Wednesday FAABnalysis -- HELLOWEEN!

Yeahbuddy.  This week's FAABnalysis soundtrack is:

I thought about a whole Halloween theme, but it's kinda contrived and played out, so I half-assedly decided against it.  But maybe I'll mention werewolves or something later on.  Maybe a zombie nod.  Vampire reference?  I don't know, we'll see where we go as we go...

Today:

• 33 total claims
• 22 cash claims
• $77 spent
• $3.50 per cash claim

You know what's really fucking spooky?  How expensive IDPs and kickers have suddenly become.  Cans of beef stew at a Brooklyn Trader Joe's, I tell ya.  Anyway, let's pick through the wreckage...

Tim Jennings -- $11 to Ben

dropped: Jackie Battle / other bids: $4 to Chad, $3 to Mark, $3 to Derrick, $2 to Joe

I'm not really sure what to say here.  Not that I'm speechless, because I'm never speechless.  But... what to make of this?  With six INTs, a pick six, and healthy tackle numbers, Jennings is the #2-ranked defensive back, behind only Cortland Finnegan.  But 11 bucks?  Alan spent $6 on Charles Tillman (at the time, the #3-ranked DB) a week ago, so I anticipated a $6-7-8 bid on Jennings, and I guess Ben just decided to go with the $11 bid to beat out anyone trying to plunk down the even $10.  With $58 to spend and taking on water after an ugly 0-2 schneid, I understand Ben wanting an elite playmaker for his DB spot.  So it all checks out here.  The fact that an IDP was our biggest claim speaks to the underwhelming haul of this week when compared to last week's titular motherload.  So Ben went out and got his guy.  That's what we like to see here at FAABnalysis.  Confidence.  Conviction.  Lotions heated up in small hotel bottles on an electric radiator.  Satisfying masturbation, standing up straddling a turbo fan aimed at your balls while you gaze down upon a semi-circle of pornography.  Busting rocks, chugging beers, fucking chicks.  Now the President & CEO just hires a hot secretary to blow him.  This is what FAABnalysis is all about.  Flexing nuts.  Fucking rock and roll.  TIM JENNINGS SONIC BOOM!  Rail of coke off a mirror tray and on to the next claim...

Yeahbuddy.

Derrick Johnson -- $7 to Ben

dropped: Clay Matthews / other bids: $1 to Russ, $1 to Kendall

Welcome to the Ben Show, everyone.  The Moose is on the loose!  One thing I will say here: I think Derrick Johnson is a turdburger and I'm glad to have dodged to indignity of claiming him.  So, thanks Ben.  Also: HELL-BEAST will not be happy to see this insult of being unceremoniously dropped.  Expect his revenge to be swift and complete... and come in the form of crippling Calvin Johnson in week 11.  You have been warned.

Ironhide says hello.

Matt Cassel -- $7 to Norris

dropped: John Skelton / other bids: none

Let this be a lesson to us all.  Carry a backup QB for your starter's bye week, lest you end up being the bozo who has to bid $7 on Matt Cassel.  I'd say more, but Norris already feels bad enough about himself, I don't want to pile on.

Kansas City Chiefs, starring Rodney Dangerfield as
Coach Romeo Crennel and this fucking kid as Matt Cassel.

Wesley Woodyard -- $6 to Alan

dropped: ? (I think Alan just had an empty spot on his bench) / other bids: $0 to Joe, $0 to Kendall

At 9.5 points per game, Woodyard is the 2nd-highest scoring linebacker, behind only Daryl Washington.  Woodyard is doing it with tackles, sacks, and picks, and offers a veritable pu-pu platter of delicious stats.  The kid is tiny for a linebacker, but plays like a ball of butcher knives that has been shot out of a cannon.  I would have loved to have had him, but Alan dropped the bills and earned his services.  (Does FAAB make anyone else feel kind of like a John soliciting a hooker?)

Woodyard love you long time.

Earl Bennett -- $6 to Derrick

dropped: Brandon Myers / other bids: none

:crickets:

Jerrell Freeman -- $6 to Norris

dropped: Jarrett Boykin or Lamarr Houston (tuesday drops!) / other bids: $0 to Joe

In every even-numbered week, Freeman is either on bye or delivers a tackle total in the low teens.  Welcome to week 9, an odd-numbered week...  But yeah, smartassery aside, Freeman's numbers are legit.  Meanwhile, Jarrett Boykin was rostered?!?!?!??  You Virginia Tech fans can really be pathetic sometimes, you know?

Justin Tucker -- $6 to Norris

dropped: Jarrett Boykin or Lamarr Houston (tuesday drops!) / other bids: $0 to Patrick, $0 to Kendall

Tucker joins his fourth CKL team of the season.  He's a whore of a kicker who lures you in with a sexy double-digit outing, then kicks you in the noots with a pair of PATs to give you a 2-point week once you pick him up and start him.  I've decided that he's evil and mean-spirited, and that I don't ever want him on my team again, no matter how much he looks like Paul.

See?

Alshon Jeffery -- $5 to Paul

dropped: Robert Meachem / other bids: none

Sorry Paul, but you really fucked up here.  Not by picking up Jeffery - that was fine.  But missing your chance to Tuesday Drop that pile of feces Robert Meachem?  Major fucking mistake, mi amigo.  That hurt your chances for CKL Coach of the Year in my eyes.

Robert Meachem

Dumpster Diving...

Geno Atkins, $3 to Kirk -- Screw you, Kirky.  It's Friend Ship week, so I'll let this slide.  But please know that it cut me like a knife.  YOU STABBED ME IN THE BACK!  Now pass the Friendsmilk, I need to take a chug.

Alex Smith, $3 to Joe -- Joe's like the rich guy who finds it fashionable to shop at the Goodwill store.  You wily wannabe hipster, you.

Dexter McCluster, $2 to Russ -- I keep waiting and waiting and waiting for this little egg to hatch into something.  Imagine McCluster playing for the Packers.  Or the Saints.  Or the Patriots.  Or hell, any other team than KC.

Zach Miller, $2 to Chad -- Gronk bye week replacement.  Ho-hum.  But Zach Miller used to be really good, and it seems like he [finally] has a growing role in Seattle.  (Did you see his amazing touchdown catch against the Lions?)

Shane Vereen, $1 to Mark -- A penny stock that just might pop...

Vincent Brown, $1 to Kendall -- Nathan, please know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

David Wilson, $1 to Paul -- David Wilson, how can I hear you talking with my dick in your mouth?

Isaiah Pead, $1 to Norris -- Next level shit, right here.  If Steve Jackson gets traded...

Emmanuel Sanders, $0 to Joe -- The day will eventually arrive when Sanders is a red-hot fantasy commodity.  I feel it in my bones.  But bench space is precious, and the patience to wait this out to its uncertain destiny is not something I (or Joe) possess...

I'm not going to waste time commenting on the rest of the evenflow this week. If you made a claim that wasn't covered in the above commentary, just concoct your own inner narrative and don't bother me with your petty complaints.  Please.  Thank you.


Remaining Budgets:

Kick Azz Giants -- $66
Double-O Daddy -- $64
Glitterfist Lasersnakes -- $61
Juris United -- $57
Barclay Street Bruisers -- $56
Blackpool Penguins -- $49
Achilles Heels -- $47
Jesus the Moose -- $40
The Magic Stick -- $39
The Champeens -- $38
Nth Degree -- $36
Pink Nightmare -- $34
Roo Tang Clan -- $34
THUNDER BEAR -- $4

Biggest Claims to Date:

Rashad Jennings, $47 to Nathan on 10/24

Alex Green, $32 to Mark on 10/10

Kevin Ogletree, $26 to Kendall on 9/12

Greg Olsen, $21 to Kendall on 9/26

Chaz Schilens, $21 to Kirk on 10/3

Andre Brown, $19 to Russ on 9/19

LaRod Stephens-Howling, $17 to Ben on 10/24

Daniel Thomas, $16 to Rookie on 9/26

Robert Meachem, $15 to Paul on 10/10

Domenik Hixon, $14 to Nathan on 10/3

Jeremy Kerley, $13 to Derrick on 9/12

Daryl Richardson, $13 to Derrick on 9/19

Tashard Choice, $13 to Patrick on 9/26

Ramses Barden, $12 to Russ on 9/26

Brandon Bolden, $12 to Paul on 10/3

Montario Hardesty, $12 to Russ on 10/17

Ryan Broyles, $12 to Rookie on 10/24

Dexter McCluster, $11 to Nathan on 9/12

Brian Hartline, $11 to Rookie on 9/19

Sidney Rice, $11 to Joe on 9/21 (Friday FAAB Rebound!)

LaRod Stephens-Howling, $11 to Rookie on 10/10

Tim Jennings, $11 to Ben on 10/31

Danny Woodhead, $10 to Patrick on 10/10


Oh shit, I forgot to mention zombies, werewolves, or vampires.  I guess I'll just leave you with this peaceful video:

That's it for this week. But as always, remember...

GOTTA SPEND TO WIN!

Ben's Week 7 Predictions

Damn, Kirk is really showing me up here.  He has a recurring format, theme, and uses the blog.  Well, I am taking baby steps and will do at least one of those.  Oh and I won't use some perplexing pen name.  Here’s to the blogosphere!

Juris United (0-7) vs. Thunder BEAR (6-1)

ESPN line: Alan -7.3!!!

Is that line correct?  The lowly United favored over #1 seed Bear?  Just shows the parity and possibilities of the league.  Or the severe inaccuracy of the ESPN analysts.

For me, the new Bear logo is enough to convince me of a win, but I am sure all you Juris fans need some convincing.  Juris fans?  Hello?  Anyone?  Well, so it’s a small market.

I’m not saying that Alan’s team is lacking talent.  Matthews finally looks like everything he was cracked up to be.  And Demaryius (does the y-I together actually make a single long e sound or e-e or the actual yee it looks like?) and Dwayne seem to be breaking out…occasionally.  Too bad MJD is injured and Jessica Simpson seems to have cut off Romo’s balls in their breakup last year.  Or was that the year before?  My Us Weekly subscription expired, so you’ll have to excuse me.

Nathan continues his dream season after a close loss to the Rookie.  Ouch, that has to piss you off.  Undefeated, except for against little brother.  If it’s any consolation, at least you don’t have a little sister in the league.  I expect a return to glory for TBear.  Can’t wait to play you, Nate.  Oh, and $47 doesn’t buy a starting spot, huh?

Bear 109, Juris 99

Champeens (2-5) vs. Achilles Heels (2-5)

ESPN line: Heels – 38.8

Admit it, the Heels either scare the shit out of you or make you jealous.  We all had our little fake sympathy for Kirk as his bad luck streak extended to 0-5, but we all secretly loved seeing such talent result in no returns.  Well, suck on his Phoenix bird, because the Heels are starting to roll and we all better take notice or pray for another Purple Jesus injury (not really, I don’t wish injury on anyone).

Meanwhile, the ‘Peens continue to limp along with injuries and underachievement in spades.  Hakeem Nicks is back in the lineup though, so there will be at least one bright, optimistic spot for Mark this week.  Unfortunately, all around that ray of sunshine is a storm of epic proportions.  Enjoy the eye of the hurricane, Mark, because Kirk is about to blow your fucking house down.

Heels 128, Peens 94

Forgot we already compared Kirk’s team to a hurricane.

Nth Degree (3-4) vs. Double O-Daddy (4-3)
ESPN line: Nth – 11.8

Perhaps I should rephrase this as Daddy versus the Steelers?  At least only three terrible towels will be starting for the Rookie, but man that is still some serious stock in one team (says the guy with three Lions starting for 6 weeks). 

To be fair, the Steelers have been showing decent returns, but Nth’s real power is named Victor Cruz.  Rook has to hope that Hakeem Nick’s return doesn’t hurt his stud’s production.  My bet Cruz still shows off his massive, salsa-dancing shlong despite the shared looks.  The guy is amazing.

Chad has traded his way into contention.  Turner, Colston and Gronk have all been sweet deals.  Meanwhile, VJax has upper-decked three straight secondaries on his way to the “elite” conversation.

Of course, it’s Friday and I am late, so VJax didn’t pinch off quite the stink load on the Vikes last night.  He gave that honor to the Muscle Hamster.  Not to worry, Chad has plenty of fire power left to close this thing out.

Nth gets shut down despite the raging boner that is Victor Cruz.

Daddy 97, Nth 95

Glitterfist Lasersnakes (3-4) vs. Roo Tang Clan (3-4)

ESPN line: RTC -7.4

Patrick gets the patience award for picking up Manning last year and sitting on him through the keeper period.  Good for you Patty, Manning has returned to glory, just in time for you to bench the black hole that was once Matt Stafford. 

That is where the serpents have to hope to create a gap, because all the other spots seem like a win for Poon...er Roo Tang.

I can't see Sproles, Rice, or Witten outscoring Run DMC, Roddy White, or Jimmy Graham.  Austin and DJax might match the output of Harvin and McGahee, but unless Peyton Manning blows up, Joe is going to make it to .500.

Gotta give the edge to the RTC

102-93 Roo

Still needed to post this pic though:

If this works, I will kick myself, as it was way easier than the ESPN board.  And it has spell check, so Kirk has no more excuses.

Week 8 - CKL Predictions & Promises: The Downward Spiral

Welcome to the downward spiral with half of the season behind us and half of the season in front. Last week, Ben and I were spot on with the exception of me missing the Sanford brothers game. Fucking Rookie screws me again. However, I want to pat myself on the back for picking Chad over Joe, and I give Ben a hardy well done for the Patrick pick over Norris. Ben improves to 56%, and I creep up to %64.

Penguins at Nightmare: Calculated Risk
ESPN Gameline: Norris 104.6 - Nightmare 92.6

The Penguins have a lot of things going for them. The top third of the team (QB, 1RB, & 1 WR) are solid with good match-ups. Tom Brady will score a bazillion (25+) points against the Rams, Reggie Bush will pick-up 15+ against the Jets, and the Falcons will ruin the Eagles with Julio Jones adding his 15+ to the Penguins. Top Third could pull down 55+

The second third (2WR, TE, Flex) is a little iffy. Jared Cook will have to make hay against the Colts. Malcolm Floyd has the Browns so good match-up there, but Brandon Gibson is the question mark. Call me bias but I don’t believe Gibson breaks 10 points against NE, despite their inability to stop the pass (averaging 31.4 points per game to the opposing team’s WRs). 2nd Third: 30

The 3rd third is the Pat’s kicker which should be a good day of 7+ against the Rams in a score fest. William Moore (Atl S) is back from bye and should do well against the Eagles. Norris doesn't have JJ Watt to rely on for a dozen points (bye week) so that will hurt. James Laurinaitis (Stl LB) is trying to kill Tom Brady but I don’t see it. 3rd Third: 24 points.

The Nightmare is feeling the bye week blues with Arian Foster and A.J. Green on vacation.

That means a weak 1st Third, with Eli Manning against Dallas, newly acquired Pierre Thomas faces Denver, and Brandon LaFell at Chicago. I’ll be hopeful and give 30 points, but that is a stretch.

The 2nd Third is a little more stable. Reggie Wayne faces the Titans, Tony Gonzalez at Philly, and Dustin Keller faces the Dolphins. I think Gonzalez is under predicted and Keller over predicted so let’s wash it out at 20+ combined and 15+ for Wayne, for 35 points total.

The 3rd Third is Jerod Mayo for 10ish against the Rams, Justin Smith maybe 5ish at Arizona, Mark Barron I don’t know so I will go with the average 7, and the Saints kicker should get overtime against Denver for 10+. Total that out for 32

So add it up and Kendall 97, Norris 109.

There is a lot of positive wildcard in Kendall’s team this week but too much to all hit at once, so Norris gets the win and Kendall takes the loss he had calculated taking back in July. Then he cranks up the diesel and plows through the rest of the season.

Bruisers at Giants: Southern Brothers
ESPN Gameline: Paul 115.6 - Giants 98.1

Paul has a bit of the bye week blues going on with Ray Rice on vacation, but things are clicking for the Bruisers.

1st Third (QB, 1RB, 1WR): Andrew Luck is at Tennessee and this should be a fine day for the Colts - 18+. Stevan Ridley faces the Rams 12+, and Jeremy Maclin should get a boost from Michael Vick trying to hammer the Eagles 12+. 42+ Total.and I feel that is conservative.

2nd Third (2WR, TE, Flex): Jordy Nelson and Randall Cobb and the resurging Packers face the Jags. I want Aaron Rodgers to pass all day long, so I am bullish on these guys at 30+. The Vikings-Bucs game has me puzzled this week so my predictions have been running safe for all players concerned. Even so I believe Kyle Rudolph will score a TD and level out at 10ish.

3rd Third (IDPs, Kicker): Kurt Coleman (Phi, S) is coming off a bye and playing the Falcons. I see a good day for him at 7. Calais Campbell (Ari, DE) is average playing the 9ers so 3-5, and Chad Greenway (Min LB) has a Tampa Bay. I am going average again because I don’t know how to call this game either way. Paul has the Giants Kicker at Dallas so a 10+ bump from him gives you a total of around 30.

Doc has a lot of red on his team this week, but everybody should play.

1st Third (QB, 1RB, 1WR): Phillip Rivers will have a field day against the Browns. Ahmad Bradshaw does well against the Cowboys historically. My fear with him is that the Cowboys make him suffer for his sins and he ends up out for a couple of weeks. Wes Welker will have a nice day against the Rams. Total that up to 50+ which I again think is conservative.

2nd Third (2WR, TE, Flex): Chris Johnson is a wildcard every time he plays. He should have a great day against the Colts, but I am playing close to the chest and giving him 10 points. Delanie Walker is a Hail Mary against Arizona, so I am going combine his number with Jeremy Kerley and say they pull out 12 points combined.

3rd Third (IDPs, Kicker): Sebastian Janikowski is kicking in Kansas City so mark him down for 7+. Patrick Peterson (Ari, CB) will probably do well this week against the 49ers - 7+. Jared Allen (Min, DE) falls into my Bucs-Viking rule of averages - 5. K.J. Wright (Sea, LB) is worth 7 points. I’ll stretch and make it all 20.

Paul 112 - Doc 92.  I am low balling Doc here because I don’t trust Chris Johnson.  However Johnson would have to be 25+ to make this interesting and I don’t see it.

Stick at Moose: Hate and Love
ESPN Gameline - Russ 86.4 - Ben 121.3

I almost tripled the points scored by Russ last week (128.5 to 46.8).  This will now be known as the Tripler.  I did get the Doubler, but he full tripler would have been nice. Being 2-5 that felt fucking good.

So with that in mind, let me run down the Stick

1st Third (QB, 1RB, 1WR): I’m a Cutler hater, but against Carolina there is not much to hate. I could see 15+.  McCoy and Fitzgerald are the money shots though this week.  Fitzgerald is taking on the 49ers who have a solid pass defense. Still I see Fitzgerald picking up a TD and yards in a solid performance 12+.  The Atlanta - Philly game I am predicting as big so I am a believer in the ESPN 18+ prediction for LeSean McCoy.  

2nd Third (2WR, TE, Flex): Russ has a lot of stretchy options this week that I am sure Russ is glad to have and completely fucked on knowing who to play.  Current line-up is Vick Ballard (Ind RB), Martellus Bennett (NYG TE), and Nate Washington (Ten WR).  Ballard is an iffy 3-15 point bet.  Bennett is a solid 5.  Washington against Indy could be huge (12+), or completely Nate Washington horrible.  I think combined this lineup is 18 points.  

However waiting in the wings is Trent Richardson (Cle RB) who is coming back from a hip injury. If he is good to go then there is possibility of 10+. Darrius Heyward-Bey (Oak WR) is playing the Chiefs and could possibly be good for 10. And then Greg Little (Cle WR) could be an excellent play against the Chargers who have given up 85 fantasy points and 7 seven TDs to the Saints and Broncos in the last 2 weeks (Thanks ESPN).

3rd Third (IDPs, Kicker):  Russ has been trying upgrade his IDPs with the addition of Joe Haden (Cle CB) last week, and Rob Ninkovich (NE LB/DE) this week.  I have Rob Ninkovich targeted this week for my team so I respect the pick.  Haden is a gamble but then so is every Cleveland player.  Navorro Bowman (SF, LB) has been the backbone of the Stick Defense and he should be good to go and on the field a lot this weekend against the Cardinals. Alex Henery (Phi K) I think is better than the 2 points that ESPN is predicting, but I’m not going overboard on him either.  25 points is my total for this crew.

And then there was my beloved Moose

1st Third (QB, 1RB, 1WR): Drew Brees, Jamaal Charles, Calvin Johnson...fucking nice.  Megatron does face the Seahawks’ pass offense which could be a problem for other WRs, but not a fucking transformer.  Jamaal Charles faces Oakland, and Drew Brees will be gun slinging with Peyton “League MVP” Manning.  55+ is my conservative guess.   

2nd Third (2WR, TE, Flex): Marshawn Lynch, James Jones, Greg Oslen...well 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.  So that will be 30 points.

3rd Third (IDPs, Kicker): Clay Matthews has not been a factor for the last few weeks, but I like him against the Jags.  Elvis will get it done against the Saints.  Ronde “yeah I still play football” Barber gets the Hoo love this week against the Vikings. And Jason Hason should be called on a few times against the Seahawks.  Total the third to 30+.  

Ben 115+, Russ 88.  Russ can pull things together and stretch to 100, but that is still too Little to get it done.

Week 5 Numbers

ONLY three weeks late, y'all!

Post Week 5: All Play

 Notes:

• Pink moves from fifth the third, but the top two stay the same.
• Derrick is out of the cellar. Hopefully Mark brought some trappist brews down there with him, as he'll likely stay there a while.
• Blue grows even more dominant than the Orange.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Post Week 5: Luck Index

Notes:

• Damn, Kirk. Damn. Joe finished 2011 at negative 3.9. Almost there through FIVE GAMES. That just can't continue.
• I have no problem admitting to being the luckiest team so far.
• Chad and Patrick are pretty much exactly the kind of team their win/loss record indicates.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Post Week 5: The Hotness

Notes:

• Ben and Mark are the big outliers, on the top and bottom of the table, respectively. Just a putrid run for the CKL's resident brewer.
• Its pretty tightly packed in the middle, with a Joe/Paul/Norris/Russ/Kirk/Derrick group and another just behind with Nathan/Chad/Rookie/Patrick. PARITY PARTY.
• Blue a full 9.5 points past the Orange. Good thing these divisions don't mean a thing.

Wednesday FAABnalysis -- 10/24/12

Hit play.  Do it.  JUST FUCKING DO IT, okay?

Big auction today, with one really big prize.  I'm so geeked up to get into it, I don't even want to monkeypaw around with an intro.  So this is me mailing it in...

• 27 total claims
• 15 cash claims
• $103 spent on claims
• $6.87 per cash claim

But before we dive into the analysis of the individual claims, I want to talk about the "FAAB" acronym, and we should / shouldn't be using it.  FAAB stands for "Free Agent Acquisition Budget."  So it's the pool of money, not the act of bidding or the auction itself.  Therefore, I'd like to suggest an alternate meaning: Free Agency Auction Bidding.  FAAB.  Is that good for everyone?  Sorry fantasy football industry, but I just improved upon your shitty fucking acronym.  You're welcome.  Now don't forget the reach-around, quimby.

Tally-ho!  On to today's "Free Agent Grabs" (you can figure that acronym out for yourself)...

Rashad Jennings -- $47 to Nathan

dropped: David Wilson / other bids: $41 to Alan, $40 to Norris, $36 to Rookie (fuck you for bidding one dollar more than I had available, you prick), $21 to Derrick, $20 to Chad, $14 to Ben, $13 to Paul, $12 to Joe, $11 to Kendall, $7 to Patrick

This is going to take a few paragraphs to properly cover.  But because I'm an ass, I'll use numbers to make it look like a list.

1) Eleven of the 14 CKLers were involved in this auction.  On the sidelines were Mark, Kirk, and Russ.

2) Why did Nathan bid $47?  Seems like a weird, arbitrary amount.  But then it dawned on me: Wasn't this the amount Patrick bid on Peyton Manning last season?

3) This blurb from ESPN is what caused me to throttle my $35 bid down to $11:

Jones-Drew has been diagnosed with a sprained foot and will be sidelined multiple weeks but will not need surgery, ESPN's Adam Schefter reports. 

Spin: The fact that Jones-Drew doesn't need surgery means he was able to avoid a Lisfranc injury, which is the bright side. The down side is that fantasy owners will be without one of their top picks for at least a few games. Rashad Jennings will surely be this week's top waiver-wire pickup.

So it's possible this was just a three-week rental for Nathan, not a whole-season value play.

4) I found the ownership pattern of Jennings to be a bit comical:

Added from Waivers for $47 by THUNDER BEAROct 24, 12:01 PM

Dropped by THUNDER BEARSep 12, 12:01 PM

Drafted #123 overall (9th Rd) by THUNDER BEARAug 19, 4:21 PM

By the way, if you ever want to see that, click on the player's name, then on the "Transactions" tab on the top left of the pop-up window.  Cool feature, and one that I just discovered in the last week or so.

5) Did Nathan need this guy?  Alfred Morris, Doug Martin, and Steven Jackson say hello.  Get your RB-needy selves ready to field some trade offers from THUNDER BEAR.  (Nathan, you can reach me at kendallhowell@gmail.com)

6) This claim, along with the $1 Devery Henderson claim (more on that later, though you can probably already guess what I'm going to say), reduced Nathan to $4 remaining in his budget, and in sole possession of the lead in the race for the Blown Load.  He took that honor away from me, so look for a $35 bid on Kevin Fucking Ogletree on Friday so I can go ahead and re-take the lead and stitch that one up.

7) Here's the chalk talk for Chad... Jennings is a nice 6-foot-1, 228-pound power back who grew up in Forest (between Lynchburg and Bedford) and attended Liberty University.  He's had trouble staying healthy in the NFL, but has outlasted such greats as Deji Karim and Jalen Parmele to emerge as the handcuff to Maurice Jones-Drew.  While Mojo is out, Jennings will likely be the focal point of the Jaguar offense, given that they have that surfer-cut pile of walking dogshit at quarterback.  Since it sounds like MJD's foot injury isn't the deadly and dreaded visit from that whore Liz Frank, I imagine THUNDER BEAR is looking at a 3-5 week run of goodness here, as the Jags face GB, DET, IND, HOU, and TEN in the coming weeks.  I count 2.5 weeks where Jennings might be an impact starter during that time.  Was that worth $47?


LaRod Stephens-Howling -- $17 to Ben
dropped: Haloti Ngata or Cameron Jordan (tuesday drops!) / other bids: $15 to Kendall, $13 to Derrick, $8 to Joe, $4 to Paul, $4 to Nathan

This is what I said two weeks ago, when Rookie claimed LRSH for $11:

Oh man, I love this little guy. Loved him at Pitt, loved what he's done in the pros when he's gotten a chance. I'm not sure if he's the guy for the Cards. If he is, I'm not sure he can withstand the pounding. If he can, I'm not sure it'll matter -- like I said before, Arizona straight SUCKS at running the football. If it does matter, I'm not sure LRSH can hold off Powell, Smith, and possibly Ivory. Add up that uncertainty, and you're looking at a longshot lottery ticket here, in my estimation. For $11, I think that's fine, because the upside is Darren Sproles.

Well, he cleared the Smith and Ivory hurdles, and put up 20 carries for 104 yards and a touchdown against the Vikings' good-to-quite-good run defense.  That, on top of 4 receptions for 45 yards.  It was a cool 20-point day for LaRod.  As the stubborn William Powell owner, I still think that LRSH has - at best - a half of this split backfield, but I'd have my head all the way up my ass if I didn't admit that maybe a small, shifty, explosive, dynamic guy like Stephens-Howling is exactly what the Cards need to have running the ball, given the sad state of affairs along their offensive line.  (No holes?  Just squirt outside.  There's a sex joke in there somewhere, can't believe I let it slip away.)

Sometimes I make bids I know won't win the auction just so I can say I made a bid and gave an effort.  This was one of those times.  Couldn't justify bidding what it'd take to land this guy, as having two Cardinal running backs on your team at the same time is like looking in the mirror and saying "Bloody Mary" three times.  Ben, I wish you the best of luck as you hitch a wagon to this 5-foot-7, 185 pound stallion.

Ryan Broyles -- $12 to Rookie

dropped: Terrell Sucks / other bids: $1 to Derrick, $0 to Kendall

Nate Burleson finally died and opened up a spot for either/neither Titus Young Senior and/or Ryan Broyles.  Not sure what the appeal is here.  It's not like Broyles holds any NCAA receiving records or anything.  Wait, what?  Oh.  Shit.  Anyway, it sounds like Young Sr. will play outside opposite Megatron, with Broyles manning the slot.  If the Lions can pump some life into Fat Face Matt Stafford and figure out the art of the forward pass, maybe this guy Broyles might be worth a damn.  He's a young guy with talent who is about to see his role increase, so I understand the bid.  $12 on a $2 or $3 value, though... that's just showoffy wad-slapping, Rookie.  Go make it rain somewhere else, you pud.

Charles Tillman -- $6 to Alan

dropped: Charles Woodson (tuesday drop!) / other bids: $3 to Ben

Chaz Woodson broke his collarbone.  I thought it was a really mean-spirited move to tuesday drop his ass for that.  But now we know just how cold and heartless the Juris United machine can be.  In any case, Tillman represents a nice upgrade, as he is the 3rd-highest PPG scorer among defensive backs, behind only Cortland Finnegan's three picks and a TD and Antoine Winfield's two picks and a sack to go along with gaudy tackle numbers.  Tillman should have been snatched up, $6 was an appropriate bid, and 12 of the rest of us were caught sleeping here.

Dumpster Diving...

Greg Little, $3 to Russ -- I don't really know or understand what ails the Magic Stick, but I am pretty certain Little is not the cure.  The guy makes catches (read: horrific drops) like he has dicks for fingers.

Cecil Shorts, $3 to Mark -- Two things I like about this one: 1) Ben bid $7 for him, but didn't pick him up because he was out of rooster space after the LRSH claim, and 2) Shorts has been sitting there, literally begging one of us to pick him up, for weeks.  The guy's explosive, and it looks to me like he has a bead on the #1 receiver job in JAX.

DeMarcus Ware, $3 to Chad -- In the words of the immortal Paul Gilbert: ":FARTSOUND:"

Chris Cooley, $2 to Mark -- Cooley somehow managed to escape the glue factory, and has the glory of playing for the NFL minimum (plus a case of Natty Lite) to serve as the Redskins' #3 tight end behind future hall-of-famers Logan Paulsen and Niles Paul.  What Mark did here is what those in the industry call "getting cute."

Leonard Hankerson, $2 to Joe -- The Roo Tang Clan is now just a Josh Morgan away from collecting the entire set of shitty non-Garçon (alt-135) Redskin wide receivers!

Devery Henderson, $1 to Nathan -- Nate just bought a Cinnabon at the airport.  Enjoy the jizzy hot syrup.

Delanie Walker, $0 to Derrick -- Huh?

Brady Quinn, $0 to Joe / John Skelton, $0 to Norris -- Living proof that this league is hellbent on rostering every single starting quarterback in the NFL.  I can't wait to watch you fools fall all over yourselves to pick up that shitbag Alex Smith on Friday.

Shane Vereen, $0 to Paul -- What does Paul have in common with 30 non-Tom Coughlin NFL head coaches?  They are all severely mindfucked by Bill Belichick.  Ridley/Bolden/Vereen.  Ridbolreen.  Paul, if you could Dr. Thoreau that shit, more power to you.  From where I'm sitting, this just looks like the sucking Sarlacc Pit of New England running backs.  (Patrick, he's primed for you to dangle Woodhead in a trade offer!)

Jamie Harper, $0 to Kendall -- Oh, great.  The guy who might end up being the Titans' goal line back.  *sigh*  Well, I know who I'm dropping in the mad scramble to pick up Alex Smith on Friday!

I'm not going to waste my time commenting on the rest of the flotsam and jetsam this week.  If you made a claim that wasn't covered in the above commentary, just know that nobody cares and that it wasn't important.

Remaining Budgets:
Blackpool Penguins -- $72
Kick Azz Giants -- $72
Double-O Daddy -- $66
Barclay Street Bruisers -- $63
Juris United -- $63
Glitterfist Lasersnakes -- $61
Jesus the Moose -- $58
Achilles Heels -- $50
The Magic Stick -- $44
Roo Tang Clan -- $40
The Champeens -- $40
Nth Degree -- $37
Pink Nightmare -- $35
THUNDER BEAR -- $4

Biggest Claims to Date:

Rashad Jennings, $47 to Nathan on 10/24

Alex Green, $32 to Mark on 10/10

Kevin Ogletree, $26 to Kendall on 9/12

Greg Olsen, $21 to Kendall on 9/26

Chaz Schilens, $21 to Kirk on 10/3

Andre Brown, $19 to Russ on 9/19

LaRod Stephens-Howling, $17 to Ben on 10/24

Daniel Thomas, $16 to Rookie on 9/26

Robert Meachem, $15 to Paul on 10/10

Domenik Hixon, $14 to Nathan on 10/3

Jeremy Kerley, $13 to Derrick on 9/12

Daryl Richardson, $13 to Derrick on 9/19

Tashard Choice, $13 to Patrick on 9/26

Ramses Barden, $12 to Russ on 9/26

Brandon Bolden, $12 to Paul on 10/3

Montario Hardesty, $12 to Russ on 10/17

Ryan Broyles, $12 to Rookie on 10/24

Dexter McCluster, $11 to Nathan on 9/12

Brian Hartline, $11 to Rookie on 9/19

Sidney Rice, $11 to Joe on 9/21 (Friday FAAB Rebound!)

LaRod Stephens-Howling, $11 to Rookie on 10/10

Danny Woodhead, $10 to Patrick on 10/10


That's it for this week. But as always, remember...

GOTTA SPEND TO WIN!

Week 7 - Rivalry Week: Promises & Predictions

Before the fun begins, let’s qualify the following predictions with historical sexy math. 

 Last week Ben missed the Joe upset of Kendall, but then we all did (yes even Joe).  Ben wanted the Bear to lose, but fucking Nathan is a Mack truck of power.

He got obvious the Norris win over the Stick, and the elusive first win of the Heels.

I wanted the Alan win but hoped against it.  Got the easy Moose win and somehow Antonio Gates saved me from the Rookie.  

Overall Ben holds steady at 50/50 and I get a small bump to 65%.

Mark, Nathan, and Patrick what we say to you is right 83% of the time. Paul we have no fucking idea what we are doing with your team. Ignore everything we say. And with that....



Nightmare at the Moose: Custody of Trevor
ESPN Gameline:  Kendall 114.5 - Ben 106.7

First off, Custody of Trevor is a fucking awesome game for the first time ever!  This is my game of the week. 

Second, Ben has a better record than Kendall, and is even a fan favorite in this match-up.  Something to be celebrated there Ben.  Don’t know what, but celebrate nonetheless.

Third, how can I sneak in sexy women when everything has a trophy.  That is fucking with me.  



What is fucking with Kendall is “will Garcon play this week?”  The frenchy is Kendall’s one weakness this year.  The frenchy and I have history so I am a hater but Kendall makes me want to believe.  

Eli Manning hosting Washington, the Foster-Green combo, and Wayne hosting the Browns also make me a believer.

Ben has Brees at Tampa Bay.  I see that as huge game for Brees who needs the win, but is it bigger than Eli’s game against the Skins in terms of QB point production? Lynch is playing the 49ers which will limit him.  Megatron is at Chicago.  That’s a tough game too.  Apparently the Rams have good pass offensive because EPSN has a big red flag next to James Jones’s name, but I call bullshit on that because they are the fucking Rams (By the way, this week the Rams play Green Bay, then the Patriots, bye, and then the 49ers. Apparently all of them had homecoming. Good times.)  

Kendall has a hole in his line-up right now.  It’s not a big hole but it's there.  Ben has a tough week all around and it’s hard for me to believe that Dez Bryant is somehow going to lift up the Moose on his mighty bitch slapping back and carry them into the promise land of a guaranteed winning season.  (That’s right, Ben wins this week and he is guaranteed a winning season.  Let that fucking marinade for a bit while you stroke it to this from the tumblr page Pink Mafia.

Kendall by 7 - 12, but I doubt either team breaks 100.



Clan at Daddy: The Solo Cup
ESPN Gameline: Joe 127.4 - Chad 108.8

First off the Solo Cup Trophy picture needs to be upgraded.  This is big game every year, and there should be a little more grandeur.

This year is a historic match.  Joe has never beaten Chad in the Solo Cup.  5 fucking years.  That’s 3 Sellers children!  3 children that have never seen their father hoist up the mighty plastic cup of warm beer and say, “This one is for you kids.”  And Chad’s team has sucked for as long as Vietnamese whore, so there is some unnatural Bedford County sister-cousin 3am basement sex black magic shit happening here.

The top 3rd of the Clan is solid.  Andy Dalton will do about average (17+), Percy Harvin will do a Harvin average (15+), and McFadden will break new records when he rushes against the Jags.  Bottom 3rd is awesome.  I really like Cortland Finnegan and Patrick Willis.  Blair Walsh is apparently something (didn’t know).  

The problem is the middle third.  Santana Moss maybe gets 7 against the Giants.  There is a lot of press for Moss this week and during the game last week, but I think Pierre Garcon plays.  I think Garcon needs to play.  Coby Fleener (edited) getting more than 5, even against the Browns, is a pipe dream.  And Matt Forte...I don’t know....my gut likes 13pts.

Chad has a lot of talent and most of it is on the bench.  Matt Ryan, Eric Decker, DeMarco Murray are waiting the wings due to injury and bye weeks.  

But there are a lot of sweet ass matchups this week for Chad.  Felix Jones at Carolina, Vincent Jackson has the Saints, Colston on the other side has the Bucs, Gronk at the Jets.

Side note to Chad: (I don’t think that you are being savvy with your IDP picks.  You bench a kicker on a bye week, but then you roll plain jane defensive players.  I challenge you to spark some magic there.)

I haven’t predicted a Joe match-up since week 3 and when I did I missed both times.    However I am 100% when predicting Chad.  

With that in mind, I am rolling with the match-ups and the mystic magic that surrounds the game and going with Chad for the 6th straight year.



Bear at Degree: The Sandford Showdown
ESPN Gameline: Nathan 115.7 - Rookie 105

Rookie, what the fuck are you doing?  You know Heath Miller, Antonio Brown, Rashard Mendenhall and Ben Roethlisberger are all on your team right?  You are basically going all in on the Steelers scoring 70+ points on the Bengals this week.  Of all the teams, yes, maybe the Bengals but still.  How do you lay your giant head down on your huge pillow and soundly sleep knowing that you somehow Mike Tomlin has to carry your lack of diversification.  He’s only one man!  

And what of Mike Wallace.  Damn it Mike Wallace must score for the Heels!

Nathan you are amazing and your team is simply a reflection of your brilliance.  I think Russ is a hater putting you at #4 in the power poll so don’t listen.  You have a lovely pile of RBs, WRs, and even a serviceable TE in a pitch. And all of them are on your bench waiting for when one of your starts gets a little winded. Enjoy your spoils this week with a never ending roman style cascade of women, feeding you fruit all basking in your magnificence.

Nathan kicks his brother’s ass.


Champeens at the Bruisers: Excuse for Lesbians
ESPN Gameline:  Mark - 96.5 - Paul 117.5

This is only match without a trophy and thus an excuse for lesbian. Make that your fucking trophy. I could see this picture and few more times (Edited). Just saying.

Michael Vick and WIllis McGahee are on bye so Mark is rolling with a mixed bag of tricks this week, and most of them are questionable in their status.  Mark is stuck in a bad situation, so bad in fact that Hasselbeck (edited) has been invited to the party.  Hasselbeck (edited) is not on the roster yet, but I see the bald man storm clouds forming. If Mario Manningham would start producing it would take some of the pressure off of Mark.  Mark is really just that one solid player (and an IDP makeover) from being legit but unfortunately for Mark that is not going to happen this week.

Paul is in a much better position and only needs Torrey Smith to be a little bit better to be a true threat.  Stevan Ridley still hasn’t sold me on the Patriots run game.  I keep waiting for the floor to drop out on this guy, but this week they are at the Jets, so despite my irrational gut, my head says 18+. (Edited)

Paul will coast this week. And despite ESPN’s thoughts, I just don’t see Mark going over 80.   

Paul rolls to 5-2.