Kendall: Kirk and Nathan just kicked some serious ass in their role changes for the week, and now it’s time for Ben and I to attempt to do the same. It’s sad that Ben didn’t get to change jobs after the random drawing, but I’m forcing him to change up the system. No more texting, dammit. We’re writing a bonafide, honest-to-Jesus document together. Coherence is on the rise! Here’s a pair of real cocksmen, crossing sabres. Clang, motherfuckers. Clang.
Ben: Right. The texting was seemingly the only way Kirk and I could knock these out, but it sure led to a rambling, half-assed-ness that both of us saw degrading to the lowest common denominator. You can’t dedicate your thoughts to CKL while at the bus stop or kissing your bosses ass.
Kendall: Don’t get me wrong, I always appreciated the work. And it was often hilarious.
Ben: If you could follow the thread. This seems like a better option. Guessing we adopt this format going forward.
Kendall: But before we begin…
IF THE PLAYOFFS STARTED TODAY
Pocket Ace (#1 overall seed): Barclay Street Bruisers, 8-3, 1122 points scored
Joker (#2): The Sexy Badasses, 8-3, 1081
Card King (#3): Pink Nightmare, 7-4, 1062
Queen of Hearts (#4): Voodoo Brown, 7-4, 1060
The Jack (#5): Trophy Husband, 6-5, 1071
Consolation Tournament
#14 The Hezballers (4-7, 904) vs. #7 Blackpool Penguins (5-6, 1104)
#11 The Procodile (4-7, 1048) vs. #10 RAINBOW WOLF (5-6, 876)
#13 Dream Smasher (4-7, 978) vs. #8 Glitterfist Lasersnakes (5-6, 1026)
#12 The Champeens (4-7, 1016) vs. #9 Kick Azz Giants (5-6, 968)
And just a quick reminder of what we're playing for...
Playoff teams are awarded the following picks in the upcoming draft:
1st place (CKL Cup Winner!) -- #13 overall pick
2nd place -- #14 overall pick
3rd place -- #11 overall pick
4th place -- #12 overall pick
5th place -- #9 overall pick
6th place -- #10 overall pick
The winner of the consolation tournament receives the most “ping pong balls” (highest percentage chance to land the #1 overall pick) for the upcoming draft lottery, along with the power to decide the keeper declaration order. Every game you win in the conso tourney earns you 4 balls. If you finish with three losses and 14th place, you get two "pity" balls. That yields:
#7 -- game I winner, 3 wins, 12 balls
#8 -- I loser, 2 wins, 8 balls
#9 -- J winner, 2 wins, 8 balls
#10 -- J loser, 1 win, 4 balls
#11 -- K winner, 2 wins, 8 balls
#12 -- K loser, 1 win, 4 balls
#13 -- G winner, 1 win, 4 balls
#14 -- G loser, 0 wins, 2 pity balls
And just a quick reminder of what we're playing for...
Playoff teams are awarded the following picks in the upcoming draft:
1st place (CKL Cup Winner!) -- #13 overall pick
2nd place -- #14 overall pick
3rd place -- #11 overall pick
4th place -- #12 overall pick
5th place -- #9 overall pick
6th place -- #10 overall pick
The winner of the consolation tournament receives the most “ping pong balls” (highest percentage chance to land the #1 overall pick) for the upcoming draft lottery, along with the power to decide the keeper declaration order. Every game you win in the conso tourney earns you 4 balls. If you finish with three losses and 14th place, you get two "pity" balls. That yields:
#7 -- game I winner, 3 wins, 12 balls
#8 -- I loser, 2 wins, 8 balls
#9 -- J winner, 2 wins, 8 balls
#10 -- J loser, 1 win, 4 balls
#11 -- K winner, 2 wins, 8 balls
#12 -- K loser, 1 win, 4 balls
#13 -- G winner, 1 win, 4 balls
#14 -- G loser, 0 wins, 2 pity balls
Obviously, it behooves you to win as many games as possible if you fail to make the playoffs and are relegated to the conso tourney. Good luck! It’s a mess.
Okay, enough with that stuff. On to the Predictions!
99 Problems: The Magic Stick (5-6) vs. Pink Nightmare (7-4)
Kendall: How in the hell am I sitting here at 7-4?
Ben: I chalk that one up to your fantasy prowess...and your gigantic manhood.
Kendall: Big dick, you mean? None here, sir. My 5-incher doesn’t poj t the way toward anything good. I pay huge karmic debts for my CKL success. Just take a look at the 99 Problems thread.
Ben: This week you are up against a hot Stick team (except for that weird loss last week). Russ is a contender and another Cup could ride through the Jenna recipient.
Kendall: Yeah man, I think the Stick has to be considered the prohibitive favorite right now. But you know, once the playoffs start, there’s no more safety net. Big scores have to be WINS. It remains to be seen if Russ will haul his bad luck along with him into the postseason. But this week… unfortunately… he’s got me dead to rights. I have zero matchup advantages. Maybe at QB, maybe at TE (though not likely), and maybe at DP. But none of those are sure things.
Ben: True. I know from experience that Lynch rarely has back-to-back games without a TD. I think he will hurt you, even though the Cards matchup is a toughie. Speaking of my Cards, what are your thoughts on not playing Floyd? Waiting on the Fitz go/no-go call?
Kendall: He’s burned me too many times in the past. Still, if Joique Bell can’t go, Floyd probably gets the nod (unless Gio does). I love Michael Floyd, but his inconsistencies have been killing me. Thank God for Mike Evans.
Ben: I regret not biting on that trade offer. Of course, I made quite a few “I wish I had/had not” decisions this year. Evans has been great.
Kendall: Mike Evans is my motherfuckin homeboy. But I think I’m about to get killed in this game. My hope is that I keep the scoring up to around 90 or so, to keep me in the tiebreaker hunt against Rookie.
Ben: Yeah, man, I agree. It is hard for me to imagine you not in the playoffs, but this matchup makes things difficult.
Kendall: So we agree, Russ takes the 99 Problems game this week?
Ben: Yeah, we agree. Guess the Stick is one of your problems.
Kendall: Fuck it. It’ll make week 13 more dramatic.
The Hezballers (4-7) vs. Blackpool Penguins (5-6)
Ben: The early season favorite and dominatrix has really faded. I would have never thought Norris could miss the postseason. Maybe now that he is closer to full strength he can turn it around…?
Kendall: He’s made just one lonely trade, and that was the A.J. Green / Gio Bernard trade he made with me before the draft. THAT’S why Norris is 5-6 right now. He thought he had the perfect team and froze… and then woke up five weeks later to discover that he’s out of the fucking playoffs. Used to be my homie, used to be my ace, now you got a big fat dick in ya face.
Ben: From 5-1 to 5-6, what a fall.
Kendall: That’s a fucking collapse. Titanic. He sunk like stock in Malaysian Airlines. He popped like the Mississippi Bubble. He panicked like 1893. He overprinted money like the 1922 USSR. And so on and so forth.
Ben: Like Linda Lovelace in every scene - going down for sure. Got too sure of himself like Tyson vs. Douglas. Cal vs. Stanford’s Marching Band TD disaster. On the other hand, we all know that Yado has done better than expected. I have no funny analogies for his middling performance.
Kendall: Started a surprising 2-0 / 3-2 / 4-3, but he’s skidding down a four-game slide of his own. One of these two teams gets off the schneid this week, but who?
Ben: I say it every week: surely Norris wins this one. His team is deep, getting back to health, and his hair shimmers when the moon hits it just right. I go NoBunn: Luck, Murray, Green, Julio are just too much.
Kendall: I’m going with Yado, thanks to the juju provided by the return of Josh Gordon! Gordon and Demaryius Thomas, that’s a nice receiving duo. Fuck you, Norris. Go ride your rainbow back to Perfectland and soothe your hurt with the respect and love your adoring children and beautiful wife provide.
Blood Bowl: Glitterfist Lasersnakes (5-6) vs. The Champeens (4-7)
Kendall: I love the Blood Bowl rivalry, but these two teams have been swirling for a while, so it’s not a particularly important game, sadly. It’s a Skaven vs. Wood Elves exhibition game. THIS IS NOT A SANCTIONED MATCH.
Ben: Uh-oh, role-playing fantasy game reference. What is that Magic the Gathering? Warhammer? Or is that straight Tolkien.
Kendall: Just stop. It’s Blood Bowl, you dumb shit.
Ben: One I never played, so never got that reference.
Kendall: Of course you didn’t. You were too busy being cool and talking to chicks and making friends and winning and high fives and titties and blowjobs and pearl necklaces and finger banging and ‘80s style coke binges. Leave the nerds alone.
Ben: You have given too much credit to the coolness factor of someone who ran cross-country, was in the marching band, in the chess club and won physics student of the year. But yeah:
Kendall: KROXIGOR!
Ben: I have no idea what that means. But what about this game? Mark made an interesting trade this week, and now swaps out Matt Forte for DeAndre Hopkins in his starting lineup.
Kendall: And has finally cleared a spot for Denard Robinson in the starting lineup!
Ben: I used to like the look of Mark’s team, but now, it makes my throat taste of vomit.
Kendall: Yeah, Mark was stacked at one point. But lost in the smelt of the Jesus the Mousse’s epic meltdown was the Peens falling flat. This team should have been a Cup contender this season, but alas.
Ben: Oh, I have a new team name...for the final run to the postseason.
Kendall: Dream Smasher, me likey. You smashed Chad’s playoff dreams last week, and then he swung a quick fire sale. Nice work. Meanwhile… Smashed dreams, that’s what JPA is all about these days, huh? Hated the way he sort of hung it up around midseason, that sucked.
Ben: Indeed.
Kendall: I give this game to Mark, on the power of sheer givashit. The Stafford / Lacy / Hopkins / Robinson core is dynamic and dangerous.
Ben: I’ll go with Patrick, because...hmm? Why? Well, his logo is still pretty cool. But besides Arian Foster, I hate this team.
The Little Lebowski Urban Underachievers Certificate Contest: Barclay Street Bruisers (8-3) vs. RAINBOW WOLF (5-6)
Ben: One of my favorite rivalry names. Have you ever been to a Lebowski Fest? I have been to an amazingly awesome one and a terribly lame one. Strikes and gutters, ya know?
Kendall: Never been, but I’d love to go to one! In a semi-related note, [my bro in law whom draft attendees now know] Eric and I had some El Duderino White Russian Milk Stout last Friday night, and then we took back some white russians. Good times.
Ben: Besides whoever else is in the playoffs, who isn’t rooting for a Paul or Russ Cup this year?
Kendall: I’m all in on those two.
Ben: Unless you make the playoffs, of course…? The Bruisers still look strong, but Mark Sanchez sure makes them much more vulnerable. Should be a tight one here.
Kendall: I gave Paul one last shot to land Tom Brady this morning, but he opted to continue to roll with Dirty Sanchez. I think that will ultimately prove to be his undoing. Seriously though, I’d like to see the last two Cup-less Founding Fathers (Paul and Nathan) win theirs before I win #5. Honestly.
Ben: So, do you think Nate has some spoiler left in his Rainbow Wolf squad?
Kendall: Not really. Not this week. Paul’s nursing a lot of red Qs, but so’s Nathan. This could be a low scoring game. I just think Paul’s got too much quality in his skill position talent. HOWEVER, I do like B-Marsh versus the Bucs. That could be a pointsplosion.
Ben: McCown. VJax, Freddy Jackson? How is Nathan not mathematically eliminated yet? And who is he gonna keep?
Kendall: He’s wily, that Nathan Sanford. I’d say his keepers are Marshall, and… umm… Christine Michael, if the Seahawks really do move on from Beast Mode? Bortles is a redshirt, so that’s good. Not sure who keeper #3 is. Kelce? Yuck.
Ben: Yucky? Yes. Nathan’s wits have resulted in about three more wins than I would have expected, so I wouldn’t look past him for the win. But, I’d be stupid to pick him against Paul this week.
Kendall: Officially, I like Paul to win this week, but in a close one. Something like 82-80 or so. A nailbiter. The subtext here is pretty profound: Paul needs to find a way to get his shit together for the playoffs. I’m nervous about the BSBs’ ability to win in the postseason.
Ben: Pulling for you Paul. I know you don’t need fans, but here I am hoping your team is ready come playoff time. Lead them to glory, Sanchez...D’oh!
Kendall: I am pulling AGAINST you, Paul, because look who’s second place in the Orange Division. Plus, I offered you the Cup on a silver platter, and you slapped it out of my hand. So screw you.
Bikini Bowl: Trophy Husband (6-5) vs. The Sexy Badasses (8-3)
Kendall: I’m happy to see the bikini pics flying fast and furious already. These two dildos have dropped the ball on that shit the last few years. Bravo to Kirk for stepping it up in 2014, and to Rookie for responding in kind. Ben, you ready for an over/under?
Ben: Them bikinis is making me happy! Shoot on the over/under.
Kendall: Over/under, number of times I am going to masturbate to pics found in the Bikini Bowl thread: TWO.
Ben: Easy to take the over on this one. If it was two on the first pic, I might go for the under.
Kendall: Over is correct. Inspired work there, Kirky and Rookie. I shall commence knuckle-dusting. As far as this game is concerned, it looks close. Really close.
Ben: I am with you, this one is too close to call. But, Kirk has had a charmed season, despite the early struggles for Rodgers and AP’s asshole nature catching up with him. He just seems to win.
Kendall: I’m obviously pulling for Kirk, and I honestly think he gets it done. A-Rodge > Peyton (yeah, I said it), and Rookie gets the whammy of playing that balloon Trent Richardson. Randall Cobb isn’t enough to overcome Richardson’s suck. So yeah, Sexy Badasses FTMFW.
Ben: Sexy Badasses in the playoffs is still hard to rationalize. Maybe I am just jealous, but a few others seems to have more deserving teams.
Kendall: It’ll be interesting to see what Kirk does in the playoffs. As per the usual, none of us are giving him or his team any respect. He’ll have a golden opportunity to sway (or verify) some opinions over the course of the next four weeks… I know silencing critics is on his ‘to-do’ list, will be fun to see what comes of that.
Boggy Siscuit: Jesus the Mousse (4-7) vs. Voodoo Brown (7-4)
Ben: The Siscuit is a disgusting award that I hope Joe chokes on. I feel like Joe and I have switched luck this year.
Kendall: You certainly have the jinx right now. But hey, you’re 4-1 in your last five games, averaging 102 points per win. The Mousse has it in them to really smash some dreams.
Ben: Is that right? Wish that would have been my start of the season, as expected. Now to smash Mayor Sellers’ dreams of a first round bye. I have traded with Joe 3 (4?) times this year and not sure I came out ahead with any of those moves.
Kendall: Nope, he has fleeced you this season. But none of those trades seemed lopsided when they were made. He’s just gotten the better end of things. It happens. Like you said, strikes and gutters. But here’s your chance for a measure of revenge! I love Joe, but I’m pulling for you. I might need some help squeaking into the playoffs.
Ben: Let’s win this one for Kendall, Moose/Mousse/Smasher! Bounce back T.Y., complete passses Russell, stay healthy Fitz, and flex nuts Jamaal.
Kendall: 18.2 points from Jammy-C on TNF, I’d say nuts were flexed.
Ben: Watkins, Graham, Forte, and Watt all scare me a little. Especially Watkins, because I picked him early and traded him for a bum. My stupidity deserves a big game from Sammy.
Kendall: Yeah, why the fuck did you trade Sammy Watkins? That was not a good move. No offense. That’s part of the curse on your season, I think.
Ben: Joe is good at convincing me and at the time, I had my three keepers and needed RB depth. I took a chance, it was just a very bad chance. I still pick myself. Spoilers gotta spoil.
Kendall: Yeah, well… Joe’s got too much firepower for you to handle this week, buddy. All 10 of his starters are playing home games this week, and I agree with ESPN’s assessment that the score is destined to drift above 100 while yours sits at around 80. Sorry Ben. Go win the Conso Tourney.
The Procodile (4-7) vs. Kick Azz Giants (5-6)
Kendall: It’s a shame that this game means so little.
Ben: Has anyone heard from Derrick? Is he still in this dimension?
Kendall: He’s replied to a few trade offers I’ve made. But there’s not a great touchstone between him and the league. Derrick wants to play elite-level FF, but it’s hard not being originally part of this circle of friends. I love the guy, though.
Ben: Chad took the bait for AP. We all know how you feel about Purple Jesus (Beelzebub). More bad karma for Proc? Was it a decent trade or too risky on AP’s future?
Kendall: My opinion is pretty straightforward. I think Kirk should have cut him, and I think no CKL team should roster him. Frankly, I considered hammering down my Commissioner’s gavel and outlawing him from the CKL altogether. But that would have been a bit too ‘holier than thou’ than I usually like to operate. But anyway, Adrian Peterson… I really, truly do not think he’ll ever play in the NFL again. Maybe if the current climate were different. But thanks to Ray Rice and Greg Hardy, the league is in a position where it has to be extremely reactive to protect the shield. As far as Chad’s move to acquire the player, I think it was probably a pretty good roll of the dice. Respect.
Ben: Given that Chad traded for next season and Brown is on a bye, I see another win for the KAG here. Doc is also back at full strength with the return of Ryan Matthews.
Kendall: Chad is trotting out a truly ugly team this week. ESPN projects 61 points. They don’t include the IDPs in those projections, but I bet we see Chad at around 70 points this week. Very rarely good enough to win in the CKL. The Kick Azz Giants aren’t a good team, but they aren’t bad either. Doc takes this game in a walk. A cockwalk.
Ben: How many times have you taken your cock for a walk over the Bikini Bowl now?
Kendall: My stubby little peen doesn’t do much walking. More like a stump-like trundle.
Ben: So, we agree on Doc?
Kendall: Yeah, I think we do. And I think this game gets a little bit lopsided. Chad’s season has gone pear-shaped at this point. Can’t say I’m sad to see it, being the only coach to have won back-2-back Cups and all.
Ben: Understood. That is a pride point. But fuck you for the greed anyway.
Kendall: It’s absolutely a greedy little pride point. But look, Russ, Paul, Nathan --- I’m ready to see you guys win! Fuck it, Kirk too. Once you’ve paid your dues, and all of you have, I welcome new champions with open arms.
Ben: It is hard to stay in the championship picture year after year, that is why you continue to amaze and frustrate the rest of us. Go new champion!
Epilogue
Kendall: Well, this was fun. Thanks Ben! Sorry you didn’t get to do the Nits or FAABnalysis.
Ben: That’s okay. Maybe next time. You can see why this is such a chore though, right? Lots to cover and with two people’s schedule. Still, it is fun and keeps you up to speed on who has what and where the momentum lies. Thanks for doing this with me and introducing me to the Google doc method. Much easier.
Kendall: How in the hell am I sitting here at 7-4?
Ben: I chalk that one up to your fantasy prowess...and your gigantic manhood.
Kendall: Big dick, you mean? None here, sir. My 5-incher doesn’t poj t the way toward anything good. I pay huge karmic debts for my CKL success. Just take a look at the 99 Problems thread.
Ben: This week you are up against a hot Stick team (except for that weird loss last week). Russ is a contender and another Cup could ride through the Jenna recipient.
Kendall: Yeah man, I think the Stick has to be considered the prohibitive favorite right now. But you know, once the playoffs start, there’s no more safety net. Big scores have to be WINS. It remains to be seen if Russ will haul his bad luck along with him into the postseason. But this week… unfortunately… he’s got me dead to rights. I have zero matchup advantages. Maybe at QB, maybe at TE (though not likely), and maybe at DP. But none of those are sure things.
Ben: True. I know from experience that Lynch rarely has back-to-back games without a TD. I think he will hurt you, even though the Cards matchup is a toughie. Speaking of my Cards, what are your thoughts on not playing Floyd? Waiting on the Fitz go/no-go call?
Kendall: He’s burned me too many times in the past. Still, if Joique Bell can’t go, Floyd probably gets the nod (unless Gio does). I love Michael Floyd, but his inconsistencies have been killing me. Thank God for Mike Evans.
Ben: I regret not biting on that trade offer. Of course, I made quite a few “I wish I had/had not” decisions this year. Evans has been great.
Kendall: Mike Evans is my motherfuckin homeboy. But I think I’m about to get killed in this game. My hope is that I keep the scoring up to around 90 or so, to keep me in the tiebreaker hunt against Rookie.
Ben: Yeah, man, I agree. It is hard for me to imagine you not in the playoffs, but this matchup makes things difficult.
Kendall: So we agree, Russ takes the 99 Problems game this week?
Ben: Yeah, we agree. Guess the Stick is one of your problems.
Kendall: Fuck it. It’ll make week 13 more dramatic.
The Hezballers (4-7) vs. Blackpool Penguins (5-6)
Ben: The early season favorite and dominatrix has really faded. I would have never thought Norris could miss the postseason. Maybe now that he is closer to full strength he can turn it around…?
Kendall: He’s made just one lonely trade, and that was the A.J. Green / Gio Bernard trade he made with me before the draft. THAT’S why Norris is 5-6 right now. He thought he had the perfect team and froze… and then woke up five weeks later to discover that he’s out of the fucking playoffs. Used to be my homie, used to be my ace, now you got a big fat dick in ya face.
Ben: From 5-1 to 5-6, what a fall.
Kendall: That’s a fucking collapse. Titanic. He sunk like stock in Malaysian Airlines. He popped like the Mississippi Bubble. He panicked like 1893. He overprinted money like the 1922 USSR. And so on and so forth.
Ben: Like Linda Lovelace in every scene - going down for sure. Got too sure of himself like Tyson vs. Douglas. Cal vs. Stanford’s Marching Band TD disaster. On the other hand, we all know that Yado has done better than expected. I have no funny analogies for his middling performance.
Kendall: Started a surprising 2-0 / 3-2 / 4-3, but he’s skidding down a four-game slide of his own. One of these two teams gets off the schneid this week, but who?
Ben: I say it every week: surely Norris wins this one. His team is deep, getting back to health, and his hair shimmers when the moon hits it just right. I go NoBunn: Luck, Murray, Green, Julio are just too much.
Kendall: I’m going with Yado, thanks to the juju provided by the return of Josh Gordon! Gordon and Demaryius Thomas, that’s a nice receiving duo. Fuck you, Norris. Go ride your rainbow back to Perfectland and soothe your hurt with the respect and love your adoring children and beautiful wife provide.
Blood Bowl: Glitterfist Lasersnakes (5-6) vs. The Champeens (4-7)
Kendall: I love the Blood Bowl rivalry, but these two teams have been swirling for a while, so it’s not a particularly important game, sadly. It’s a Skaven vs. Wood Elves exhibition game. THIS IS NOT A SANCTIONED MATCH.
Ben: Uh-oh, role-playing fantasy game reference. What is that Magic the Gathering? Warhammer? Or is that straight Tolkien.
Kendall: Just stop. It’s Blood Bowl, you dumb shit.
Ben: One I never played, so never got that reference.
Kendall: Of course you didn’t. You were too busy being cool and talking to chicks and making friends and winning and high fives and titties and blowjobs and pearl necklaces and finger banging and ‘80s style coke binges. Leave the nerds alone.
Ben: You have given too much credit to the coolness factor of someone who ran cross-country, was in the marching band, in the chess club and won physics student of the year. But yeah:
Kendall: KROXIGOR!
Ben: I have no idea what that means. But what about this game? Mark made an interesting trade this week, and now swaps out Matt Forte for DeAndre Hopkins in his starting lineup.
Kendall: And has finally cleared a spot for Denard Robinson in the starting lineup!
Ben: I used to like the look of Mark’s team, but now, it makes my throat taste of vomit.
Kendall: Yeah, Mark was stacked at one point. But lost in the smelt of the Jesus the Mousse’s epic meltdown was the Peens falling flat. This team should have been a Cup contender this season, but alas.
Ben: Oh, I have a new team name...for the final run to the postseason.
Kendall: Dream Smasher, me likey. You smashed Chad’s playoff dreams last week, and then he swung a quick fire sale. Nice work. Meanwhile… Smashed dreams, that’s what JPA is all about these days, huh? Hated the way he sort of hung it up around midseason, that sucked.
Ben: Indeed.
Kendall: I give this game to Mark, on the power of sheer givashit. The Stafford / Lacy / Hopkins / Robinson core is dynamic and dangerous.
Ben: I’ll go with Patrick, because...hmm? Why? Well, his logo is still pretty cool. But besides Arian Foster, I hate this team.
The Little Lebowski Urban Underachievers Certificate Contest: Barclay Street Bruisers (8-3) vs. RAINBOW WOLF (5-6)
Ben: One of my favorite rivalry names. Have you ever been to a Lebowski Fest? I have been to an amazingly awesome one and a terribly lame one. Strikes and gutters, ya know?
Kendall: Never been, but I’d love to go to one! In a semi-related note, [my bro in law whom draft attendees now know] Eric and I had some El Duderino White Russian Milk Stout last Friday night, and then we took back some white russians. Good times.
Ben: Besides whoever else is in the playoffs, who isn’t rooting for a Paul or Russ Cup this year?
Kendall: I’m all in on those two.
Ben: Unless you make the playoffs, of course…? The Bruisers still look strong, but Mark Sanchez sure makes them much more vulnerable. Should be a tight one here.
Kendall: I gave Paul one last shot to land Tom Brady this morning, but he opted to continue to roll with Dirty Sanchez. I think that will ultimately prove to be his undoing. Seriously though, I’d like to see the last two Cup-less Founding Fathers (Paul and Nathan) win theirs before I win #5. Honestly.
Ben: So, do you think Nate has some spoiler left in his Rainbow Wolf squad?
Kendall: Not really. Not this week. Paul’s nursing a lot of red Qs, but so’s Nathan. This could be a low scoring game. I just think Paul’s got too much quality in his skill position talent. HOWEVER, I do like B-Marsh versus the Bucs. That could be a pointsplosion.
Ben: McCown. VJax, Freddy Jackson? How is Nathan not mathematically eliminated yet? And who is he gonna keep?
Kendall: He’s wily, that Nathan Sanford. I’d say his keepers are Marshall, and… umm… Christine Michael, if the Seahawks really do move on from Beast Mode? Bortles is a redshirt, so that’s good. Not sure who keeper #3 is. Kelce? Yuck.
Ben: Yucky? Yes. Nathan’s wits have resulted in about three more wins than I would have expected, so I wouldn’t look past him for the win. But, I’d be stupid to pick him against Paul this week.
Kendall: Officially, I like Paul to win this week, but in a close one. Something like 82-80 or so. A nailbiter. The subtext here is pretty profound: Paul needs to find a way to get his shit together for the playoffs. I’m nervous about the BSBs’ ability to win in the postseason.
Ben: Pulling for you Paul. I know you don’t need fans, but here I am hoping your team is ready come playoff time. Lead them to glory, Sanchez...D’oh!
Kendall: I am pulling AGAINST you, Paul, because look who’s second place in the Orange Division. Plus, I offered you the Cup on a silver platter, and you slapped it out of my hand. So screw you.
Bikini Bowl: Trophy Husband (6-5) vs. The Sexy Badasses (8-3)
Kendall: I’m happy to see the bikini pics flying fast and furious already. These two dildos have dropped the ball on that shit the last few years. Bravo to Kirk for stepping it up in 2014, and to Rookie for responding in kind. Ben, you ready for an over/under?
Ben: Them bikinis is making me happy! Shoot on the over/under.
Kendall: Over/under, number of times I am going to masturbate to pics found in the Bikini Bowl thread: TWO.
Ben: Easy to take the over on this one. If it was two on the first pic, I might go for the under.
Kendall: Over is correct. Inspired work there, Kirky and Rookie. I shall commence knuckle-dusting. As far as this game is concerned, it looks close. Really close.
Ben: I am with you, this one is too close to call. But, Kirk has had a charmed season, despite the early struggles for Rodgers and AP’s asshole nature catching up with him. He just seems to win.
Kendall: I’m obviously pulling for Kirk, and I honestly think he gets it done. A-Rodge > Peyton (yeah, I said it), and Rookie gets the whammy of playing that balloon Trent Richardson. Randall Cobb isn’t enough to overcome Richardson’s suck. So yeah, Sexy Badasses FTMFW.
Ben: Sexy Badasses in the playoffs is still hard to rationalize. Maybe I am just jealous, but a few others seems to have more deserving teams.
Kendall: It’ll be interesting to see what Kirk does in the playoffs. As per the usual, none of us are giving him or his team any respect. He’ll have a golden opportunity to sway (or verify) some opinions over the course of the next four weeks… I know silencing critics is on his ‘to-do’ list, will be fun to see what comes of that.
Boggy Siscuit: Jesus the Mousse (4-7) vs. Voodoo Brown (7-4)
Ben: The Siscuit is a disgusting award that I hope Joe chokes on. I feel like Joe and I have switched luck this year.
Kendall: You certainly have the jinx right now. But hey, you’re 4-1 in your last five games, averaging 102 points per win. The Mousse has it in them to really smash some dreams.
Ben: Is that right? Wish that would have been my start of the season, as expected. Now to smash Mayor Sellers’ dreams of a first round bye. I have traded with Joe 3 (4?) times this year and not sure I came out ahead with any of those moves.
Kendall: Nope, he has fleeced you this season. But none of those trades seemed lopsided when they were made. He’s just gotten the better end of things. It happens. Like you said, strikes and gutters. But here’s your chance for a measure of revenge! I love Joe, but I’m pulling for you. I might need some help squeaking into the playoffs.
Ben: Let’s win this one for Kendall, Moose/Mousse/Smasher! Bounce back T.Y., complete passses Russell, stay healthy Fitz, and flex nuts Jamaal.
Kendall: 18.2 points from Jammy-C on TNF, I’d say nuts were flexed.
Ben: Watkins, Graham, Forte, and Watt all scare me a little. Especially Watkins, because I picked him early and traded him for a bum. My stupidity deserves a big game from Sammy.
Kendall: Yeah, why the fuck did you trade Sammy Watkins? That was not a good move. No offense. That’s part of the curse on your season, I think.
Ben: Joe is good at convincing me and at the time, I had my three keepers and needed RB depth. I took a chance, it was just a very bad chance. I still pick myself. Spoilers gotta spoil.
Kendall: Yeah, well… Joe’s got too much firepower for you to handle this week, buddy. All 10 of his starters are playing home games this week, and I agree with ESPN’s assessment that the score is destined to drift above 100 while yours sits at around 80. Sorry Ben. Go win the Conso Tourney.
The Procodile (4-7) vs. Kick Azz Giants (5-6)
Kendall: It’s a shame that this game means so little.
Ben: Has anyone heard from Derrick? Is he still in this dimension?
Kendall: He’s replied to a few trade offers I’ve made. But there’s not a great touchstone between him and the league. Derrick wants to play elite-level FF, but it’s hard not being originally part of this circle of friends. I love the guy, though.
Ben: Chad took the bait for AP. We all know how you feel about Purple Jesus (Beelzebub). More bad karma for Proc? Was it a decent trade or too risky on AP’s future?
Kendall: My opinion is pretty straightforward. I think Kirk should have cut him, and I think no CKL team should roster him. Frankly, I considered hammering down my Commissioner’s gavel and outlawing him from the CKL altogether. But that would have been a bit too ‘holier than thou’ than I usually like to operate. But anyway, Adrian Peterson… I really, truly do not think he’ll ever play in the NFL again. Maybe if the current climate were different. But thanks to Ray Rice and Greg Hardy, the league is in a position where it has to be extremely reactive to protect the shield. As far as Chad’s move to acquire the player, I think it was probably a pretty good roll of the dice. Respect.
Ben: Given that Chad traded for next season and Brown is on a bye, I see another win for the KAG here. Doc is also back at full strength with the return of Ryan Matthews.
Kendall: Chad is trotting out a truly ugly team this week. ESPN projects 61 points. They don’t include the IDPs in those projections, but I bet we see Chad at around 70 points this week. Very rarely good enough to win in the CKL. The Kick Azz Giants aren’t a good team, but they aren’t bad either. Doc takes this game in a walk. A cockwalk.
Ben: How many times have you taken your cock for a walk over the Bikini Bowl now?
Kendall: My stubby little peen doesn’t do much walking. More like a stump-like trundle.
Ben: So, we agree on Doc?
Kendall: Yeah, I think we do. And I think this game gets a little bit lopsided. Chad’s season has gone pear-shaped at this point. Can’t say I’m sad to see it, being the only coach to have won back-2-back Cups and all.
Ben: Understood. That is a pride point. But fuck you for the greed anyway.
Kendall: It’s absolutely a greedy little pride point. But look, Russ, Paul, Nathan --- I’m ready to see you guys win! Fuck it, Kirk too. Once you’ve paid your dues, and all of you have, I welcome new champions with open arms.
Ben: It is hard to stay in the championship picture year after year, that is why you continue to amaze and frustrate the rest of us. Go new champion!
Epilogue
Kendall: Well, this was fun. Thanks Ben! Sorry you didn’t get to do the Nits or FAABnalysis.
Ben: That’s okay. Maybe next time. You can see why this is such a chore though, right? Lots to cover and with two people’s schedule. Still, it is fun and keeps you up to speed on who has what and where the momentum lies. Thanks for doing this with me and introducing me to the Google doc method. Much easier.
This is a little like watching someone move into your house. All and all though, good job gentlemen.
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