Wednesday FAABnalysis -- 10/17/12

Reminder: Play the above video and let the sounds wash over you as you read my genius.

Not really a big day of FAAB action today.  With Russ raising the bar to astronomical levels, I really have to improve my game in order to leg this broke-bat blooper out into an inside-the-park home run.  I'm fat, scared, and lazy.  But I'll run.  Chugging around first...

Wow, rough waiver wire this season, eh?  How has that Kevin Ogletree thing worked out for me?  About like the Chaz Schilens, Andre Brown, Tashard Choice, and Ramses Barden things worked out?  Yep.  This year the waiver wire is rougher than Madonna’s landing strip during her peak slut-years.  I'm scratching my balls just thinking about it.  Whoops, just accidentally started masturbating there for a second.

Well, let me go ahead and finish...

Alfred Morris, my sticky soggy wet crotch is for you.  Damn near picked you up the same day Nathan did -- Sunday, August 26th.  Instead, I opted for the venerable Bernard Scott, he of epic mediocrity and fragility.  *sigh*  Credit to Nathan for the best $1 bid of the season.

Anyway, back to today's so-underwhelming-it's-overwhelming FAAB auction:  11 cash claims for a whopping total of $38.  That's $3.45 per claim for everyone who is math-stupid or calculatorally-challenged.   Like I said, not a big week.  And frankly, if I were one of you still sitting on a big wad of foldin' papers, I'd be wondering what in God's good name I'd eventually be spending that walkin'round money on.  Barry Sanders ain't coming out of retirement, y'all.  No matter how bad the Lions need a running back (sez the guy who happily rosters Joique Bell.)

Heading into today's auction, I wondered if we'd have anything go above the "Dumpser Diving" section of shit that cost five bucks or less.  Thankfully, we had a few suckers...

Montario Hardesty -- $12 to Russ

dropped: Phillip Tanner / other bids: $4 to Derrick

Now, we are down to three pending redshirts.  And for what?  Montario Fucking Hardesty.  He's the Cleveland version of Bernard Scott -- all shit, no wiggle, glass vagina, staph infections spewing out of his cunny-hole like rabbits out of the hat of the best fucking magician you have ever seen.  Russ, you know Montario Hardesty sucks.  I appreciate the move to grab your handcuff for Trent Richardson, given T-Rich's sore trunk.  But have some fucking dignity and make the move for Silent-G, Chris Ogbonnaya.  C'mon man, it's Civil War week!  I'll go ahead and blame the fact that you sunk too much time into the POWER POLL to be able to make competent FAAB bids, and give you a pass.  (I know how it is, as the apprehension about writing FAABnalysis caused me to fuck up my bids for Ogletree and Greg Olsen.  We suffer for our craft.  You and I, we're not so different, you know?)  Anyway, shitty bid, and you know that I know and now everybody knows that you vastly overpaid for a crummy player.  It's okay.  You still have $49 left to land the next Andre Brown and let him ride your bench during his only good game of the season.

I can't even find a picture of this fucking bozo, so we'll just move forward without one...

Haloti Ngata -- $7 to Ben

dropped: Marcedes Lewis / other bids: $0 to Pink Nightmare

Well, congratulations Ben.  You out-bid me and won this action.  Don't have much more to say, other than I was ready to talk about the Ngata ("Naga, Naga, Nagonna work here anymore") claim in the "Dumpster Diving" section, but you shat on that plan by making him the second-highest paid free agent of the week.  I hope the four tackles he gives you before you drop him for John Abraham next week was worth it.  But this is kinda what I was talking about, above: Mid-season, the options turn shitty, and those of us with big piles of money sitting around are going to cause bidding inflation to stupid levels.  Nice job, Ben.  You just single-handedly ear-fucked the entire CKL economy.  That was very Bush / Obama of you.  [Insert scathing, polarizing political commentary here.]

Russell Wilson -- $6 to Paul

dropped: Matt Flynn / other bids: $6 to Nathan

Nice game against the Patriots, and the reports that the Seachickens are "opening up" their passing offense are definitely encouraging.  But here's a fast fact: Russell Wilson is 5-foot-9, and I *officially* shit bigger than him, if you stack the peanuts end-to-end.  Wilson could be good, he hasn't been so far, but FAAB ain't nothing if you can't make a wish on a smurfette-like rookie quarterback then jerk off to fantasies of uncorked Flutiebombs to Sidney Rice, surgical strikes to Golden Tate, and quick-hitters to Doug Baldwin.  Personally?  I cut Golden Tate a few weeks ago, and I've been feeling a lot better about myself, not trying to perpetuate delusion about the Seattle passing game.  I mean, come on.  All of Wilson's completions have been jump-passes.  He's like Spud Webb at the slam dunk contest, BUT THERE ARE DEFENSIVE PLAYERS TRYING TO KILL HIM.  Just like that episode of Webster when Webster got kidnapped.  Eventually, some big, mean-spirited defensive end is going to kidnap the Seahawks' Webster.  Anyway, it all sucks, and unless quarterbacks start getting points for handoffs (and who knows what's possible, right ESPN?), then I fear Russell Wilson will prove to be kewpie-doll cute on your bench yet largely worthless for your team.  But bonus points for being generous like Ma'am and George.

Dumpster Diving...

Jacoby Jones, $3 to Russ -- Adios, Ramses Barden.  We hardly knew ye.

Curtis Lofton, $3 to Mark -- Mr. I Hate IDPs landed a good one, and out-bid four competitors with the perfect amount for the claim.  This was the most hotly-contested claim of week 7, if that tells you anything.

Santana Moss, $1 to Joe -- Joe, you just bought a Cinnabon at the airport.

Matt Hasselbeck, $0 to Mark -- I list it here because it means the redshirt on Ryan Tannehill is burned, and we're down to just two pending redshirts - Ben's Kevin Kolb and Chad's Chris Givens.  Norris might be right, maybe we should take a look at giving the redshirt system a bit more juice.

Justin Smith, $0 to Kendall -- Damn it.  Fuck me.  *sigh*  Welcome home, Budweiser.  I still fucking hate you.  Time for me to invent the Thursday drop?

Brandon Myers, $0 to Kendall -- I just think it's funny that I now have FOUR (!) tight ends on my rooster.

Cedric Peerman, $0 to Nathan -- This was a really good claim for Nathan.  The Bungles are kind of shuffling the deck at running back, and Ced has paid his dues as a special teams ace.  I think he's a really good fit with Jay Gruden's WCO.  Plus, I just really, really, really want to see the Rev succeed in Cincy.

The rest were IDPs and kickers, nothing press-stopping.  The Giraffe (Michael Johnson) goes to Mark, and I love how much IDP play he's getting in the CKL this season.  I'm pretty happy to have landed Garrett Hartley -- lots of kicking inside a dome coming up.  Chandler Jones is a guy I really coveted, so fuck you Rookie.  London Fletcher was a really, really good add for Nathan.  And the cosmic breath drags lazily through the cosmic throat but our existence could get choked at any time...

Patrick, Norris, and Kirk decided to sit this auction session out.  Can't say I blame them.  This was a SHITTY haul to be bidding on.  Like the Storage Wars guys just popped open a unit with a rotten corpse inside it.  Everything stinks, and now you're stuck dealing with the cops for however long.  Fuck!  Ain't nobody got time for that.

Remaining Budgets:
Jesus the Moose -- $76
Blackpool Penguins -- $75
Juris United -- $73
Kick Azz Giants -- $72
Double-O Daddy -- $69
Barclay Street Bruisers -- $63
Glitterfist Lasersnakes -- $61
Achilles Heels -- $52
THUNDER BEAR -- $52
The Magic Stick -- $49

Nth Degree -- $49

The Champeens -- $47
Roo Tang Clan -- $42
Pink Nightmare -- $35

Biggest Claims to Date:

#1 - Alex Green, $32 to Mark on 10/10

#2 - Kevin Ogletree, $26 to Kendall on 9/12

#3 - Greg Olsen, $21 to Kendall on 9/26

#3 - Chaz Schilens, $21 to Kirk on 10/3

#5 - Andre Brown, $19 to Russ on 9/19

#6 - Daniel Thomas, $16 to Rookie on 9/26

#7 - Robert Meachem, $15 to Paul on 10/10

#8 - Domenik Hixon, $14 to Nathan on 10/3

#9 - Jeremy Kerley, $13 to Derrick on 9/12

#9 - Daryl Richardson, $13 to Derrick on 9/19

#9 - Tashard Choice, $13 to Patrick on 9/26

#12 - Ramses Barden, $12 to Russ on 9/26

#12 - Brandon Bolden, $12 to Paul on 10/3

#12 - Montario Hardesty, $12 to Russ on 10/17

#15 - Dexter McCluster, $11 to Nathan on 9/12

#15 - Brian Hartline, $11 to Rookie on 9/19

#15 - Sidney Rice, $11 to Joe on 9/21 (Friday FAAB Rebound!)

#15 - LaRod Stephens-Howling, $11 to Rookie on 10/10

#19 - Danny Woodhead, $10 to Patrick on 10/10


That's it for this week. But as always, remember...

GOTTA SPEND TO WIN!