CKL Combatants, welcome to CKL’s inaugural 2012 POWER POLL. Sans clear metrics or useful insight, and with just slightly more than a cursory look at the teams in question, without further ado: read on!
Note: these rankings will overwhelmingly focus on this year’s performance, with a sprinkle of past history thrown in when convenient, though probably not correct. This edition’s theme: Latin American countries!
1. Pink Nightmare (3-0) PF: 288 PA:216 W3
USA…Pink’s got the talent, and the neurons. But can the two-headed RB monster really work ALL YEAR? And is he off the Eli suicide watch? And is he the first to ever successfully replace Megatron with Starscream?
Trending: On cruise control speeding on the western interstate
2. Jesus the Moose (3-0) PF: 322.6 PA:219.8 W3
Brazil…You’re a sexy, exotic, dangerous bitch right now, Ben. Everyone wants your roster, and your record. The pressure’s on, Moosay…are you gonna abdicate your responsibility, or realize your potential and crush your foes?
Trending: Getting high, like off that ya-yo. Is the crash coming?
3. Blackpool Penguins (3-0) PF: 348.4 PA: 271.6 W3
Chile…BPP has both personality and the highest scoring team in the league. But the heavy hitters are dinged up, and Tommy Terrific looks off his game. He’s got hope and little spark, but hope doesn’t bring the glory by itself. Just ask Barack! <Oh no he didn’t!>
Trending: Stable now, EKG reading soon
4. THUNDER BEAR (3-0) PF: 327.5 PA: 266.6 W3
Colombia…Roaring load, roaring hard. Every calculated gamble has paid off, and everyone knows he’s a FF savant. He even warded off MVP A-Rodge on Monday nite, sending Krok to the depths of despair he so clearly deserves. What could go wrong? Uh, RG3 is a punching bag right now, and the Shanahans haven’t rolled the RB dice yet for the second quarter of the season. What about his batshit WR’s? Stevie’s mad, and Sapp’s crawled up into Marshall’s ass? What could go wrong? CKL, we might wanna play dead for awhile while stepping into BEAR’s lair.
Trending: Toward the fiscal cliff?
5. Barclay Street Bruisers (2-1) PF: 329.9 PA: 298.8 W1
Costa Rica…It was hard choosing between BSB and DOD here. I went with BSB because he’s got a lot of explodability in that lineup, especially if Andre J doesn’t do what we think he’s gonna do…hello, hammy tweak. Sorry Paulie. Not sending bad mojo. You’ve got a unit, especially if you make something of your youthful triumvirate at QB. People around you want what you’ve got, like our neighbors to the south in Central America. Is this the year?
Trending: 4G LTE Network usage after the iPhone5 release (I’m techy!)…
6. Double-O Daddy (2-1) PF: 291.6 PA: 271.7 L1
Uruguay…The most arrogant father in the CKL has assembled a hit squad. And he’s not afraid to move the chess pieces. Sometimes, he looks like he’s playing checkers, though. And that stable of RB’s would have me pounding Mylanta on a weekly basis. I predict this unit will have the biggest move up or down in the next set of rankings. But what the fuck do I know?
Trending: A particle in the Hadron Collider (I don’t know what that means, either)
7. Roo Tang Clan (1-2) PF: 245.4 PA: 291.8 L2
Paraguay…RTC’s team is similar to mine…which is why we seem to be in perennial trade talks so far this year, and our teams have performed as you’ve all seen. He gets the edge in QB and TE. But if his WRs were a dinosaur, they’d be a “lameosaurus.” HAHAHAHA. That said, when Joe is frustrated with his team, he makes changes. Sometimes they work, sometimes not. But no one above is comfortable knowing Kanga and her peeps are on the prowl.
Trending: Stalled, waiting for QE3 from the Fed (I'm a financial wonk!)
8. Magic Stick (1-2) PF: 266.9 PA: 288.7 L1
Belize…A forgettable team, and forgettable country. Can the least successful and regarded CKL franchise make a move that makes a ripple? Will Fitz drag the Cards QBs to the 2012 season? Will Joey from Wilmington become more than a whining drive time interview? Will TMS actually sniff the playoffs this year? People enjoy visiting Belize, when they actually decide to give a shit and visit. Time’s ticking on the TMS bomb, but it’s probably a dud anyways.
Trending: Swirling water in a clogged toilet.
9. Nth Degree (1-2) PF: 263.4 PA: 302.7 L1
Bolivia…Cam Panic Fever is in the building! Or is it “I-have-shitty-RB-itis?” Rook’s got probs and needs some antibiotics from his sweetiepie…and it’s high time. My expansion compatriot has overwhelmingly dominated me, on the field and in the record books. And he hosts an awesome draft. Our teams are pretty similar right now, but I rank him lower based on my incessant ass-whippings of him in half court bball from the summer of 2003. That’s how it happened, right?
Trending: Freezing slowly like polar bear poo in the tundra.
10. Glitterfist Lasersnakes (1-2) PF: 264.7 PA: 306 W1
El Savador…So none of his position players are the bellcows in their respective situations, and the injury bug is ravaging his squad, and he doesn’t seem to be that good at fantasy football. But everything else is good, right? Maybe Sanu will qualify at QB next week for ya, he-yo!
Trending: Facebook stock, AFTER IPO.
11. Juris United (0-3) PF: 275.2 PA:351.7 L3
Mexico…You lost to TMS….hahahaha! Feels good to get that out. Seriously, though. Alan’s got some STUDS on that roster. Probably the clearest underachiever based on that talent set, like our neighbors to the south, Mexico. Can he make that roster a little more cohesive? Can he keep the drug cartels out of our country? Kevin Curtis is NOT walking through that door, Alan. [Remember Curtis' terrorist attack on Kendall? Mexico-USA? How’s THAT for rankings synergy!]
Trending: GM post bankruptcy.
12. Achilles Heel (0-3) PF: 274.5 PA: 309.4 L3
Venezuela…The heel has an arrow in his heart, after suffering through A-Rodge’s loss of mojo, and Purple Judas’ rehab. No one roots for this team, and like Venezuela, everyone would love for it to be on the receiving end of a bukkake of American bombs, hopefully taking out the leader. His team is not this bad, though. Rodgers shouldn’t duplicate that SEA abomination again, and Heel's got a CKL rarity – WR depth, and A-D will get stronger. In spite of his continued douchery, Krok’s cleaver CKR messige bored bantar maques it wurf kieping him arownd, 4 nau. Keep pumping that gas, Hugo Whitt!
Trending: Samsung after the Apple verdict.
13. The Champeens (1-2) PF: 252 PA:291.4 L1
Peru…What a cesspool the ‘peens have become. He can look to the past to remember the glory, but like the Inca civilization, that’s all gone. All of his best players have ceilings that will limit their weekly production, whether it’s Vick’s o-line, the depth of offensive talent in NE, or shitty talent (you, Tamme). He’ll be back, Champeens always come back. (Though the Vageens also lurk around the corner) Just not this year…
Trending: Melting like the Arctic IceCap
14. Kick Azz Giants (0-3) PF: 207.9 PA: 272 L3
Guatemala…KAG is just like Guatemala…it’s got nothing you want. Ever heard someone go, “hey let’s take a quick jaunt to Guatemala!” Doc’s roster is a little weak right now, to say the least. What’s he gonna do about it? The CKL’s “luckiest” coach historically is not going to get a lot of sympathy while mired in the doldrums. He’s gonna have to fix this one from the inside. K2 said it best: “It’s all about this U!”
Trending: Slowly getting pinched, like Bashar Assad.
3. Blackpool Penguins (3-0) PF: 348.4 PA: 271.6 W3
Chile…BPP has both personality and the highest scoring team in the league. But the heavy hitters are dinged up, and Tommy Terrific looks off his game. He’s got hope and little spark, but hope doesn’t bring the glory by itself. Just ask Barack! <Oh no he didn’t!>
Trending: Stable now, EKG reading soon
4. THUNDER BEAR (3-0) PF: 327.5 PA: 266.6 W3
Colombia…Roaring load, roaring hard. Every calculated gamble has paid off, and everyone knows he’s a FF savant. He even warded off MVP A-Rodge on Monday nite, sending Krok to the depths of despair he so clearly deserves. What could go wrong? Uh, RG3 is a punching bag right now, and the Shanahans haven’t rolled the RB dice yet for the second quarter of the season. What about his batshit WR’s? Stevie’s mad, and Sapp’s crawled up into Marshall’s ass? What could go wrong? CKL, we might wanna play dead for awhile while stepping into BEAR’s lair.
Trending: Toward the fiscal cliff?
5. Barclay Street Bruisers (2-1) PF: 329.9 PA: 298.8 W1
Costa Rica…It was hard choosing between BSB and DOD here. I went with BSB because he’s got a lot of explodability in that lineup, especially if Andre J doesn’t do what we think he’s gonna do…hello, hammy tweak. Sorry Paulie. Not sending bad mojo. You’ve got a unit, especially if you make something of your youthful triumvirate at QB. People around you want what you’ve got, like our neighbors to the south in Central America. Is this the year?
Trending: 4G LTE Network usage after the iPhone5 release (I’m techy!)…
6. Double-O Daddy (2-1) PF: 291.6 PA: 271.7 L1
Uruguay…The most arrogant father in the CKL has assembled a hit squad. And he’s not afraid to move the chess pieces. Sometimes, he looks like he’s playing checkers, though. And that stable of RB’s would have me pounding Mylanta on a weekly basis. I predict this unit will have the biggest move up or down in the next set of rankings. But what the fuck do I know?
Trending: A particle in the Hadron Collider (I don’t know what that means, either)
7. Roo Tang Clan (1-2) PF: 245.4 PA: 291.8 L2
Paraguay…RTC’s team is similar to mine…which is why we seem to be in perennial trade talks so far this year, and our teams have performed as you’ve all seen. He gets the edge in QB and TE. But if his WRs were a dinosaur, they’d be a “lameosaurus.” HAHAHAHA. That said, when Joe is frustrated with his team, he makes changes. Sometimes they work, sometimes not. But no one above is comfortable knowing Kanga and her peeps are on the prowl.
Trending: Stalled, waiting for QE3 from the Fed (I'm a financial wonk!)
8. Magic Stick (1-2) PF: 266.9 PA: 288.7 L1
Belize…A forgettable team, and forgettable country. Can the least successful and regarded CKL franchise make a move that makes a ripple? Will Fitz drag the Cards QBs to the 2012 season? Will Joey from Wilmington become more than a whining drive time interview? Will TMS actually sniff the playoffs this year? People enjoy visiting Belize, when they actually decide to give a shit and visit. Time’s ticking on the TMS bomb, but it’s probably a dud anyways.
Trending: Swirling water in a clogged toilet.
9. Nth Degree (1-2) PF: 263.4 PA: 302.7 L1
Bolivia…Cam Panic Fever is in the building! Or is it “I-have-shitty-RB-itis?” Rook’s got probs and needs some antibiotics from his sweetiepie…and it’s high time. My expansion compatriot has overwhelmingly dominated me, on the field and in the record books. And he hosts an awesome draft. Our teams are pretty similar right now, but I rank him lower based on my incessant ass-whippings of him in half court bball from the summer of 2003. That’s how it happened, right?
Trending: Freezing slowly like polar bear poo in the tundra.
10. Glitterfist Lasersnakes (1-2) PF: 264.7 PA: 306 W1
El Savador…So none of his position players are the bellcows in their respective situations, and the injury bug is ravaging his squad, and he doesn’t seem to be that good at fantasy football. But everything else is good, right? Maybe Sanu will qualify at QB next week for ya, he-yo!
Trending: Facebook stock, AFTER IPO.
11. Juris United (0-3) PF: 275.2 PA:351.7 L3
Mexico…You lost to TMS….hahahaha! Feels good to get that out. Seriously, though. Alan’s got some STUDS on that roster. Probably the clearest underachiever based on that talent set, like our neighbors to the south, Mexico. Can he make that roster a little more cohesive? Can he keep the drug cartels out of our country? Kevin Curtis is NOT walking through that door, Alan. [Remember Curtis' terrorist attack on Kendall? Mexico-USA? How’s THAT for rankings synergy!]
Trending: GM post bankruptcy.
12. Achilles Heel (0-3) PF: 274.5 PA: 309.4 L3
Venezuela…The heel has an arrow in his heart, after suffering through A-Rodge’s loss of mojo, and Purple Judas’ rehab. No one roots for this team, and like Venezuela, everyone would love for it to be on the receiving end of a bukkake of American bombs, hopefully taking out the leader. His team is not this bad, though. Rodgers shouldn’t duplicate that SEA abomination again, and Heel's got a CKL rarity – WR depth, and A-D will get stronger. In spite of his continued douchery, Krok’s cleaver CKR messige bored bantar maques it wurf kieping him arownd, 4 nau. Keep pumping that gas, Hugo Whitt!
Trending: Samsung after the Apple verdict.
13. The Champeens (1-2) PF: 252 PA:291.4 L1
Peru…What a cesspool the ‘peens have become. He can look to the past to remember the glory, but like the Inca civilization, that’s all gone. All of his best players have ceilings that will limit their weekly production, whether it’s Vick’s o-line, the depth of offensive talent in NE, or shitty talent (you, Tamme). He’ll be back, Champeens always come back. (Though the Vageens also lurk around the corner) Just not this year…
Trending: Melting like the Arctic IceCap
14. Kick Azz Giants (0-3) PF: 207.9 PA: 272 L3
Guatemala…KAG is just like Guatemala…it’s got nothing you want. Ever heard someone go, “hey let’s take a quick jaunt to Guatemala!” Doc’s roster is a little weak right now, to say the least. What’s he gonna do about it? The CKL’s “luckiest” coach historically is not going to get a lot of sympathy while mired in the doldrums. He’s gonna have to fix this one from the inside. K2 said it best: “It’s all about this U!”
Trending: Slowly getting pinched, like Bashar Assad.
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