Week 7 - Rivalry Week: Promises & Predictions

Before the fun begins, let’s qualify the following predictions with historical sexy math. 

 Last week Ben missed the Joe upset of Kendall, but then we all did (yes even Joe).  Ben wanted the Bear to lose, but fucking Nathan is a Mack truck of power.

He got obvious the Norris win over the Stick, and the elusive first win of the Heels.

I wanted the Alan win but hoped against it.  Got the easy Moose win and somehow Antonio Gates saved me from the Rookie.  

Overall Ben holds steady at 50/50 and I get a small bump to 65%.

Mark, Nathan, and Patrick what we say to you is right 83% of the time. Paul we have no fucking idea what we are doing with your team. Ignore everything we say. And with that....



Nightmare at the Moose: Custody of Trevor
ESPN Gameline:  Kendall 114.5 - Ben 106.7

First off, Custody of Trevor is a fucking awesome game for the first time ever!  This is my game of the week. 

Second, Ben has a better record than Kendall, and is even a fan favorite in this match-up.  Something to be celebrated there Ben.  Don’t know what, but celebrate nonetheless.

Third, how can I sneak in sexy women when everything has a trophy.  That is fucking with me.  



What is fucking with Kendall is “will Garcon play this week?”  The frenchy is Kendall’s one weakness this year.  The frenchy and I have history so I am a hater but Kendall makes me want to believe.  

Eli Manning hosting Washington, the Foster-Green combo, and Wayne hosting the Browns also make me a believer.

Ben has Brees at Tampa Bay.  I see that as huge game for Brees who needs the win, but is it bigger than Eli’s game against the Skins in terms of QB point production? Lynch is playing the 49ers which will limit him.  Megatron is at Chicago.  That’s a tough game too.  Apparently the Rams have good pass offensive because EPSN has a big red flag next to James Jones’s name, but I call bullshit on that because they are the fucking Rams (By the way, this week the Rams play Green Bay, then the Patriots, bye, and then the 49ers. Apparently all of them had homecoming. Good times.)  

Kendall has a hole in his line-up right now.  It’s not a big hole but it's there.  Ben has a tough week all around and it’s hard for me to believe that Dez Bryant is somehow going to lift up the Moose on his mighty bitch slapping back and carry them into the promise land of a guaranteed winning season.  (That’s right, Ben wins this week and he is guaranteed a winning season.  Let that fucking marinade for a bit while you stroke it to this from the tumblr page Pink Mafia.

Kendall by 7 - 12, but I doubt either team breaks 100.



Clan at Daddy: The Solo Cup
ESPN Gameline: Joe 127.4 - Chad 108.8

First off the Solo Cup Trophy picture needs to be upgraded.  This is big game every year, and there should be a little more grandeur.

This year is a historic match.  Joe has never beaten Chad in the Solo Cup.  5 fucking years.  That’s 3 Sellers children!  3 children that have never seen their father hoist up the mighty plastic cup of warm beer and say, “This one is for you kids.”  And Chad’s team has sucked for as long as Vietnamese whore, so there is some unnatural Bedford County sister-cousin 3am basement sex black magic shit happening here.

The top 3rd of the Clan is solid.  Andy Dalton will do about average (17+), Percy Harvin will do a Harvin average (15+), and McFadden will break new records when he rushes against the Jags.  Bottom 3rd is awesome.  I really like Cortland Finnegan and Patrick Willis.  Blair Walsh is apparently something (didn’t know).  

The problem is the middle third.  Santana Moss maybe gets 7 against the Giants.  There is a lot of press for Moss this week and during the game last week, but I think Pierre Garcon plays.  I think Garcon needs to play.  Coby Fleener (edited) getting more than 5, even against the Browns, is a pipe dream.  And Matt Forte...I don’t know....my gut likes 13pts.

Chad has a lot of talent and most of it is on the bench.  Matt Ryan, Eric Decker, DeMarco Murray are waiting the wings due to injury and bye weeks.  

But there are a lot of sweet ass matchups this week for Chad.  Felix Jones at Carolina, Vincent Jackson has the Saints, Colston on the other side has the Bucs, Gronk at the Jets.

Side note to Chad: (I don’t think that you are being savvy with your IDP picks.  You bench a kicker on a bye week, but then you roll plain jane defensive players.  I challenge you to spark some magic there.)

I haven’t predicted a Joe match-up since week 3 and when I did I missed both times.    However I am 100% when predicting Chad.  

With that in mind, I am rolling with the match-ups and the mystic magic that surrounds the game and going with Chad for the 6th straight year.



Bear at Degree: The Sandford Showdown
ESPN Gameline: Nathan 115.7 - Rookie 105

Rookie, what the fuck are you doing?  You know Heath Miller, Antonio Brown, Rashard Mendenhall and Ben Roethlisberger are all on your team right?  You are basically going all in on the Steelers scoring 70+ points on the Bengals this week.  Of all the teams, yes, maybe the Bengals but still.  How do you lay your giant head down on your huge pillow and soundly sleep knowing that you somehow Mike Tomlin has to carry your lack of diversification.  He’s only one man!  

And what of Mike Wallace.  Damn it Mike Wallace must score for the Heels!

Nathan you are amazing and your team is simply a reflection of your brilliance.  I think Russ is a hater putting you at #4 in the power poll so don’t listen.  You have a lovely pile of RBs, WRs, and even a serviceable TE in a pitch. And all of them are on your bench waiting for when one of your starts gets a little winded. Enjoy your spoils this week with a never ending roman style cascade of women, feeding you fruit all basking in your magnificence.

Nathan kicks his brother’s ass.


Champeens at the Bruisers: Excuse for Lesbians
ESPN Gameline:  Mark - 96.5 - Paul 117.5

This is only match without a trophy and thus an excuse for lesbian. Make that your fucking trophy. I could see this picture and few more times (Edited). Just saying.

Michael Vick and WIllis McGahee are on bye so Mark is rolling with a mixed bag of tricks this week, and most of them are questionable in their status.  Mark is stuck in a bad situation, so bad in fact that Hasselbeck (edited) has been invited to the party.  Hasselbeck (edited) is not on the roster yet, but I see the bald man storm clouds forming. If Mario Manningham would start producing it would take some of the pressure off of Mark.  Mark is really just that one solid player (and an IDP makeover) from being legit but unfortunately for Mark that is not going to happen this week.

Paul is in a much better position and only needs Torrey Smith to be a little bit better to be a true threat.  Stevan Ridley still hasn’t sold me on the Patriots run game.  I keep waiting for the floor to drop out on this guy, but this week they are at the Jets, so despite my irrational gut, my head says 18+. (Edited)

Paul will coast this week. And despite ESPN’s thoughts, I just don’t see Mark going over 80.   

Paul rolls to 5-2.