Week 12 FAABnalysis - 11/19/2014

You're incapable of running this city. *Sit* your five-dollar ass down before I make change.

Week 12 Wednesday FAABnalysis

Sometimes you gotcha change things up, just to keep fresh. Sometimes you gotcha change just to exist. So I'm running the FAAB thoughts this week. It's not going to be themed or funny, it's going to be brutally honest. What the hell are you thinking?

First off, Derrick and Patrick. A combined $81 of unspent FAAB dollars are rotting in your treasuries, and neither of you bother to make a claim, or even an attempted claim. Money is power. Use it. Bully the rest of us around. Hell, three of us rolled into this week with an empty wallet. But we still made some noise.

An empty roster spot on your bench!? Don't give me that west coast nonsense, P. Set up your claims on Tuesday nights before going to bed, bro. This non-aggression will not stand, man.

As for Doc, what the hell are you waiting for? You still have almost half of your dollars to spend. Clay Harbour!? James Starks!? You mean you don't see anything better out there to spend your can't-take-it-with-you money? Or are you simply slow paying for a second consecutive year of the Golden Sarcophagus? Is that because it's the only trophy you think you can win? That's bullroar, man. We all know that when you're plugged in, you're a perennial playoff contender and a legitimate threat. I miss those days. And you're not doing anything to get back to them.

bullroar

YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU! 
SHOOT YOUR ARROWS! 
FIRE YOUR BULLETS!

Why the hell is he still on your team?

• Kirk: Caleb Sturgis. There are exactly zero reasons to let a kicker eat up one of your bench spots. No, really, stop thinking about it. Zero.
• Paul: Vontaze Burfict. He hasn't been able to play for over a month now, and even when he did, he was nothing special.
• Yado: Ryan Kerrigan. What the hell is it with keeping totally replaceable DPs on the bench? Perhaps this is something you're going to resolve later in the week? I haven't exhaustively researched this, but it seems like Yado has been missing the Wednesday FAAB most of the season. That puts you way behind the 8 ball, man. You want to bed a girl that is nice and wet because you've turned her on, not because seven frat guys have already cum inside her. Too soon?
• Derrick: see above.
• Mark: Jelani Jenkins. A defensive player that's averaged 4.833333333 points over his last five games? Sounds like a someone I'd waste a roster spot on.
• Nathan: Jacob Tamme and Jermaine Gresham. Why the hell did I pick up two tight ends when I already have Travis Kelce? I'll explain my dumbassery later.
• Joe: Marcedes Lewis. Something tells me you could find a better backup tight end.
• Patrick: Empty Roster Spot. Yeah, I'm piling on. But jeez oh flip man you don't leave one of your revolvers' chambers empty when you have 13 enemies to out duel.

The Claims

1. Kenny Stills, $17 to Pink Nightmare. Other bids: Mark $7, Rookie $6, Joe $3, Paul $2, Ben $0, Nathan $0. The hot claim of the week, and for good reason. Stills is a talented, if inconsistent second year receiver in the theoretically potent New Orleans pass offense. With Brandin Cooks done for the year with something broken (literally too lazy to CTRL-T and type "Brandin Cooks injury", although this parenthetical is way more work describing the action as opposed to actually doing it), Stills looks to have the chance to move into Brees' number two target slot. Worth the money, if you have it. Kendall more than doubled up the next highest bid, but I have no qualms with anyone overspending in freaking Week 12. The fact that Kendall is also the Cooks owner makes this whole sitch jive. And Stills moves right into this week's starting lineup. Well done, K.
2. Daniel "Boom" Herron, $4 to The Champeens. Other bids: Russ $4, Rookie $1, Nathan $0. Would not be completely unsurprising for some to have no idea who this dude is. Because I didn't. And you know I'm a fantasy genius because I have the lowest total points scored this season. Must be satisfying, at least in the way in which winning Boom Herron at auction can be, for Mark to know he bid perfectly and won him because he had higher priority than Russ. Boom looks to immediately move into a rotation in the Colts backfield since Ahmad Bradshaw broke his ankle and is likely done for the fantasy relevant portion of the season (at least the dude will have plenty of time to play his PS2). Since Trent Richardson isn't good at football, there is a solid chance Boom takes over the lead back role going forward. Not bad for $4, Mark. Herron looks to slot into the Peen's RB depth chart at #4, behind Eddie Lacy, Denard Robinson, and Alfred Morris. Solid crew. Why didn't Rookie, the Trent Richardson "owner," make a play here? I'll guess he never heard of the dude and is too busy getting whizzed on by his infant son.
3. Kenny Britt, $2 to The Magic Stick. Other bids: Mark $3, Ben $0, Nathan $0, Rookie $0. Britt looked pretty good torching the Broncos last week, didn't he? He is my jilted, on again off again lover, and I would've made a strong move for him had my coin pouch not been quenched. A bit weird that Russ got him over Mark, since Mark bid a dollar more. But it's because Mark had just claimed Herron (above) and didn't have a roster spot. So one saavy move by Mark at the expense of Russ is vice versa'd. As the fifth WR on The Magic Stick, I like this move. Russ appears extremely dialed in and is clearly a very dangerous squad as we head toward the postseason.
   
4. Daryl Smith, $4 to Blackpool Penguins. Other bids: Rookie, $0. If you want a dude, pay for him. I've got no problem with that. I don't really like spending FAAB bucks on DPers, but I have horrible DPers---don't listen to me.
5. Marcedes Lewis, $3 to Voodoo Brown. Other bids: Ben $0. I'm just now realized that the guy I lambasted Joe for having on his roster above is the same guy Joe just spent $3 to procure. And Ben tried to get him, too. This deservers further inquiry. Wait a second, Joe is playing Ben this week. And Ben needs a TE. And Ben has no money to spend in FAAB. Is this the first legitimate jock block claim in CKL history!? Maybe, but I'm not convinced. If Joe were simply trying to deny Ben Marcedes Lewis, he would've bid $1. Joe must've actually wanted Lewis as his backup TE. And seeing that he is just now back off of injured reserve, this actually makes some sense. I'm reversing my previous position, this is a great claim. Even if Joe's intention wasn't the jock block, it effectively was a jock block, leaving Ben to most likely start Scott Chandler in this week's match up. And Chandler plays for the Bills. Have you seen the pictures coming out of Buffalo!? When are they even going to be able to play that game? There's a whole lot of questions marks here, Ben. Joe is always a coach of the year contender in my book, but some of the FAAB strategy he has executed this year is totally next level. I'll be considering him strongly come the end of the season.

   

   Lemons from lemonade. Which is not the best comparison when it makes you think of yellow snow. Also: note the Labatt Blue.

6. Julius Peppers, $2 to Blackpool Penguins. See number 4 above. Although it appears no one else wanted him. There's probably a better then even chance Peppers gets a sack or two on Teddy Bridgewater this week.
7. James Laurinatis, $1 to The Procodile. Other bids: Rookie $0. Rookie's second DP target where he was outbid. Tough luck, bro. If you like it then you better put a ring on it, right? Also, we haven't talked enough (or any) about Chad's name change. It's fanflippingtastic. Next we need an avatar change and he'll go from one of the worst team names to one of the best, just like that. Laury had a big game last week against the Broncos (that was disgusting, by the way) and as such has Chad and Rookie all hot and bothered.
8. Scott Chandler, $0 to Jesus the Mousse. These are the cold rotten leftovers you're forced to choke down when a bully with more money steals the main course you've been coveting.
9. Riley Cooper, $0 to Jesus the Mousse. Clearly unconcerned with karma, Ben is left floundering with what to do with his open roster spots. If you Thursday drop him just for the feelings it gives you, I'd approve. Otherwise, this makes no sense.
10. Matt Bryant, $0 to Jesus the Mousse. Other bids: Rookie $0. He kicks indoors HOORAY! Rookie getting all kinds of denied this week.
11. Jermaine Gresham, Jacob Tamme, Rob Ninkovich, and Mario Williams, all $0 to RAINBOW WOLF. Line change! This is what a failed jock block attempt looks like. I play Paul this week. I have to win to keep my infinitesimally small playoff chances alive. Paul's only rostered TE is Julius Thomas with a flat tire. So I try to pry inside Paul's head to see which TE he might bid on for Orange Julius insurance. Two strikes and I'M OUT. Tamme and Gresham will be back on the waiver trash heap noontime Friday. My DPs? Who the hell knows.
12. Robbie Gould, $0 to Trophy Husband. Does Robbie know he's your second choice, Rookie? I might have to DM him.
13. Austin Seferian-Jenkins, $0 to Barclay Street Bruisers. This makes so much more sense. A theoritically high upside rookie TE, who could potentially cancel out touchdowns thrown by my starting quarterback, should he be the one lucky enough to receive them. See? I'm just not clever enough.