Not sure if this really needs any explanation, but here it is. Score is the 3 DP positions added together. Green highlight means high score of the week -- good job! Red highlight means low score of the week -- you suck! League-wide weekly average at the bottom of each column, team-by-team season long average in the first column. List is sorted by that stat. On the the analysis (which, it should be pointed out, can't exist without anal):
Russ's team sucks because his IDP scoring is so shitty....
Which is also why the Penguins suck?
My abysmal Week 2 score wasn't helped by my shitbag IDP performance.
Week 3's average score is the lowest in recorded history (which is only last year through Week 10, since I stopped doing it then)
I still hate IDP
Let's see if I can manage to keep this up this year. But in the meantime,
Maybe you don't remember. Maybe you're Yado. Maybe you never took the time to read my drivel before. Whatever. You're in now, which means all past sins are forgiven and we can move forward like nothing happened. This is my space. I pontificate on whatever inspires me. It's hit (rarely) or miss (mostly). I make no promises. But with Week 3 behind us, it's time to fire up my numbers/charts/tables game, and with that, provide some commentary. Last year, I got all judgemental on people's start/sit decisions. I'll probably still do that from time to time. But I'm expanding my scope. So grab your keys, drive to the grocery, buy two Foster's big boys, drive home, put your keys on the hook, ignore your family, boot up your laptop, go to dubbadubbadubba dot add drop trade kill destroy dot blogspot dot come, click the link for this post, crack open big boy number one, swig, and....
S13E1: Nathan takes a look back at Round 1 of the CKL draft.
1.Paul - RB Montee Ball, Denver Broncos
The consensus best player available, Paul's selection of Ball was a no-brainer. But Peyton’s plug and play running back hasn’t produced as a fantasy running back, with a 49/165/3.4 line with only one touchdown through three games. 7 catches for 51 yards and a fumble lost has Mr. Ball as RB 24. Disappointed and needing help during the bye week from hell, Paul just shipped Montee off to THUNDER BEAR, where he can flourish in the warm embrace of a Broncos fan.
2.Paul - RB Andre Ellington, Arizona Cardinals
Remember how we were all so sure Paul was going to grab Luck here, after trading Peyton to Rookie for this pick? Paul didn’t want to overcommit to the Broncos, especially since he also has TE phenom Julius Thomas as a Bruiser. And then, sensing that maybe he wanted to wait on QB and grab two running backs to start the draft, I started the short-lived (but succesful) #paultakeellington Twitter hashtag. I’m feeling a little guilty about that. Ellington’s been gimpy with a foot ailment and is only RB 28 through three weeks. I’m sure Paul wasn’t looking for RB24/RB28 to start off the draft, especially when he could have the far-and-away leader for QB1 (Luck) instead.
3.Derrick - RB Ryan Mathews, San Diego Chargers
Apparently Derrick gave Becky a list of two players for his first round pick, which is extremely odd considering he picked at number three. Once Paul semi-surprised and snagged Ellington, Becky was left in the lurch to “reach” for Mathews. A solid pick, but holmes has a sprained knee and is giving KAG a bunch of nothing right now. The jury is still out on this pick, but 17 points to date is not was the Doc ordered.
4.Yado - RB C.J. Spiller, Buffalo Bills
Yado’s first ever CKL draft pick, and he did well with it. Factor in that he was scrambling down from NoVA and made this (and several early round) selection on the phone with Kendall, and it seems even more solid. But seriously, Yado: next year, come down on Friday night. It’s worth it. Spiller made the fourth straight running back to be selected to open the draft, and while he has had a few bumps and bruises here and there, he’s done enough to produce RB14 numbers to date. That’s a win when you evaluate who went before him.
5.Norris - QB Andrew Luck, Indianapolis Colts
Maybe I should listen to Kendall more. The downside of encouraging Paul to take Ellington is that Luck would likely slide to Norris, giving him a beastly starting lineup. Gulp. That’s exactly what happened. I confess, I thought Luck was overrated. But what the hell do I know? I’m staring down the barrel of starting Alex “Reverse Alchemist” Smith for the third consecutive week. Norris got the best QB available, and the best FF QB through three weeks. And it’s not even close. My bad.
6.Mark - WR Victor Cruz, New York Giants
The WRs finally start coming off the board and Mark goes with steady slotman Cruz, who apparently does some sort of a dance. After suffering a slow start over the season’s first two weeks (and suffering from having Eli Manning through him passes), Cruz busted out for 16.7 points in Week 3 and is looking to head back into every week borderline WR1 status. Nothing wrong with this pick.
7.Kirk - WR Keenan Allen, San Diego Chargers
Good grief is Kirk snakebitten. What did you do to the FF gods, Kirk? AP is toast after abusing his child. Aaron Rodgers sucks. And Keenan Allen sucks. Dude was third on my pre-draft list. And the weird thing is that the Chargers are apparently really good this year. Three games, 10.9 points, and the 69th ranked receiver. Barf.
8.Patrick - WR Andre Johnson, Houston Texans
Another seemingly solid pick that is way underperforming. Dre hasn’t found his FitzMagic just yet. He’s not Keenan Allen bad, but WR47 is not what Patrick wants. He has to be started but he totally blows. At least the rest of JPA’s squad looks pretty good.
9.Joe - QB Robert Griffin III, Washington Redskins
Motion that next year we simply skip the first round altogether. What an incredible pile of suck this is turning into. Besides Luck and Spiller (kinda) this has been a huge run of disappointment and desolation. I mean, who even knew you could dislocate your ankle BELOW your ankle?
At least Joe had the smarts to snag Cutler later in the draft. That was hella good Voodoo.
10.Nathan - TE Jordan Cameron, Cleveland Browns
Look at me! Look how smart I am! Look at me take an oft-injured tight end in a shite offense with no promise of good quarterback play! Tempted but resisting the urge to post a picture of an A/C joint sprain. Gotta mix it up.
Woah. Kinda good looking.
11.Russ - RB Rashad Jennings, New York Giants
Oh thank god someone make another good pick. The fifth ranked running back early in the 2014 season, Russ shipped him out to Kendall, where he’ll likely help win Pink Nightmare a fifth cup. Good pick, Russ, but the trade earned you the glare of a least a small segment of the never-weres in the league.
12.Ben - WR Pierre Garçon, Washington
Another decent pick that has already been shipped across town to the Voodoo Brown. WR24 is startable, except Ben only got the disappointing first two weeks of productions out of Monsieur Boy. If you want to send any other quality players out after losing this week, I’m you’re Huckleberry.
Admit it. You thought I was going Kilmer here.
13.Chad - RB Bishop Sankey, Tenneesee Titans
Those of us doing CKL mock drafts in May (the few, the proud, the depraved) had Sankey pegged as an early first rounder. So in a way, it seemed like Chad got some RB value late in the round. But then it turned out that Sankey either isn't good or isn't ready, and there's proof of both in the subpar Titans pudding. Chad DNGAF, so he's wisely stashing Bishop on his bench. What else can you do?
Sexy, sexy Patterson. His hotness meant he should've gone earlier. His production to date is less clear. Kendall was wise to sell him as part of the trade that moved Jennings from Russ, as he is the kind of player you have to start, but will be maddeninglyvariant in his touches/targets/points. If only we could assume that Norval knew what to do with him, he would be a dynamite fantasy commodity. But the assumption of rational coaching is growing to be one of the bigger pitfalls in this hobby of ours, and OC Turner is rivaling Pep Hamilton for the title of Crown King Nothing.
Bye Week Hell
Donald Brown, Justin Forsett, Matt Asiata, Khiry Robinson, Allen Hurns, and Shonn Greene are merely some of the shitshow starts the CKL is hoping on in this, the most hellacious bye week of all fantasy football time.
But we must press on. There are wins to be had, and for those of us not winning, there is the elusive blue-balls marathon of the quest for Jenna.
It's a big hat. It's funny.
What the hell is he doing on your team?
Matt Prater
Robert Woods
Sio Moore
Latavius Murray
Christine Michael
Damien Williams
Scott Chandler
Odell Beckham Jr.
Donnie Avery
Levine Toilolo
Johnny Manziel
Tyvon Branch
Bjoern Werner
Alex Smith
Devonta Freeman
Riley Cooper
Jonathan Grimes
Dwayne Bowe
WEEK 3 NUMBERS
finally
All-Play Table
Yado: this is what everyone's win/loss record would be if we played every other team each week.
Norris' juggernaut leads defending champ Chad by three games on the first all play table of the season.
The six teams above .500 are our current playoff teams.
Perhaps Kirk is due a name change? I'm thinking something like Consistent Missonary Position?
Mark's standard deviation of 41.02 is simply wild. That's what happens when you score 119.8 in Week 1 and follow that up with a Lame-worthy 38.6 in Week 2. This is the lowest score in the league since I have decent records starting in 2008. It's possibly the lowest score ever in the history of the league. Enjoy that.
Derrick crawls back down into the basement he's called home the last two seasons.
Luck Table
Yado: This is a table that shows have many games more or less than average your team has won based on the all-play table above. It shows how lucky you are based on the schedule you've played.
Yado: enjoy your luck while it lasts.
Week 4 showdown between Ben and Russ features two of the most unlucky teams through three weeks the league has ever seen. Just another reason to hope for a tie.
Jenna Von Oÿ Table
Yado: you saw Blossom once or twice growing up, right? Oh, you have the complete series on Blue Ray? Cool, then I can quit explaining.
From THUNDER BEAR down: we in trouble.
Definitely not a handful, but we can work with this.
Kirk: It is pouring down rain in Raleigh today like me after 4 beers. Hard, strong, and kinda yellow. 2:24 PM
Ben: You can pee hard? 2:27 PM
Kirk: Damn straight! A few months ago I decided that peeing was taking too long so I started forcing my pee out. I starting doing keegals for my penis 2:34 PM
Kirk: Now I have regular and chip the porcelain 2:35 PM
Kirk: And yes. In my world peeing was taking up enough time for me to come up with a plan. 2:36 PM
Ben: Cock push-ups could help too. 2:38 PM
Ben: Thank you Jack Black. 2:38 PM
Kirk: So are you Aaron Rodgers telling the fans to chill after starting the season 0-3 or are you ready to fire sale the team? 2:41 PM
Kirk: Let me ask that another way 3:09 PM
Kirk: Historically you have to be 8-5 to even think about the playoffs in this league. You are 0-3. Do you think your team can go 8-2 from now on? 3:10 PM
Ben: I am worried, but not ready to abandon ship yet. Another loss and I may be trading to get younger (hint to league). 3:13 PM
Ben: But damn, I can't believe this team is 0-3. 3:13 PM
Kirk: I can't believe Rookie is 3-0 and commands the league alone 3:16 PM
Ben: Just a matter of time until the implosion of Sex to the Nth Degree. 4:12 PM
Ben: And explosion of the Benevolent and Awesome Moose 4:13 PM
Kirk: I'd like to think that for you and I would like you to end Russ's season this week. He is sitting on 0-3 as well. 5:39 PM
Kirk: Trade update 5:42 PM
Kirk: BSB traded Mike Wallace, Mia WR to BEAR BSB traded Montee Ball, Den RB to BEAR BEAR traded Lamar Miller, Mia RB to BSB BEAR traded Roddy White, Atl WR to BSB5:42 PM
Ben: Pretty good and even trade. 5:46 PM
Ben: No wait, I read that wrong. 5:47 PM
Ben: BEAR got the better deal in my eyes. 5:47 PM
Kirk: Long term maybe but I think Paul is playing a "What can you do for me this week game." Which I believe to be a champion's game. 6:23 PM
Ben: Paul was always looking for the one night stand. What a slut. 7:16 PM
Ben: But yeah, good strategy... 7:16 PM
Ben: You have to be happy with 2-1 given no AP and an underachieving Rodgers. 9:04 PM
Kirk: I have been very lucky. Norris I squeaked by and Russ is in a slump. I could very easily be 0-3 right now. 10:33 AM
Kirk: However post Purple Jesus I am 2-0 10:33 AM
Kirk: Let's start with this week's game of the week. "The Last Stand" You vs. Russ 10:36 AM
The Magic Stick at Jesus the Moose
ESPN Gameline: Ben by 0.7
Kirk: Russ is bringing Flacco (QB), Knile Davis (RB), LeShawn (RB), Jordy Nelson (WR), Cod a Really Patterson (WR), and Coby Fleener (TE) 10:37 AM
Kirk: You have Brees (QB), Shonn "Oh My God I have to Play Him" Greene, MegaTron (WR), Samuel Watkins (WR), Kenny Stills (WR), and Jason Witten (TE) 10:39 AM
Kirk: You also need to buy a D-Line. Drop them bitches so I can quick pick them up 10:40 AM
Kirk: In fact I am going to make a trade offer 10:44 AM
Ben: Good I like to trade. 11:06 AM
Ben: And I will be the voice of Kendall today with a "horrible, just horrible" on that Patterson nickname. 11:07 AM
Kirk: You've got a hill to climb this week. 11:32 AM
Kirk: Today is 1993 today in my world. I have been listening to only music released in 1993. Just to remind myself that people born 1993 can drink now.
11:51 AM
Kirk: Texting with me has to be a struggle. I went back and could barely read some of that. 11:55 AM
Kirk: Oh here's a good one. "25 years and my life is still Trying to get up that great big hill of hope For a destination." 12:06 PM
Kirk: Let me get this straight...Everyday She steps outside, gets high, and scream at the top of her lungs "What's Going On?!" 12:09 PM
Kirk: Day 2 I'm calling the cops... 12:10 PM
Kirk: Fucking hippies... 12:10 PM
Ben: I love 4 Non-Blonds. Such a weird one hit wonder group. 12:18 PM
Ben: Maybe if I pick against myself I will win...? 12:18 PM
Kirk: I think you ...wait, wait....Aerosmith "Cyrin"...."Your love is sweet misery." 12:26 PM
Kirk: Ben I got you in this one and Russ burns up in the first 1/3 of the season. 12:26 PM
Kirk: Okay movin on....Doc vs. Paul 12:27 PM
Bruisers at Azz Giants
ESPN Gameline: Paul by 6.5
Kirk: Paul is now The Other Manning (QB), Lamar Miller (RB), Alshon Jeffery (WR), Roddy White (WR), Brandin Cooks (WR), and Ladarius Green (TE) for SD 12:28 PM
Kirk: He like you is running the Devil's Threeway 12:28 PM
Kirk: But he is facing a Devil's Threeway...Kappy Nick (QB), Pierre Thomas (RB), Gronk (TE), and DeSean (WR), Steve Smith SR (WR), Marques Colston (WR) 12:30 PM
Kirk: Paul better pray to god of skinny white punks that Roddy White plays this week because he has no one on the bench. 12:32 PM
Ben: Surprisingly, I see Doc walking away with a win here. 12:36 PM
Ben: When is Kaepernick going to start earning his $20 mil paycheck. 12:37 PM
Kirk: I'm not surprised. I think Paul is in an off week and Doc has a better situation. 12:44 PM
Kirk: Rejected trade....did you counter that shit? 12:44 PM
Kirk: Nope...no counter...that is a dick slap in the face. 12:45 PM
Ben: Gotta give me a square deal man. I may look desperate, but not ready to let you take me from behind. 12:46 PM
Kirk: I go out of my way to suck you off and all you can slap my cheek with your limp dick. 12:46 PM
Ben: I'll get you a counter. 12:46 PM
Kirk: For the record...Leodis McKelvin CB for Bobby Wagner LB who is off this week. 12:47 PM
Ben: That's right, a CB who had one good week for a LB that is super consistent. 12:47 PM
Kirk: That's what I call a Joe Sellers Special 12:49 PM
Kirk: However I will not rigorously defend it out of desperation 12:49 PM
Kirk: On to the Chad vs. Rookie...Isn't this the Silent Bowl? 12:51 PM
Fuckable Fuzzball vs. Double-O Daddy
ESPN Gameline: Rookie by 6.7
Kirk: Muff Mousers have Kirk Cousins (QB), LeVeon Bell (RB), Corn Cobb (WR), Kelvin Benjamin (WR), Bradshaw (RB), and Antonio Gate (TE) 12:53 PM
Kirk: Chad rolls out Nick Foles (QB), Alfred Morris (RB), Bishop Sankey (RB), Antonio Brown (WR), Greg Jennings (WR), and Owen Daniels (TE) 12:54 PM
Kirk: Chad is a little better than this line-up. He is shopping players and is hoping he doesn't have to play Bishop "can't out run Shonn Greene" Sankey 12:57 PM
Kirk: I don't know what is in his heart, so really its me hoping he doesn't have to play Bishop Sankey 12:58 PM
Ben: Counter in, mahfakka. 12:59 PM
Ben: Gotta say Rookie fields a strong team in Bye Week Hell. 1:00 PM
Ben: The Titan RBs are horrible! 1:00 PM
Kirk: Damn I hate you! 1:11 PM
Kirk: DeAndre Levy Wes Welker for Bobby Wagner Terrance West 1:12 PM
Ben: You must not hate me too much. No decline yet...? 1:13 PM
Ben: West has potential, Welker is injury prone and hopped up on PEDs. 1:14 PM
Ben: Shit, are we publishing this long-ass thread? 1:14 PM
Ben: Negotiation - bam! 1:16 PM
Kirk: I am going to sleep on it for an minute. 1:17 PM
Note: I went back over the text on my phone and Ben stated he went with Rookie. I am going with Chad.
Kirk: IN the meantime....Joe vs. Patrick 1:23 PM
Lasersnakes vs. Voodoo Brown
ESPN Gameline: Joe by 16.1
Kirk: Red Queens still in Judgement over Patrick's team...5 Qs in the active line-up. 1:24 PM
Kirk: Tom Brady (QB), Arian Foster (RB) Q, Dez Bryant (WR) Q, Andre Johnson (WR) Q, Joique Bell (RB) Q, Greg Olsen (TE)....Thomas Davis (LB) Q 1:25 PM
Kirk: Voodoo Child has Culter (QB), Dougy Martin (RB), Hakeem Nicks (WR), DeAnelgo Williams (RB), Frenchy Garcon (WR), and Jimmy Jam (TE) 1:27 PM
Ben: Miss you, Garçon, but fuck you for blowing up like that post trade. 3:40 PM
Ben: I am going JINX here. Cutler has surprised me; Brees to Jimmy is due; and Pierre is sure to continue the hot hand just to piss me off. 3:43 PM
Kirk: What about West for Welker straight up? 4:08 PM
Kirk: Yeah the red Queen hangs Patrick. Voodoo moves to 3-1. 4:09 PM
Kirk: The other game of the week is Kendall Norris 4:10 PM
Blackpool Penguins vs. Pink Nightmare
ESPN Gameline: Norris by 6.1
Kirk: Norris has Luck (QB), DeMark (RB), Julio Jones (WR), Jordan Matthew (RB), Darren Sproles (RB), and Larry Donnel otherwise known as the TE for the Giants. 4:12 PM
Kirk: He also has my vote for logo of the week 4:12 PM
Kirk: Kendall is Matt Ryan (RB), Rashad Jennings (RB), Niles Paul (aka Washington's TE), and Devil's Threeway of Maclin, Crabtree, and Allen Hurns 4:13 PM
Kirk: He is the punch guy for the Jaguars 4:14 PM
Kirk: I think Norris has this one. 4:15 PM
Ben: Tough one! Hard to pick against Kendall, but Norris looks very strong. 4:17 PM
Ben: Also, I could do that trade. Still need a couple DPs. Sigh. 4:17 PM
Kirk: Also why do you think Kendall Howell is hanging onto Matt Prater ? A suspended kicker for Denver who is on a bye week? 4:18 PM
Ben: Gamesmanship. 4:18 PM
Kirk: That's different game than I am playing. 4:59 PM
Kirk: So Kendall or Norris boss? 4:59 PM
Ben: Norris 5:00 PM
Kirk: And the bye week trade happens. Terrance West for Wes Welker. Both of us taking a risk, both of us hoping for a miracle. 8:02 PM
Kirk: Wes Welker is better off without me. I'm off the field activity jinxed. 8:03 PM
Kirk: Okay we move on to Yado (2-1) and Nathan (1-2). 8:12 PM
The Hezballers vs. THUNDER BEAR
ESPN Gameline: Yado by 3.4
Kirk: Yado is rolling with Romo (QB), Stevie Jackson (RB), CJ Spiller (RB), Terrance Williams (WR), James Jones (WR), and Zach Ertz (TE) 8:13 PM
Kirk: Nathan has Alex Smith (QB), Feddie Jackson (RB), Donnie Brown (RB), Brandon Marshall (WR), Mike Wallace (WR), and Travis Kelce (TE) aka KC's TE 8:16 PM
Ben: Do these teams look like this because of bye week or just because? 8:23 PM
Ben: Of course the 0-3 guy has no room to talk such shit. 8:57 PM
Kirk: Fucking Spit Take Funny.....FSTF........just happened 9:45 PM
Ben: I am not sure what you just said or meant... 9:58 PM
Kirk: That was funny 10:12 PM
Ben: Larry Donnell dropping science on Pink Nightmare! 10:00 PM
Ben: And the 'Skins. Yeah, them too. 10:00 PM
Note: Technically no one called this game during the text session. For the record I am going with Yado.
The Champeens vs. The Sexy Badasses
ESPN Gameline: Mark by 14.4
Kirk: Okay last game Mark and I 10:14 PM
Kirk: Kirk: Aaron "Calm Down Cheeseheads" Rodgers (QB), Matt Asiata (RB), Khiry Robinson (RB0, Keenan Allen (WR), Cecil Shorts III (WR), and Martellus "Who Knew?" Bennet (TE)10:16 PM
Ben: Oh man, I shoulda traded you for Bennett! 10:17 PM
Kirk: Mark: Stafford (QB), Matt Forte (RB), Eddie Lacy (RB), Vic Cruz (WR), Julian Edelman (WR), and Dwayne Allen (TE) 10:17 PM
Kirk: He was my leading scorer last week. 10:18 PM
Ben: Peens might put a hurtin' on you this week if Rodgers doesn't show again. 10:54 PM
Ben: Mark is my lock of the week. Sorry dude. 10:58 PM
Kirk: No that is fair 11:01 PM
Kirk: Okay boss. It's a wrap. Talk to you next week. 11:01 PM
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