How to Be Irrelevant for A Decade (and counting!) - A Comprehensive Guide

Kendall Howell is a goddamned CHAMPION and that’s all there is to it.  He’s got that 4-chip swag everywhere he goes.  You guys should have seen that Hoakie manager of Waffle House stumbling all over himself last weekend as he feebly tried to impress us with his business cards for free waffles.  That was all because Kendall was there.  The dude has won 4 cups and probably could have won a couple more.  He's humble about it all, but you gotta respect how he carries it.

Now, as he enters his “One for The Thumb” season, Kendall has assembled a fearsome set of keepers - and he traded away Calvin Johnson and he didn’t even keep Tom Brady!  I’m gonna get off his nuts now, but I wanted to acknowledge his recent piece, How to Win the Cup - A Comprehensive Guide, Kendall's greatest gift to fantasy football.  This is a must read for anyone seriously trying to win at this confounded obsession of ours.  For the rest of you, I present: How to Be Irrelevant for A Decade (and counting!) - A Comprehensive Guide.  

Disclaimer:  This will be nowhere near as thoughtful or well written as Kendall’s piece!





Dale Jr’s Do’s ‘n’ Dont’s


-- DON’T attend the live draft. You're too cool for that sausage-fest, ya corncob!

-- DO draft online and spend most of your time boasting about your level of inebriation, looking at pornhub, and bitching about how long everyone else is taking.

-- DO make ESPN your go-to spot for all player research and analysis.  Those guys never miss.

-- DON’T be afraid to draft a defense in the 3rd round.

-- DO draft the player you think you should take rather than the player you want.

-- DRUNK TRADE OFFERS!!!!

-- DO draft Mike Shanahan running backs.

-- DO value your players so highly you can never make trades.

-- DO change your team name almost every season.  It's hilarious!

-- DON’T reach out to other owners or try to get to know them.

-- DO lock-in your lineup on Friday.  That guy who’s questionable? Yeah he’s gonna play. 

-- DON’T worry about late Sunday scratches.  It’s not like a player has ever been benched for missing curfew on Saturday night because he was getting blown by a groupie.  Nah, that never happens.

-- DO fall in love with rookie running backs and receivers.

-- DON’T worry about finding that franchise quarterback.

-- DO play in a bunch of other leagues.

-- DON’T post on the message boards (lots of queers on there!).

-- DO reach for that wide receiver from the Ravens.  Can't miss!

-- DO reach for that running back from the Packers.  Ditto!

-- Is Brett Favre still on the board?

-- No? What about Mark Sanchez?

-- Matt Leinart?

-- Ok I'll take Donovan McNabb.

-- DO start two receivers from the same team.

-- DON’T make trades.  That’s scary!

-- DO stockpile backup running backs.

-- DO HANDCUFF EVERYONE.

-- DO roster a lot of players from your favorite team.

-- DO cash-in your chips early, trade for the future, and "play for next year."

-- DON’T trust your gut.

-- DO spend your FAAB money like Warren Sapp spent his real money.

and finally...

-- DON’T suck, or you’ll go the way of John, Joe-Joe, Tom, and bsteele2die4 (RIP, my brothers!).  So long, suckers, you can’t be the CKL’s reigning king of irrelevance if you’re no longer in the league!!!