Turns out, I have two dimes, a nickel, and three pennies in my pocket. So here's $0.02 for each of your teams in the form of completely unsolicited advice...
Barclay Street Bruisers
As much as I love the Red Rifle and am feeling - really FEELING - this Eli Manning renaissance, I think the Brooze really needs to find a quarterback. This could be a Cup contending roster with the right passer at the helm.
Blackpool Penguins
No Lance Dunbar, no Joseph Randle. Norris, what you're doing right now is akin to fucking a Richard's Rendevous stripper without wearing a rubber. I know you're enjoying an embarrassment of riches right now, but you're one of DeMarco Murray's all-too-frequent injuries away from disaster. Feels good right now, while you're putting it in, but those week 12 crabs are going to bite your nuts pretty hard.
The Champeens
The milquetoast possession receiver draft plan worked, but what's letting the Peens down is suppressed production from Forte and Lacy. Those two guys will likely come around eventually... but by then it might be too late, since the Peens are 1-3 and swirling. Mark, you might need to think about trading one of those guys (most likely, Forte) to acquire player(s) who are scoring points right now. Can't win the Cup if you don't make the playoffs.
Double-O Daddy
To me, your QB, RB2, and WR2 positions are unenviable. Not sure what you can really do about that, but it might be time to consider some quantity-for-quality trading. Of course, you're probably just planning to continue riding the Delanie Walker gravy train (with biscuit wheels!) and working an IDP smokeshow like the wizard you deep down believe yourself to be.
Glitterfist Lasersnakes
Tom Brady felt like a steal on draft day, but he's straight killing you, breh. Time to weaponize Joique Bell or those Browns running backs and make a move for a QB. But then again, you already knew that, didn't you? Okay, here's some next-level shit: Trade Dez Bryant for a parcel of parts, and cobble together a better starting lineup.
The Hezballers
Your top three keeper options are wide receivers (unless you value Ertz over Harvin, which you shouldn't). It's time to move Demaryius Thomas / Percy Harvin plus S-Jax / Spiller for a running back with long-term upside.
Jesus the Moose
An 0-4 start necessitates a shift in philosophy. Ben should either decide to SHIT or GET OFF THE POT. Shit: Trade Watkins, Quick, and Stills, and get older. Get off the pot: Trade Brees, Lynch, and Witten, and get younger. Status quo ain't the way to go, bro. You know? Tally-ho!
Kick Azz Giants
Trade Steve Smith Sr. as fast as you fucking can! Look at the slow-starting contenders, and shift into aggressive deal-making mode. I know you've got it in you, Derrick. Show us!
The Magic Stick
Man, I love your team, you just need Shady to get it going. The 1-3 start is scary, but you need to see if the next two weeks deliver you to 3-3 before you do anything hasty. The Shady / Jammy-C pairing should make you CKL Cup tough... but it hasn't panned out. Just stay the course, Russ! It'll come together! So my advice is to be patient, very un-Kendall advice.
Pink Nightmare
Stop sucking.
Sex Panther
A 7-pound, 8-ounce atomic bomb is about to be dropped onto your life, so my advice to you is pretty simple: Get into the fallout shelter, and make sure you have food and water to survive 18 years of nuclear winter. Oh, and trade Le'Veon Bell. He's a bum.
The Sexy Badasses
How the hell are you 3-1? Ben's 0-4, Russ is 1-3, Mark is 1-3, and the AP-free Sexy Badasses are 3-1. There's no justice in the world. Kirk, I don't know what to tell you, man. A-Rodge and Keenan Allen are rounding into form, and your team looks pretty damn good. You do have a fairly serious RB1 problem, however. Jerick McKinnon is about to eat Matt Asiata's lunch.
THUNDER BEAR
Change your team name to "The THUNDERBEAR." It would be 22% more badass. Meanwhile, talk to Pinky, KAG, Sexpanther, and Blackpool about their QB2s.
Voodoo Brown
Joe, you do a lot of picking and prying at all of our players, but what if you changed your approach up a little bit and instead started shopping some of your own players, letting the offers flow the other direction for a change? For example, start aggressively shopping Jimmy Graham, see what offers you get -- then go from there. I bet that move would breathe whole new life into your trading game. And trading, as we well know, is the rocketfuel for any Voodoo Brown championship chase.
Now on to your regularly-scheduled FAABnalysis.
Song for the day:
Okay, the claims...
Darren McFadden, $21 to Ben (on Sunday) -- Don't get me wrong, I understand why Yado dropped Run DMC... but the name alone, coupled with the Mojo injury, made McFadden a hot commodity. But I'll tell you, I know Ben didn't feel great about spending those 21 smackers on that dude.
Darrin Reaves, $11 to Patrick -- Reaves is not a good player. He's not an exciting talent. He's not stepping into a long-term role. Furthermore, the Panthers o-line sucks and Reaves is a pure thumper, totally reliant on good blocking in front of him... which explains his awful 2.16 ypc on Sunday. Patty, your head was in the right place, but this claim is going nowhere. Everyone else who didn't bid on Reaves -- well done. You successfully stepped around a pile of dogshit.
A.J. Hawk, $7 to Ben -- You bid against yourself, buddy. Not sure Hawk is all that exciting, but he'll get some tackles.
Austin Seferian-Jenkins, $7 to Kendall -- Hoping Mike Glennon is for real, and that ASJ is the one to take over Mike Evans' targets. Is he a viable starting TE in the CKL? Probably not, but I'm pulling straws here.
Kam Chancellor / Larry Foote, $6 to Rookie -- Same club as Ben, but Chancellor has some pick potential in the Legion of Boom and Foote is a warrior in the heart of that Cardinals defense.
Devin Hester, $5 to Nathan -- He sure looks good for Falcons, doesn't he? I like this as a deep-bench speculative add.
Danny Trevathan, $4 to Nathan -- I really wanted this guy, so kudos to Nathan for Jedi mindtricking his way into floating the extra buck. Trevathan was a top-10 IDP last season, and he steps back into the same role for the Broncos.
Malcom Floyd, $3 to Derrick -- He's this season's Devone Bess, the whore behind the dumpster we take turns being blown by.
Jace Amaro, $3 to Russ -- I had $3 on him, too, failing the ASJ claim. Talented rookie, nice upside, and it looks like the Jets want to use him more. The fans certainly want to see more Amaro.
Ryan Tannehill, $3 to Joe -- I still like Tannehill's talent, and I feel like Joe has a certain affinity for the dude. As a QB2 in the CKL, you can do a whole hell of a lot worse. Tidy $3 claim, Joe!
Brandon LaFell, $2 to Joe -- It was a pretty catch and touchdown run on MNF, certainly worthy of an end-of-the-bench roster churn.
Ka'Deem Carey, $1 to Mark -- Dropped the Le'Veon Bell handcuff to pick up the Matt Forte handcuff. Look for Rookie to make a strong move on Blount on Friday.
Jonathan Stewart, $0 to Joe -- 1.5 weeks ago, picked up DeAngelo Williams for $17. Today, dropped Williams for Jonathan Stewart. Joe, you are stuck in the soul-sucking whirlpool of Panthers running backs.
Stepfan Taylor, $0 to Paul -- Andre Ellington handcuff. Smart.
That's it for today, guys. Best of luck this week!
Hell yes.
ReplyDeleteLove the intro! Tell us what to do more often!
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