Wednesday FAABnalysis -- HELLOWEEN!

Yeahbuddy.  This week's FAABnalysis soundtrack is:

I thought about a whole Halloween theme, but it's kinda contrived and played out, so I half-assedly decided against it.  But maybe I'll mention werewolves or something later on.  Maybe a zombie nod.  Vampire reference?  I don't know, we'll see where we go as we go...

Today:

• 33 total claims
• 22 cash claims
• $77 spent
• $3.50 per cash claim

You know what's really fucking spooky?  How expensive IDPs and kickers have suddenly become.  Cans of beef stew at a Brooklyn Trader Joe's, I tell ya.  Anyway, let's pick through the wreckage...

Tim Jennings -- $11 to Ben

dropped: Jackie Battle / other bids: $4 to Chad, $3 to Mark, $3 to Derrick, $2 to Joe

I'm not really sure what to say here.  Not that I'm speechless, because I'm never speechless.  But... what to make of this?  With six INTs, a pick six, and healthy tackle numbers, Jennings is the #2-ranked defensive back, behind only Cortland Finnegan.  But 11 bucks?  Alan spent $6 on Charles Tillman (at the time, the #3-ranked DB) a week ago, so I anticipated a $6-7-8 bid on Jennings, and I guess Ben just decided to go with the $11 bid to beat out anyone trying to plunk down the even $10.  With $58 to spend and taking on water after an ugly 0-2 schneid, I understand Ben wanting an elite playmaker for his DB spot.  So it all checks out here.  The fact that an IDP was our biggest claim speaks to the underwhelming haul of this week when compared to last week's titular motherload.  So Ben went out and got his guy.  That's what we like to see here at FAABnalysis.  Confidence.  Conviction.  Lotions heated up in small hotel bottles on an electric radiator.  Satisfying masturbation, standing up straddling a turbo fan aimed at your balls while you gaze down upon a semi-circle of pornography.  Busting rocks, chugging beers, fucking chicks.  Now the President & CEO just hires a hot secretary to blow him.  This is what FAABnalysis is all about.  Flexing nuts.  Fucking rock and roll.  TIM JENNINGS SONIC BOOM!  Rail of coke off a mirror tray and on to the next claim...

Yeahbuddy.

Derrick Johnson -- $7 to Ben

dropped: Clay Matthews / other bids: $1 to Russ, $1 to Kendall

Welcome to the Ben Show, everyone.  The Moose is on the loose!  One thing I will say here: I think Derrick Johnson is a turdburger and I'm glad to have dodged to indignity of claiming him.  So, thanks Ben.  Also: HELL-BEAST will not be happy to see this insult of being unceremoniously dropped.  Expect his revenge to be swift and complete... and come in the form of crippling Calvin Johnson in week 11.  You have been warned.

Ironhide says hello.

Matt Cassel -- $7 to Norris

dropped: John Skelton / other bids: none

Let this be a lesson to us all.  Carry a backup QB for your starter's bye week, lest you end up being the bozo who has to bid $7 on Matt Cassel.  I'd say more, but Norris already feels bad enough about himself, I don't want to pile on.

Kansas City Chiefs, starring Rodney Dangerfield as
Coach Romeo Crennel and this fucking kid as Matt Cassel.

Wesley Woodyard -- $6 to Alan

dropped: ? (I think Alan just had an empty spot on his bench) / other bids: $0 to Joe, $0 to Kendall

At 9.5 points per game, Woodyard is the 2nd-highest scoring linebacker, behind only Daryl Washington.  Woodyard is doing it with tackles, sacks, and picks, and offers a veritable pu-pu platter of delicious stats.  The kid is tiny for a linebacker, but plays like a ball of butcher knives that has been shot out of a cannon.  I would have loved to have had him, but Alan dropped the bills and earned his services.  (Does FAAB make anyone else feel kind of like a John soliciting a hooker?)

Woodyard love you long time.

Earl Bennett -- $6 to Derrick

dropped: Brandon Myers / other bids: none

:crickets:

Jerrell Freeman -- $6 to Norris

dropped: Jarrett Boykin or Lamarr Houston (tuesday drops!) / other bids: $0 to Joe

In every even-numbered week, Freeman is either on bye or delivers a tackle total in the low teens.  Welcome to week 9, an odd-numbered week...  But yeah, smartassery aside, Freeman's numbers are legit.  Meanwhile, Jarrett Boykin was rostered?!?!?!??  You Virginia Tech fans can really be pathetic sometimes, you know?

Justin Tucker -- $6 to Norris

dropped: Jarrett Boykin or Lamarr Houston (tuesday drops!) / other bids: $0 to Patrick, $0 to Kendall

Tucker joins his fourth CKL team of the season.  He's a whore of a kicker who lures you in with a sexy double-digit outing, then kicks you in the noots with a pair of PATs to give you a 2-point week once you pick him up and start him.  I've decided that he's evil and mean-spirited, and that I don't ever want him on my team again, no matter how much he looks like Paul.

See?

Alshon Jeffery -- $5 to Paul

dropped: Robert Meachem / other bids: none

Sorry Paul, but you really fucked up here.  Not by picking up Jeffery - that was fine.  But missing your chance to Tuesday Drop that pile of feces Robert Meachem?  Major fucking mistake, mi amigo.  That hurt your chances for CKL Coach of the Year in my eyes.

Robert Meachem

Dumpster Diving...

Geno Atkins, $3 to Kirk -- Screw you, Kirky.  It's Friend Ship week, so I'll let this slide.  But please know that it cut me like a knife.  YOU STABBED ME IN THE BACK!  Now pass the Friendsmilk, I need to take a chug.

Alex Smith, $3 to Joe -- Joe's like the rich guy who finds it fashionable to shop at the Goodwill store.  You wily wannabe hipster, you.

Dexter McCluster, $2 to Russ -- I keep waiting and waiting and waiting for this little egg to hatch into something.  Imagine McCluster playing for the Packers.  Or the Saints.  Or the Patriots.  Or hell, any other team than KC.

Zach Miller, $2 to Chad -- Gronk bye week replacement.  Ho-hum.  But Zach Miller used to be really good, and it seems like he [finally] has a growing role in Seattle.  (Did you see his amazing touchdown catch against the Lions?)

Shane Vereen, $1 to Mark -- A penny stock that just might pop...

Vincent Brown, $1 to Kendall -- Nathan, please know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

David Wilson, $1 to Paul -- David Wilson, how can I hear you talking with my dick in your mouth?

Isaiah Pead, $1 to Norris -- Next level shit, right here.  If Steve Jackson gets traded...

Emmanuel Sanders, $0 to Joe -- The day will eventually arrive when Sanders is a red-hot fantasy commodity.  I feel it in my bones.  But bench space is precious, and the patience to wait this out to its uncertain destiny is not something I (or Joe) possess...

I'm not going to waste time commenting on the rest of the evenflow this week. If you made a claim that wasn't covered in the above commentary, just concoct your own inner narrative and don't bother me with your petty complaints.  Please.  Thank you.


Remaining Budgets:

Kick Azz Giants -- $66
Double-O Daddy -- $64
Glitterfist Lasersnakes -- $61
Juris United -- $57
Barclay Street Bruisers -- $56
Blackpool Penguins -- $49
Achilles Heels -- $47
Jesus the Moose -- $40
The Magic Stick -- $39
The Champeens -- $38
Nth Degree -- $36
Pink Nightmare -- $34
Roo Tang Clan -- $34
THUNDER BEAR -- $4

Biggest Claims to Date:

Rashad Jennings, $47 to Nathan on 10/24

Alex Green, $32 to Mark on 10/10

Kevin Ogletree, $26 to Kendall on 9/12

Greg Olsen, $21 to Kendall on 9/26

Chaz Schilens, $21 to Kirk on 10/3

Andre Brown, $19 to Russ on 9/19

LaRod Stephens-Howling, $17 to Ben on 10/24

Daniel Thomas, $16 to Rookie on 9/26

Robert Meachem, $15 to Paul on 10/10

Domenik Hixon, $14 to Nathan on 10/3

Jeremy Kerley, $13 to Derrick on 9/12

Daryl Richardson, $13 to Derrick on 9/19

Tashard Choice, $13 to Patrick on 9/26

Ramses Barden, $12 to Russ on 9/26

Brandon Bolden, $12 to Paul on 10/3

Montario Hardesty, $12 to Russ on 10/17

Ryan Broyles, $12 to Rookie on 10/24

Dexter McCluster, $11 to Nathan on 9/12

Brian Hartline, $11 to Rookie on 9/19

Sidney Rice, $11 to Joe on 9/21 (Friday FAAB Rebound!)

LaRod Stephens-Howling, $11 to Rookie on 10/10

Tim Jennings, $11 to Ben on 10/31

Danny Woodhead, $10 to Patrick on 10/10


Oh shit, I forgot to mention zombies, werewolves, or vampires.  I guess I'll just leave you with this peaceful video:

That's it for this week. But as always, remember...

GOTTA SPEND TO WIN!