Week One -- CKL Previews and Predictions

This is brought to you by Kirk and Ben, neither of whom are smart enough to post to the blog.  But don't let that information taint your confidence in their opinions.  Enjoy!

Hola amigos. The CKL season is upon us! Let us rejoice! Hallejuah! Hallelujah! Amen. It is so exciting that I almost went to church...almost. 

Anyway, I am honored that Kirk recruited me to help write the previews this year. Sure, I don't have Kendall's wit, Nathan's analysis, Chad's football knowledge, Derrick's eye for hidden gems, Patrick's links to funny photos, or Norris's lovely locks, but I do have lots of flexible time at work to type out long, opinionated previews of CKL matchups. So, thanks Kirk. Hope you all enjoy my second-class contributions to Kirk's first-class writing (and first grade typos).

Hold you sphincters tight. Here goes.


HATE BOWL - Pink Nightmare vs. Nth Degree

Ah, the Hate Bowl: Kendall and Rookie’s yearly pretend insult fest that has developed into the league’s greatest rivalry. This year we get this joyous occasion as a season opener. The Nightmare is going for four in a row and the Nthers hope that their second testicle finally drops before the national anthem on Wednesday.

This matchup is intriguing not only because the banter has yet to begin, but also because the line has a scant 4-point cushion for the Nightmare. Just based on principal, I want to pick for Pink, but on closer inspection, the Rook has some legit firepower. Add that to tendencies to root for an underdog, and…well I’ll probably make the wrong prediction.

At QB, the 9-foot-tall-change-the-game-light-up-the-stats-record-breaker-I-told-you-he’d-be-a-beast that is Cam Newton sure looks sweeter than Eli Manning. Not to say I don’t like Manning, but he just looks scared or confused all the time. I hope for Kendall’s sake he looks more confident when the helmet goes on.

On the flipside, there is Arian Foster (boner) vs. Michael Turner (flaccid) at RB. Gotta give the Nightmare the edge here. Going up against Foster is like being wing man for Joe Sellers. You will always look boring next to him, but if you’re willing to take the UBF, the night can still be fun.

The WRs seem pretty even, but I’m giving Rookie the edge through yesterday’s trade for Antonio Brown. It is impressive that Kendall will apparently start two players from said trade. Here’s to hoping Kendall Wright puts up Britt-like numbers without the injuries or police run-ins. I’ll still give Rookie the W at flex as well, but TE goes to K-man for having a bad-ass player much further away from the cliff.

Tough to call, but let’s start these predictions off with an upset call. Nth - 99, Pink - 97

Thunder Bear vs. Glitterfist Lasersnakes

TBear and The Fisted Bunch start off the season with their matchup dependant on a treasure trove of stars from yesteryear with a sprinkling of promising rookie talent. Will Peyton Manning perform for the other horse-based NFL team and will the RBs Jackson run on all 8 cylinders? Are Doug Martin and RG III worth the first round picks? My guess is 2 out of 5: RGIII scores big in a shoot out and Fred Jackson goes big because I hate the Bills.

The QBs here couldn’t be more different – young v. old, pocket v. mobile, East v. West, Caucasian v. African, horse-face v. predator-dread, quimby v. monkey boy. I really hope Manning does well in Denver, but I don’t see it happening in this game against the Steelers. He’ll do okay, but won’t excel. Griffin, on the other hand, has an opportunity to try to keep up with New Orleans. Did you see what he did against TCU in the opener last year? That was fun to watch and what this reminds me of.

I think these two running backs started playing with leather helmets or at least it seems like they are that old (yes I know they are younger than me). They are similar and will likely be a wash for points, but I like Fred Jackson to score a bit more. The Rams will have to throw more than SJax owners want to see.

No, that can’t be right?

The WR and TE battle goes to the Bear. Roddy may score the most of any receiver in this game, but Nathan’s depth will give him a real edge. At flex, I want to believe in the Muscle Hamster, but can’t seem to wrap my brain around his success. Perhaps it is the heart shapes that appear in my eyes anytime I see potential points for Brees, but Darren Sproles seems like a much more reliable bet.

Still, the Bear starts off with a win, in what should be lowest scoring affair of the day. 88-81.

Alan vs. Chad - Juris United vs. Double-O Daddy - Red on Red
ESPN Game Line: Double-O Daddy 94.8, Juris United 67.5

I know that I am not the best Fantasy Football owner in the CKL. I am reluctant to even say coach. I know that I covet players I should trade, and trade players I should covet. I know these things because when I look at Alan’s or Chad’s teams I think to myself, “why are they doing that?” Of all of the teams in the CKL, Alan and Chad elect to use a method that is beyond me. If the Heels are the the USA, then both Alan and Chad are some alien Chinese team that I don’t understand.

You see I know that Matt Ryan and Tony Romo are good QBs, I just would never draft them. I know McFadden and Gore have value, just not on my team. I like the idea of Percy Harvin just not enough to indulge it. Am I wrong,….probably. So when I write this prediction of a red on red battle, I do it as if I am judging the floor exercises at the Olympics. I kinda of know what they are going for only in the broadest sense.

Chad, Percy Harvin will do better than 12.7 for you this week. With AP limping they will need to rely on Harvin more than I would like. That being said DeAngelo Williams will see time in the red zone when they come out of the tunnel and that’s about it. Alan, Frank Gore is better than I think but worse than you need him to be. Crabtree and Young may get better later, but suck now.

I give it to Chairman Chad, and hope his revolution fails. Chad 92 - Alan 62


Mark vs. Norris - The Champeens vs. Blackpool Penguins - Insert Vick Training Fighting Penguises Joke Here
ESPN Game Line: The Champeens 80.6, Blackpool Penguins 96.9

For what I don’t understand in Chad and Alan’s teams, I get what Mark and Norris are doing. Norris I felt had a great draft and has better than a fighter’s chance in getting to the playoffs. Mark always does better than I think he will, but right now I foresee a long season of wishing Vick, Wayne, and Wallace would all click on the same week.

Norris I have concerns about Reggie Bush, but damn it I was going to draft him so I get what you are doing there. I think Helu is going to fail as a fantasy player, but then again I was burned by drafting Ryan Torain in a self induced hangover haze.

I think this game will be closer than predicted but Norris will come out on top by let’s say 5.

Ben vs. Doc - Jesus the Moose vs. Kick Azz Giants - Moose Rising
ESPN Game Line: Kick Azz Giants 92 vs. Jesus the Moose 101 

Moose pride is high today as Ben fields a team worth writing about. Brees, DeSean, Megatron, Pettigrew....thinks are good. Of course there are concerns in Lynch this week, and Charles overall but Ben has to feel good. That is until Voodoo Doc comes to town. 

Doc...father, oh how I see the wisdom in Jennings and Welker, but low the dice rolled on Rivers, Bradshaw, Johnson. Do I doubt your ability...never. For you see the future of these things and know that my vision is cloudy. You know Johnson is back, better than ever. You know Rivers is still a champion with an improved receiving corp. And you know that dropping Bradshaw was the mistake that will cost me a playoff spot this year.

Do I reject the father and go with my most beloved non-Heel team....yes, yes I do. Ben has question marks, but less than Doc for me. Ben by 12, but not overall score is 30 points lower.

Kendall vs. Rooke - Pink Nightmare vs. Nth Degree - HATE BOWL
ESPN Game Line: Pink Nightmare 100 vs. Nth Degree 96 

My favorite part of the HATE BOWL is someone has to lose. I know we all love Kendall, but damn it I fucking hate the Pink Nightmare. Too long has 4 rings been marching a maelstrom over the teams of the CKL. It’s like we’re fucking hick ass retards on the Gulf Coast surprised that a hurricane just came to blow our house down*  So when I see a team like Rookie’s playing against wonder boy I get a little aroused.

Kendall’s team is amazing and will only get better as the season rolls on, but Rookie’s team just feels right...now. Manning over Newton, Foster way over Turners, Cruz - Green...I like Cruz right now. I think Brown way over Garcon (fuck you frenchy). Graham way over Gates. Smith over Wirght...maybe.

See this is how he gets you. I am fucking talking my way into to pulling for Kendall. Rookie defeat the monster before his smooth ways kiss us gently and whisper “it’s okay” as his slips the knife deep.

* Not everyone on the Gulf Coast is mentally impaired, just the ones that fail to prepare for the near certainty of a hurricane making landfall near their house. Having a fucking plan! 

Mogen David 20/20 – Achilles Heels vs. Barclay Street Bruisers

Up next we have Kirk and Paul fighting for the Mogen David 20/20 Award. Me? I love Mad Dog and would probably fight any of you for that delicious elixir. But that is neither here nor there, you want to know how Kirk will defeat Paul this week. 

First and foremost, Kirk has Aaron Rodgers. He is a stud among studs. Andrew Luck may be a similar stud in a few years, but for now, Rodgers will rape and pillage, while Luck struggles to get 15 points. 

Second, Kirk has Adrian Peter…what? He has been pulled from the shelves like tasty MD flavor Orange Jubilee? But Orange Jubilee was so good, and cheap, and warmed my belly. Oh well, maybe it will come back in special edition. Guess Kirk will go with the Mango Lime of the Viking’s roster. It is still damn good and will keep the Heels close enough to the running back score put up by all-fantasy RB Ray Rice. 

WR is Paul’s best chance to make a dent in the “Rodgers Gap.” If Andre Johnson can reestablish himself as an elite player, even for one game before his legs snap in two, it might propel the Bruisers to a competitive showing. He’ll need all he can get as Gresham versus the Ravens and Hillis’ role as a backup don’t inspire a ton of confidence. I imagine all these positions being pretty close, but collectively the Heels still quench your thirst like dirt-cheap Kool-aid flavored alcohol in a convenient hand-held glass container. 

The Heels stay strong without AP, winning 93-82.

The Silky Johnson – Roo Tang Clan vs. The Magic Stick

Joe and Russ get the award for the first post-draft, blockbuster trade of the season. The gunpowder filled balls on these guys for pulling this off are impressive. A quick analysis leaves me with a “jury is out” feel. Gronk and Shady are both amazing and the highlights, but if Murray performs like he did in his brief stint last year, Joe surely wins this trade by a mile. That is a risk I’d take too, but can’t blame Russ for buying in big on McCoy and a few other young talents.

Conveniently, these two are matched up this week, which always makes for an ulcerrific, regret-filled Tuesday for someone. I like both of these drastically changed lineups, but I’m really aching to lick some marsupial taint. McCoy, Fitzgerald, Blackmon and TRich have some upside, but Stafford, Forte, Gronk and Murray? Are you kidding? If these guys are anywhere close to what they were at their peak last year, Joe just got real scary.

Oh wait, it’s Mr. Unlucky, so we can all plan on four season-ending injuries by November. Crisis averted. Whew!

But for this game, all bets are on the RTC. They have gone from handsome, but mild-mannered Prince Adam into He-Man overnight. If the injuries happen, I’ll compare him to Orko, whose magic always ends in blunder. 105-88 RTC in week one.