Ben is a CEO so doing this bullshit preview every week is fucking tough. So I came up with the idea to try it as a conversation over text message. That way we both look super busy to the suits or underlings depending. Here is how that played out.
Kirk: Okay Ben let's get to it. 4:00 PM
Thunder Bear vs. Pink Nightmare
ESPN Gameline: Kendall by 26.6
Kirk: Without looking at the teams. Who wins? 4:00 PM
Ben: Really? Starting with the so dunderhead pitch, huh? 4:05 PM
Ben: Pink by a mile. 4:05 PM
Ben: Without looking at teams - Kendall's history plus Nate's draft = big nightmare win. 4:06 PM
Ben:: But...pulling for the underdog. Under-dawg! 4:07 PM
Ben: Also *soft underhand pitch is that horrendous correction for the earlier auto-correct. Ugh! 4:09 PM
Kirk: You're right Kendall wins. Nathan screwed up his draft. I think that is why he didn't play cats in the cradle or what ever that game Rookie made up play on Saturday night. 4:12 PM
Ben: Next year we play "Light as a feather, stiff as a board." 4:13 PM
Ben: Has Nate traded or pick up enough players to field a full team? 4:11 PM
Kirk: Let me check..... 4:12 PM
Kirk: He still needs a kicker and a Defensive player. If I didn't know better I would assume he was drunk 4:13 PM
Kirk: Do you have any comments on Carson Palmer as a starting QB? 4:18 PM
Ben: I'll reserve judgement, Palmer going off against Kendall would be amazing. 4:20 PM
Ben: Also, before I forget, Calcutron somehow invented a mathematical analysis of women on draft weekend: Personality to Assets Ratio. Love it. 4:21 PM
Kirk: Okay on to the next one.... 4:21 PM
The Sexy Badasses vs Hezballers
ESPN Gameline: Yado by 9.6
Kirk: AKA me vs. Yado 4:24 PM
Kirk: Yado is Romo, Steven Jackson, D Thomas, Percy Harvin, CJ Spiller, and Zach Ertz 4:24 PM
Kirk: I am A Rodgers, AP, Keenan Allen, Cecil Shorts (In for the Molly popping $100 waving Wes Welker), Toby Gerhart, and Chicago's TE what's his name 4:26 PM
Ben: Only slightly tougher. Sexy will roll over Hezzy to begin a season of "the cupboard was bare" comments from Yado. 4:49 PM
Ben: Is it weird to be Wilbur free in the CKL? 4:51 PM
Kirk: Only if you think it's weird to be free of an STD. 4:52 PM
Kirk: I mean I liked what we did to get the STD, but I’d rather not have it burn when I pee. 4:53 PM
Ben: Urination has burned for so long, I don't know what to think without it...? 4:53 PM
Kirk: "Oh is this how other people live without having to deal with a pain in their dick?" 4:54 PM
Ben: You mean open sores on your genitalia isn't normal? 4:54 PM
Ben: What's your expectation for Rodgers? 4:54 PM
Kirk: I think Rodgers will be strong this year. I want to say that QBs age like wine but then Rodgers will get his head clipped on the first series. 4:55 PM
Kirk: What do you think about Romo this year? 4:57 PM
Ben: Hmmm. Well, he has targets, but there is just something I don't trust about Romo. Just don't like him for some reason. 5:03 PM
Ben: This is where you insert the Doc Holiday clip from Tombstone where he says Ringo reminds him of himself and that he definitely hates him. 5:04 PM
Kirk: I'll take care of that....
Kirk: Onward... 5:18 PM
Sex Panther vs. The Magic Stick
Russ by 10.4
Kirk: Yeah Rookie is now Sex Panther 5:18 PM
Kirk: Sex Panther: Manning, LeVeon Hell (RB), Randall CornCobb (WR), DeAndre Hopkins (WR), Frank Gore (RB), Kyle Rudolph (TE) 5:20 PM
Kirk: Dick Stick: Cam Newton (QB/RB), LeSean McCoy (RB), Rashad Jennings (RB), Jordy Nelson (WR), Torrey Smith (WR), Charles Clay (TE) 5:21 PM
Kirk: Question 1: Am I justified in my anger towards Rookie for using the word Sex in his team name? 5:22 PM
Kirk: I wouldn't use Jesus in my team name, or Pink, or Thunder... 5:26 PM
Kirk: I took an incident where I said something stupid, it was repeated, and I decided to own. Rookie is Johnny Cum Later to the party. 5:28 PM
Kirk: I get the Panther Carolina connection....but fucking Rookie! 5:29 PM
Ben: Is that the men's fragrance name from Anchorman? 5:31 PM
Kirk: Yeah he's got the picture as his logo and everything. 5:32 PM
Kirk: It's very weak 5:32 PM
Ben: No, remember, the fragrance is very strong...oh, you mean Rookie's team and name. Yes, yes it is very weak. 6:58 PM
Kirk: The amount of time I had to wait for that was impressive. 6:58 PM
Kirk: It aged like wine though 6:59 PM
Kirk: It was twice as funny initially 6:59 PM
Ben: So, who did we pick? 7:02 PM
Ben: I would go Magic Stick. 7:02 PM
Kirk: I say Russ over Rookie 7:02 PM
Ben: In the "Change Your Name Bowl"? 7:02 PM
Kirk: Love it. 7:03 PM
Kirk: Okay….
GlitterFisting and Double-O Daddy
Patrick by 12.7
Kirk: (which is in fact a BDSM website devoted to training twin littles). 7:44 PM
Kirk: Little known fact (to the CKL) not so much to his 34,000 followers on twitter. 7:44 PM
Kirk: Patty Cakes has Brady (QB), Foster (RB), Dezy Bry (WR), Dre Johnson (WR), Ben Tate (RB), and Greg Olsen (TE) 7:46 PM
Kirk: Chaddles has Nick Foles (QB), Alfred Morris (RB of the Racistskins), Antonio Brown (WR), Emmanuel Sanders (WR), Bernard Pierce (RB), and Jordan Reed (TE) 7:47 PM
Kirk: Q2: Nick Foles...should I care? 7:48 PM
Ben: Answer to Q2: No, sophomore slump pending. Defenses will be ready. 8:00 PM
Ben: Still gotta go with the champ here. 8:00 PM
Ben: Like the team and like the less offensive smartassness coming from Chad. Smartass, nonetheless, just appreciate Chad's smartassness a little more. 8:02 PM
Ben: Say that 5 times fast! 8:02 PM
Kirk: Ha!...I'm going with Pat's dick here. Foles in Jacksonville or Brady in Miami. I think Brady is under represented in the spread. And I am not a Bernard Pierce fan. 8:04 PM
Kirk: Okay let's do your game. 8:05 PM
Barclay Street Bruisers vs. Jesus the Moose
ESPN Gameline: Paul by 5.2
Kirk: Barclay Street Bruisers vs. Jesus the Moose. 8:06 PM
Kirk: Paul: Dalton (QB), Montee Ball (RB) Alshon Jeffery (WR), MIke Wallace (WR) , Julius Thomas (TE), Andre Ellington (RB) 8:07 PM
Kirk: You: Brees (QB), Marshawn Lynch (RB), Megatron (WR), Pierre "The Frenchie" Garcon (RB), Sammy Watkins (WR), Jason Witten (TE) 8:08 PM
Ben: Game of the week? I'd like to think so. 8:09 PM
Kirk: Q3: Bigger burn Wes Welker getting suspended for taking Molly or Johnny Football not getting the initial start for the Cleve 8:09 PM
Ben: Welker for sure. Manziel was never a starter and kind of a draft day reach. 8:10 PM
Kirk: You are correct. That was a balls pick by you. I would also like to say that Paul did some balls out drafting and was my favorite draft. Just saying 8:12 PM
Ben: I love my team. Can't pick against them. 8:12 PM
Kirk: You can't pick against yourself but I am going to. Wallace is a curse on Paul's team, but everybody else seems solid. 8:13 PM
Ben: Judas! 8:14 PM
Ben: Brutus! 8:14 PM
Ben: Mother fucking bitch! 8:14 PM
Kirk: The Frenchie is your curse on your team, and he plays for the Skins. Double Curse. 8:14 PM
Kirk: You are running 3 wide too. Triple Curse. 8:15 PM
Kirk: Mother fucking sword in the belly. 8:15 PM
Ben: I might play Moreno... 8:16 PM
Kirk: Sammy Watkins <<<<< Know Show Moreno. But then you have a cup and I don't even have the Quilt any more. 8:17 PM
Kirk: Shonn Greene is on your team too. Quad Curse. 8:18 PM
Ben: Wait. Watkins less than Moreno? 8:18 PM
Ben: That one does hurt - Greene. 8:19 PM
Ben: I threw up in my mouth when his name came out at the draft. 8:20 PM
Kirk: Just remind yourself he was a good value at the time. 8:20 PM
Kirk: I did for half a season 8:20 PM
Kirk: Til I sold him to Allen for 3 rusty nails and an old Penthouse. 8:21 PM
Ben: What a steal! 8:22 PM
Kirk: Okay onward....
Blackpool Penguins vs Kick Azz Giants
ESPN Gameline: Norris by 22.6
Kirk: Norris (Nice Logo) Bunn: Luck (QB), DeMo Murray (RB), Julio Jones (WR), AJ Green (WR), Chris Johnon (RB), Vernon Davis (TE) 8:24 PM
Kirk: my dick hard just thinking about his team 8:24 PM
Kirk: Old Man Doc: Kaepernick (say that 5 times fast), Ryan Mathews (RB), DeSean Jackson (RB), Marques Colston (WR), Shane Vereen (RB), Gronk (TE) 8:25 PM
Kirk: And I'm flaccid again... 8:26 PM
Ben: Oh, don't lie. It was thoughts of Norris and his 30-day improvement programs that caused your boner. 8:26 PM
Kirk: I talked to Norris for 45 minutes at Dave and Busters. I truly believe he rides a fucking rainbow to work everyday. 8:27 PM
Ben: On a unicorn. 8:28 PM
Kirk: And his family waving to him in the background. 8:28 PM
Ben: You're the best daddy EVER! 8:29 PM
Kirk: He's probably hung like a fucking horse too. 8:29 PM
Ben: Like a unicorn. 8:29 PM
Kirk: God he's perfect. 8:29 PM
Kirk: So we're going Norris on this one right? 8:30 PM
Ben: Yep. And his team will win. 8:30 PM
Kirk: haha....okay last one....
The Champeens vs. Voodoo Brown
ESPN Gameline: Joe by 2.6
Kirk: Markie Mark: Stafford (QB), Matt Forte (RB), Victor Cruz (WR), Reggie Wayne (WR), Eddie Lacy (RB), Dwayne Allen (TE) 8:31 PM
Kirk: Joey Joe: Jay Cutler (QB), Zac Stacy (RB), Doug Martin (RB), Larry Fitz (WR), Hakeem Nicks (WR), Jimmy Jam (TE) 8:33 PM
Ben: Every time I see Joe's team name I think of 2 Live Crew. 8:32 PM
Ben: Do I need to recite the 2LC lyric? 8:33 PM
Kirk: Yes Please. 8:34 PM
Ben: "Lick my ass, up and down. Lick it 'til your tongue turns Voodoo Brown. 8:35 PM
Ben: Of course they say doo doo. 8:35 PM
Kirk: Love it. Oh 2 live crew. So of your time 8:36 PM
Kirk: Q5: Larry Fitzgerald does he suck as much as Hakeem Nicks now? 8:36 PM
Ben: Answer to Q5: Maybe, but at least he had a dominant career instead of a year or two. 9:05 PM
Ben: Tough call on the winner here. 9:05 PM
Ben: Fulton should take it. 9:07 PM
Ben: You are right, 3-wide is a tough sell. 9:08 PM
Kirk: It is. I like Mark in a tough day. I also like Joe starting off with a loss. It’s the first spark of the fire sale. 9:10 PM
Ben: I also hear Joe will be selling a pair of nice shoes for cheap if he loses. 9:11 PM
Kirk: That one is over my head. 9:12 PM
Ben: Inside joke. Joe was always selling a pair of shoes back in the day. 9:12 PM
Ben: Seriously, I am interested to see if the Muscle Hamster has a rebound year. 9:13 PM
Ben: Joe's team has potential. 9:13 PM
Ben: Just a lot of risk, too. 9:14 PM
Kirk: It does. I offered Joe my line up last year for Doug Martin. I want to like Joe's team. I just don't because Joe is running it. 9:14 PM
Kirk: Okay man. Thanks for this. Talk to you next week. 9:17 PM
Ben: Thanks for posting it. I like the format, but let's see how it translates to the web. Have fun! 9:18 PM
Good stuff, guys!
ReplyDeleteThe format worked for me.
Love this format. So many quality ripjobs, including a deserved appreciation of my draft non-strategy. At least I got to drink four, maybe six beers.
ReplyDeleteYeah this is great. For the record, I'm a fan of the Rookie's new team name. But nothing will top Nth Degree.
ReplyDeletePencil me in as a person tho thought/thinks that Nth Degree is fucking lame. Almost anything is better than that dumb shit.
ReplyDeleteI miss the Nth Degree, but it's not coming back.
ReplyDeleteAlso, loved the text format. Good stuff gents!
ReplyDelete