Wednesday FAABnalysis -- 10/29/2014

Here I am, belly full of McRib, ready to write your FAABnalysis after a week's hiatus.

Yeah, that's right, I'm back.

What?  The other thing?

Yeah, McRib.  I kind of celebrate the yearly re-arrival of the McRib by making a point of rolling my fat fucking ass down to the McDonald's and feasting on that shit.  This year, it's $5.48 for the McRib meal... but... if you pay an extra buck... you get a second McRib.

I'll leave it to you to decide if I ate two McRibs or not.

...

...

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I ATE TWO FUCKING McRIBS.

I ate two fucking McRibs.  And I hate myself.


Here's your fucking soundtrack for today.

Now let's blast through these claims.



Donte Moncrief
Winning Bid: $28 to Paul
Dropped: Johnny Manziel
Losing Bid(s):

• $23 to Rookie
• $22 to Nathan
• $22 to Russ
• $14 to Norris
• $12 to Kendall
• $6 to Ben
• $3 to Mark
• $2 to Joe

FAABnalysis:  How long is Reggie Wayne out?  [Thinks about checking websites, gets lazy, decides against.]  Does it matter?  Moncrief is the bull to play alongside T.Y. Hilton's bear.  This is a good, smart claim.  Meanwhile, how fucking lazy does one have to be in order to arrive at the decision that clicking a few website links is too much effort?  I hate myself.  Anyway, nice strong claim for Paulie.  I don't think Moncrief starts for the Bruisers at any point this season, and he's not a keeper option on such a loaded roster, but sometimes a good defense (cockblocking the other bidders) is the best offense.  I grade Paul's $28 Moncrief claim as...

McKinley Mac
A Big Mac with Quarter Pounder patties, the McKinley Mac will make you feel powerful like the former US President (or maybe full and satisfied was his deal; who knows?). If you're up for a meaty treat, ask your McD server for this special order burger that's almost as majestic as the highest peak in North America (it's Mount McKinley, in case you're playing at home).

DeAngelo Williams
Winning Bid: $13 to Chad
Dropped: Tashaun Gipson (whoever the fuck that is)
Losing Bid(s):

• $2 to Joe
• $0 to Kendall
• $0 to Norris

FAABnalysis:  They say that vampires can't come into your house to suck your blood and rape your children until after they are invited in the door.  Not that that has anything to do with DeAngelo Williams or bidding FAAB money to bring him onto your team.  I just thought it was a cool thing to bring up, in the spirit of Halloween and all.

Land, Sea, and Air
Combine a beef, chicken AND Filet-O-Fish patty between one very strained bun and you've got a burger with dead animals from all walks of life! It sounds like a little bit of overkill, but once you have this animal party happening in your mouth, you're never going to go back to a world where suckers only eat ONE kind of animal at a time.

Andre Williams
Winning Bid: $8 to Derrick
Dropped: Brandon Bolden
Losing Bid(s):

• $6 to Russ
• $1 to Joe

FAABnalysis:  Let the two Giants fans fight over which sub-$10 bid wins this fucking stiff of a rookie running back.  Rashad Jennings goes down, Andre Williams has a golden opportunity... and he piddlefucks his lame ass along at a 3.1 ypc clip.  There's no explosion here, no upside, no heartbeat.

McGangBang
Tracing its origins back to Daytona Beach (of course this monstrosity came from Florida), the McGangBang- as it's colorfully known- is achieved by stuffing a Dollar Menu chicken sandwich into a double cheeseburger. The result is a massive sandwich that costs about $2. Gives new meaning to more bang for your buck.

Andy Dalton
Winning Bid: $7 to Patrick
Dropped: Matt Prater
Losing Bid(s):

• $1 to Joe
• $0 to Ben
• $0 to Kendall
• $0 to Kirk

FAABnalysis:  Mo Sanu is a bonafide stud now, A.J. "Starscream" Green is almost back, and so is Tyler Eifert.  The Red Rifle has his weapons back!  Hey Patrick, let me know if you're interested in making a trade (you fucking shithead).

Mc10:35
The "Mc10:35" brunch sandwich is one of McDonald's most difficult to obtain "secret menu" items. And for good reason! The Mc10:35 is only available during the brief window of opportunity when both the breakfast and regular menu items at McDonald's are available, which is 10:30 - 11:00 at most McDonald's. That's a small window, but it's worth ordering this combo if you happen to be there at the right time. This combo burger & breakfast sandwich combines the best of both menus. Order an Egg McMuffin as well as a McDouble. Next, place the two McDouble patties and cheese straight into the McMuffin and enjoy! How tasty does that sound? So, if you are looking to have the perfect brunch, go get yourself aMc10:35 from the McDonalds secret menu.

Dumpster Diving (claims for $5 or cheaper)...

Heath Miller, $5 to Ben -- Poor Ben is TE-needy, and he went with trying to hit a bloop single instead of swinging for the fences.  Big Money is more like little pocket change these days, but he'll get you five points a week.

Theo Riddick, $5 to Nathan -- I had him queued up #4 behind Moncrief, Eifert, and Dalton, so I'm putting my money (a $0 bid) where my mouth is.  I think Riddick is the new Reggie Bush in the Lions' backfield.  Joique Bell is the bangers, and Riddick's the mash.

Coby Fleener, $3 to Russ -- We need to stop trying to make Coby Fleener happen.  It's not gonna happen.

Michael Vick, $2 to Nathan -- This is how far you've fallen, Nathan.  THIS is how far you've fallen.  Let this be a lesson to all of you --- DRAFT A FUCKING QUARTERBACK.

Ryan Fitzpatrick, $0 to Mark -- Matthew Stafford's on bye.  Nothing to see here, move along.  (Oh, and congratulations to Ben for facing Fitz this week.)

Tyler Eifert, $0 to Kendall -- MWAHAHAHAHA, I HAVE OUTSMARTED YOU ALL!

Kyle Rudolph, $0 to Kendall -- MWAHAHAHAHA, I HAVE OUTSMARTED MYSELF!

Travaris Cadet, $0 to Joe -- I feel like this claim (or one exactly like it) plays out a million times during the course of Joe's fantasy football season.  It's like one of those water-drinking bird gizmos.  Joe picks up young player with niche role, Joe drops young player with niche role, Joe picks up young player with niche role, Joe drops young player with niche role... again and again and again and again.  But that's how you play this crazy game of ours!

Jonathan Stewart, $0 to Norris -- Remember that shit I said earlier about vampires?  Yeah.  Just felt compelled to bring it up again for some reason.