Thanksgiving FAABnalysis 11/27/14

This version of FAABnalysis is coming at you cold brewed, Rocky Mountain Style.  That is, watered down and only really "analysis of free agent auction bids" in name.  We are late in the season, most of us are broke, and it is Thanksgiving week.  There were only 6 successful money bids this week (20 total pick-ups).  Add to that an author that has made such stellar FAAB pickups as Allen Hurns for $27 and AJ Hawk for $7 and you get a delicious, pale, ineffectual product that might please the masses, but is much too low-brow for the mighty CKL.  Still, it will do the trick in a pinch, so enjoy the silver bullet of FAABnalysis.

Where the money was spent

LeGarrette Blount - $21 to Kick Azz Giants
Other bids: Kirk - $10, Paul - $6, Rook - $5, NoBunn - $3, Ben/Nate/Kendall/Joe - $0)

This week's obvious quality addition, Blount found himself a free agent in both fake and real football recently.  We all know he has talent (see: previous keeper), but we also know his head has not been on straight when the game is over (see: Boise punch, endless marijuana jokes, etc.).  I am not sure how long Blount can maintain discipline or how Belichick will roll out his always-perplexing backfield.  Regardless, LeGarrette is a gem of a waiver-wire add this late in the season.  I am sure Derrick will start him.  The VooDoo Brown hates to see KAG improve this much through FAAB.

Damn, LG!

Stedman Bailey - $6 to Sexy Badasses

Other bids: Nate - $0

Too Easy?

Ah, the Rams' receiving corp.  Who will be next?  It is hard to put real stock in any Ram wideout, because there has not been any real lead there since the Brian Quick injury and the QB situation is one of the worst in the NFL.  A $6 winning bid is probably about the right level of risk on Steds breaking out.  He's not yet sexy or a badass, but who are we kidding, he's not starting either. 

Charles Johnson - $3 to Barclay Street Bruisers

Other bids:Ben/Kendall/Joe - $0

I feel like I could just rewrite the same thing as I did for Stedman Bailey with a quick "find and replace".  Decent pickup for the price paid, but...yawn.

Caleb Sturgis - $2 to Trophy Husband

Thomas Davis - $1 to Blackpool Penguins

Matt Prater - $1 to Kick Azz Ginats

Other Bids: who cares?

Holy shit, I could drink a hundred Coors Lights and still pass the field sobriety test.

Bids that didn't cost a dime, but were mildly significant

• Zach Mettinberger: Dream Smasher.  Please make waves rookie QB.
• Darren McFadden and James Jones: Dream Smasher.  I need lots of Flex fill-in help.  At least one will start this week.  You owe me, Run DMC!
• Tim Wright and Jermaine Gresham: Hezballers.  As painful as it would be to see Tim Wright start for Yado, he may not have a better option.  Injuries and putrid TEs this year lead to chumps like Timmy getting a start.  Not sure Yado meant to get both of these guys.  Friday drop?
• Alex Smith and Colt McCoy: Rainbow Wolf.  Alex Smith gets another start?  Or will it be Colt?  Nathan gets another QB in the rotation either way.  Time to research the highnest number of unique QBs a team has ever started in a year, Nate.
• Shonn Greene: Trophy Husband.  Significantly funny.  
• Michael Bush: VooDoo Brown.  Wow!  I am a Cardinals fan and didn't notice they signed Bush.  Uh, I guess Joe abhors a vacuum as much as nature.  Roster spot filled.

I take it back.  The analogy of this week's FAAB to Coors Light is over-stated.  At least the Silver Bullet has its time and place (a six-plus hour party, beer pong, stranded on a deserted island).  This felt more like an alcoholic drinking vanilla extract when there is no other booze in the house.  Sigh.

Predictions from the Corner Office Week 13: Special Guest Russ!

Ben and Kendall did the dance last week. In a fit of lover's rage I decided to fall into bed with Russ.  

"Jealous yet Ben?" You will be...

Predictions from the Corner Office: Week 13

Kirk: Okay let's do this. 7:30 PM

Russ: Fuck yeah 7:30 PM

Russ: So my POWER POLL completely fucked up week 13 playoff implications 7:31 PM

Kirk: Why do you say that? 7:32 PM

Kirk: I liked your power poll. 7:32 PM

Russ: I didn't quite realize how many teams are still in the running. Especially Norris. 7:33 PM

Kirk: Norris isn't in the running. 7:33 PM

Russ: If I get the fifth seed he will have a great chance to get in 7:33 PM

Russ: Only rookie can make up the points diff and that is if he loses 7:34 PM

Kirk: All of this is above my pay grade. 7:35 PM

Kirk: Let's think this out after we call the games. 7:36 PM

Russ: Who makes the most cheese in the league? Do we know that? 7:36 PM

Kirk: There are a lot of variables and unknowns out there. It's not me by a shot. 7:37 PM

Kirk: I like your direct approach. 7:37 PM

Kirk: This is going to be fun. 7:37 PM

Russ: Would it be disrespectful to predict each owners salary? You don't have to name your own. 7:38 PM

Kirk: I don't know what Doc does or Patrick. 7:38 PM

Russ: Even better 7:38 PM

Russ: Patrick is a "writer" and makes ends meet by house sitting on Huntington Beach *** 7:40 PM

Russ: ***not true 7:38 PM

Kirk: People feel really weird about salary. I once told the students on my hall that as an RA I made $10/day to keep up with them. 7:39 PM

Kirk: I wanted them to know that I didn't get paid enough to really care. 7:40 PM

Kirk: The other RA on my hall had a shit fit. 7:40 PM

Russ: The card swipers at UVA dining halls made more than bus drivers 7:41 PM

Kirk: Fuck, that is some shit. 7:41 PM

Kirk: No CDL. 7:41 PM

Russ: RAs and bus drivers - paid too little with waaaay too much responsibility 7:42 PM

Kirk: I bet you don't get drug tested as a swiper. 7:42 PM

Russ: Exactly 7:43 PM

Kirk: I think Ben makes the most in the league. 7:44 PM

Kirk: At least based on employees under him he should. 7:44 PM

Russ: I'll save my estimate for the predict 7:44 PM

Russ: Flying around from MT- I think you are right 7:45 PM

Kirk: All of the games this week have a theoretical consequence. 7:48 PM

Russ: All but the Yado Patrick game 7:48 PM

Kirk: Let's start there. 7:49 PM

Glitterfist Lasersnakes (5-7) vs.  The Hezballers (5-7)

ESPN Gameline: Yado by 7.9

Russ: Light that shit 7:49 PM

Kirk: Patrick has Matt Ryan, Rashad Jennings, Dez Bryant, Isiah (stealing West's touches) Crowell, Justin Hunter, and Antonio Gates. 7:50 PM

Kirk: I was really disappointed that Patrick missed that Arian Foster no play from last week. 7:51 PM

Russ: I think we need a fine system 7:52 PM

Russ: I hate that 7:52 PM

Kirk: It didn't matter in the end but still.... 7:52 PM

Kirk: I wanted to put that out there. 7:52 PM

Russ: And I hate that willie young is still I'm his lineup 7:53 PM

Russ: It's the spirit. Just having a fully active roster is not that hard. 7:53 PM

Russ: And foster was banged up for more than a week 7:53 PM

Kirk: You and I are still in this thing, so you have more interest. I get that. But I have been in a losing situation 7:53 PM

Russ: Dude. I am the saddest sack franchise. I KNOW CKL LOSING 7:54 PM

Kirk: I didn't completely mail it in. 7:54 PM

Russ: I usually increase my posting in bad years 7:55 PM

Russ: Keeps me from getting too distant 7:55 PM

Kirk: Yado "Needs to Post More" Yakub: Has Romo, Justin Forsett (RB), Steven Jackson (RB), D-Thomas (WR), Josh Gordon (WR), and Zach Ertz (TE) 7:56 PM

Kirk: Yado is freaking dangerous now. 7:56 PM

Russ: Yeah glad he's out the playoff picture 7:56 PM

Russ: 133 is no joke 7:57 PM

Kirk: So Patrick not caring <<<<<<<<<<<< Yado rising. 7:58 PM

Russ: I like Yado big 7:58 PM

Kirk: Speaking of rising, let's look at Kendall. 7:59 PM

Pink Nightmare (7-5) vs. The Procodile (4-8)

ESPN Gameline: Kendall by 16.1

Kirk: Kendall has Tom Brady @ GB, Jermey Hill RB, Giovani Bernard RB, Martavis Bryant (WR), Mike Evans (WR), and Greg Olsen (TE) 8:00 PM

Kirk: So I traded MIke Evans to Kendall, your traded Mike Evans to me. 8:00 PM

Russ: I can't believe I didn't keep him 8:01 PM

Russ: The double Bengal banger 8:01 PM

Kirk: You needed Golden Tate in the moment. 8:01 PM

Russ: Still do 8:02 PM

Kirk: Evans was 3 weeks from becoming Mike Evans. 8:02 PM

Russ: But Evans got mature real quick 8:02 PM

Russ: Kendall is the annointer of elite ckl receivers 8:02 PM

Kirk: He is. I congratulate Kendall for the trade me made with me. He saw the talent and I did not. I called him and told him that. 8:03 PM

Russ: What a humbling moment 8:04 PM

Kirk: When you see a guy make a great play, you have to call it. 8:04 PM

Russ: Maybe so. I damn near did a cartwheel when he let me send him cam though 8:06 PM

Kirk: I don't trust that guy, but Kendall has a soft spot in his heart for him. He and I traded out a trade where I got Cam and he got Rodgers. 8:07 PM

Kirk: Sorry we talked out a trade where I got Cam and he got Rodgers. 8:07 PM

Russ: I would have fought you the next time we hung out 8:08 PM

Kirk: Neither of us could pull the trigger on it. 8:08 PM

Russ: Good for you 8:09 PM

Kirk: I couldn't give up Rodgers, but really Kendall talked himself out of giving up Cam. 8:09 PM

Russ: Oops 8:09 PM

Russ: This is like LSU - Sam Houston st 8:20 PM

Kirk: Everybody has their can't quit player. I keep AP for way too long. 8:36 PM

Kirk: Chad is not fielding a team this week, so that will help Kendall. 8:37 PM

Russ: I respect your not dropping him and convincing chad that he was worth keeping 8:37 PM

Kirk: Chad came to me and made that trade. I took his first offer. 8:37 PM

Russ: That's a tingly feeling when you know you're gonna accept a trade without further negotiation 8:39 PM

Russ: Even worse when the guy accepts your offer 8:39 PM

Russ: That's the hard part about trading with a ckl outsider. You don't develop the repoire to do useful trade banter 8:40 PM

Kirk: It was a good trade for me, and I hope Chad gets some value from him next year. There is value there but I'm trying it win now. 8:41 PM

Russ: And chad needs 30 from brown just to keep it close 8:41 PM

Russ: That trade took you out of my personal ckl disrespect list 8:41 PM

Kirk: It means something to me. It does. 8:42 PM

Russ: The ckl doesn't need us at each other's throats to thrive 8:43 PM

Russ: The hate bowl is basically over now too 8:43 PM

Russ: Forced angst is bad for middle aged men 8:44 PM

Kirk: True enough, especially when you don't spend any time with them. 8:44 PM

Kirk: "Russ I hate you because....of that time....you know....fucker" 8:45 PM

Kirk: That's all I got now. 8:45 PM

Russ: Familiarity breeds contempt - omits marriage joke 8:45 PM

Russ: I have a coworker who got mad at me today because I made fun of his shitty weekend effort 8:46 PM

Russ: In our work ff league 8:46 PM

Kirk: Chad could go Tannehill (QB), Doug Martin (RB), Brown (WR), Torrey Smith (WR), and ....no he is going to lose. 8:46 PM

Russ: As if ff shittalk is off limits 8:46 PM

Russ: No more time on that dumpster fire 8:47 PM

Russ: Let it burn #ferguson 8:47 PM

Russ: Wow I said that 8:47 PM

Russ: Terrible human 8:47 PM

Kirk: that was awesome...I'm lovin it. 8:47 PM

Kick Azz Giants (6-6) vs. Voodoo Brown (8-4)

ESPN Gameline: Mayor Sellers by 16.7

Kirk: Okay then. Is there any chance that Doc will beat Mayor Sellers. 8:48 PM

Kirk: That would be good for business. 8:48 PM

Russ: I wanna say no 8:49 PM

Kirk: Damn it. 8:49 PM

Russ: But Odell 8:49 PM

Kirk: Fucking Amazing. 8:50 PM

Kirk: Doc needs to win for me. 8:50 PM

Russ: And cutler could shit himself 8:50 PM

Russ: Doc has better matchups 8:50 PM

Kirk: As much shit as we all have talked about Doc's team, and written him off. He could have a winning season. 8:51 PM

Russ: But the idps will see joe through 8:51 PM

Russ: Yeah. It's the lack of presence 8:51 PM

Russ: He could have turned gronk into something 8:52 PM

Kirk: You are complete right. He should have trade Gronk early. He could have gotten a lot from him this year. 8:53 PM

Kirk: Tight Ends sucked this year. 8:53 PM

Kirk: I like Mayor Sellers in this game in my head, but my heart is with Doc in a final swipe at the establishment. 8:53 PM

Russ: If he picks the right flex and joe has cube issues 8:53 PM

Russ: Seriously worst te year ever 8:53 PM

Russ: Anyone who hoarded te this year should NOT HAVE DONE THAT 8:54 PM

The Magic Stick (6-6) vs. RAINBOW WOLF (6-6)

ESPN Gameline: Russ by 28.4

Kirk: You are going to completely rape Nathan this week, and it doesn't even matter. 8:54 PM

Russ: True 8:55 PM

Russ: I want whoever takes the Jenna to know: I didn't use a rubber! 8:56 PM

Kirk: You could have better IDPs and a better TE, but other than that. 8:57 PM

Kirk: I hoping for the bye just to avoid you for as long as possible. 8:57 PM

Kirk: Hoping those red Qs turn to Os from Johnson and Lynch. 8:58 PM

Russ: See both of them get 10 days off and will be fresh for round 1 9:00 PM

Russ: I would not mind them both resting this week 9:01 PM

Russ: I got 28 last week from my idps 9:02 PM

Russ: That is joe lite 9:02 PM

Kirk: That's impressive. I was happy with 23.4 9:05 PM

Russ: Nothing wrong with that 9:05 PM

Kirk: Although my secret playoff weapon is the Chad gift of Lavonte David 9:06 PM

Russ: I know 9:06 PM

Russ: That dude is a monster 9:06 PM

Kirk: I have been very lucky with IDPs and Adam Vinatieri this season. 9:09 PM

Russ: All monster team: qb: luck; rb1: lynch; wr1: megatron; wr2: Gordon; flex: BECKHAM; te: gronk; idps: David, watt, kuechly 9:09 PM

Russ: That dude is on kicker roofs 9:09 PM

Russ: Roids 9:09 PM

Kirk: So you take your game. 9:10 PM

Kirk: I would like to think I take my game against Ben. 9:10 PM

Dream Smasher (4-8) vs. The Sexy Badasses (9-3)

ESPN Gameline: Me by 40.2*

Russ: Yeah he doesn't have a clue who to start 9:12 PM

Kirk: I need Fitz to stay down. 9:12 PM

Russ: And no sexies nor badasses on that bench 9:12 PM

Russ: Or on the wAiver wire 9:12 PM

Kirk: He doesn't have any money anyway. 9:13 PM

Russ: You gotta get off that welker though 9:13 PM

Russ: Welker autocorrects to weaker 9:13 PM

Kirk: funny. 9:13 PM

Kirk: I picked him up as a hedge against Sanders. 9:14 PM

Kirk: Sanders was banged up and Questionable until late on Sunday. 9:14 PM

Russ: Anytime you can handcuff a wr2 you gotta do it 9:14 PM

Russ: Unfortunately for you boldin is not playing the Beltway bandits again 9:15 PM

Kirk: Yeah that was a big help last week. Allowed me to talk shit to Rookie. 9:17 PM

Russ: His big three are good to roll against any squad but your 4-10 mauls him esp if jpp is pooperific again 9:17 PM

Russ: I lost to that cockface this year 9:17 PM

Russ: It hurts being crushed by your contemporary. 9:18 PM

Russ: Shit forgot to add in my salary estimates 9:18 PM

Russ: Ben: 120k 9:18 PM

Russ: You: 75+ great travel perks 9:19 PM

Russ: Kendall: 63k 9:19 PM

Kirk: and state benefits 9:19 PM

Russ: Doc: 110k 9:19 PM

Russ: Rookie: 0 (I think he quit) 9:20 PM

Kirk: He earns the reward of being a good father. 9:20 PM

Russ: didn't men leArn from women: parenthood doesn't pay! 9:21 PM

Russ: Nathan: 51k 9:20 PM

Russ: Mark: 55k 9:20 PM

Kirk: and all the beer he can drink 9:21 PM

Kirk: That is at least 5% of my salary 9:21 PM

Russ: Chad 55k 9:21 PM

Kirk: and state benefits. 9:22 PM

Kirk: My kids cost me an enormous amount. 9:22 PM

Russ: I know it 9:22 PM

Russ: Fucking leeches man 9:22 PM

Russ: Joe: 65k 9:22 PM

Russ: Norris: 70k 9:22 PM

Kirk: Why more for Norris than Chad. They both teach in Virginia. 9:23 PM

Russ: Because Norris always has more, whether or not it's measurable 9:23 PM

Kirk: haha 9:23 PM

Russ: Also, rainbows ain't cheap 9:24 PM

Kirk: Rainbows coming out his ass... 9:24 PM

Kirk: People pay him for the joy of his presence. 9:24 PM

Russ: They call it the rainbow honorarium 9:24 PM

Russ: I talked shit about his sick kid in the POWER POLL . That can't be good for my ff karma 9:25 PM

Kirk: Can't be afraid of that shit. Funny is funny. 9:26 PM

Kirk: I imagine all my bad karma gets off balanced by Rookie. 9:27 PM

Kirk: I don't know how that works, it just does. 9:27 PM

Russ: My wife and I can't decide whether my son slept in his puke or shit over the weekend 9:27 PM

Russ: Yeah 9:27 PM

Kirk: haha 9:27 PM

Kirk: Either way he slept...can't be that bad. 9:28 PM

Russ: That's what I said 9:28 PM

Kirk: My kid gets up....walks into my room...taps on my shoulder and says..."I had bad dream, I can't remember what happened." 9:29 PM

Kirk: This means. I woke up....now its your problem 9:29 PM

Russ: Obviously your answer was : "back to bed, fucko!" 9:30 PM

Kirk: I did tuck him in. 9:30 PM

Kirk: That's it though. 9:30 PM

Russ: I got called for a 5 yd penalty tonite: delay of tuck in 9:31 PM

Kirk: By your son or your wife. 9:31 PM

Russ: Is there anything worse in life than your 5 yo sounding dismayed and disappointed in you 9:31 PM

Kirk: Your wife....my sons will forget that shit. 9:32 PM

Russ: Son...that's a dad duty 9:32 PM

Russ: Any excuse to not sleep 9:32 PM

Kirk: Speaking of fathers...could Mark close the door on Rookie's season? 9:34 PM

Trophy Husband (6-6) vs. The Champeens (5-7)

ESPN Gameline: Rookie by 17.1

Russ: Yessir rookie has a tough peypey matchup 9:35 PM

Russ: It could be an agonizing slow roast Sunday nite 9:35 PM

Kirk: I'm giving this to Mark out of spite to both Mark and Rookie 9:36 PM

Kirk: Rookie get a better kicker you idiot. 9:36 PM

Kirk: Matt Prater, Blair Walsh, Caleb Sturgis 9:37 PM

Kirk: No one is going to pick them up 9:37 PM

Kirk: Caleb Sturgis would be my pick and was. 9:38 PM

Russ: Kicker hate! I might claim sturgis just to troll that bitch 9:38 PM

Kirk: I'm doing it right now. You take Prater. 9:39 PM

Russ: He has 8$ 9:39 PM

Russ: Nice 9:39 PM

Kirk: Fuck you Rookie! 9:39 PM

Russ: pay up buttsack! 9:40 PM

Russ: Remember when calling a dude buttmunch was in style 9:41 PM

Barclay Street Bruisers (8-4) vs. Blackpool Penguins (5-7)

ESPN Gameline: Norris by 27.1

Kirk: Okay last game. Norris "1 more makes 7" Bunn and Paul "Back Slider" Gilbert. 9:41 PM

Kirk: Paul needs Julius Thomas (TE) to come back. 9:42 PM

Kirk: I need him to stay down so Sanders gets more looks. 9:43 PM

Russ: Agreed 9:43 PM

Russ: Sanders got sassy while Thomas was healthy 9:43 PM

Russ: Norris might have a free pass this week because he should put up enough points to get Jenna if I stay out of 6th 9:44 PM

Kirk: I need that positive thinking. 9:44 PM

Russ: If I was the man I'd tank this weekend to keep Norris out 9:45 PM

Russ: Commish, let's get a reading on this: can I rest my starters to prepare for week 1 of the cup chase? 9:45 PM

Kirk: That would be ballsy. 9:46 PM

Kirk: That's next level shit. 9:46 PM

Russ: Oh how mad would that make rainbow brite? 9:46 PM

Russ: I'm sure id score 57 pts in the next game 9:46 PM

Kirk: New nickname. Done. 9:46 PM

Kirk: Meanwhile Paul is thinking "Do I play Sanchez against the Cowboys or Eli against the Jaguars?" 9:47 PM

Russ: Or he's thinking how good a second bag of Cheetos would be right now 9:48 PM

Kirk: I hope Paul is thinking that. 9:48 PM

Kirk: Okay let's look how we think this will play out. 9:49 PM

Playoff Prediction!

Kirk: Kirk: 10-3 Kendall: 8-5 Mayor Sellers: 8-5 Paul: 8-5 You: 7-6 Rookie: 6-7 Mark: 6-7 Norris: 6-7 Doc: 6-7 Nathan: 6-7 Yado: 6-7 Patrick: 5-8 Chad: 4-9 Ben: 4-9 9:52 PM

Kirk: Kendall and I get the bye. 9:53 PM

Russ: I will say Paul is the 3rd because joe probably doesn't outscore him by more than 30 9:53 PM

Russ: Norris gets the j 9:54 PM

Kirk: So Paul plays Norris 9:54 PM

Kirk: You play Mayor Sellers. 9:54 PM

Russ: No way 9:54 PM

Russ: I think he calls out joe in that sitch 9:55 PM

Kirk: Oh that's right. 9:55 PM

Russ: And Norris and I go at it in an epic opening round 9:55 PM

Kirk: You will win that match. 9:56 PM

Kirk: Mayor Sellers will beat Paul 9:56 PM

Russ: And you call out....kendall 9:57 PM

Kirk: You play Mayor Sellers. 9:57 PM

Kirk: Then you and me in the final. For a first timers Cup. 9:57 PM

Russ: I like my chances here 9:58 PM

Russ: Long way to go 9:58 PM

Kirk: Truly I think you are the team to beat. Mayor Sellers is scary. Norris is the dark horse pick. 9:59 PM

Kirk: Kendall is the sentimental favorite. 9:59 PM

Kirk: But you are the beat monster. 9:59 PM

Kirk: beast monster. 10:00 PM

Russ: Kendall is no sentimental favorite 10:01 PM

Russ: Paul would be. Also no one really believes in him right now 10:01 PM

Kirk: I blame Palmer for that 10:02 PM

Russ: Some players are not worth the risk 10:03 PM

Russ: You mean a low upside injury prone qb got hurt? 10:03 PM

Kirk: Is it funnier to post this before the FAAB or after. 10:03 PM

Russ: Before especially if rookie sees it 10:04 PM

Kirk: Okay ill get it up tonight. Thanks again. 10:04 PM

Russ: He will have to decide whether to wash those cloth diapers by hand AGAIN (you know he does cloth) , before the wife smashes a dirty one in his face 10:05 PM

Russ: This was fun 10:05 PM

Kirk: They are definitely cloth....asshole. “Save the world for my kids!”....loser. 10:05 PM