IT'S MELTDOWN TIME! (aka Wednesday FAABnalysis -- Week 5, 10/8/2014)

I have precious little time for FAABnalysisizing today, as it appears I'll just be insanely busy with work for *work* pretty much every Wednesday afternoon.  Fuckers!

Anyway, here I sit at 2-3, having scored 63 and 67 points in the last two weeks, both ending in painful losses to Norris and Kirk.  As Kirk said, it seems like maybe my team sucks?  But I weirdly love my players.  Meanwhile, Paul is about to cut me off at the knees in the trade world with a piece he's working on for the blog, comparing making trades with the Nightmare to hearing the doorbell during dinner.  It's actually a genius analogy, so I'll let you read that if/when it comes out.  But know, that after a bad draft, two really bad trades, general bad luck, two bad losses, and now being de-balled in the trade market via bad publicity... I'm in meltdown mode.

But like Boba Fett emerging from the Sarlacc Pit...

Just so happens that one of my absolute favorite recurring blog posts, It's Meltdown Time, scratches my specific itch perfectly.  So in the interest of saving time while simultaneously hitting the target, here are some of my favorite excerpts from this week's post.  Know that as the biggest fan of the Pink Nightmare, I'm feeling a kindred spirit with the Oregon, Oklahoma, A&M, and Bama fans out there in the world.


Oregon Fans Say...

that's it. fuck it. fuck everything. fuck it all.

FUCKITY FUCK FUCK DAMN DAMN DAMN SHIT GODDAMN FUCK IT ALL DAMN YOU, INJURIES, OLINE, COACHING, FATE. GODDAMN YOU, HOPE. GODDAMN YOU, EVERYTHING FUN AND PLEASURABLE IN THE UNIVERSE. GODDAMN EVERYTHING. GODDAMN YOU, FOOTBALL GODS.

Michael J. Fox could draw up a better game plan with an etch-a-sketch.

My heart feels like a black hole filled with hellfire

I hate everything and football is stupid.


Oklahoma Fans Say...

I hate the truth. And facts. Fuck them too.

My dog is about to take a beating

My rum and coke suddenly tastes like sadness and wasted life.

Anyone ever drink 409 before? I will let you know how it goes.

Holy shit. I swallowed some of my Copenhagen.

Worse than seeing my Christian school teacher mother in a Tijuana donkey show...and my dad taking tickets..

Texas A&M Fans Say...

We're going in dry on ourselves!

Don't know what you can do to help our guys find their reproductive organs.

Don't have to worry about Ebola... No one on our team will be able to catch it

i'm gonna go play clash of clans and beat up on some 7 year olds.

Hold the rope.....hold it.....hold it....

My vajayjay hurts.

Where is my Vomit cup.........

Alabama Fans Say...

I'm almost at Fuck the periodic table level

Guess it's time to jump on that soccer bandwagon I've heard so much about

MURDER SUNSHINE IN THE FACE

If ya'll motherfuckers would quit getting hurt I'd really appreciate it.

What the fuck? When did we become Clemson?

I'm going to eat Red Lobster shrimp until I puke

Today, thanks to the Pink Nightmare, I am totally connected to the Duckfans, Boomers, TAMU fans, and Rolltiders in shared misery.

But the meltdowns... they cheer me up.  My heart feels like a black hole filled with hellfire?  Murder sunshine in the face?  I'm going to eat Red Lobster shrimp until I puke?  That's comedy gold.

So finding happiness in whatever nook or cranny available, we do what we do, we pick up the pieces and we proceed.  And while the 2-3 Pink Nightmare sucks ass, I'm not alone.  The Peens are 1-4.  KAG is 2-3 and swirling.  Glitterfist is hopeless as ever.  The Flaccid Stick is 1-4.  Jesus the Moose is 0-5.  OH-AND-FIVE!?!!??  We, my friends, are the huddled masses.  We pick up the pieces, and we proceed.  It's all we can do.

The next piece to pick up is courtesy of Wednesday FAAB.  So let's rake those coals now...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEW FORMAT FOR THIS WEEK!  Ranking the claims, first place (best) to last place (worst!), then arranged that shit into tiers.  Let me know what you think!

~~~ GOOD BUYS! ~~~

#1 Claim of the Week: Ronnie Hillman, $18 to Rookie -- I knew it all along; Montee Ball sucks.  And what kind of asshole is named "Montee?"  Sheesh.  Anyway, Hillman sucks too, but there's hope for a satellite back (only works in space) with Peyton Manning at QB.  Fuck it, we're gonna pass.  That's what the Broncos are saying right about now, and could be that Rook just landed a tasty piece of that pie.  Also, bravo on out-bidding five other buyers without vastly overpaying.

#2 Eric Ebron, $1 to Norris (on Sunday) -- I just feel like Norris is really on his game right now.  Megatron ailing, make a move to bring in the super-talented rookie tight end who'll be eating some of those targets.  Ebron had a quiet game in week 5, but this is still a long-term upside play.  Throwing out a buck to outbid myself and Joe was wise as fuck.

#3 Storm Johnson, $7 to Joe -- Gerhart, strikeout.  Denard Robinson, strikeout.  Now batting for the Jaguars, an unknown 7th round rookie from UCF with near-prototypical workhorse size!  I think there's nice potential upside here, with very little downside on a modest $7 claim.  Plus, Joe is the master of stockpiling good backs from bad teams.

~~~ SOUND INVESTMENTS ~~~

#4 James Jones, $2 to Joe (on Sunday) -- Top target for the Raiders... I guess... but that is one truly putrid passing offense, with an awful lot of equally-talented / equally-unexciting receivers to feed.  I feel like JJ is a fine WR4 in the CKL, so no issue with this move for Joe.

#5 Brian Hoyer, $6 to Nathan -- Nate bid against himself to bring aboard fantasy's 22nd-best QB.  Not a good look.  If I didn't know Hoyer to be such a gamer, I'd body slam Nathan a bit more violently for making this claim.  But it turns out, he needs a QB, and Hoyer was probably BPA.  The six bucks was basically an insurance payment.

#6 Carson Palmer, $4 to Paul -- As much as I hate him, I do think he's a top-20 QB play in FF, given the weapons around him.  He's a giant, slithering slug coated in quim juice, but he's got Fitzgerald, Michael Floyd, John Brown, and Andre Ellington to target.

#7 Charles Clay, $0 to Joe -- Dropped Fleener to pick up Clay.  Probably is just a meaningless bottom-of-the roster talent churn, but I do think Joe upgraded the ceiling of that roster spot.

~~~ SUCKER BETS ~~~

#8 Bernard Pierce, $5 to Paul (on Saturday) -- Meh.  Ravens RB Roulette is a lot like Panthers RB Roulette right now.  I think I'd rather stick to playing craps.

#9 Tim Wright, $13 to Kendall -- I'm desperate for a halfway-startable tight end (fuck you, Dennis Pitta), and I'm desperate for wins.  It might (read: will probably) turn out that Wright's involvement on Sunday night was just an aberration, but I'm gambling that after a month-plus in Foxboro, he's fully vetted into the Aaron Hernandez role.  {Help me, Tim Wright.  You're my only hope.}  Desperate FAAB bidding is usually bad FAAB bidding, I know that... but my season is swirling the toilet bowl, and the toilet bowl is located in a chinese restaurant.  A chinese BUFFET restaurant.  Built on an Indian burial ground.  In a Nicholas Sparks novel.  That you find, face down and dog-eared... on an international flight from West Africa.

#10 Austin Davis, $9 to Yado (on Friday) -- Yado gets a pass because this is his first season in the CKL, and I applaud his willingness to bid and bid hard on the guys he wants -- really a breath of fresh air after the uneven, lackluster efforts Alan gave FAAB.  But this claim for $9 was wasteful spending, especially considering Davis' upcoming schedule (SF, SEA, @KC, @SF, @ARZ, DEN).

#11 Jarius Wright, $5 to Nathan -- Not buying the synergy with Teddy Bridgewater, and I think Nathan flushed five bucks down the shitter.

#12 Andre Holmes, $0 to Paul -- Dropped Pierce to make this happen.  Downshifted from "meh" to "blarf."