Saving this for posterity's sake.
{THIS IS NOT AN OVERT REQUEST FOR SYMPATHY.}
First of all -- Kirk, I owe you a sincere apology. I didn't beat you, you just got unlucky and lost. But let there be no doubt which team is the worst team in the CKL, and (this is for Patrick, Yado, Corey, or whoever else) let there be no doubt which coach is the worst coach in the CKL.
Worst Team: Pink Nightmare.
Worst Coach: Kendall Howell.
Now, a rousing *FUCK YOU* to my players, past and present.
Carson Palmer -- This one is easy. FUCK YOU, vagina face. Nice fucking concussion, you fucking gaping pussy hole. You roast beef flapping labia. You fucking cunt. I got too drunk on draft night, and allowed the room to coalesce me into drafting you. Now I have to look at your name on my fucking team, see your fucking wheezing twat of a face on my roster when I use the phone app. You have single-handedly ruined my fantasy football experience for 2016. Fuck you.
Matt Stafford -- Hey dickbreath, only shitbags keep it "Matthew" and don't shorten it to Matt. Meanwhile, thank you for blowing up on my bench when you're facing good defenses and then laying thick, slimy turds when you start for me against shitty defenses. I'd trade your sorry ass, but the only other coach who wants you is that colossal homer, Corey, and he values his players at $19.75 on the dollar, so no dice. Congratulations. I guess you're my starting quarterback for the rest of the season unless I can somehow lure Paul into this pity party so he trades the Red Rifle to me.
Zeke -- Nah, you're good man. Just... keep your hands off your girlfriend and don't get high. Please.
Amari Cooper -- No but seriously, what the fuck? It's the thick, colorful thing with the team name written on it, located at either end of the field. Prediction: I trade you away, then you magically learn how to remove your head from your ass and score some touchdowns. 15.7 points, 7.1 points, 6.2 points, 4.8 points, 8.5 average, but getting worse every week... congratulations, you're my second-best player. Asshole.
Sammy Watkins -- I honestly and sincerely hope you get hit by a truck. Maybe don't die (though make absolutely no mistake -- I'd be okay if you did), but go ahead and have that so-called "football career" ended. I actually feel worse for the Bills than I do for myself on this one.
John Brown -- I actually don't even know what to say. I blame myself, I blame Matthew Berry (seriously, why do I still read his shit, he's clearly just a fucking long-winded hack), and I blame Carson Palmer. You know, in the old days, a dude'd get concussed, and it wouldn't matter. He'd still ball out. Welcome to the ongoing pussification of football. I blame the Democrats.
Dwayne Allen -- FUCK YOU. And fuck all of the Colts. Straight up their buttholes. With a knife. A long knife. With a serrated edge. Bad news for you, Joe: Andrew Luck is never going to be anything better than what you're getting right now. The reason: As a life-long Bengals and UVA fan, I know *DESTINED TO ALWAYS SUCK* when I see it, and the Colts now have that look. (Plus all the money they sunk into Luck pretty much guarantees his supporting cast will always be lackluster.)
Eric Kendricks -- Hey, you've actually been pretty damn good! Correction, Amari Cooper --- you're my third best player.
Chandler Catanzaro -- I just fucking hate you and your fat fucking face. You fucking stooge. I hope you're sucking off Sammy when he gets hit by that truck, because you deserve to die with a dick in your mouth.
Tyrell Williams -- I ain't mad atcha, breh. But I mean, c'mon. I didn't spend 20 FAABbucks for 4 points a week. I could have gotten that from Brandon LaFell for $6, amiright Russ?
Frank Gore -- Fuck you, you're old. I sent you to Rookie so you could poison my biggest rival from within. And you respond by being... your same ol' reliable self, 60 yards and a spike, 12 points. Go fuck yourself. (And hey Rookie, fuck you.)
Chris Ivory -- Oh, I see the yeast infection that had you hospitalized is all cleared up. Good for you! Nice 2.15 yards per carry, you fucking choad.
Theo Riddick -- What the fuck happened, man? Remember week 1? What the fuck happened since then? You got a golden opportunity, and then remembered that you're just Theo Riddick, that's what happened. You're the JMU of NFL running backs. Go fuck yourself. Corey, get ready for a trade offer. I want to send all of the misfit toys back to the island where they belong.
Michael Thomas, Tajae Sharpe -- Pull it together, rooks. Pull it together. It's a long season, and I'm already playing for next year... so please just pull it the fuck together.
Preston Brown -- You're pretty decent and semi-reliable. You're my fourth-best player. You would not be picked up if I dropped you. That's the sad state of affairs with the Pink Nightmare right now.
Jeremy Hill -- Looks like you caught the Matt Stafford disease; meh in the starting lineup, beast on the bench. I'll ride that roller coaster until your next backbreaking fumble in the postseason, and then I'm DONE! You hear me? DONE!
Tyler Eifert -- Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.
Everyone else who has been on my shitty fucking team, past and present, who has not been named to this point -- You're too unimportant for me to even think about or remember, so go ahead and fuck right on off.
Sweet catharsis.
Now it's time to make some trade offers!
Now it's time to make some trade offers!
