2016 Week 6 Numbers

Week 6 All-Play Numbers

• New highs and lows for the league in Week 6. Ryan's 136.6 takes the cake, while Yado's 55.6...[fartsound].
• Russ is still looking very strong, although Joe is making quite the move.
• Paul is steady, while Ryan is volatile.

Week 6 Luck

• All the good luck being sucked up by six of the league's 14 teams.
• Paul...ouch, man.
• Overall, though, everyone is closer to 0 than at this point in seasons past.

Week 6 Hotness

• Joe paces the group.
• No one is really that bad.
• 14 team leagues are hard.

Week 6 Jenna Von Oÿ

• Two weeks in a row. She must like my style.
• Paul and Corey still lurking, biding their time.
• Ryan making a move.

Week 6 Playoff Seed History

• Norris at his lowest point of the season.
• Kirk has had the least variance. Makes sense, since he's be at 14 five out of six weeks.
• I have the most variance, climbing from double digits to a double-Jenna-dip.

2016 Week 5 Numbers

Week 5 All-Play Numbers

• Russ, Patrick and Rookie are the class of the league right now.
• Joe, Ben, Paul, Corey, and Nathan are in a clump in the second tier.
• Kendall's good week removes him from the cellar, where Ryan now resides.

Week 5 Luck

• Rookie's luck at this point in the season is the most in two years, since Joe's Voodoo Brown was up over 1.6 through week 5 of 2014.
• Joe, Ben, Chad, and Norris...all right on the money.
• Repeat from last week: Kirk's team is...well...not good, but he's also been pretty unlucky.

Week 5 Hotness

• These are the averages over the last three weeks.
• Patrick and Russ in the triple digits.
• Kendall, Ryan, and Norris pulling up the rear.

Week 5 Jenna Von Oÿ

• What up, girl?
• Paul and Corey, in the corner of the bar, ready to cock block.
• Big gap between the top three and everyone else.

Week 5 Playoff Seed History

• Yado with the biggest move of the week.
• Top four seeds remain unchanged, while five and six swap. Yum.
• Yado, Pul, Kendall and Kirk remain the only four not to have ever been in the playoff field.

Fuck You, Pink Nightmare.

Saving this for posterity's sake.


{THIS IS NOT AN OVERT REQUEST FOR SYMPATHY.}

First of all -- Kirk, I owe you a sincere apology. I didn't beat you, you just got unlucky and lost. But let there be no doubt which team is the worst team in the CKL, and (this is for Patrick, Yado, Corey, or whoever else) let there be no doubt which coach is the worst coach in the CKL.

Worst Team: Pink Nightmare.

Worst Coach: Kendall Howell.


Now, a rousing *FUCK YOU* to my players, past and present.

Carson Palmer -- This one is easy. FUCK YOU, vagina face. Nice fucking concussion, you fucking gaping pussy hole. You roast beef flapping labia. You fucking cunt. I got too drunk on draft night, and allowed the room to coalesce me into drafting you. Now I have to look at your name on my fucking team, see your fucking wheezing twat of a face on my roster when I use the phone app. You have single-handedly ruined my fantasy football experience for 2016. Fuck you.

Matt Stafford -- Hey dickbreath, only shitbags keep it "Matthew" and don't shorten it to Matt. Meanwhile, thank you for blowing up on my bench when you're facing good defenses and then laying thick, slimy turds when you start for me against shitty defenses. I'd trade your sorry ass, but the only other coach who wants you is that colossal homer, Corey, and he values his players at $19.75 on the dollar, so no dice. Congratulations. I guess you're my starting quarterback for the rest of the season unless I can somehow lure Paul into this pity party so he trades the Red Rifle to me.

Zeke -- Nah, you're good man. Just... keep your hands off your girlfriend and don't get high. Please.

Amari Cooper -- No but seriously, what the fuck? It's the thick, colorful thing with the team name written on it, located at either end of the field. Prediction: I trade you away, then you magically learn how to remove your head from your ass and score some touchdowns. 15.7 points, 7.1 points, 6.2 points, 4.8 points, 8.5 average, but getting worse every week... congratulations, you're my second-best player. Asshole.

Sammy Watkins -- I honestly and sincerely hope you get hit by a truck. Maybe don't die (though make absolutely no mistake -- I'd be okay if you did), but go ahead and have that so-called "football career" ended. I actually feel worse for the Bills than I do for myself on this one.

John Brown -- I actually don't even know what to say. I blame myself, I blame Matthew Berry (seriously, why do I still read his shit, he's clearly just a fucking long-winded hack), and I blame Carson Palmer. You know, in the old days, a dude'd get concussed, and it wouldn't matter. He'd still ball out. Welcome to the ongoing pussification of football. I blame the Democrats.

Dwayne Allen -- FUCK YOU. And fuck all of the Colts. Straight up their buttholes. With a knife. A long knife. With a serrated edge. Bad news for you, Joe: Andrew Luck is never going to be anything better than what you're getting right now. The reason: As a life-long Bengals and UVA fan, I know *DESTINED TO ALWAYS SUCK* when I see it, and the Colts now have that look. (Plus all the money they sunk into Luck pretty much guarantees his supporting cast will always be lackluster.)

Eric Kendricks -- Hey, you've actually been pretty damn good! Correction, Amari Cooper --- you're my third best player.

Chandler Catanzaro -- I just fucking hate you and your fat fucking face. You fucking stooge. I hope you're sucking off Sammy when he gets hit by that truck, because you deserve to die with a dick in your mouth.

Tyrell Williams -- I ain't mad atcha, breh. But I mean, c'mon. I didn't spend 20 FAABbucks for 4 points a week. I could have gotten that from Brandon LaFell for $6, amiright Russ?

Frank Gore -- Fuck you, you're old. I sent you to Rookie so you could poison my biggest rival from within. And you respond by being... your same ol' reliable self, 60 yards and a spike, 12 points. Go fuck yourself. (And hey Rookie, fuck you.)

Chris Ivory -- Oh, I see the yeast infection that had you hospitalized is all cleared up. Good for you! Nice 2.15 yards per carry, you fucking choad.

Theo Riddick -- What the fuck happened, man? Remember week 1? What the fuck happened since then? You got a golden opportunity, and then remembered that you're just Theo Riddick, that's what happened. You're the JMU of NFL running backs. Go fuck yourself. Corey, get ready for a trade offer. I want to send all of the misfit toys back to the island where they belong.

Michael Thomas, Tajae Sharpe -- Pull it together, rooks. Pull it together. It's a long season, and I'm already playing for next year... so please just pull it the fuck together.

Preston Brown -- You're pretty decent and semi-reliable. You're my fourth-best player. You would not be picked up if I dropped you. That's the sad state of affairs with the Pink Nightmare right now.

Jeremy Hill -- Looks like you caught the Matt Stafford disease; meh in the starting lineup, beast on the bench. I'll ride that roller coaster until your next backbreaking fumble in the postseason, and then I'm DONE! You hear me? DONE!

Tyler Eifert -- Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

Everyone else who has been on my shitty fucking team, past and present, who has not been named to this point -- You're too unimportant for me to even think about or remember, so go ahead and fuck right on off.

Sweet catharsis. 

Now it's time to make some trade offers!

2016 Week 4 Numbers

It was a bit of a lackluster Week 4 in the CKL, with the 91.3 average score across the league a season low. In fact, this was the lowest average score since Week 11 of last year. Injuries are piling up, we're starting dudes with no experience or limited paths to fantasy success, and we're in a tough as nails 14 team league where there aren't a lot of viable options on the waiver wire. Which leads me to Saturday's (yesterday's) FAAB auction. It was a sneakily substantial set of claims, with only Kirk spending any FAAB bucks. $3 on Quizz Rodgers, who is set to start MNF. And Kirk has already plugged him into his FLEX spot. $3 for a start!? That's cheap as hell. The other four claims were all solid, too. Take another look---folks are doing solid work on the weekends. If you're not, you're falling behind.

Week 4 All-Play Numbers

• Seven teams are a full 10+ games above .500. That's half the league! Seems like we have a bit of inequality in the league at the moment.
• The three way tie between Joe, Nathan, and Rookie seems a bit unusual.
• Kendall's seven all play wins through four weeks of competition is the worst mark since 2011 when Norris started with five. Keep in mind that 2011 was the year the CKL expanded to 14 teams, with Norris drafting young players with an eye on the future. No wonder Kendall changed the name for the first time in the franchise's history.

Week 4 Luck

• Rookie and Ryan continue to monopolize all the league's good luck.
• Hard to believe Kendall has the fourth luckiest team to date.
• Kirk's team is...well...not good, but he's also been pretty unlucky.

Week 4 Jenna Von Oÿ

• Norris had Jenna the first two weeks, she went out to LA to visit Patrick last week, and now she's in Montana with Ben. Guess she's only down with the better looking guys in the league. Also, it wouldn't be inappropriate to ask her to clean up a bit first, Ben.
• Kirk and Kendall, kissing kousins on the Friend! ship, with the exact same basement level score of 333.0 points. They're the only two teams who trail the Jenna leader by more points than is historically possible to make up in a given week. The biggest difference between the highest and lowest scoring teams to date is 63.5 points, back in week 1 (Joe high, Yado low).
• Paul and Corey are hot on Ben's tail. Er, Jenna's tail.

Week 4 Playoff Seed History

• I've expanded this a bit.
• Big moves up from Joe and Nathan. Precipitous fall from Ryan. That's what happens when you score the weekly low of 74.0 points.
• Rookie is the fourth different coach to take over the number one seed. We won't have a fifth in five weeks, though, as only Rookie or Russ can be number one next week, due to their win/loss records.
• It's pretty grim in the bottom quarter of this table.

2016 Week 3 Numbers

As has been my custom, the weekly numbers start to roll out after three weeks of the season. Already patterns are forming. It's still early enough for everyone to have hope, although it's much, much better to be on the undefeated side (congrats Russ, Rook) than the winless one (condolences, Kirk). Still plenty of time to make a move with a trade, a timely FAAB auction pickup, or a savvy start/sit decision. May these numbers illuminate, cause you to ruminate, possibly fumigate.

Week 3 All-Play Numbers

• Russ out to a quick, early lead. He's one game off Chad's pace at the same time last season, although with a little less distance between first and second place.
• Eight teams are above .500, which is a bit odd. But then you see the large gap from Joe to the group below him. Norris, Chad, Ryan, Yado, Kirk, and Kendall are all off to subpar all-play starts.
• Joe sets the early pace with the highest score to date, which he did back in Week 1 with a "Welcome to the CKL" drubbing of Ryan's D2F Ratio. I still have no idea what that team name means.
• Chad is the initial owner of the lowest low, a 62.4 point tumble in Week 2. If history is any guide, someone will go much lower at some point this season.
• As expected in the nascent form of CKL 15, the standard deviations are all over the place. Joe, Chad, Norris and Ben are roller coasters, while Ryan is redefining precision scoring in his inaugural voyage. Having a three week range between 92.0 and 95.1 points must be coincidental. If it happens again in Week 4, I'll be officially spooked.

Week 3 Luck

• Welcome to the league, Ryan. Beginner's luck, I guess? This aggression will not stand, man. Seriously, you're supposed to have to earn your luck in this league. Yes, I realize that makes no sense.
  
• Based on Patrick's smack board commentary, JPA is already acutely aware that luck has been against him this first trio of weeks.
• Anyone undefeated or winless is necessarily going to have luck be a part of that equation.
• Yado, Corey, Ben, Norris...you're all pretty much exactly where you deserve to be.

Week 3 Jenna Von Oÿ

• For Ryan (and anyone else who has never read one of these posts), the sixth and final playoff spot goes to the team with the most total points scored that isn't one of the first five seeds. We've named this rule the Jenna Von Oÿ award out of respect for the actress'
  
  work as Six on Blossom. Woah!
• Patrick is currently in the playoff field.
• Once you get down to Norris on the list, you're seeing more of a gab in points than can be made up in one week. Good thing we have ten weeks still to go in the regular season.

Week 3 Playoff Seed History

• A new addition to the weekly tables, this shows your playoff seed by each week of the season. The current seeding is shown in bold. The right column indicates movement since the previous week.
• Only three teams have been in the playoff picture all three weeks: Russ, Ben, and Patrick.
• Conversely, Paul, Nathan, Kendall, Yado, and Kirk have yet to be included.
• Yes, this is very early for this time of analysis, but I think it'll be fun to track what happens, what could have been, etc. It's sure to elicit some angst along the way.