Nathan's Nits - 2014 Week 3

WE. ARE. BACK.

What's this all about?

Maybe you don't remember. Maybe you're Yado. Maybe you never took the time to read my drivel before. Whatever. You're in now, which means all past sins are forgiven and we can move forward like nothing happened. This is my space. I pontificate on whatever inspires me. It's hit (rarely) or miss (mostly). I make no promises. But with Week 3 behind us, it's time to fire up my numbers/charts/tables game, and with that, provide some commentary. Last year, I got all judgemental on people's start/sit decisions. I'll probably still do that from time to time. But I'm expanding my scope. So grab your keys, drive to the grocery, buy two Foster's big boys, drive home, put your keys on the hook, ignore your family, boot up your laptop, go to dubbadubbadubba dot add drop trade kill destroy dot blogspot dot come, click the link for this post, crack open big boy number one, swig, and....

S13E1: Nathan takes a look back at Round 1 of the CKL draft.

1. Paul - RB Montee Ball, Denver Broncos

The consensus best player available, Paul's selection of Ball was a no-brainer. But Peyton’s plug and play running back hasn’t produced as a fantasy running back, with a 49/165/3.4 line with only one touchdown through three games. 7 catches for 51 yards and a fumble lost has Mr. Ball as RB 24. Disappointed and needing help during the bye week from hell, Paul just shipped Montee off to THUNDER BEAR, where he can flourish in the warm embrace of a Broncos fan.

2. Paul - RB Andre Ellington, Arizona Cardinals

Remember how we were all so sure Paul was going to grab Luck here, after trading Peyton to Rookie for this pick? Paul didn’t want to overcommit to the Broncos, especially since he also has TE phenom Julius Thomas as a Bruiser. And then, sensing that maybe he wanted to wait on QB and grab two running backs to start the draft, I started the short-lived (but succesful) #paultakeellington Twitter hashtag. I’m feeling a little guilty about that. Ellington’s been gimpy with a foot ailment and is only RB 28 through three weeks. I’m sure Paul wasn’t looking for RB24/RB28 to start off the draft, especially when he could have the far-and-away leader for QB1 (Luck) instead.

3. Derrick - RB Ryan Mathews, San Diego Chargers

Apparently Derrick gave Becky a list of two players for his first round pick, which is extremely odd considering he picked at number three. Once Paul semi-surprised and snagged Ellington, Becky was left in the lurch to “reach” for Mathews. A solid pick, but holmes has a sprained knee and is giving KAG a bunch of nothing right now. The jury is still out on this pick, but 17 points to date is not was the Doc ordered.

4. Yado - RB C.J. Spiller, Buffalo Bills

Yado’s first ever CKL draft pick, and he did well with it. Factor in that he was scrambling down from NoVA and made this (and several early round) selection on the phone with Kendall, and it seems even more solid. But seriously, Yado: next year, come down on Friday night. It’s worth it. Spiller made the fourth straight running back to be selected to open the draft, and while he has had a few bumps and bruises here and there, he’s done enough to produce RB14 numbers to date. That’s a win when you evaluate who went before him.

5. Norris - QB Andrew Luck, Indianapolis Colts

Maybe I should listen to Kendall more. The downside of encouraging Paul to take Ellington is that Luck would likely slide to Norris, giving him a beastly starting lineup. Gulp. That’s exactly what happened. I confess, I thought Luck was overrated. But what the hell do I know? I’m staring down the barrel of starting Alex “Reverse Alchemist” Smith for the third consecutive week. Norris got the best QB available, and the best FF QB through three weeks. And it’s not even close. My bad.

6. Mark - WR Victor Cruz, New York Giants

The WRs finally start coming off the board and Mark goes with steady slotman Cruz, who apparently does some sort of a dance. After suffering a slow start over the season’s first two weeks (and suffering from having Eli Manning through him passes), Cruz busted out for 16.7 points in Week 3 and is looking to head back into every week borderline WR1 status. Nothing wrong with this pick.

7. Kirk - WR Keenan Allen, San Diego Chargers

Good grief is Kirk snakebitten. What did you do to the FF gods, Kirk? AP is toast after abusing his child. Aaron Rodgers sucks. And Keenan Allen sucks. Dude was third on my pre-draft list. And the weird thing is that the Chargers are apparently really good this year. Three games, 10.9 points, and the 69th ranked receiver. Barf.

8. Patrick - WR Andre Johnson, Houston Texans

Another seemingly solid pick that is way underperforming. Dre hasn’t found his FitzMagic just yet. He’s not Keenan Allen bad, but WR47 is not what Patrick wants. He has to be started but he totally blows. At least the rest of JPA’s squad looks pretty good.

9. Joe - QB Robert Griffin III, Washington Redskins

Motion that next year we simply skip the first round altogether. What an incredible pile of suck this is turning into. Besides Luck and Spiller (kinda) this has been a huge run of disappointment and desolation. I mean, who even knew you could dislocate your ankle BELOW your ankle?

At least Joe had the smarts to snag Cutler later in the draft. That was hella good Voodoo.

10. Nathan - TE Jordan Cameron, Cleveland Browns

Look at me! Look how smart I am! Look at me take an oft-injured tight end in a shite offense with no promise of good quarterback play! Tempted but resisting the urge to post a picture of an A/C joint sprain. Gotta mix it up.

Woah. Kinda good looking.

11. Russ - RB Rashad Jennings, New York Giants

Oh thank god someone make another good pick. The fifth ranked running back early in the 2014 season, Russ shipped him out to Kendall, where he’ll likely help win Pink Nightmare a fifth cup. Good pick, Russ, but the trade earned you the glare of a least a small segment of the never-weres in the league.

12. Ben - WR Pierre Garçon, Washington

Another decent pick that has already been shipped across town to the Voodoo Brown. WR24 is startable, except Ben only got the disappointing first two weeks of productions out of Monsieur Boy. If you want to send any other quality players out after losing this week, I’m you’re Huckleberry.

Admit it. You thought I was going Kilmer here.

13. Chad - RB Bishop Sankey, Tenneesee Titans

Those of us doing CKL mock drafts in May (the few, the proud, the depraved) had Sankey pegged as an early first rounder. So in a way, it seemed like Chad got some RB value late in the round. But then it turned out that Sankey either isn't good or isn't ready, and there's proof of both in the subpar Titans pudding. Chad DNGAF, so he's wisely stashing Bishop on his bench. What else can you do?

14. Kendall - WR Cordarelle Patterson, Minnesota Vikings

Sexy, sexy Patterson. His hotness meant he should've gone earlier. His production to date is less clear. Kendall was wise to sell him as part of the trade that moved Jennings from Russ, as he is the kind of player you have to start, but will be maddeningly variant in his touches/targets/points. If only we could assume that Norval knew what to do with him, he would be a dynamite fantasy commodity. But the assumption of rational coaching is growing to be one of the bigger pitfalls in this hobby of ours, and OC Turner is rivaling Pep Hamilton for the title of Crown King Nothing.

Bye Week Hell

Donald Brown, Justin Forsett, Matt Asiata, Khiry Robinson, Allen Hurns, and Shonn Greene are merely some of the shitshow starts the CKL is hoping on in this, the most hellacious bye week of all fantasy football time.

But we must press on. There are wins to be had, and for those of us not winning, there is the elusive blue-balls marathon of the quest for Jenna.

It's a big hat. It's funny.

What the hell is he doing on your team?

• Matt Prater
• Robert Woods
• Sio Moore
• Latavius Murray
• Christine Michael
• Damien Williams
• Scott Chandler
• Odell Beckham Jr.
• Donnie Avery
• Levine Toilolo
• Johnny Manziel
• Tyvon Branch
• Bjoern Werner
• Alex Smith
• Devonta Freeman
• Riley Cooper
• Jonathan Grimes
• Dwayne Bowe

WEEK 3 NUMBERS

finally

All-Play Table

• Yado: this is what everyone's win/loss record would be if we played every other team each week.
• Norris' juggernaut leads defending champ Chad by three games on the first all play table of the season.
• The six teams above .500 are our current playoff teams.
• Perhaps Kirk is due a name change? I'm thinking something like Consistent Missonary Position?
• Mark's standard deviation of 41.02 is simply wild. That's what happens when you score 119.8 in Week 1 and follow that up with a Lame-worthy 38.6 in Week 2. This is the lowest score in the league since I have decent records starting in 2008. It's possibly the lowest score ever in the history of the league. Enjoy that.
• Derrick crawls back down into the basement he's called home the last two seasons.

Luck Table

• Yado: This is a table that shows have many games more or less than average your team has won based on the all-play table above. It shows how lucky you are based on the schedule you've played.
• Yado: enjoy your luck while it lasts.
• Week 4 showdown between Ben and Russ features two of the most unlucky teams through three weeks the league has ever seen. Just another reason to hope for a tie.

Jenna Von Oÿ Table

• Yado: you saw Blossom once or twice growing up, right? Oh, you have the complete series on Blue Ray? Cool, then I can quit explaining.
• From THUNDER BEAR down: we in trouble.

Definitely not a handful, but we can work with this.