Ben's Week 7 Predictions

Damn, Kirk is really showing me up here.  He has a recurring format, theme, and uses the blog.  Well, I am taking baby steps and will do at least one of those.  Oh and I won't use some perplexing pen name.  Here’s to the blogosphere!

Juris United (0-7) vs. Thunder BEAR (6-1)

ESPN line: Alan -7.3!!!

Is that line correct?  The lowly United favored over #1 seed Bear?  Just shows the parity and possibilities of the league.  Or the severe inaccuracy of the ESPN analysts.

For me, the new Bear logo is enough to convince me of a win, but I am sure all you Juris fans need some convincing.  Juris fans?  Hello?  Anyone?  Well, so it’s a small market.

I’m not saying that Alan’s team is lacking talent.  Matthews finally looks like everything he was cracked up to be.  And Demaryius (does the y-I together actually make a single long e sound or e-e or the actual yee it looks like?) and Dwayne seem to be breaking out…occasionally.  Too bad MJD is injured and Jessica Simpson seems to have cut off Romo’s balls in their breakup last year.  Or was that the year before?  My Us Weekly subscription expired, so you’ll have to excuse me.

Nathan continues his dream season after a close loss to the Rookie.  Ouch, that has to piss you off.  Undefeated, except for against little brother.  If it’s any consolation, at least you don’t have a little sister in the league.  I expect a return to glory for TBear.  Can’t wait to play you, Nate.  Oh, and $47 doesn’t buy a starting spot, huh?

Bear 109, Juris 99

Champeens (2-5) vs. Achilles Heels (2-5)

ESPN line: Heels – 38.8

Admit it, the Heels either scare the shit out of you or make you jealous.  We all had our little fake sympathy for Kirk as his bad luck streak extended to 0-5, but we all secretly loved seeing such talent result in no returns.  Well, suck on his Phoenix bird, because the Heels are starting to roll and we all better take notice or pray for another Purple Jesus injury (not really, I don’t wish injury on anyone).

Meanwhile, the ‘Peens continue to limp along with injuries and underachievement in spades.  Hakeem Nicks is back in the lineup though, so there will be at least one bright, optimistic spot for Mark this week.  Unfortunately, all around that ray of sunshine is a storm of epic proportions.  Enjoy the eye of the hurricane, Mark, because Kirk is about to blow your fucking house down.

Heels 128, Peens 94

Forgot we already compared Kirk’s team to a hurricane.

Nth Degree (3-4) vs. Double O-Daddy (4-3)
ESPN line: Nth – 11.8

Perhaps I should rephrase this as Daddy versus the Steelers?  At least only three terrible towels will be starting for the Rookie, but man that is still some serious stock in one team (says the guy with three Lions starting for 6 weeks). 

To be fair, the Steelers have been showing decent returns, but Nth’s real power is named Victor Cruz.  Rook has to hope that Hakeem Nick’s return doesn’t hurt his stud’s production.  My bet Cruz still shows off his massive, salsa-dancing shlong despite the shared looks.  The guy is amazing.

Chad has traded his way into contention.  Turner, Colston and Gronk have all been sweet deals.  Meanwhile, VJax has upper-decked three straight secondaries on his way to the “elite” conversation.

Of course, it’s Friday and I am late, so VJax didn’t pinch off quite the stink load on the Vikes last night.  He gave that honor to the Muscle Hamster.  Not to worry, Chad has plenty of fire power left to close this thing out.

Nth gets shut down despite the raging boner that is Victor Cruz.

Daddy 97, Nth 95

Glitterfist Lasersnakes (3-4) vs. Roo Tang Clan (3-4)

ESPN line: RTC -7.4

Patrick gets the patience award for picking up Manning last year and sitting on him through the keeper period.  Good for you Patty, Manning has returned to glory, just in time for you to bench the black hole that was once Matt Stafford. 

That is where the serpents have to hope to create a gap, because all the other spots seem like a win for Poon...er Roo Tang.

I can't see Sproles, Rice, or Witten outscoring Run DMC, Roddy White, or Jimmy Graham.  Austin and DJax might match the output of Harvin and McGahee, but unless Peyton Manning blows up, Joe is going to make it to .500.

Gotta give the edge to the RTC

102-93 Roo

Still needed to post this pic though:

If this works, I will kick myself, as it was way easier than the ESPN board.  And it has spell check, so Kirk has no more excuses.