Week 11 Predictions and Promises

Thunder BEAR (8-2) vs. Pink Nightmare (7-3): The Rookie's Undying Admiration
ESPN Line: TBear - 1.3

Nate and Kendall usher in the game of the week with a tasty trade that somehow makes them both more dangerous.  There aren't a lot of holes on either of these squads, but that will only make these focus more negative attention on the minor weak spots. 

For TBear, the weak link has been Vernon Davis.  Every year he is supposed to break out and every year he hits a tragic trough in production.  It sure feels like a low point for Nathan's TE.  Here's hoping it was just a sign of the coming tsunami.

Pink has Romo to thank for his position of greatest concern.  None of us were sleeping on Kendall (although some of appear to have been sleeping with him), but the tales of his potential demise have transformed to a real playoff contender.  He has again wheeled and dealed his way to power.  If he manages to upgrade Romo, we are all entering a world of pain.

I have mistakenly picked against the nightmare too many times.

Pink 122 - BEAR 109 


Champeens (4-6) vs. Roo Tang Clan (3-7)
ESPN Line: Peens - 8.1

This is a waiver wire extravaganza.  What do you think, two offensive players each that we all thought would regularly start?  Injuries and byes abound as these two ex-champions rub their vaginas together and in hopes of miraculously conceiving a win.

I imagine Mark desperately wants to finish above .500, while Joe has made no secret that he is in fire sale mode.  It just seems like Mark has landed more quality in his fill-in efforts.  So, if the four stars cancel each other out, I'd bet on Shorts, Alexander, Pitta and Brown to give more value than Foles, LeShoure, Sanders and Stewart. 

It will be ugly, but the Peens come out with a W.  85-80

Blackpool Penguins (6-4) vs. Kick Azz Giants (5-5)
ESPN Line: Penguins - 18

Is the Doc voodoo magic back?  Has Norris's wad dried up and left the tube sock crusty?  A lot of intrigue if the Penguins drop this one.  It doesn't seem likely, but stranger things have happened.

The KAG are not at their strongest.  Chris Johnson and Bradshaw are on the bench.  The injuries just don't seem to be clearing up.  And somehow Danny Glover was cast in Predator 2.

Blackpool is back a full strength with the exception of Jared Cook...so, yeah, still full strength.  The only thing lacking for Nossir is all that creative energy he and Paul unleashed last week on the message board.  Can't imagine he doesn't come out ahead this week.

BPP 91 - KAG 83

Achilles Heels (3-7) vs. Juris United (1-9)
ESPN Line: Juris - 6.4 (???)

I'll never understand the ESPN lines.  No offense Alan, but this seems so illogical it hurts my brain.  Sure, AP is out on bye, but Kirk has a ton of guys that regularly explode.

Looking a little deeper though, Juris does have much better matchups.  The Heels' team is up against the likes of Chicago and Baltimore, but they also get Rodgers in a shootout potent game Amendola showing he belongs against the Jets.  I don't think the matchups will be enough to overcome what should be a superior team.

Alan will need a lot of help and I don't see any life lines dangling from the CKL sky.

On a side note, are we calling Kirk's team lucky or unlucky with the new playoff setup?  Bad luck for high points and low wins, but good luck for tons of losses and the points route (Jenna Van Oy) to the playoffs?

Heels run away with it 100 - 80

Week 11: Predictions and Promises

As the season rolls, the dynamic duo of Bledsoe Whitt continues to be more and more late and lazy about our predictions, but then maybe you should have predicted that yourself.  

I am going to post up a math wrap up next week. With the holiday it should be easier.  But until then you'll have the settle with this picture of a hot math teacher. 



Daddy vs. Lasersnakes: Laser or not the snakes suck
ESPN Gameline: Patrick 84.7 - Chad 120.0

Patrick the fact that your record is better than mine is proof positive of the need of the Joe rule (Jenna von Oy) a.k.a the sixth position.  Right now you have Peyton Manning and maybe in a stretch Jason Witten.  Why hasn't the fire sale started?  Oh because you go nothing to burn.

Also why do you still have $50 in your budget?  Hoping to cash in week 15 on a  last minute running back in hopes of keeping yourself out of the basement?  

Yes this the 2nd time I have gone after you team, and maybe its disappointment in my own team that drives me, but I don't sense the desperation.

Make me eat my words. Spend more than $15 dollars on waivers and don't go 0-3 to Chad this week, Paul next week, and Russ to finish the regular season.  

PS:  I think Carson Palmer this week. 

Chad you are on the ups and you team looks bound for the playoffs.  I am secretly pulling for you to win to help solidify my claim for the Jenna von Oy.  Please don't tell Kendall. 


Nth at Stick: Who Cares about the 3s & 7s
ESPN Gameline: Rookie 117.4 - Russ 97.3

I really wish I had a better record so that I could relax and enjoy both Russ and Rookie having bad seasons.  

He is my routine each week.  Check to see if I am winning.  Then immediately check to make sure that Russ is losing.  Then drink in the warm satisfying knowledge that the Rookie is struggling once again.  I use to then say a silent prayer to the god of fat middle aged laze-abouts that Ben was winning, but I take that on faith now. 

SO....here we go....

Russ, Tamme is a pipe dream and a fitting add to your team.  As absolute proof that he sucks...I drafted him in the eight round.   I bet you are a little disappointed that Nate Washington can't suck it up for you this week.  

Rookie is going double TE this week with Gates and MIller.  Brian Hartline didn't pay out on Thursday, and neither did his kicker.  

It's Rookie's bye week and he's struggling.  I see Russ getting the upset. 


Bruisers at the Moose: Upset Bitches
ESPN Gameline: Paul 108.6 - Ben 124.8

I have convinced myself that Paul is going to win this week.  Right now between Ben and Paul that have 3 Packer WRs playing, and for the money I think James Jones is going to be the odd man out.  I think V Jacks is going to flop again because I am bias against him due to Chad trying to entice me with him a couple of weeks ago.  Brees and Megatron will go off, but I think Paul has enough juice in the tank to win out.  

Ben you are in the playoffs this year, but Paul is going too, and he increases his cup chances with a strong showing this week.   Book it. 

Week 10 Numbers

All Play

Notes:

• Its tight at the top. Any of six teams, heck maybe even eight, could still take this thing.
• Blue is a full 60 games better than Orange. 60!
• After my disastrous Week 10 performance, Chad takes over the lead in the "Highest Low" category. 79.9 as a low score is pretty darn good. Considering he is tied at the top of this thing, its pretty clear (and has been for a while) that Chad is a serious threat for the Cup.
• Conversely, the "Lowest High" is currently a three team race of Mark (106.3), Alan (106.6) and Rookie (106.8).

Luck Index

Notes:

• Kirk, yet again, reaching historic levels of bad luck. If it weren't for the Heels, Joe would be at the bottom. Again. We need to mail him a rabbit's foot or something.
• The total cumulative luck index for the six current playoff teams is 2.0. If we were operating under last year's rules, where Norris would be in and Kirk would be out, that number would shoot up to 6.1. The rule is doing exactly what it was intended to do: de-emphasize the role of luck for making the playoffs. Its a good rule. Granted, it sucks for whoever would've been the sixth seed under the previous rules.
• Eight lucky teams compared to six unlucky teams. Kirk and Joe are so unlucky they're shifting the balance of luck's power over the entire league.

The Hotness

Notes:

• Didn't even have to change my first note from last week: "Yep. Chad has to be the favorite right now."

• Pink jumps up the list and the Penguins fall. In and out of the playoff field they dance.

• Top five on this list are currently in the playoffs. Joe and Mark have been hotter than Kendall of late, but that isn't really helping their chances.

Jenna Von Oÿ

Notes:

• Second place in the race for the sixth spot is closer than last week, but that's mostly because it was Norris swapping in for Kendall. 
• Joe falls back further.
• At this point, Joe and Norris just have to hope Kirk trips up the last three weeks of the season. Unfortunately, hope is not a plan.

Wednesday FAABnalysis -- 11/14/12

As always, click play and let the sounds wash over you.  DOLEMITE!

• 14 total claims
• 9 cash claims
• $49 spent
• $5.44 per cash claim

Danario Alexander -- $21 to Mark

dropped: Shane Vereen / other bids: $21 to Patrick, $14 to Kirk, $10 to Alan, $4 to Kendall

First things first -- the guy is scoring points.  Also, he's still relatively young.  Nobody has ever doubted his talent.  The problem here is that his knees have been rebuilt with labia tissue, and he can't stay healthy.  If he stays healthy, this could end up being a very good claim for Mark, as Dx looks like the Chargers' new #1 receiver.  Weirdly.

Diagram of Danario Alexander's knee...
and also Rookie's face.

Greg Hardy -- $7 to Alan

dropped: Derrick Morgan / other bids: none

Alan's skills include writing, lawyering, seeming cooler than he is, understanding eminent domain, telekinesis,  speedy draft picks through the turns, and overpaying for IDPs.  As a Panthers fan, I can tell you that Greg Hardy is legit, and is #5 in ppg scoring along the d-line.  So if you have the money to burn, go right ahead!

I dare you to find a picture of Greg Hardy looking happy.
Seriously, he ALWAYS has a pre-rape face.  Check it out.

Donald Jones -- $5 to Kirk

dropped: Lance Briggs / other bids: none

70 yards and a coin toss for a touchdown.  I guess that's worth bringing aboard, even though they're the ugliest 70 yards and a touch you'll ever see.

Welcome to the Achilles Heels!

DeAngelo Hall -- $5 to Paul

dropped: Kurt Coleman / other bids: $2 to Chad, $0 to Derrick

The thing I like best about DeAngelo is the fact that he just oozes class.

Anyone worried about Paul winning the Cup this season can now rest easy.  He just cursed his team and this season's effort.  Just ask Mark.

Dumpster Diving...

Colin Kaepernick, $3 to Derrick -- Love this guy, and he'll give you nice rushing yardage from the QB spot without the cost of a Cam Newton or a Bob Griffin.  Let's hope Alex Smith dies from his concussion and Kappy takes over for good.

Jacob Tamme, $1 to Russ -- Good eye, Russell.  That was a nice little job, snaking in for a guy about whom everyone else forgot... wait for it... including Peyton Manning.  BOOM!  NAILED YOU WITH A SHITTY PLAYER BURN!  (Joel Dreessen 4 Eva!)

Nick Foles, $0 to Joe -- I knew someone would get him.  Never in a million years did I think he'd go for $0.  The Iggles o-line is in shambles, but if the pass pro is just good enough, Foles can make reads and all the throws.  Kid's big and has an Indiana Jones whip for a throwing arm.  He was a lot of fun to watch at Arizona.  In fact, some highlights...

PS -- Why the fuck didn't the Cardinals draft Foles after he slid to the 3rd round?  Bengals of the desert, I tell ya.

Anyway, bonus points to Joe for choosing the fresh fruit over another airport Cinnabon.

And double bonus points due to the fact that Foles looks so much like Wooderson.

Yeah, well, listen. You ought to ditch
the two geeks you're in the car with now
and get in with us. But that's all right,
we'll worry about that later. I will see you there.
All right?

Evan Royster, $0 to Kendall -- Brace yourself.  I just handcuffed Alfred Morris.  What in the hell has this world come to?

The rest? You guys can enjoy your new toys, but don't expect me to comment.

Remaining Budgets:
Kick Azz Giants -- $62
Glitterfist Lasersnakes -- $52
Barclay Street Bruisers -- $47
Achilles Heels -- $39
Double-O Daddy -- $38
Nth Degree -- $36
Jesus the Moose -- $34
The Magic Stick -- $33
Juris United -- $32
Blackpool Penguins -- $28
The Champeens -- $15
Pink Nightmare -- $13
THUNDER BEAR -- $4
Roo Tang Clan -- $0


Biggest Claims to Date:

Rashad Jennings, $47 to Nathan on 10/24

Alex Green, $32 to Mark on 10/10

Kevin Ogletree, $26 to Kendall on 9/12

T.Y. Hilton, $26 to Chad on 11/7

Greg Olsen, $21 to Kendall on 9/26

Chaz Schilens, $21 to Kirk on 10/3

Danario Alexander, $21 to Mark on 11/14

Andre Brown, $19 to Russ on 9/19

LaRod Stephens-Howling, $17 to Ben on 10/24

Daniel Thomas, $16 to Rookie on 9/26

Robert Meachem, $15 to Paul on 10/10

Chris Ivory, $15 to Alan on 11/7

Marcel Reece, $15 to Kendall on 11/7

Domenik Hixon, $14 to Nathan on 10/3

Jeremy Kerley, $13 to Derrick on 9/12

Daryl Richardson, $13 to Derrick on 9/19

Tashard Choice, $13 to Patrick on 9/26

Ramses Barden, $12 to Russ on 9/26

Brandon Bolden, $12 to Paul on 10/3

Montario Hardesty, $12 to Russ on 10/17

Ryan Broyles, $12 to Rookie on 10/24

DeAngelo Williams, $12 to Joe on 11/2

Dexter McCluster, $11 to Nathan on 9/12

Brian Hartline, $11 to Rookie on 9/19

Sidney Rice, $11 to Joe on 9/21 (Friday FAAB Rebound!)

LaRod Stephens-Howling, $11 to Rookie on 10/10

Tim Jennings, $11 to Ben on 10/31

Emmanuel Sanders, $11 to Joe on 11/7

Danny Woodhead, $10 to Patrick on 10/10


That's it for this week, but as always, remember...

GOTTA SPEND TO WIN!

Week 10 Predictions and Promises Part III

Glitterfist Lasersnakes (4-5) vs. Juris United (1-8)
ESPN Line: GFLS -5.1

Wow, ESPN doesn't like these teams very much, as evidenced in the projections, but I am an optimist and see two squads with some real upside.

The first upsaide has to be Alan's only win last week.  Congrats, man.  I know how it feels to be at 1-8, when every win is like 1000 less pounds on your fantasy chest.  By the way, does your fantasy chest have large shaven pctoral muscles, too?

Juris has a nice stable of potential keepers with the common theme of "when are they truly gonna break out?"  I mean, Ryan Mathews - what the fuck is up?  He looks dynamic and fast and gets tons of carries.  Where is the consistency?  I love Dwayne Bowe like I loved the Olsen twins in the 90's.  Call me in a few years.  The guy needs a QB.  And then there's Demaryius Thomas, who seems most on track to be amazing.  Solid TE, flex and QB round out the rooster :), but without any flash you end up with 0.100 win percentage.

My western brother, Patrick has a similar plight - guys that should produce, regularly dropping a deuce on the gridiron.  Fortunately, they soil themselves less often than the guys on Juris.  The big bright spots are Manning followed by Austin.  They get you what you need.  It is just too bad you have to field Fred Jackson.  That is guy I just don't trust.

Five fingers make a Fist: 90-83

Nth Degree (3-6) vs. Champeens (3-6)
ESPN Line: Nth -29.1

Prayer of the middling CKL team (yes, get ready for blasphemy):
Dear Lord, please shine your grace upon my rag-tag bunch of loser, so that I don't have live with the fact that I lost to The Rookie/Mark this year.  I swear I will stop masturbating to hot girls dressed as nuns and promise to spend my extra cash on tithing instead of black market oxycontin.  If you can just let Cam/Stafford perform like the goddamn projection said, I...oh, sorry about the name in vain thing, man.  Any way, could you just ask sweet baby Jesus to kiss Cruz/Nicks' head instead of Nicks/Cruz's head in the Giants game?  And would it be too much to ask that you bless on my waiver wire pick instaed of his?  Thanks a ton in advance.

P.S. Oh, and God, could you give me, like 2 hours notice before the apocalypse?  I'm worried about pooping my pants and want to clear the system before fire rains down from the sky.

P.P.S Also, how about a sign or two to help steer us in the right direction down here like you did back in the day?  I mean, why can't we have some love like Moses or even Belshazzar.  A little help, buddy!

Nth wins in a close one: 102-101

My main man, Belshazzar.  Dropping crazy biblical references...ooooo.

 

Double O-Daddy (7-2) vs. Pink Nightmare (6-3)
ESPN Line: DOOD - 10

The Pink - Daddy smack board has gotten a little firey already.  Chad is hotter than Hansel right now, but Kendall, well, is Kendall.

So, who get's the last laugh on the smack board?  Normally, that would be a tough question or an easy answer in Kendall's favor.  But this year, it is all about the Double O-Daddy.  Chad rolls in with the points total lead and a win streak.  He has made more trades than I ever remember and they have all turned to gold (there is the curse for Jammy-C).  And he's got no less than 6 players that could be keepers in this league.  He appears to be the team to beat as long as Doug Martin doesn't get angry, turn green and start smashing through cinder block walls.  It is a tough road to hoe for Pink.

K-man's team looks to be fading a bit, but you'd be a fool to write them off.  Foster and Green are dangerous every week.  Josh Freeman is showing some chops.  He'll need one, if not two of them to go off to pull out the win.  Could happen, but I gotta go with the odds on this one.

DOOD: 110-97

Here's my curse

Week 9 Numbers

All Play

Notes:

• A bit more separation at the top. Only four teams within a week of the pole position.
• Joe's ascent continues.
• Ben and Paul are back and forth for most explosive while Rookie is all alone on boring island.
• Seven teams are fighting for six playoff spots. Not a ton of drama, but still.

Luck Index

Notes:

• HOLD ON JOE!
• Three teams more than a game and a half on the bad side of luck. Just brutal. Only two of us on the flip side.
• Patrick and Derrick; mediocre through and through.

The Hotness

Notes:

• Yep. Chad has to be the favorite right now.

• This makes it pretty clear why Kendall is currently on the outside of the playoffs.

• I have no desire to see Russ snap out of his funk. None at all.

Jenna Von Oÿ

Notes:

• Kirk is running off with Jenna.
• Joe, Kendall, and Rookie need to win and score. Win and score. Yeah, that's pretty simple right!? Why don't you guys just WIN AND SCORE!?
• Geez

Week 8 Numbers

All Play

Notes:

• Joe is making a case to be included in the top half of the league. Better numbers than Kendall.
• Chad takes the total points lead, but not All Play. Sometimes it matters WHEN you scores all those points.
• New MR. EXPLOSIVE - Ben and his Moose. Rookie is Mr. Implosion with his sub-11 standard deviation.

Luck Index

Notes:

• Oh no. Joe falling down the table.
• Winners at the top. Makes sense.
• Watch out, Kirk. Alan is coming for your anti-luck.

The Hotness

Notes:

• CALM DOWN, CHAD. We don't need you running off on us.

• Welcome to the cellar, Russ.

• Other than Chad at the top, the numbers are mostly down. Bye week blues.

Jenna Von Oÿ

Notes:

• This Daddy/Heels back and forth is going to be great drama.
• Can Joe or Rookie chip away and get into this conversation? Doubtful, but it's worth monitoring.
• At least Mark has two cups in his back pocket.