Wednesday FAABnalysis -- 11/14/12

As always, click play and let the sounds wash over you.  DOLEMITE!

• 14 total claims
• 9 cash claims
• $49 spent
• $5.44 per cash claim

Danario Alexander -- $21 to Mark

dropped: Shane Vereen / other bids: $21 to Patrick, $14 to Kirk, $10 to Alan, $4 to Kendall

First things first -- the guy is scoring points.  Also, he's still relatively young.  Nobody has ever doubted his talent.  The problem here is that his knees have been rebuilt with labia tissue, and he can't stay healthy.  If he stays healthy, this could end up being a very good claim for Mark, as Dx looks like the Chargers' new #1 receiver.  Weirdly.

Diagram of Danario Alexander's knee...
and also Rookie's face.

Greg Hardy -- $7 to Alan

dropped: Derrick Morgan / other bids: none

Alan's skills include writing, lawyering, seeming cooler than he is, understanding eminent domain, telekinesis,  speedy draft picks through the turns, and overpaying for IDPs.  As a Panthers fan, I can tell you that Greg Hardy is legit, and is #5 in ppg scoring along the d-line.  So if you have the money to burn, go right ahead!

I dare you to find a picture of Greg Hardy looking happy.
Seriously, he ALWAYS has a pre-rape face.  Check it out.

Donald Jones -- $5 to Kirk

dropped: Lance Briggs / other bids: none

70 yards and a coin toss for a touchdown.  I guess that's worth bringing aboard, even though they're the ugliest 70 yards and a touch you'll ever see.

Welcome to the Achilles Heels!

DeAngelo Hall -- $5 to Paul

dropped: Kurt Coleman / other bids: $2 to Chad, $0 to Derrick

The thing I like best about DeAngelo is the fact that he just oozes class.

Anyone worried about Paul winning the Cup this season can now rest easy.  He just cursed his team and this season's effort.  Just ask Mark.

Dumpster Diving...

Colin Kaepernick, $3 to Derrick -- Love this guy, and he'll give you nice rushing yardage from the QB spot without the cost of a Cam Newton or a Bob Griffin.  Let's hope Alex Smith dies from his concussion and Kappy takes over for good.

Jacob Tamme, $1 to Russ -- Good eye, Russell.  That was a nice little job, snaking in for a guy about whom everyone else forgot... wait for it... including Peyton Manning.  BOOM!  NAILED YOU WITH A SHITTY PLAYER BURN!  (Joel Dreessen 4 Eva!)

Nick Foles, $0 to Joe -- I knew someone would get him.  Never in a million years did I think he'd go for $0.  The Iggles o-line is in shambles, but if the pass pro is just good enough, Foles can make reads and all the throws.  Kid's big and has an Indiana Jones whip for a throwing arm.  He was a lot of fun to watch at Arizona.  In fact, some highlights...

PS -- Why the fuck didn't the Cardinals draft Foles after he slid to the 3rd round?  Bengals of the desert, I tell ya.

Anyway, bonus points to Joe for choosing the fresh fruit over another airport Cinnabon.

And double bonus points due to the fact that Foles looks so much like Wooderson.

Yeah, well, listen. You ought to ditch
the two geeks you're in the car with now
and get in with us. But that's all right,
we'll worry about that later. I will see you there.
All right?

Evan Royster, $0 to Kendall -- Brace yourself.  I just handcuffed Alfred Morris.  What in the hell has this world come to?

The rest? You guys can enjoy your new toys, but don't expect me to comment.

Remaining Budgets:
Kick Azz Giants -- $62
Glitterfist Lasersnakes -- $52
Barclay Street Bruisers -- $47
Achilles Heels -- $39
Double-O Daddy -- $38
Nth Degree -- $36
Jesus the Moose -- $34
The Magic Stick -- $33
Juris United -- $32
Blackpool Penguins -- $28
The Champeens -- $15
Pink Nightmare -- $13
THUNDER BEAR -- $4
Roo Tang Clan -- $0


Biggest Claims to Date:

Rashad Jennings, $47 to Nathan on 10/24

Alex Green, $32 to Mark on 10/10

Kevin Ogletree, $26 to Kendall on 9/12

T.Y. Hilton, $26 to Chad on 11/7

Greg Olsen, $21 to Kendall on 9/26

Chaz Schilens, $21 to Kirk on 10/3

Danario Alexander, $21 to Mark on 11/14

Andre Brown, $19 to Russ on 9/19

LaRod Stephens-Howling, $17 to Ben on 10/24

Daniel Thomas, $16 to Rookie on 9/26

Robert Meachem, $15 to Paul on 10/10

Chris Ivory, $15 to Alan on 11/7

Marcel Reece, $15 to Kendall on 11/7

Domenik Hixon, $14 to Nathan on 10/3

Jeremy Kerley, $13 to Derrick on 9/12

Daryl Richardson, $13 to Derrick on 9/19

Tashard Choice, $13 to Patrick on 9/26

Ramses Barden, $12 to Russ on 9/26

Brandon Bolden, $12 to Paul on 10/3

Montario Hardesty, $12 to Russ on 10/17

Ryan Broyles, $12 to Rookie on 10/24

DeAngelo Williams, $12 to Joe on 11/2

Dexter McCluster, $11 to Nathan on 9/12

Brian Hartline, $11 to Rookie on 9/19

Sidney Rice, $11 to Joe on 9/21 (Friday FAAB Rebound!)

LaRod Stephens-Howling, $11 to Rookie on 10/10

Tim Jennings, $11 to Ben on 10/31

Emmanuel Sanders, $11 to Joe on 11/7

Danny Woodhead, $10 to Patrick on 10/10


That's it for this week, but as always, remember...

GOTTA SPEND TO WIN!

Week 10 Predictions and Promises Part III

Glitterfist Lasersnakes (4-5) vs. Juris United (1-8)
ESPN Line: GFLS -5.1

Wow, ESPN doesn't like these teams very much, as evidenced in the projections, but I am an optimist and see two squads with some real upside.

The first upsaide has to be Alan's only win last week.  Congrats, man.  I know how it feels to be at 1-8, when every win is like 1000 less pounds on your fantasy chest.  By the way, does your fantasy chest have large shaven pctoral muscles, too?

Juris has a nice stable of potential keepers with the common theme of "when are they truly gonna break out?"  I mean, Ryan Mathews - what the fuck is up?  He looks dynamic and fast and gets tons of carries.  Where is the consistency?  I love Dwayne Bowe like I loved the Olsen twins in the 90's.  Call me in a few years.  The guy needs a QB.  And then there's Demaryius Thomas, who seems most on track to be amazing.  Solid TE, flex and QB round out the rooster :), but without any flash you end up with 0.100 win percentage.

My western brother, Patrick has a similar plight - guys that should produce, regularly dropping a deuce on the gridiron.  Fortunately, they soil themselves less often than the guys on Juris.  The big bright spots are Manning followed by Austin.  They get you what you need.  It is just too bad you have to field Fred Jackson.  That is guy I just don't trust.

Five fingers make a Fist: 90-83

Nth Degree (3-6) vs. Champeens (3-6)
ESPN Line: Nth -29.1

Prayer of the middling CKL team (yes, get ready for blasphemy):
Dear Lord, please shine your grace upon my rag-tag bunch of loser, so that I don't have live with the fact that I lost to The Rookie/Mark this year.  I swear I will stop masturbating to hot girls dressed as nuns and promise to spend my extra cash on tithing instead of black market oxycontin.  If you can just let Cam/Stafford perform like the goddamn projection said, I...oh, sorry about the name in vain thing, man.  Any way, could you just ask sweet baby Jesus to kiss Cruz/Nicks' head instead of Nicks/Cruz's head in the Giants game?  And would it be too much to ask that you bless on my waiver wire pick instaed of his?  Thanks a ton in advance.

P.S. Oh, and God, could you give me, like 2 hours notice before the apocalypse?  I'm worried about pooping my pants and want to clear the system before fire rains down from the sky.

P.P.S Also, how about a sign or two to help steer us in the right direction down here like you did back in the day?  I mean, why can't we have some love like Moses or even Belshazzar.  A little help, buddy!

Nth wins in a close one: 102-101

My main man, Belshazzar.  Dropping crazy biblical references...ooooo.

 

Double O-Daddy (7-2) vs. Pink Nightmare (6-3)
ESPN Line: DOOD - 10

The Pink - Daddy smack board has gotten a little firey already.  Chad is hotter than Hansel right now, but Kendall, well, is Kendall.

So, who get's the last laugh on the smack board?  Normally, that would be a tough question or an easy answer in Kendall's favor.  But this year, it is all about the Double O-Daddy.  Chad rolls in with the points total lead and a win streak.  He has made more trades than I ever remember and they have all turned to gold (there is the curse for Jammy-C).  And he's got no less than 6 players that could be keepers in this league.  He appears to be the team to beat as long as Doug Martin doesn't get angry, turn green and start smashing through cinder block walls.  It is a tough road to hoe for Pink.

K-man's team looks to be fading a bit, but you'd be a fool to write them off.  Foster and Green are dangerous every week.  Josh Freeman is showing some chops.  He'll need one, if not two of them to go off to pull out the win.  Could happen, but I gotta go with the odds on this one.

DOOD: 110-97

Here's my curse

Week 9 Numbers

All Play

Notes:

• A bit more separation at the top. Only four teams within a week of the pole position.
• Joe's ascent continues.
• Ben and Paul are back and forth for most explosive while Rookie is all alone on boring island.
• Seven teams are fighting for six playoff spots. Not a ton of drama, but still.

Luck Index

Notes:

• HOLD ON JOE!
• Three teams more than a game and a half on the bad side of luck. Just brutal. Only two of us on the flip side.
• Patrick and Derrick; mediocre through and through.

The Hotness

Notes:

• Yep. Chad has to be the favorite right now.

• This makes it pretty clear why Kendall is currently on the outside of the playoffs.

• I have no desire to see Russ snap out of his funk. None at all.

Jenna Von Oÿ

Notes:

• Kirk is running off with Jenna.
• Joe, Kendall, and Rookie need to win and score. Win and score. Yeah, that's pretty simple right!? Why don't you guys just WIN AND SCORE!?
• Geez

Week 8 Numbers

All Play

Notes:

• Joe is making a case to be included in the top half of the league. Better numbers than Kendall.
• Chad takes the total points lead, but not All Play. Sometimes it matters WHEN you scores all those points.
• New MR. EXPLOSIVE - Ben and his Moose. Rookie is Mr. Implosion with his sub-11 standard deviation.

Luck Index

Notes:

• Oh no. Joe falling down the table.
• Winners at the top. Makes sense.
• Watch out, Kirk. Alan is coming for your anti-luck.

The Hotness

Notes:

• CALM DOWN, CHAD. We don't need you running off on us.

• Welcome to the cellar, Russ.

• Other than Chad at the top, the numbers are mostly down. Bye week blues.

Jenna Von Oÿ

Notes:

• This Daddy/Heels back and forth is going to be great drama.
• Can Joe or Rookie chip away and get into this conversation? Doubtful, but it's worth monitoring.
• At least Mark has two cups in his back pocket.

Week 7 Numbers

All Play

Notes:

• THUNDER BEAR ASCENDS TO THE MID-SEASON THRONE.
• Kirk right there at number two despite the win/loss record. Pretty baffling really.
• Rookie made a strong move to get out of the basement crew.
• Seven teams at the top within 5.0 games of each other. Safe to say six of those seven are likely playoffers.
• MR. EXPLOSIVE continues to be Paul. Kendall and Rookie duking it out for STEADY AS SHE GOES.

Luck Index

Notes:

• Nothing exceptional here. Kirk remains the only big outlier.
• Backing that up: eight teams are within a game of where they "should" be.
• Like the new horizontal line, Kendall?

The Hotness

Notes:

• Kirk WAY up there.

• Mark setting a new low.

• BIG drop off between Ben and Patrick.

Jenna Von Oÿ

Notes:

• Here's another nugget for yous guys. This tracks the current race for the sixth playoff spot. 
• Chad and Kirk are in play. 
• Everyone else needs to start winning (a bunch). They're all at least a week's worth of points out.

Week 10 - Predictions & Promises continued

Kirk and Ben asked me to do the honor of previewing their matchup this week, which I was happy to do.  Then I remembered that I'm not terribly funny.  Three word will help you get through this - lower your standards.

Jesus the Moose at Achilles Heels, The Battle of Evermore
ESPN Game line: Ben 127.7, Kirk 101.5

So, I don’t get the Evermore thing, and that’s okay.  Kirk clearly gets it, as, according to him, he’s never lost this battle to Ben.  Nope, not once.  Huh?

Don’t worry folks, this isn't a presidential debate, so we have fact-checkers immediately available to remind Kirk that the Moose took down the Heels just last year.  Nice selective memory, Mr. Whitt.

Anyway, I look at these two teams and I wonder how one is 7-2 and the other is 3-6.  Seriously, these teams aren't that different.  Well, maybe when Jammy-C decides to show up, the Moose get the edge.  But who the hell knows when that is going to happen?

I like the Ponder-Peterson-Megatron three way action in Minnesota this weekend.  Call me crazy, but I expect a bit of a bounce-back performance from the young signal-caller.  However, I’m really worried about Calvin this week, and Ben has no WR options on the bench if he doesn't go.  It looks like Megatron is dealing with some significant injuries and he’s not practicing.  Kirk’s Qs are less worrisome, and I think Hernandez goes crazy against Buffalo regardless of the number of snaps he sees.  

Look, a healthy Moose nips the Heels, but the Moose is not well, so look for Peterson & Co. to lock up another victory for Kirk in this one, 105 to 97.  Did I really just write that?  Ugh.

Week 10 - Predictions & Promises

I haven't been posting the numbers because I am lazy but I will try to get an update next week.  It takes 15 minutes to put together and really I should be working.  Ben and I are playing this week so Rookie will be filling in at some point to call Ben beating for the first time ever in the Battle of Evermore.  That's right just as Joe has never beaten Chad, Ben has never beaten me, well for a least 5 more days. 

So yeah week 10 comes to end a bunch of our seasons.  Let's see who....



Bruisers at Penguins: Belly-Chick
ESPN Gameline: Paul 118.2 - Norris - 129.1

For those like me who are struggling at the bottom, you may not have noticed that Paul (7-2) has a solid team this year.  He's on a freaking tear with 5 wins in a row. I know that I should have known that, but for some reason I missed it.  Norris (6-3) had a great team but has been hit and miss over the last couple of weeks.  ESPN has Norris up but I am little suspicious... 

#1.  Reggie Bush is projected at 23 points.  I know the Titans suck but 23 points seems a little high for Bush. 
#2.  Andre Johnson at Chicago.  He won't be shut out but still not going to be a typical day. 
#3.  Paul has Ray Rice playing Oakland and Stevan Ridley playing Buffalo.  I see good things from both. 

My suspicion however is tempered by Tom Brady playing against Buffalo at home.  Belly-Chick has no problem running up the score on a team and neither does Tom Brady so I see the Patriots flat out crushing the Bills and Brady could score 1000 points on his own.  

I'm not writing Paul off in this contest and fully expect to be wrong, but my head say Norris.  Mark the position in the drop down because this game should be fun. 

Stick at Bear: Mr Sex
ESPN Gameline: Russ - 85, Bear 113.6

Russ (2-7) is in a bye week so Trent Richardson, and Larry Fitz have the week off.  Enter the dynamic Three-way of Darrius Heyward-Bey, Nate Washington, & Martellus Bennett. 

Nathan (8-1) owns Doug Martin and he is not on bye. 

I would write more but really what the fuck is the point.  Nathan wins.  



Giants at Clan: Dirty Dirty
ESPN Gameline: Doc 109.4 - Joe 99.7

Joe (3-6) why is Tebow on your team?  You could ask why is Lance Briggs on mine, but then I would counter that at least Lance Briggs has scored more than 3 points in a single game this season.  You could say Kirk you have 3 LBs on your team, and I would say Joe you have 3 QBs.  Neither one of us can play more than one a week, and still we are hording at least one player for no reason other than we don't have the guts to ride with open slots on our bench like Norris.  

And by the way, Norris why the fuck do you have 2 empty slots on your bench?  Is your team so bad ass they need no net?  Either way your balls are bigger than mine.  I need a Lance Biggs teddy bear to snuggle up to at night to sleep soundly.  Joe apparently needs his Tebow blankie.  

Drop Tebow and pick up a kicker Joe.  Get it done. 

Other than that I like your team.  I have a boner for Mikel Leshoure and Jimmy Graham.  Jealous that you have them and Roddy White as keepers. Your team is better then 3-6 but then so is mine. 


Doc (4-5) your team is good too and has great potential this week.  Welker could break 20 against the Bills.  Boldin could in his wildest dreams break 12 against Oakland.  Redman is running against the Chiefs, and Rivers is throwing in Tampa.  Hell you even have Bradshaw waiting in the wings.  

Joe has the names I want, but Doc has the match-ups.  The Gameline is essentially tied because Joe doesn't have a kicker, but I give the edge to Doc. Oh how I miss the Dirty South.