WE'RE BACK, JERKS!
After a horrific level of blog participation in 2017, it's time to get some nuggets off my chest, out of my spreadsheets, and in front of your eyeballs. Yes, the normal charts and whatnot will be here, but let's get started with a bit of a different take.
Tiers
If you had to "power rank" or make a poll for CKL teams three weeks in, what would it look like? Strike that, let's do tiers instead. Off the top of my head...
Heavy Whipping Cream
Paul - Three straight wins to open the season, current number one overall playoff seed, most points scored, and a layup on the schedule in Week 4.
Whipping Cream
Joe, Kendall, Ben, Yado - The rest of the current non-Jenna playoff field, the order of this bunch comes down to preference. Joe leads the All-Play table (spoiler alert), Kendall hasn't scored less than triple digits, Ben has the number one RB and number two QB to date, and Yado, well, I guess he's riding the high of new parenthood (and a star-less, solid core of contributors).
Half and Half
Kirk - Suffering from just godawful, brutal, Event Horizon type luck, Kirk is currently working up the nerve to slide his hand down from (willing, consenting) Jenna's brassier down to her nether regions. Has roughly the equivalent scoring total as the other playoff squads, but without a single double yoo to show for it. Keep scoring points, working that foreplay, and good things'll happen, Kirk. Bonus karma from yours truly thinking you stole a bunch of my draft picks last month.
Whole Milk
Corey, Norris - Both squads are above .500 in the All-Play table, suggesting they'll be a factor in the playoff discussion going forward. They have bad luck too, just not Kirk-level shit luck. They're both within 20 points (easily striking distance) of Jenna. If I had to paint a picture: they're both dong-handed outside the bedroom door, silently listening for any sounds of pleasure (or discontent) coming from inside. No pressure, Kirk.
2%
Rookie, Ryan - Rookie and Ryan are in similar situations, with Rook being a touch more consistent. Ryan has some ground to make up to defend his Cup. Good news is he already has two wins booked, more than anyone else here, below or in the level up. Maybe I have him in the wrong spot? Oh well, I'm pot-committed at this point.
1%
Nathan - Alright now I'm just ham-fistedly ensuring I get someone in each category. I'm not actually better than any of the teams below, I simply FEEL like I am. Ugh, feelings and fantasy football---not my preferred cocktail. I have a squad filled with WR2s and RB3s. Might need to change my name.
Skim
Heath, Chad, Russ - The damned of the CKL. Some had it done to them (Chad: injuries; Heath: Le'Veon), while others did it to themselves (Russ: three QBs, karmic-ally poor draft performance). Heath has shown he has the capacity for an explosion, Chad has crippling, probably insurmountable injury problems, and Russ is consistently below average, although without the lows Heath and Chad have uncovered. The order for these three will change, but it's hard to envision any of them escaping this low calorie, low flavor category.
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WHY?
- is Kendall rostering Dante Pettis?
- does Kirk roll with an empty roster spot?
- is Jesse James still on Kirk's squad?
- is Alex Collins not getting goal line carries?
- is Yado failing to use his IR spot?
- is Hayden Hurst (0 catches, 0 yards, 0 fantasy points to date) on ANY team?
- is the TE position such a cluster this season?
- is Russ still holding three QBs? Anyone received an offer?
- is Kalen Ballage (theoretically a person) on Russ' team?
- is Corey starting the Bills HC at the Packers?
- did we, collectively, as a league, let Derrius Guice slide to Rookie once the redshirt round opened?
- is my team? WHY?
- can't I quit Josh Gordon?
- is Derrick Henry so bad?
- is Joe's team so good? RB6, WR3, WR8, TE7, RB17, DL1, LB5, K1 to date. RAGE.
- did Chad draft Courtland Sutton in the fifth? Is he gonna keep him?
- is Chad rostering three QBs?
- does Heath not have a HC?
- can't I find anything bad to say about Norris' team?
All-Play Table
- So maybe Paul isn't the only Heavy Whipping Cream? It's clear to me that the quartet of Joe, Kendall, Paul, and Yado are the class of the league through three weeks, with Kirk and Ben right behind.
- Paul set the scoring standard with 140.2 points in Week 2. He had six players in double figures, including two big bursts from Kirk Cousins (34.5) and Melvin Gordon (24.6).
- Heath is reeling, as he set the low bar two weeks in a row. He'll hope to stop the bleeding in Week 4. 12 points from K Dan Bailey on Thursday night is a good start.
- Kendall looking hard to kill early in the year, with his high total point output and low standard deviation. His minimum is triple digits. Thoughts and prayers, K opponents.
- I'm hesitant to pile on too much on Russ' historically awful start to the season, but damn if he didn't paint a target on himself with his draft mouth. Looking back, though, he can take solace that Corey had a worse start just last year. Both went 4-35 in the first three weeks of all play, but 2017 Corey scored fewer points and had both a lower high and a lower low. So, uh, enjoy that.
Hotness
- Only three weeks in, the order here is going to look a lot like the All-Play table. This chart will become more relevant as we move deeper into the season.
- Top six all the in the playoff field currently. As it should be.
- See? Maybe I am a bit better than Heath, Chad, and Russ.
Luck
- When you start the season undefeated, there is naturally going to be a bit of schedule luck involved. So you see all three unbeaten squads at the top of the table.
- Nathan, Heath and Yado are the most "themselves," if you will. Not much luck involved in their record.
- And then we have Kirk, who should be 2-1, sitting at 0-3. With a -2.00 luck score, Kirk is BY FAR the unluckiest three-week team in the modern history (2011-present) of the CKL. At least you have a consolation prize, Kirk.
Jenna
 |
| wuddup grrl |
- You can't be feeling like the unluckiest guy ever when Jenna is wearing an undersized shirt.
- That said, Norris and Corey lurk. Leer. Whatever other creepy L words you can think of.
- The range between the highest and lowest score of the week is averaging 64.3 points. So Heath, Chad, and Russ are all at least two weeks away from even sniffing some fingers.
Seed Story
- Yeah, I should've hidden the empty columns, but I just wanna get this post finished and out. Suck it.
- Kendall, Joe, and Yado have found themselves in the playoff field all season.
- While Rookie, Nathan, Chad and Russ haven't been there yet.
- Kirk with the big move coming off 118.3 points in a loss to Joe. Moved him right into the Jenna slot.
COMING SOON
I've been tinkering with some additional numbers that I hope to add to this weekly column soon. I'm trying to get a grasp on who is doing the best job with the "non-core" positions on their lineups. You know, DPs, Ks, HCs, that sorta thing. Would it surprise you to know that Kirk is the DP master to date? That Yado is struggling in that category? That Norris gets the most out of his "non-core" positions? That Russ gets the least?
Alright my typing fingers hurt. I'm out.
