardson with 9.6. Pretty much a wash, but clearly keeping Amendola in the game was the right call.
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