1. Jesus the Moose (6-0) PF: 648 PA:487 W6
Moose-A-Moose is fapping all over the league right now, with enviable top-end talent at each position. Seriously, who wants to face a triumvirate of Beast Mode, Breezy, and Megatron come playoffs. Yep, I said. This bitch is going to the playoffs. Ben is like the fat high school chick who not only lost weight, but put in some D cups. Damn, the fact that you were such an ugly slug before makes you even hotter now! JTM has real chance to make some noise now. Will he impress the pundits by dropping a load on Pinky’s tramp stamp this weekend?
NFL QB: RGIII
TRENDING: In awesome, uncharted territory like the new Mars rover.
Moose-A-Moose is fapping all over the league right now, with enviable top-end talent at each position. Seriously, who wants to face a triumvirate of Beast Mode, Breezy, and Megatron come playoffs. Yep, I said. This bitch is going to the playoffs. Ben is like the fat high school chick who not only lost weight, but put in some D cups. Damn, the fact that you were such an ugly slug before makes you even hotter now! JTM has real chance to make some noise now. Will he impress the pundits by dropping a load on Pinky’s tramp stamp this weekend?
NFL QB: RGIII
TRENDING: In awesome, uncharted territory like the new Mars rover.
2. Pink Nightmare (5-1) PF: 596 PA:460 L1
When the shit is the last time Pinko lost? Who knows. Of course, Joey would be the one to do it. But, even though the Nightmare remains the terror of your dreams, is he starting to lose sleep over the HOUTEX running game’s impact on his championship hopes? We’ll know if you all start to see some offers for Arian/Ben in your inboxes this or next week. Don’t bite, bitches! HATE HATE HATE.
NFL QB: Drew Brees
TRENDING: Like the Germans before the siege at Stalingrad
When the shit is the last time Pinko lost? Who knows. Of course, Joey would be the one to do it. But, even though the Nightmare remains the terror of your dreams, is he starting to lose sleep over the HOUTEX running game’s impact on his championship hopes? We’ll know if you all start to see some offers for Arian/Ben in your inboxes this or next week. Don’t bite, bitches! HATE HATE HATE.
NFL QB: Drew Brees
TRENDING: Like the Germans before the siege at Stalingrad
3.Blackpool Penguins (5-1) PF: 626 PA: 555 W2
You down with BPP? Is this an expansion team? He’s got youthful, dynamic skill players and a steady Eddy at QB. If he stays healthy, the Penguin-man will be a force in the playoffs. For REELZ, yo. Norris took care of business last week, beating back a stiff TMS thrust. I’m going to let that one marinate for you fools, shudder.
NFL QB: Andy Dalton
TRENDING: At Base Camp, ready to ascend K2
You down with BPP? Is this an expansion team? He’s got youthful, dynamic skill players and a steady Eddy at QB. If he stays healthy, the Penguin-man will be a force in the playoffs. For REELZ, yo. Norris took care of business last week, beating back a stiff TMS thrust. I’m going to let that one marinate for you fools, shudder.
NFL QB: Andy Dalton
TRENDING: At Base Camp, ready to ascend K2
4. THUNDER BEAR (6-0) PF: 327.5 PA: 266.6 W6
Too low? NOPE. This is science, bitches. THUNDY is beasting folks, and still dialed in. He dodged a bullet with RG3 Concussion Scare I. And there is a lot mental instability in that WR corps. Nathan, do you interview these guys? I think you need to give them the Jeff Ireland treatment…(remember the Dolphins GM asked Dez Bryant if his mom was a whore). That said, your sabr>my gut. Keep on keepin on, playa.
NFL QB: Peyton Manning
TRENDING: Balling up his fist, ready to kick Russ’ ass.
5. Barclay Street Bruisers (4-2) PF: 639 PA: 566 W2
BSB is emerging, like Marlo on the corner. Quiet, calculating, dangerous. And he’s got the young gun, Michael (Luck), at the point, cleaning up his messes and taking out rivals. But looks like he’ll need that NE running game to give him something, or he looks like a potential early exit in the ‘offs. Whatcha gonna do, bud? Add some sizzle to the bacon, and no one will want a piece of you in December.
NFL QB: Joe Flacco
TRENDING: Brewing like El Nino in the Pacific.
6. Roo Tang Clan (3-3) PF: 561 PA: 594 W1
Too low? NOPE. This is science, bitches. THUNDY is beasting folks, and still dialed in. He dodged a bullet with RG3 Concussion Scare I. And there is a lot mental instability in that WR corps. Nathan, do you interview these guys? I think you need to give them the Jeff Ireland treatment…(remember the Dolphins GM asked Dez Bryant if his mom was a whore). That said, your sabr>my gut. Keep on keepin on, playa.
NFL QB: Peyton Manning
TRENDING: Balling up his fist, ready to kick Russ’ ass.
5. Barclay Street Bruisers (4-2) PF: 639 PA: 566 W2
BSB is emerging, like Marlo on the corner. Quiet, calculating, dangerous. And he’s got the young gun, Michael (Luck), at the point, cleaning up his messes and taking out rivals. But looks like he’ll need that NE running game to give him something, or he looks like a potential early exit in the ‘offs. Whatcha gonna do, bud? Add some sizzle to the bacon, and no one will want a piece of you in December.
NFL QB: Joe Flacco
TRENDING: Brewing like El Nino in the Pacific.
6. Roo Tang Clan (3-3) PF: 561 PA: 594 W1
This asshole was making trade offers while his wife was spitting out another Sellers (Seller?). Selfish, yes! Do I wanna be that guy? YES! Congrats, by the way. Joe’s team has become the CKL hoe-bag door knob. Every elite player gets a turn. Why do they get a chance? Because he has talent to offer. He’s the only person who can trade away herpes with no long term effects (I’m talking about you, DeMarco Murray!) Will the Red Rifle be enough to fuel a late season surge? Probably not. But the odds are, he won’t be there at the end. Keep it up, Joe, and you may end up with more in season trades than Doc will have in season acquisitions!
NFL QB: Ben Roethlisberger
TRENDING: Hulking up.
7. Double-O Daddy (3-3) PF: 585 PA: 582 L1
In spite of their collective productivity demonstrated over the now-paper-tiger defense that is the Cowboys running attack, I have little faith in Felix and DeMarco. I have acquired, relied, and cried over those bitches. Now I laugh, because surely Odin and Oscar are watching daddy scratching his crotch. Bad news for you, boys. Daddy’s got herpes, and the Cowboys are the donor. Or maybe it was Gronk. Maybe Matty “Ice” will be the relief you need. Good luck, bro. I hear it never goes away. TMS still has the scars to prove it.
NFL QB: Matt Schaub
TRENDING: All over the place, like a white person doing “The Wobble” at a wedding
T8 (2-4) Nth Degree (545-598 W1), Glitterfist Lasersnakes (528-617 L2), Kick Azz Giants (520-584 L1)
What a hot mess here...All of these teams have fatal flaws that hide sparks of potential, like the following stereotypical HS outcasts: Rookie is the book worm chick with the uptight parents who won’t let her go to the sock hop, less she get that rock and roll fever. GFLS is the new girl who can’t speak “Ingalich” very well, and is wearing hand-me-downs from her fatter older sister. Doc is like the chick with huge knockers and an ass and a half, but with stinky breath and needs a perm. Which one would you bang first? Who the fuck knows…but there would definitely be some booze involved, and you would NOT tell your bros for a LONG time.
TRENDING: Like wildlife trapped in an oil spill
Rookie NFL QB: Alex Smith
Doc NFL QB: Ryan Fitzpatrick
Patrick NFL QB: Brandon Weeden
(Hard one!)
11. Vageens (2-4) PF: 274.5 PA: 309.4 L3
How sour was Mark after watching the Pack put up 42, and see ZERO scores from Green. Such is life for the lowest scoring outfit in the CKL. This is reminder to those at the top…there’s only one way to go once you’ve reached the top. One day, you’re toasting the cup, the next day, you’ve got Carson Palmer in your starting lineup. That shit rhymed.
NFL QB: Trent Dilfer (Seriously, that dude won a SB?)
TRENDING: Like Howard Dean after his famous “byaaaaaaah” (Seriously, WTF happened to that dude!)
T12. Achilles Heel and The Flaccid Stick (1-5) PF: 252 PA:291.4 L1
Kirk, your team sucks balls. And so does mine. We got flaws aplenty, and as much bad luck as anyone. One year, the Civil War will matter for both of us, and the rest of the league. Just not this year. The owner of the unlucky 13th slot will inevitably be the loser of this week’s Civil War. Bring your guns, you piece of shit.
TRENDING: On the wrong end of a waterboarding session.
Kirk NFL QB: Mark Sanchez
Russell NFL QB: Tim Tebow
14. Juris United (0-6) PF: 500 PA:670 L6
If you were a fart, you'd be a shart. If you were a car, you’d be a Yugo. If you were a chick, you’d be MaDea. If you were a country, you’d be Cambodia. If you were a food, you’d be a rotting banana. If you were a disease, you’d be polio (neutralized, get it?). If you were a law, you’d be declared unconstitutional. If you were a fork, you’d have one tine. If you were a grenade, you wouldn’t explode. You’ve hit rock bottom, though. Don’t worry, I’ll be taking your place in a couple of weeks! I’ll let you write my commentary if that’s so.
NFL QB: Sage Rosenfels
TRENDING: Trying to commit suicide in the car, but the battery’s dead (see Mad Men)
NFL QB: Ben Roethlisberger
TRENDING: Hulking up.
7. Double-O Daddy (3-3) PF: 585 PA: 582 L1
In spite of their collective productivity demonstrated over the now-paper-tiger defense that is the Cowboys running attack, I have little faith in Felix and DeMarco. I have acquired, relied, and cried over those bitches. Now I laugh, because surely Odin and Oscar are watching daddy scratching his crotch. Bad news for you, boys. Daddy’s got herpes, and the Cowboys are the donor. Or maybe it was Gronk. Maybe Matty “Ice” will be the relief you need. Good luck, bro. I hear it never goes away. TMS still has the scars to prove it.
NFL QB: Matt Schaub
TRENDING: All over the place, like a white person doing “The Wobble” at a wedding
T8 (2-4) Nth Degree (545-598 W1), Glitterfist Lasersnakes (528-617 L2), Kick Azz Giants (520-584 L1)
What a hot mess here...All of these teams have fatal flaws that hide sparks of potential, like the following stereotypical HS outcasts: Rookie is the book worm chick with the uptight parents who won’t let her go to the sock hop, less she get that rock and roll fever. GFLS is the new girl who can’t speak “Ingalich” very well, and is wearing hand-me-downs from her fatter older sister. Doc is like the chick with huge knockers and an ass and a half, but with stinky breath and needs a perm. Which one would you bang first? Who the fuck knows…but there would definitely be some booze involved, and you would NOT tell your bros for a LONG time.
TRENDING: Like wildlife trapped in an oil spill
Rookie NFL QB: Alex Smith
Doc NFL QB: Ryan Fitzpatrick
Patrick NFL QB: Brandon Weeden
(Hard one!)
11. Vageens (2-4) PF: 274.5 PA: 309.4 L3
How sour was Mark after watching the Pack put up 42, and see ZERO scores from Green. Such is life for the lowest scoring outfit in the CKL. This is reminder to those at the top…there’s only one way to go once you’ve reached the top. One day, you’re toasting the cup, the next day, you’ve got Carson Palmer in your starting lineup. That shit rhymed.
NFL QB: Trent Dilfer (Seriously, that dude won a SB?)
TRENDING: Like Howard Dean after his famous “byaaaaaaah” (Seriously, WTF happened to that dude!)
T12. Achilles Heel and The Flaccid Stick (1-5) PF: 252 PA:291.4 L1
Kirk, your team sucks balls. And so does mine. We got flaws aplenty, and as much bad luck as anyone. One year, the Civil War will matter for both of us, and the rest of the league. Just not this year. The owner of the unlucky 13th slot will inevitably be the loser of this week’s Civil War. Bring your guns, you piece of shit.
TRENDING: On the wrong end of a waterboarding session.
Kirk NFL QB: Mark Sanchez
Russell NFL QB: Tim Tebow
| It's the death of Stonewall Jackson, you idiots.) |
14. Juris United (0-6) PF: 500 PA:670 L6
If you were a fart, you'd be a shart. If you were a car, you’d be a Yugo. If you were a chick, you’d be MaDea. If you were a country, you’d be Cambodia. If you were a food, you’d be a rotting banana. If you were a disease, you’d be polio (neutralized, get it?). If you were a law, you’d be declared unconstitutional. If you were a fork, you’d have one tine. If you were a grenade, you wouldn’t explode. You’ve hit rock bottom, though. Don’t worry, I’ll be taking your place in a couple of weeks! I’ll let you write my commentary if that’s so.
NFL QB: Sage Rosenfels
TRENDING: Trying to commit suicide in the car, but the battery’s dead (see Mad Men)
This is awesome, Russ. You are hilarious.
ReplyDeleteSo good.
ReplyDeleteBest thing ever. Well done, Russ. Your rising tide has raised all boats. (Well, it raised mine, at least.)
ReplyDelete