Wednesday FAABnalysis -- 10/29/2014

Here I am, belly full of McRib, ready to write your FAABnalysis after a week's hiatus.

Yeah, that's right, I'm back.

What?  The other thing?

Yeah, McRib.  I kind of celebrate the yearly re-arrival of the McRib by making a point of rolling my fat fucking ass down to the McDonald's and feasting on that shit.  This year, it's $5.48 for the McRib meal... but... if you pay an extra buck... you get a second McRib.

I'll leave it to you to decide if I ate two McRibs or not.

...

...

...


I ATE TWO FUCKING McRIBS.

I ate two fucking McRibs.  And I hate myself.


Here's your fucking soundtrack for today.

Now let's blast through these claims.



Donte Moncrief
Winning Bid: $28 to Paul
Dropped: Johnny Manziel
Losing Bid(s):

• $23 to Rookie
• $22 to Nathan
• $22 to Russ
• $14 to Norris
• $12 to Kendall
• $6 to Ben
• $3 to Mark
• $2 to Joe

FAABnalysis:  How long is Reggie Wayne out?  [Thinks about checking websites, gets lazy, decides against.]  Does it matter?  Moncrief is the bull to play alongside T.Y. Hilton's bear.  This is a good, smart claim.  Meanwhile, how fucking lazy does one have to be in order to arrive at the decision that clicking a few website links is too much effort?  I hate myself.  Anyway, nice strong claim for Paulie.  I don't think Moncrief starts for the Bruisers at any point this season, and he's not a keeper option on such a loaded roster, but sometimes a good defense (cockblocking the other bidders) is the best offense.  I grade Paul's $28 Moncrief claim as...

McKinley Mac
A Big Mac with Quarter Pounder patties, the McKinley Mac will make you feel powerful like the former US President (or maybe full and satisfied was his deal; who knows?). If you're up for a meaty treat, ask your McD server for this special order burger that's almost as majestic as the highest peak in North America (it's Mount McKinley, in case you're playing at home).

DeAngelo Williams
Winning Bid: $13 to Chad
Dropped: Tashaun Gipson (whoever the fuck that is)
Losing Bid(s):

• $2 to Joe
• $0 to Kendall
• $0 to Norris

FAABnalysis:  They say that vampires can't come into your house to suck your blood and rape your children until after they are invited in the door.  Not that that has anything to do with DeAngelo Williams or bidding FAAB money to bring him onto your team.  I just thought it was a cool thing to bring up, in the spirit of Halloween and all.

Land, Sea, and Air
Combine a beef, chicken AND Filet-O-Fish patty between one very strained bun and you've got a burger with dead animals from all walks of life! It sounds like a little bit of overkill, but once you have this animal party happening in your mouth, you're never going to go back to a world where suckers only eat ONE kind of animal at a time.

Andre Williams
Winning Bid: $8 to Derrick
Dropped: Brandon Bolden
Losing Bid(s):

• $6 to Russ
• $1 to Joe

FAABnalysis:  Let the two Giants fans fight over which sub-$10 bid wins this fucking stiff of a rookie running back.  Rashad Jennings goes down, Andre Williams has a golden opportunity... and he piddlefucks his lame ass along at a 3.1 ypc clip.  There's no explosion here, no upside, no heartbeat.

McGangBang
Tracing its origins back to Daytona Beach (of course this monstrosity came from Florida), the McGangBang- as it's colorfully known- is achieved by stuffing a Dollar Menu chicken sandwich into a double cheeseburger. The result is a massive sandwich that costs about $2. Gives new meaning to more bang for your buck.

Andy Dalton
Winning Bid: $7 to Patrick
Dropped: Matt Prater
Losing Bid(s):

• $1 to Joe
• $0 to Ben
• $0 to Kendall
• $0 to Kirk

FAABnalysis:  Mo Sanu is a bonafide stud now, A.J. "Starscream" Green is almost back, and so is Tyler Eifert.  The Red Rifle has his weapons back!  Hey Patrick, let me know if you're interested in making a trade (you fucking shithead).

Mc10:35
The "Mc10:35" brunch sandwich is one of McDonald's most difficult to obtain "secret menu" items. And for good reason! The Mc10:35 is only available during the brief window of opportunity when both the breakfast and regular menu items at McDonald's are available, which is 10:30 - 11:00 at most McDonald's. That's a small window, but it's worth ordering this combo if you happen to be there at the right time. This combo burger & breakfast sandwich combines the best of both menus. Order an Egg McMuffin as well as a McDouble. Next, place the two McDouble patties and cheese straight into the McMuffin and enjoy! How tasty does that sound? So, if you are looking to have the perfect brunch, go get yourself aMc10:35 from the McDonalds secret menu.

Dumpster Diving (claims for $5 or cheaper)...

Heath Miller, $5 to Ben -- Poor Ben is TE-needy, and he went with trying to hit a bloop single instead of swinging for the fences.  Big Money is more like little pocket change these days, but he'll get you five points a week.

Theo Riddick, $5 to Nathan -- I had him queued up #4 behind Moncrief, Eifert, and Dalton, so I'm putting my money (a $0 bid) where my mouth is.  I think Riddick is the new Reggie Bush in the Lions' backfield.  Joique Bell is the bangers, and Riddick's the mash.

Coby Fleener, $3 to Russ -- We need to stop trying to make Coby Fleener happen.  It's not gonna happen.

Michael Vick, $2 to Nathan -- This is how far you've fallen, Nathan.  THIS is how far you've fallen.  Let this be a lesson to all of you --- DRAFT A FUCKING QUARTERBACK.

Ryan Fitzpatrick, $0 to Mark -- Matthew Stafford's on bye.  Nothing to see here, move along.  (Oh, and congratulations to Ben for facing Fitz this week.)

Tyler Eifert, $0 to Kendall -- MWAHAHAHAHA, I HAVE OUTSMARTED YOU ALL!

Kyle Rudolph, $0 to Kendall -- MWAHAHAHAHA, I HAVE OUTSMARTED MYSELF!

Travaris Cadet, $0 to Joe -- I feel like this claim (or one exactly like it) plays out a million times during the course of Joe's fantasy football season.  It's like one of those water-drinking bird gizmos.  Joe picks up young player with niche role, Joe drops young player with niche role, Joe picks up young player with niche role, Joe drops young player with niche role... again and again and again and again.  But that's how you play this crazy game of ours!

Jonathan Stewart, $0 to Norris -- Remember that shit I said earlier about vampires?  Yeah.  Just felt compelled to bring it up again for some reason.

Nathan's Nits - Week 7

A little history before we get to the weekly numbers. The following charts show each franchise's regular season win/loss record over the last five, 10, 25, 50, and 100 games.

Last 5

Last 10

Last 25

Last 50

Last 100

Week 8 Numbers

All Play

Luck

Hotness

Jenna

Predictions from the Corner Office: Week 8 - 3 Ways, Thoughts from the Mayor, JV Girls, Spanking Rooms, Mike Williams and Evans, & Racism

Kirk: This always an awkward conversation so I'm just going to come out with it 9:47 PM

Kirk: I think we should try a threeway 9:47 PM

Kirk: It's not that what we have is not exciting 9:48 PM

Kirk: I am completely for filled by it 9:48 PM

Kirk: But I think it might be exciting to mix it up a bit 9:48 PM

Kirk: YOLO to use parlance of our time 9:49 PM

Ben: Depends on if the third in our minage is dead sexy or not. 9:59 PM

Kirk: I think it's only right, since it's my idea, you get to choose 10:00 PM

Kirk: This has to be our idea 10:01 PM

Ben: Could be hard to get three people active on text at the same time. 10:04 PM

Kirk: That's true 10:04 PM

Kirk: gchat would be the way. 10:05 PM

Kirk: I have the app on my phone. It would something new and someone new 10:05 PM

Ben: Also true. BTW, I fly to Denver on Wednesday, so watch out for zombies. 10:07 PM

Ben: Process of elimination for our third person. 10:08 PM

Kirk: Okay. My first choice is Paul 10:09 PM

Ben: Whose number/gchat do we have? Kendall, Joe, Nate, Rookie, Russ, Paul. 10:09 PM

Kirk: But he has a funny work schedule 10:09 PM

Kirk: I like the Mayor 10:10 PM

Ben: #2 Who doesn't appear regularly on a column? 10:10 PM

Kirk: No one hears from Joe 10:10 PM

Ben: With those two, I land on Rookie, Joe, Paul. 10:11 PM

Kirk: Rookie would be good too 10:11 PM

Kirk: Okay I will make the overture 10:11 PM

Ben: Joe is good for board, text and gchat responses 10:12 PM

Ben: And he is dead sexy. 10:12 PM

Kirk: Oh yes he is. He is Mr Fantastic 10:12 PM

Kirk: Okay I will see if Joe is into it. 10:13 PM

Ben: It will also give me a chance to give him a hard time about swindli 10:13 PM

Ben: ng Garçon and Watkins off of me. 10:13 PM

Kirk: This is the spice that will bring our shit to the next level. 10:14 PM

Ben: Just don't forget about my needs 10:15 PM

Kirk: I never will. You are always in charge. It ends when you say so. 10:16 PM

Ben: Make sure Joe knows our safe words. 10:16 PM

Kirk: "Rookie takes it hard." I'll make sure he knows 10:18 PM

Kirk Gentlemen. We can start this thing. Everyone should be in

Mayor Sellers: Oops, sorry for holding things up.

Kirk Im trying to get Ben on the line This is the hidden side of our relationship

Kirk Thanks for jumping on this.

Ben: Hola amigos!

Kirk There he is Okay gentlemen.  Let's start this thing

Ben: Yo Joe! Thanks for helping out. Just so you know, I have a beast of a meeting stating in about 45 minutes. It goes for 3 hours after that.

Kirk Okay let's try to get to it then

Ben: Might be able to keep chatting under the radar...

Kirk:  Let's start with Nathan and Doc

CHUNDER BEAR (3-4) vs. Kick Azz Giants (3-4)

ESPN Gameline: Doc by 11

Kirk:  Nathan has dropped 3 QBs and is left with Blake Bortles this week Reggie Bush (RB), Jordan Cameron (TE), and the Devil's 3way Brandon Marshall (WR), Mike Wallace (WR), and V-Jax

Ben: Any Jags player is hard to stomach this year.

Kirk:  Doc is Rivers, Shane Vereen (Very Sexy), Gronk, and his own 3way of Steve Smith (WR), DeSean Jackson (WR), and Steve Smith (WR).

Kirk: I think Doc has a goodish team all of a sudden

Ben Bledsoe Goodish against Nate = winner

Kirk:  Yeah I want to offer trades to Nathan but I'm not sure there is anything there Do I want Reggie Bush? Kinda but how much

Ben: I could get behind Wallace or Marshall.

Kirk:  I'll make an offer on Marshall Have either of you worked a deal on Nathan?

Ben Bledsoe Are you proposing trades to everyone again this week?

Mayor Sellers: Hoo me?

Ben: Not this year

Mayor Sellers: I have a standing trade to just about everyone, weekly. I'm gonna be driving in just a couple minutes - my pick for this week is Doc. Poor Nathan is playing varsity teams with. JV squad.

Kirk: Completely agree. I am proposing trades this week

Mayor Sellers: I've been there though. but instead of a JV squad mine was more 7th grade girls.

Kirk: Okay let's look at Chad and Russ

The Champeens (2-5) vs. Double-o Daddy (3-4)

ESPN Gameline: Chad by 5.4

Mayor Sellers: BTW - this was already confusing with 2 in the convo - adding a third might drive one of the readers insane.

Kirk: I got it worked in my head with colors

Kirk: Chad: Tannehill (QB)< Bishop Stankie (RB), Doug Martin (RB), Antonio Brown (WR), Eman Sands (WR), and Owen Daniels.

Kirk: Sorry Mark and Chad

Ben: I don't trust things that "work" in Kirk's head.

Kirk: Mark is Stafford (WB), Forte (RB), Lacy (RB),  Kendall Wright (WR), Julian Edleman (WR), and Dwyane Allen (TE) I don't trust a 21 point projection for a Maimi QB Call me jaded

Kirk: How do both these teams has losing records

Mayor Sellers: Driving now .... Going silent.

Kirk: Okay we'll pick up there later tonight

Ben: Sounds good.

Kirk:Gentlemen.  Do you think I'll get anything for AP

Ben Bledsoe You'd have to give me a HJ to take AP.

Kirk:You have until Friday afternoon

Ben Bledsoe Seriously, I bet you could something from a team with weak keepers.

Mayor Sellers:  Sorry dudes, was in the middle of cleaning out a shower drain and other misc. Mr. Mom chores. AP? Good luck. I might give you my redshirt for him.

Mayor Sellers:  And by redshirt, I mean my sons little red shirt I just folded.

Kirk:Thanks Joe. Ben offered a HJ so...Probably going with that right now

Ben: Man, I just read Mark's post. Nothing has ever defined another coach like that.

Mayor Sellers: Makes sense.

Ben: No, you misunderstood. Re-read that, Kirk. You give me an HJ for me to take AP.

Mayor Sellers: I don't think he misunderstood.

Ben:  Nice!

Kirk:I did not mis understand Come on home Big Ben

Ben: So who do you think got the worst of Mark's hatred?

Kirk:Current no offer by the way It has been 4 hours

Mayor Sellers: Hooever takes on AP should have to be "switched" AP style.

Kirk:In his special spanking room. Which is a real thing He had a special room

Ben: Kirk is getting more and more excited for Spanking his kid

Mayor Sellers: They call that the bedroom where I come from.

Kirk:You don't have AP money SO Chad and Mark I feel like this is a game Chad is born to win

Kirk:Well raised to win He was born to destory

Mayor Sellers: Mark, just got a feeling.

Mayor Sellers: Chads mind is on going undefeated with his real football team.

Kirk:Is that real...good for him

Mayor Sellers: Fo real, his last year coaching football too.

Kirk:Good on both counts. Okay on to Patrick and Russ

Gliterfist Lasersnakes (3-4) vs. The Magic Stick (3-4)

ESPN Gameline: Russ by 6.7

Kirk:Patrick is Alex Smith (QB), Arian Foster (RB), Ronnie Hillman (RB), ANdre Johnson (WR), Dez Bryant (WR), and Antonio Gates (TE)

Kirk: Russ is Joe Flacco (QB0, Marshawn Lynch (RB), LeSean McCoy (RB), Jordy Nelson (WR), and Golden Tate (WR) with Jordan Cameron (TE)

Kirk: I'd like to think that the Chargers got Hillman figured out And that will hurt Patrick

Ben: I go Mark on the previous game and Russ for this one. Too much love remains for Beast Mode.

Mayor Sellers: Texans are hard to trust when they have an old sea captain at QB... I'm going with Russ.

Kirk:I think Russ is quickly becoming one of the elite teams  If he makes it to the playoffs, then the will be top 4

Mayor Sellers: It's a lesson in willingness to trade ... Russ used to never deal.

Kirk:And Russ pushed that deal

Mayor Sellers: Now he's moving product like a pro.

Ben: And he still has Mega hurt on the bench.

Kirk:Yeah wait until he comes on line

Mayor Sellers: What's gonna kill him is roster management when things get tight.

Kirk:How do you mean?

Mayor Sellers: Sitting and starting the right combo.

Kirk:Yeah that was part of the evil in my trade to him of Golden Tate

I want him to have to think it through And on those Sundays I want him to curse me

Mayor Sellers: Hoo'd u get for Tate?

Kirk:Mike Williams

Mayor Sellers: U mean Evans?

Kirk:I do...Corrected

Kirk:I see Keeper potential there and I didn't think anyone would go for Tate on his own knowing that Megatron was in the wings

Kirk:I also thought I was going to lose to Paul and took Mike "I say Williams" Evans

on a bye week

Kirk:Okay Norris and Ben

Blackpool Penguins (5-2) vs. Jesus the Moose (1-6)

ESPN Gameline: Norris by 5.5

Mayor Sellers: Hmmm Roster up

Kirk:Ben 3.0 brings Russell Wilson Please throw the ball Russell Wilson

Jamaal Charles (RB), Charles Clay (TE), and Devil's 3way TY Hilton, Cordarrelle Patterson, and Larry Fitz

Mayor Sellers: Oh Fitz, how I miss u not.

Kirk:Norris is Andrew Luck (QB), DeMarco Murray (RB), Anthony Dixon (RB), Julio JOnes (WR), Mohamed Sanu (WR), and Cody Fleener

Kirk:I was looking at Norris today I don't see that he needs to trade or pick anyone up any more

Mayor Sellers: Honestly, I think Ben takes this one.

Kirk:I think it depends is AJ Green plays

Kirk:Norris has him on the bench That is a 9 point - 20 point potential swin of fortune

Mayor Sellers: Fleener and Dixon will severely underperform. Cordy breaks out this week.

Kirk:Ben I would love to see you win

Ben: I am going to..

Kirk:Yeah I think Dixon was waiver bait Ben I am penciling you in here

Mayor Sellers: Norris needs a TE and some defense, and maybe a more solid flex guy.

Ben: I'm going on a run toward Jenna.

Kirk:The Maths will be problematic.  Okay let's look at this Quilt of You Bitches

The Sexy Badasses (5-2) vs. Voodoo Brown (4-3)

ESPN Gameline: Joe by 3.8

Mayor Sellers: Um

Kirk: Joe brings Cutler (QB), Jerick McKinnon (RB), Alfred MOrris (RB), Sammy Watkins (WR), James Jones (WR) and Jimmy Jam (TE)

Kirk:I bring A Rodgers (QB), Chris Ivory (RB), Mike "Williams" Evans (WR), Keenan Allen (WR), Jemanie Kearse (WR) in my Devil's 3way and Bennett (TE)

Kirk:Joe there are few critical Qs on your team right now

Kirk:You think Jimmy Graham can stop advertising to me in time to play this week

Ben:  Joe - good job suckering me out if Watkins and into Stacey. And then picking up Mason You = smart; me = dumb

Mayor Sellers: Never my intent to do harm, but it sure helped me turn Mason into McKinnon.

Kirk:Getting McKinnon is the key to your team I should have recoginized that earlier I am not that bright

Mayor Sellers:  I live having 3 Redskins on my team - LOVE IT!!!

Ben: I gotta think Joe gets the W here

Mayor Sellers:  If u didn't know this about me, I hate the Redskins.

Kirk:Yeah Joe.  You keep the Quilt once you get the QUilt that is

Ben: Racism is bad Joe.

Kirk:You want to give up the Frenchie let's make a deal

Mayor Sellers: Not this week.

Kirk:I'm go for Morris too I almost worked a trade with you this week

Mayor Sellers: I'm the most redskin of all you people, so I can say it.

Ben: I demand genetic testing

Kirk:So if I call you a redskin is that racist If not then I too demand Genetic Testing

Mayor Sellers: I take no offense, honkey.

Kirk:haha I prefer cracker

Kirk: Okay Paul and Rookie

Properly Plugged Pussies (5-2) vs. Barclay Street Bruisers (5-2)

ESPN Gameline: Rookie by 15.5

Kirk:This is your game of the week

Kirk:Paul (5-2): Palmer (QB), Lamar Miller (RB), Alshon Jeffery (WR), Jeremy Maclin (WR), and Andre Ellington (RB), and Julius Thomas (TE)

Mayor Sellers: Rookie looking strong, but needs a high end TE and some sweet IDP action (hint hint)

Kirk:Rookie is Peyton Manning (QB), LeVeon Bell (RB), Ahmad Bradshaw (RB), Randall Cobb (WR), Kelvin Benjamin (WR), and Scott Chandler (TE)

Kirk: Rookie I have what you need.  Let's make a trade I have an offer outstanding at this moment to fix some of that

Mayor Sellers: If you're reading this Rookie, DO NOT trade one of your 8 RBs to Kirk!

Mayor Sellers: I just took a second glance at Paul's team - Good heavens! No way I pick against the Bruisers.

Ben: I am still rooting for Paul to win this year.

Picking BSB

Mayor Sellers: Paul needs to man up and get a real QB, though.

Kirk:Paul Caron Palmer can not win a cup That is a fact The cup judges him unworthy

Mayor Sellers: That's Paul's only chink in his armor from my POV.

Ben Bledsoe But Palmer been okay in the games he has played, right?

Kirk:That why Paul won last week……..Oh wait

Mayor Sellers: Big Joe gonna have to step away for a while ... Some animals are loose in the zoo.

Ben:  Same here. We are taking care of two extra boys. It is madness. A relaxing way to come home from work.

Kirk:Okay Gentlemen:  Here is the last game for when you return

Kirk:Kendall and Yado

The Hezballers (4-3) vs. Pink Nightmare (3-4)

ESPN Gameline: Kendall by 18.7

Kirk: Kendall is Tom Brady (QB), Giovani Bernard (RB), Joique Bell (RB), Michael Floyd (WR), Torrey Smith (WR), Greg Olsen (TE)

Kirk:Yado: Romo, Zah Ertz (TE), Devil's 3 Way D-Thomas, Terrance Williams, and Percy Harvin.

Kirk:2 Questions

Kirk:1. Does Kendall still have a real chance at winning the cup

Kirk:2. Does Yado at (4-3) have a real chance at the cup

Ben: 1. KH is always a threat, but is a longshot at this point. Gio needs to keep blowing up to keep the dream alive.

Ben: 2. Yado is riding a luck wave (according to the Nits). It has to end sooner or later...right?

Ben: My answers to both are no, not a real chance, but I think still have outside chances.

Ben:  Bledsoe Far outside.

Mayor Sellers:  Kendall wins this one walking away.

Mayor Sellers: Kendall always has a shot, but someone has got to catch fire soon. It'll probably be a combination of Mason and Smith that do it.

Mayor Sellers:  Yado has no shot, unless DT scores all of his points for him. No one, in real life or fantasy will win a championship with Romo at the helm.

Mayor Sellers: BTW - While I was writing all of this, Allen was blowing up on TNF ...I told you he would Krik