Hey kids. Sorry for my tardiness, yet again. I hope the suspense was killing you and that this was miraculously worth the wait.
Yes, uglier than this!
Blackpool Penguins (1-2) vs. Sic Semper Tyrannis Rex (1-2)
ESPN Game line: Blackpool by 2
Fortunately for them, these guys have no byes in week one. Unfortunately for Rookie, we already know that Sam Bradford and Tavon Austin both shit the bed against the 49ers. That tells me that things could get real ugly in this one.
I look down the Penguin roster and get alternating feelings of euphoria and disgust - plenty to love off-set by occasional vomit taste. Rookie's guys don't move the needle until you hit the defense, so I feel a beat down coming. Maybe not a score as low as the JU last week (BTW - thanks for that logo change Alan), but the sledding looks tough for TRex.
Blackpool by 20+
Champeens (1-2) vs. Magic Stick (2-1)
ESPN Line: Stick by 4
The Massengill is on the line and you know these guys are fire up to rinse out their vagina and smell spring fresh in week 4. I imagine some serious cobwebs and all-around stank-ness need to be vanquished since last year.
The Bye Week Bug starts hitting us all this week and it appears the Stick will feel the sting most in this one. No Jordy and no Cam. Flacco may pull his weight, but no way does Emmanual Sanders make you happy as a starter. Mark isn't missing anyone extremely important, but has to worry about depending on Cecil Shorts and Jaquizz Rodgers.
My heart says 'Peens, but a topless mythical creature says Stick. How can you argue with a nude half woman - half horse? Stick by a cobweb.
Sexy Badasses (3-0) vs. Double O-Daddy (2-1)
ESPN Line: Sexy B's by 6
Is anyone else starting to think maybe this is Kirk's year? The undefeated record seems to support it. The sexy players looking sexy and the badass players looking badass like the idea. Even the change in name and logo hint at positive change. All that paired with a ringer on draft day and I'd say it will make you think.
But this week is questionable. Rodgers on a bye will surely help Chad, which I think will be all the difference. Peterson against anyone is painful, but with Jammy C facing the so far hapless Giants, I don't think that is a problem. Hartline has surprised, but Brown just showed huge upside. Rice and Johnson both seem past prime, but serviceable. And the rest just seems like a mishmash of chances and luck.
So, I like Chad (not as a person, just in this matchup - no, not really. I love Chad!). Daddy by 5 or so.
Thunder Bear (2-1) at Jesus the Moose (1-2)
ESPN Gameline: Ben by 28.6
I don't know if its right that I should assume that Ben is going to win. This is what is fucking with the those of us Moose Country Loyal. It just doesn't seem right. That being said Ben is looking good this week. Brees (QB) is playing at home against Miami. Lynch (RB) is running against Houston. Megatron (Decepticon) is running at home against the Bears. Gore (Old) has already posted some good numbers at the Rams. It looks like a walk.
Nathan has a team that I like but would not want to own. First of all RG3 (QB) would scare the dog piss out of me every week. He has been pretty good (lower 1st tier) with W1: 21.4, W2: 23.9, and W3: 14.7. He's got a lot of well advertised talent but the injury and the fact he is a Redskin makes him the equivalent of dating an Irish Ginger. Sure you'll have fun for a while but sooner or later she's going get drunk and knife you.
Reggie Bush (RB) as a Lion and it just doesn't seem right. I love Reggie "Smoke a da" Bush from when he almost lifted the Heels to a cup, but a Lion? It just seems unnatural. And typically when I think of things as being unnatural, nature soon after ends it. For Example: I liked Clear Pepsi, but nature fucking hated it and end that crazy ass shit.
Yeah Yeah Yeah.... Doug Martin (RB), Brandon Marshall (WR), V Jaxs (TE), it just isn't enough to over come Ben.
Ben by 15
Voodoo Browns (1-2) at Juris United (1-2)
ESPN Gameline: Alan by 4.1
Joe hasn't made the big trade yet and next week is the last week of my prediction. For those new readers, I predicted in the first week that Joe will trade Luck (QB), Jimmy Graham (TE), and/or Trent Richardson (RB) by week 4-5. That will happen this week after he loses to Alan. Book it.
Joe gave up on the Giants running game when dropped De-Rel Scott (RB) for Hillman (RB) this week. He also pulled a Kirk this week in bottom barreling with Malcolm Floyd (WR). I have had Floyd on my team 7 or 8 times over the years and he has never, not one time, paid off for me. I get what Joe is doing here and it makes sense with Fitzgerald kinda injured, but it won't happen. I wish you better luck Joe but let's face it, you have no luck.
Alan has been a on minor pickup tear this week.
Burleson (WR) for Johnathan Franklin (RB)
Dropped Fred Davis (TE) for Ted Ginn (WR)
Akers (K) for Succop (K)
Wake (DE) for Mathis (LB).
Franklin and Ginn are on bye and may turn out to be flashes in the pan but I give Alan credited for making some "hold'em" pickups.
In truth though the only thing different about Alan's team in terms of personnel from last week, when he scored 49.2 total points, is that he has a new kicker and a new LB. However the match-ups are lot better.
Ben "fuck a helmet" Roethlisburgermistergrankister faces the Vikings.
MJD (RB) is home against Indy.
Double Dwayne Bowe (WR) is home against the hapless Giants.
De-marry-us Thomas (WR) at home against the Eagles.
Eddie Royal (WR) at home with the Cowboys.
Three of these guys should pop, and I see that as being enough to send Joe's team to the trading block and being auctioned off for magic beans.
Alan will win by a puff of smoke or 1, whichever is less.
Clitterfist Laserworms (1-2) at Barclay Street Bruisers (2-1) ESPN Gameline: Paul by 18
Remember when Paul and Patrick made a trade last week. Remember when Patrick "won" out of the trade based on the numbers. Remember when I said Paul was too smart to be dumb. Hey Remember that $5 you owe me. Yeah...going be needing that...
Patrick...Ahmad Bradshaw (RB) is out this week and doesn't really matter anymore since Trent Richardson (RB) is playing for Indy now. You need to trade him out for some on the bench.
Let's see who you can trade him out for...
Nate Washington (WR)..snicker - TM Kendall Howell
Santonio Holmes (WR)...wow...yeah...
And you have the double dick fuck position of trying to decide so you go with the Questionable Ray Rice (RB) or the lesser Baltimore RB Bernard Pierce. Good luck with that one.
And on this side...Paul has Peyton (QB), Boldin's (WR) 15 points, Kendrell Thompkins (WR), Julius Thomas (TE), Giovani Bernard (RB), and Darren "Piece of Shit" Sproles (RB). It's not perfect but it is young & sexy, and this week Patrick is going to out think himself. Paul rolls.
Paul by 10
Pink Nightmare (3-0) at Kick Azz Giants (0-3)
ESPN Gameline: Kendall by 11.2
Dad once Gronk is back you'll be a lot stronger team than your record suggests. But until then you will be about 5-10 points less because you paid the price for healthy Gronk at the expense of a more rounded team. But that is not why you are going to lose this week. You're going to lose because you are playing Kendall, and Kendall technically has already secured bye in the playoffs.
It's time. Three weeks of results are in the books, which always makes me think of crunching some numbers. Same deal as last year. As always, if there is anything else you'd like to see, or if you have any request of historical trends/records, just ask.
Annual Primer:
the All Play table is sorted by each team's win/loss record if the CKL were set up to play every other team each week. Top is good, bottom is bad.
The +/- table is a representation of scheduling "luck". The score is the difference between your team's actual wins and its average wins, based on the All Play table.The higher your +/- score, the "luckier" you are based on matchups
The Jenna Von Oÿ table shows the current standings for the last playoff position, which is based on total points scored by the 9 teams not currently in the playoff bracket (essentially, seeds 6 through 14). Lead this table at the end of the year, and you're in the big show.
2013 Week 3 All Play Table
Notes:
Its not terribly surprising to see Kendall atop this list. Dude owns this league. Highest total points/average, highest high, and highest low. Miguel Cabrera type shit.
It is rather shocking to see Russell in Riker's chair, though, and only three games back. I have a feeling this is his highest showing ever.
Eight teams with winning records, only six with losing ones. The Bruisers are the only 2012 playoff team with a current sub-.500 record.
Kendall is better than anyone is bad. That's just a really awkward way to point out that he has less losses than anyone has wins. Last year at this point, Derrick only had one win. Brutal. Its not much better for him and Alan this year, but at least he's not in the cellar.
Kurt is the most variable to this point, with a gaudy 38.81 standard deviation. A high of 134.7 and a low of 62.0 will do that to you.
On the flip-side, Joe is showing unprecedented precision with his weekly totals. All in the range of 2.7 points. Weird. And unsustainable (hopefully).
2013 Week 3 +/-
Notes:
There usually isn't too much on the extreme side of the luck table this early in the season. Kirk has the clear lead, though, clearly earning a "lucky" win over Alan's dick-after-a-swim-in-the-pool of a performance this week past. No one else has too many bounces, good or bad.
Its nice to see Joe on the positive side of this table, even by a measly tenth.
Ben, who bedded JVO last year and used the accompanying moxy to earn his first Cup, has the early lead on her again. Clearly she liked what you delivered, Mr. Bledsoe. Did you pee on her back or something!?
No one is out of it yet, but Rookie, Derrick and Alan better start scoring points and/or winning, or their seasons will be over before they begin.
Look who's back in the motherfuckin' house, with a bit fat dick for your motherfuckin' mouth.
You know what this is. It's the YouTube clip that serves as this week's soundtrack. Click on the triangle and let the sounds wash over you...
Double it. Double it. Double it. Double it. Double it. Double it. Double it. Double it. Double it. Double it. Double it. Double it. Double it. Double it.
That choice was my ode to Nathan, obviously.
Here's what some other douche with a blog that talks about songs that involve the days of the week had to say about it:
Fischerspooner is duo who formed in 1998 and consists of Warren Fischer and Casey Spooner. They have a techno sound called electroclash which is a combination of new wave and electronica dance music. This song is definitely one you should listen to with the head phones on. A catchy techno beat if you ask me but not very complicated lyrics. Why is the song called Wednesday? No idea.
Lyrics:
Double it Double it Double it
I feel like I‘m still there I feel like I‘m still there I feel like I‘m there
Okay, sounds good. Whatever.
Stats.
-- 16 claims -- 11 cash claims -- $65 total FAAB money spent -- $5.91 average per cash grab
On Friday ("Friday, Friday, gettin' down on Friday") we talked about how dick jokes and shit jokes are all I've got. Today, my mission is to be profanely awesome with: a) zero dick jokes, and b) zero shit jokes. This is called a challenge, y'all. This is called self-betterment. I am improving myself. I am growing as a person, becoming a better human being. Ben the CEO and Mark the Brewmaster can join me. The rest of you clubfoots and harelips can piss and moan and squabble over petty FAAB bids, as such:
Jonathan Franklin -- $15 to Alan
Dropped: Nasty Nate Burleson
Other Bids: $1 to Nathan, $0 to Rookie
Does anybody think that after the Packers' bye, Jo-Frank is anything other than Eddie Lacy's backup? Well, looks like one of us thinks that Franklin might be something more. Alan, this claim was weirder than the picture of the family wearing nude costumes that you're forcing us to caption. Not really, but that picture was super weird. I'm sure the dad hand-made those costumes, and I'm sure he made the dick way bigger than his actual dick. BRAAAAAAAAAAP! Dick joke! Strike one! Fuck! Well, one slip-up. That's okay, right. Actually, two slip-ups. Check the very first line of this post, before the Fischerspooner video.Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck! Alan, Jonathan Franklin, ugh. Bad. He did look pretty good running against the Bengals' better-than-anyone-wants-to-give-credit-for defense, so that saves you from the F.
ClaimGrade: D-minus
Ronnie Hillman -- $9 to Joe
Dropped: Da'Rel Scott
Other Bids: $0 to Nathan
I almost made a bid on Hillman (probably in the $3 vicinity), until I remembered that a) Moreno is better in pass pro, and b) Montee Ball is their hotshot rookie. To score that late touchdown, Hillman won the game of paper-rock-scissors (or as the shitmouths would say "Rochambo") played among the Denver runners. BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! Shit joke! Strike two! Shit joke? Where? "Shitmouths." Look back at the last sentence you wrote. Oh, fuck. This is harder than I thought it'd be. Well, at least it's allowing me to formalize a conversation with myself. Speaking of one-on-one convos with one's self... Joe, you might have wanted a word with that itchy trigger finger of yours. Not for blasting bucks and firing off good bullets, or for picking up Hillman, because he's clearly part of the action in the best offense ever conceived by modern man (:eyeroll:), but $9 was a steep price. Naked eye non sequitur: Remember when G.I. Joe's only cost $1.50? Remember when Denver 3rd string running backs were free?
ClaimGrade: C-minus
Damn right.
Rant: I already have talking-heads-spewing-mouth-jism-over-the-Denver-Offense fatigue, and it's week 4. BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP! Dick joke! *sigh* Mouth-jism, it's a dick joke. Right? Strike three, you're fucking out! Just as well.
Blah BlahBlah -- $101 to Satan
Dropped:
Other Bids:
Comments
ClaimGrade:
Ted Ginn -- $8 to Alan
Dropped: Fred Davis
Other Bids: $0 to Nathan
Maybe he matters. He seems to have some decent deepball synergy with Cam. But then again, yep, it's still Ted Ginn. Use sickle cell technology to grow some legs on a tampon, and then teach it to run... Alan, would you bid eight bucks on the tampon?
ClaimGrade: C
Ted Ginn's route tree.
Runner-up caption: This pic is now saved as filename "TedGinn" on my computer.
Honorable mention: Instructions on how to use Ted Ginn to stop menstrual bleeding.
Justin Houston -- $8 to Rookie
Dropped: Zach Brown
Other Bids: $6 to Alan, $6 to Nathan, $6 to Chad, $5 to Paul, $3 to Derrick, $1 to Joe
Give it time. Soon, Houston will be wrapping his own car around a tree and then checking himself into rehab. GET IT? BECAUSE HE'S THE NEW ALDON SMITH? Too sophisticated for you bozos, I guess. Meanwhile, this bid list reads like a who's who of CKL coaches who actually want to try to win this league. Embarassed I didn't join the fray. 'Grats to the Rookie for swimming through the shark tank to take a bite of Houston.
ClaimGrade: A
Justin Houston
Scott Chandler -- $7 to Ben
Dropped: Michael Floyd
Other Bids: $3 to Derrick
Yep, bye weeks are here.
ClaimGrade: meh
Donnie Avery -- $6 to Russ
Dropped: Harry Douglas
Other Bids: $1 to Joe, $1 to Nathan
I thought he'd be the hot claim of this week, maybe an $11 or $12 guy after that 141-yard explosion. But turns out, he's still Donnie Avery. Congrats, Russ! You just bought your running tampon for just $6! Just kidding, I think it's a pretty decent claim, especially if Avery is really going to be the underneath drag guy to play off of Bowe's downfield distraction. Checkdown Charlie Alex Smith has plenty of 7-yard passes in his pop-gun arm!
ClaimGrade: B+
Dumpster Diving...
Brian Hoyer, $4 to Kirk -- *snicker*
Zach Miller, $3 to Derrick -- Gronk will cure all ills.
Justin Hunter, $2 to Kendall -- Hey, it's not like the Titans have a million other receivers or anything! It's not like their quarterback is shitty! It's not like they're a run-first (and second, and third) team! FARTSOUND.
Alfonso Smith, $0 to Joe -- Joe has gone beyond kicking over rocks, and is now kicking over gravestones, milestones, cornerstones, cobblestones, coldstones, pumice stones, and kidney stones.
DeAngelo Hall, $0 to Patrick -- You just said "Beetlejuice" three times, bro.
Lance Dunbar, $0 to Nathan -- You know something I don't know, Nathan? Or is this just a hedge on DeMarco Murray's inevitable yeast infection?
Remaining Budgets
Blackpool Penguins -- $97
Glitterfist Lasersnakes -- $96
THUNDER BEAR -- $94
The Magic Stick -- $86
Jesus the Moose -- $83
The Sexy Badasses -- $81
Double-O Daddy -- $81
Kick Azz Giants -- $78
Juris United -- $76
The Champeens -- $76
Pink Nightmare -- $75
Sic Semper Tyrannis Rex -- $50
Voodoo Brown -- $45
Barclay Street Bruisers -- $34
Top-10 Biggest Claims of the Season
1) Willis McGahee -- $55 to Paul on 9/20/13
2) Felix Jones -- $21 to Rookie on 9/18/13
3) James Starks -- $20 to Joe on 9/18/13
4) E.J. Manuel -- $18 to Mark on 9/20/13
5) Jonathan Franklin -- $15 to Alan on 9/25/13
5) Donald Brown -- $15 to Kirk on 9/14/13
7) Coby Fleener -- $13 to Rookie on 9/20/13
8) Robert Turbin -- $11 to Paul on 9/18/13
8) Leonard Hankerson -- $11 to Derrick on 9/11/13
8) Marlon Brown -- $11 to Kendall on 9/11/13
That's it for this week's edition, but as always, remember...
Kirk: tough spot with your TE. If Davis doesn’t go at 4:25, you don’t have anyone to fill in for him. I’d consider picking someone up for Sidney Rice or Donald Brown. Actually, taking a look at it, I don’t see any good options. I agree that Ed Dickson isn’t worth starting over the 50/50 proposition VD goes. Hopefully this contest isn’t at close as a TE score.
And it wasn't. You dropped Donald Brown for VD's backup, who we all now know is a dude named Vance McDonald. He got you 0.6 points, but he could've scored negative ten and you'd still have scored a W.
Mark: I could see Welker disappointing this week and the rest of the year. He might not be on the field that much if the Broncos run two tight end sets to attempt to help new LT Chris Clark. I’d probably still start him over Shorts, though.
I'm an idiot. Don't ever consider benching Welker.
Derrick: gotta find a way to get Fred Jackson in the lineup.
And he outscored both your starting RBs. Will Spiller's injury, I'm betting we'll see FJax in the lineup for the foreseeable future.
Chad: flexing Charles Clay is ballsy. I’da rolled with Richardson, Givens or Gordon.
Damn. Josh Gordon. Bet you're glad you didn't need him and that you have him to start going forward. Damn.
Paul: not trust in Willis despite the high bid? Smart man.
Yes. Yes, indeed. Willis was a buy for the long-term future.
Ben: love your bench WRs.
Not great this week, but its nice having so many options, particularly with bye weeks starting up.
Rookie: The Eifert/Fleener decision might drive you mad each week.
And they both sucked. Doesn't make it any easier.
.
MY STUPID PHONE BROKE AND ITS THROWN A WRENCH INTO MY WHOLE WEEK. I KNOW,I SHOULD PRACTICE DETACHMENT AND ALL THAT. BUT THAT'S WHY THIS ARTICLE IS SO BARE BONES THIS WEEK.
LATES.
OH GAWD I DON'T KNOW WHY THIS PUBLISHED IN ALL CAPS. ITS NOT THE WAY I TYPED IT UP.
Back on a special day and time, iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit'sYOUR Friday FAABnalysis!
In light of the Trent Richardson trade from the nation's nifkin in Cleveland down the 70 to sunny Indianapolis, I knew we'd have a big ol' FAAB Friday. So I cleared my schedule, got fired from my job, smacked my horse, mainlined some Ollie's Bargain Outlet energy drinks (made with real splinters of fiberglass!), buttchugged some Robitussin, and am here to deliver your fucking goods. Get your dicks up, lovers, you are about to be BLOWN.
But first! Meaningless stats!
-- 11 claims -- 7 cash claims -- $96 total FAAB money spent -- $13.71 average per cash grab
Dick jokes and shit jokes, that's all I've got. Frankly, that's all I've ever had. But it's gotten me through 29 years of being the funniest motherfucker you've ever known, so you will greedily lap up the milk I'm about to spill. And by milk, I mean, OF COURSE, cum.
On to it.
Willis McGahee -- $55 to Paul dropped: Robert Turbin other bids: $38 to Patrick, $36 to Kirk, $31 to Norris, $21 to Ben, $18 to Alan, $11 to Nathan, $10 to Joe, $5 to Kendall
Okay, dick or shit? Flipping coin. Dick it is. Okay, so Willis McGahee being signed to step in and be the Browns' #1 runner? It's kind of like Courtney Love (Browns) paying Steven Tyler (McGahee) to come over and fuck her with that weird old twisted dick of his. The Browns are an ugly bitch, and McGahee is old as fuck (well, he's 31, but that's "old as fuck" in running back terms). However, it's not often that you can land a team's certain #1 running back in Friday FAAB, just like it's not often you'll have the chance to fuck a celebrity, no matter how busted-ass ugly. Paulie plunked down $55 for the crack at this match-made-in-hell, and I think he's getting a fairly legit CKL-level Flex starter out of the deal. I can't condemn this move, no matter how nasty the home video might be. I can't condemn it, but I can condom it, because that bitch has disease. It's a good claim. $55 is $17 more than Patty's $38 bid, however. Paul got a little bit spendy. ClaimGrade: B-minus (B+ for the claim, C-minus for being too spendy)
Fucking gross.
E.J. Manuel -- $18 to Mark dropped: Ronnie Hillman other bids: $17 to Kendall, $16 to Alan, $9 to Joe, $8 to Nathan
DAMN IT. I really thought $17 would win this auction. In fact, I was so sure, that I adjusted it down from $21 at 11:05 this morning. FUCK! Nice one, Mark. If you want to turn around and trade him, I'm your man. I need that 4th quarterback on my roster so bad it fucking hurts. As for the claim... honestly, I think this is the best FAAB claim up over $10 since this season began. Great work, Mr. Better Luck Next Year. EJM is a legit talent, one of the newly-vogued dual-threat QBs, a Virginia Beach product, a good dude, a hard worker, a winner, and infinitely keeper-worthy if the Bills get their shit together and land a true #1 wide receiver to complement Stevie Johnson and now Robert Woods. I have a feeling that Mark is joining me in secret Bills appreciation right now, so pass the red and blue kool-aid, my friend. It's all shots down the field and scrambles to the sideline. Good times and high fives. ClaimGrade: A+++
Fuck yeah! (Man, I fucking miss these tee-shirts.)
Coby Fleener -- $13 to Rookie dropped: Marcel Reece other bids: $12 to Nathan, $10 to Kendall, $5 to Joe, $2 to Derrick
Jury's out on whether or not Fleener's any good. But while we wait for him to decide, it's important to note that his name is not fucking Fleenor. It's Fleener. I've seen that fucking O pop up so many times it's making me sick. And not just here, but everywhere. National fantasy football writers think his name is Fleenor. Anyway, with that rant out of the way, I think Rookie got himself a good little deal here, a starter to place in a position where he really didn't have one. Again, not sure how good [or bad] Fleener is going to be, but at this point he's all the Colts have and should see a decent number of targets each week. Kudos to Rook for bidding exactly what he needed to bid to land his guy and not shitting his britches as per the standard. ClaimGrade: A
My dude apparently eats spinach out of his helmet. Can't think of a joke to go along with that, too lazy to care.
Dumpster Diving...
Patrick Willis, $3 to Norris -- Thief in the night type shit right here, Norris. While we were all having a dick-measuring contest over the skill position guys, you slipped in and raped our wives.
This is what a sexy badass looks like.
Aaron Dobson, $3 to Joe -- I'll be so pissed if he explodes into a legit WR2 while he's on your roster. I get punished for my lack of patience all the time... but never by Joe, the one person who is more impatient than me!
Chris Ogbonnaya, $3 to Nathan -- Love the Silent-G claim, but there's a lot of white noise about Bobby Rainey being the real reason they were willing to deal T-Rich.
Brandon Bolden, $0 to Nathan -- This is what patience looks like. It was the right move. RIP, Airwolf.
Remaining Budgets Juris United -- $100 Blackpool Penguins -- $97 Glitterfist Lasersnakes -- $96
THUNDER BEAR -- $94 The Magic Stick -- $92
Jesus the Moose -- $91 The Sexy Badasses -- $85 Kick Azz Giants -- $84 Double-O Daddy -- $81 The Champeens -- $78
Pink Nightmare -- $77 Sic Semper Tyrannis Rex -- $58 Voodoo Browns -- $54
Barclay Street Bruisers -- $34
Top-10 Biggest Claims of the Season 1) Willis McGahee -- $55 to Paul on 9/20/13
2) Felix Jones -- $21 to Rookie on 9/18/13 3) James Starks -- $20 to Joe on 9/18/13
4) E.J. Manuel -- $18 to Mark on 9/20/13 5) Donald Brown -- $15 to Kirk on 9/14/13
6) Coby Fleener -- $13 to Rookie on 9/20/13 7) Robert Turbin -- $11 to Paul on 9/18/13 7) Leonard Hankerson -- $11 to Derrick on 9/11/13 7) Marlon Brown -- $11 to Kendall on 9/11/13 10) Aldon Smith -- $10 to Chad on 9/18/13
That's it for this special edition, but as always, remember...
Barclay Street Bruisers at Jesus the Moose ESPN Gameline: Ben by 10
I waited for the McGahee (RB) bid off to file this report and I'm glad I did. Welcome to the all new Barclay Street Bruisers as Paul made big trades and big investments to push his team into the elite bracket Paul over the last week has quickly and in an unabashed way pushed his team into a brave new world. On Wednesday he dropped EJ Manual (QB) to pick up Robert Turbin (RB). Kendall talked about this Wednesday FAABnalysis -- 9/18/13. If you haven't read it, then do so because its a good take. Then on Thursday, Paul traded away...
Russell Wilson (QB)
his beloved Ray Rice (RB)
Eric Decker (WR)
Bernard Price (RB)
He got...
Peyton Manning, QB
Darren Sproles, RB
Justin Blackmon, WR
Danny Woodhead, RB
I ran this trade through the KFFL trade analyzer and they said Paul should not have done the trade, stating... Ray Rice is the most valuable player involved in this trade. Peyton Manning is the most valuable QB involved in this trade.
In a 14 team league, I would recommend being careful about trading away a RB. If Ray Rice is a top RB on Team 2, then they might be wise to reconsider this trade.
Overall, I think Team 2 is giving the most in this deal. The margin appears to be a significant difference. Team 2 should decline this trade.
However I think Paul is more cunning than that. I have on several occasions talked about Paul being a shrewd fantasy player. Paul is a Baltimore fan and knows more about the team than anyone else in the league. Paul dumped all of his stock in the team. When I see an insider selling I think it's probably time to get out the market. Then today Paul made it rain for Willis McGahee (RB) with a $55 dollar bid. That a lot of money but that's not the headline. To pick up Willis McGahee (RB), Paul dropped Robert Turbin (RB) who he had just bought on Wednesday. This means that Paul effectively spent $66 for Willis McGahee. It's a big roll of the dice on a Free Agent signed to the Browns but I get it. (I put up $36 on McGahee (RB) and was prepared to drop Donald Brown (RB) who I just paid $15 for. If Paul can shore up his RB troop than he'll have a team that is pretty well balanced out. All that being said, Paul is a least 2 - 3 weeks out from having this team prepared for battle with Blackmon (WR) out until week 4 and McGahee needing a week or two to get back in the swing of things. Ben however is ready to play now and he will win. Ben by 15+ Blackpool Penguins vs. Kick Azz Giants ESPN Gameline: Norris by 7.1 I haven't talked about Doc this year so I requested this game. Dad's team is pretty solid. David Wilson (WR) I think will play off, DeSean Jackson (WR) and Steven Ridley (RB are solid and with Richardson going to the Colts I think Reggie Wayne's (WR) value increases. Doc has a dicey situation with Gronk (TE). Grank (TE) is gametime and Doc's temp TE Dwayne Allen (TE) is on IR, so Gronk has to play to keep Doc in the game. Norris has Brady (QB), Spiller (RB), Julio Jones (WR), DeMarco Murray (RB), Torrey Smith (WR) and Cook (TE). He's in a much better position going into this week so I give him the edge, but Dad should make it closer than it presently appear. Norris by 5ish. Sic Semper Tyrannis Rex vs. The Magic Stick ESPN Gameline: Rookie by 9.3
Rookie made a move on Coby Fleenor this week and it was probably a solid get. The Tyler Effect (TE) has not played out yet but I still have hope for him long term. Bradford (QB) played well last week and this week is going to be airing out against the Cowboys. I love Lamar Miller (RB) still so I am on that band wagon. Austin (WR), Colston (WR), and McFadden (RB) are okay, but Rookie's biggest problem right now is outside of Bradford no one has been top-notch spectacular. This is a blue collar team and if everyone doesn't come to work then Rookie will suffer. Russ on the other hand has some big names Cam Newton (QB), LeSean McCoy (RB), Larry Fitz (WR) , Jordy Nelson (WR), DeAngelo Williams (RB), Tony G (TE). Anyone of these guys could break off for 20+ points. If Russ can get 2-3 to pop off it should a long day for Rookie. Again I pull for Russ's victory, and hopefully he will lose just to spite me. Russ by 12.
So, I feel pretty bad about missing my side of this write-up last week, so yeah, I sorry. Life just seems to get more and more complicated and for whatever reason, I decide to let fun things slide. You know the type of thing that might help ease the weight of adult responsibility and lighten your mood through some healthy insults of close friends and their make-believe american football franchises?
Anyway, apologies to the eight of you that didn't get any attention last week. My bad. I am an ass, but I'll try my best to make up for it with a little added effort this week. On with the show. Sexy Badasses vs. Juris United Game Line: Sexy by 36...!!!
I have no idea why we even include these game lines. I guess they are fun, but c'mon, a 36 point prediction? We can all agree that Kirk's team is legit, but that seems absurd.
You don't know where that finger has been.
On the other hand, I also think we can all agree that Alan deserves such a beat-down until such time that he removes Judge Judy from the hallowed logo picture position. I am so tired of see that doily collar that I hesitate to even look at his weekly scores because I know my mood will instantly drop 5 notches. Then, I'll start drinking heavily and before you know it I've either wrapped my car around a tree, the cops are at the door for a domestic disturbance, or two of the college girls next door are pregnant. Please change that logo Alan, for my health, sanity and family's sake.
But the reality of this situation is that the Sexy Badasses have too much firepower. AP, Rodgers, Wallace, CJ2K and Vernon have too much potential in comparison to Matthews, Bowe, and the lesser Manning. Alan has to hope for Demaryius to repeat week one, Royal to continue to surprise, and Mario Williams to score again like he is a franchise running back.
Sexy Badasses by 20 or so.
My apologies for this video. It is terrible, but it made me laugh when I searched pregnant college girls. Man, I am full of apologies tonight.
THUNDER Bear vs. Pink Nightmare Game Line: Pink by 24...???
This is the game of the week and again the line does not paint an accurate picture. It looks like parody straight down the line to me, with maybe a little edge at RB to Bear and at WR for Pink. This one is hard to call, so let's think this through.
I hate both your quarterbacks. Vick is, well, Michael fucking Vick: scourge to all Virginia fans of the late '90s; killer of dogs; and spawn of Satan. He can run and throw and jump and probably has a 24 inch dong, but ultimately, he will never win and will consistently let you down. Romo seems like someone I should like. He comes from a small school, has a little charm, plays kinda gritty and even looks a little bit like me. But he is also ultimately a loser who will consistently let you down...and he looks a little like me, so I hate him. Even odds here.
Martin vs. Morris and Bush vs. Foster are match-ups that throw some serious wood. Expectations are high for all these guys, but surprisingly it is Bush with the only electric game so far. Martin and Foster have done some damage without blowing anyone's mind and Morris has not quite looked himself yet. I like both Nate's guys here with a potential breakout by Foster against an uncharacteristically weak Ravens defense.
God, I wish I had a chair.
The receivers go to Kendall. It's gonna be a shootout between the Packers and Bengals, so Green will gobble up a thousand catches for two million yards and sixty five touchdowns. Victor Cruz was the steal of the draft for Pink, so I imagine he is practicing his salsa dance steps every night in the mirror while Becky rolls her eyes at him and tries to make some absurd new bet to get him to agree to another kid. BMarsh and Vjax just can't keep up with this duo or the mesmerizing dance moves of Kendall Howell.
Nate might have a slight edge at tight end, but Pink has him on defense. So maybe this will come down to a kickers' dual. It will certainly be closer than 24 points.
I want to pick the upset, but know better. Pink by five.
Champeens vs. Voodoo Browns Game Line: Browns by 12.5...$$$
If we were concerned with the trade that brought Richardson to Joe's team, it surely escalated this week with him moving to the Browns. Although he may not hit the ground running in Indy, Trent is in a much better place and the Colts look like the offensive team of the future. I am guessing VooDoo-land is pretty happy, but all those eggs in the Colts' basket has to be a little unnerving. Anytime you want to diversify Joe, I'll gladly trade you for Luck or Richardson.
This week Joe gets to take on Mark, who I could also beg to change his logo, but (1) it somehow fits Mark's personality and (2) me talking about how much I hate it would only spur him to keep it up longer. So, piss off too, Fulton.
It is another hard one to call, but due to the aforementioned newness of Richardson in Indianapolis, I gotta side with Mark. The Green Bay/Cincy score-a-thon will cancel out the continued big number surprises from Starks and Jones. The QBs will probably be about equal. Graham will kill it for Joe, but both Welker and Forte will kill it for Mark. Joe, of course, gets to feel the joy of a Chicago win at the cost of a fantasy loss.
Champeens by 9
Glitterfist Lasersnakes vs. Double-O Daddy Game Line: Daddy by 21......
There, there Paulie
Well shit, Patrick, thanks a ton for firing off red-hot Manning in a trade with Paul days before I have to play him. No one was prepared for the year's most amazing trade to come through the Snakes, so good for you Even more, I would have never guessed Paul would release Ray Rice. That must have hurt your heart. It was a great move for both you guys though.
So, the new look Lasersnakes, take on DOOD. Week one saw Chad rocket up some big numbers and week two saw him come crashing down without a parachute. Which Daddy is the true Daddy? Patrick had leaned on Manning the past few weeks, so you gotta imagine he is unsure what to expect from this new group of players (hint - they are pretty damn good and young, so yeah).
I think Chad returns to week one form and takes this home. I believe in the Chiefs (I don't know why either) and really like Jamaal Charles. He is fun to watch. Matt Ryan is like a 20+ point Swiss watch and Owen Daniels does nothing but catch touchdowns.
Patrick has a chance here, but Russell Wilson needs to throw more for him to win and I am betting that Lynch will be carrying the ball all day against the Jags. Dez will probably have another big day, but I'd bet on limited involvement from the injured Ray Rice. Really like the new team, Patrick, this just isn't your week.
Double-O Daddy by 13
Apology accepted?
Yes? Aww thanks.
No? You fucking bastard!
I have pneumonia. Like, for real. But it doesn't fucking matter, because it's time for Wednesday FAABnalysis. Apologies if this shit isn't as good as it usually is. I'm sick! Fuck you! Fuck off! Hey, fuck you, fuck off, and go fuck yourself.
Cash ain't nothin but trash. Rookie and Joe seem to think so. But before we get into that, some stats:
-- 18 claims -- 12 cash claims -- $87 total FAAB money spent -- $7.25 average per cash grab
More pussy shit, but it's getting better, trending upward. Nice work, guys. Now, your homework for this week is to spend a little more time with your dick in your hands, seeing what it feels like, wielding your sword, practicing how to act like a fucking MAN for next Wednesday's bidding.
Okay, before we get into today's claims, I want to hit on a big one from the weekend.
Donald Brown -- $15 to Kirk
dropped: Vick Ballard
other bids: none
Kirk asked me, point blank, if I thought $15 was too much to bid on Donald Brown. He asked me this on Friday, after the news broke on Ballard's injury, but when I was rocking a 102 fever and not thinking straight. So I texted something back about $11, but $15 wasn't too high, whatever. Whatever, whatever. Whatever, whatever, whatever. Kirk, Donald Brown sucks. Even with Ballard gone, the path to playing time isn't clear. Kerwynn Williams ultimately might be the guy for the vacated Ballard role, not shit-stepping Donald Brown. Donald Brown is the antithesis of a sexy badass. But this isn't to slam on the pick-up. $15 for Brown, given the need/desire to replace a lost asset in Ballard, was fine. I actually think that $15 should be the CKL's new $5 -- as in, the 'meh' sort of bid on a so-so player who might see an increased opportunity to produce. But if I'm being honest here, Donald Brown sucks, the Colts o-line sucks, and this was a waste of cash. Sorry Kirk. This might be a classic case of throwing good money after bad. Congrats on beating out NO ONE ELSE in order to land a player NO ONE WANTS.
ClaimGrade (TM pending)-- D
Alright, today's claims...
Felix Jones -- $21 to Rookie
dropped: Brent Celek
other bids: none
I didn't understand this claim at first, until I considered Rookie's stake in Le'Veon Bell. Clearly, Fux-It Felix is the Steelers' de facto 'workhorse' until Bell returns to action, so I guess that has some value. The Steelers aren't as bad as they played against Tennessee, or as bad as the Bengals made them look on Monday night (WHO DEY, the Cincy defense is going to make a lot of offenses look bad!) But if I'm being honest here, Felix Jones sucks, the Steelers o-line sucks, and this was a waste of cash. Sorry Rookie. This might be a classic case of throwing good money after bad. Congrats on beating out NO ONE ELSE in order to land a player NO ONE WANTS.
ClaimGrade -- D
James Starks -- $20 to Joe
dropped: Isaac Redman
other bids: $17 to Derrick, $12 to Patrick, $9 to Ben, $7 to Nathan
First, and most importantly -- Why wasn't Isaac Redman the victim of a Tuesday Drop??? Missed opportunity there, Joe. Okay, the Starks claim... This is Eddie Lacy's job. He earned it in camp, and he's the better player. Yes, he's out right now with a concussion, and yes, Starks is now clearly the #2 guy in Green Bay. But check out the upcoming schedule: @ Cincy, bye week, Detroit, @ Baltimore, Cleveland. Tough sledding. This claim does not appear to present any sort of return on investment, Joseph. I have a soft spot in my own heart for the hard-running Starks, and his presence with a newly-claimed role in an offense that is worth at least half a damn merits some real bids. I know Joe is happy with landing the guy, and seeing a solid $20 bid makes me happy. But if I'm a betting man, I'm laying my own money on Joe not getting the production he thinks he's getting from a $20 FAAB claim. HOWEVER, thank you for swinging your dick like a sword this week, Joe. The same goes to Rookie. You two guys will help the rest of us urge our testicles to drop.
ClaimGrade -- C-minus
Robert Turbin -- $11 to Paul
dropped: E.J. Manuel
other bids: $1 to Ben
I had to look it up. What did Turbin do to earn this claim? I guess he's playing over Christine Michael, so Paul slipped in the back door of Ben's sandwich and sex shop to steal the fuzzycuffs. I loved Turbin coming out of Utah State, hard runner, tough guy, etc. I think he's more Lynchlike than Christine Michael, so if Beast Mode goes down, it stands to reason that Turbin is the primary beneficiary. I can get behind an $11 bid to swipe a handcuff in a running offense like Seattle's. I like it, Paulie. You do, however, get dinged for bidding only against yourself in order to make the claim. You also get dinged for dropping the exciting upside of E.J. Manuel in order to add Turbin. (I'm already looking forward to the "Friday Rebound" bidding circus over Manuel. I'm in the market for a 4th quarterback, so I've got my lettuce ready.)
ClaimGrade -- C+
Aldon Smith -- $10 to Chad
dropped: Eric Berry
other bids: $0 to Joe, $0 to Nathan
Hell, Aldon Smith is probably an elite-level IDP in our league. [Sarcasm alert!] I'm sure the 1.75 sacks-per-game pace will continue. Is Aldon Smith on his way to 28 sacks this season? Considering that the all-time record is 22.5 (and that took Brett Favre bending over to receive Mike Strahan's ample member up the eager asterisk of his butthole), I kinda have my doubts. But herein lies the new strategy of DPs. Shoot for the upside of sacks, or for the safety of tackles? Chad is playing the role of risk-taker, and he shelled out a Hamilton for the right to roll the dice each week. If you're gambling for sacks, Aldon Smith is the right guy to have.
ClaimGrade -- B-minus
Charles Clay -- $9 to Chad
dropped: Brandon Gibson
other bids: $6 to Derrick, $5 to Mark, $5 to Ben, $1 to Nathan, $0 to Kendall
Now this one, I like. The Fins are probably glad Dustin Keller got creamed in the preseason, so they can properly deploy the swiss army knife of talent they have in Charles Clay. Chad likes chalktalk, and prefers it to the stupid shit I usually offer up in these spaces, so I'll indulge him in my commentary on this claim. Here goes (and please read the following in boring sportscaster monotone.) A former college running back at Tulsa, the 6-3, 255 Clay is a versatile player who just hasn’t been able to quite find a position in the NFL yet. He had the same problem in college. For the Golden Hurricane he was a running back, but often played H-back too, because he was such a good receiver. Great feet, great hands, balance, body control, and the size to be an impact in-line blocker. Clay has now put two good games together to start the season, including his 5-109 performance on Sunday. He also infuriated Rookie (our Lamar Miller owner) by taking his first career carry in for a earth-shaking 1-yard touchdown run. Clay has shown flashes before and then disappeared, but if the douchenozzle Miami coaches have finally found a way to utilize his versatility, he should become a dependable fantasy player. 1 part fullback + 1 part H-back + 1 part tight end + 1 part stud = Charles Clay. Love the claim, Chad. (I thought I might be able to sneak him out for $6, but I forgot to adjust my bid prior to noon. Jordan Reed is my consolation prize.) Derrick, with no healthy tight ends on your roster, you should have bid more than $6 for Clay. Point blank.
ClaimGrade -- A
Kendall Wright -- $8 to Joe
dropped: Kenny Britt
other bids: $3 to Nathan
This is not rocket science. Kendall Wright is a talented young player who only needs a stable role in a good offense in order to explode. The only thing I don't like about him - and ultimately, the reason I dropped him - is the fact that there is a load of other good receivers competing for looks in a run-first offense led by a shitty quarterback. With Wright, you're tied to Jake Locker's Tebowish arm, and you're sorting through the flotsam and jetsam of Kenny Britt, Nasty Nate Washington, and now Justin Hunter. Put Kendall Wright on the Ravens, and he's a top-20 wide receiver for fantasy. On the Patriots he'd be top-5. But on the Titans? Top-75? Maybe? There's a lot of Randall Cobb in Wright, but there's not much Aaron Rodgers in Jake Locker (unless you consider that literally, as in gay love and anal penetration.)
ClaimGrade -- C+
He touched you, Jake! He touched you!
Andre Ellington -- $6 to Kendall
dropped: Brandon Bolden
other bids: $1 to Joe
I bid $6 because I was afraid someone might bid $5. I dropped Brandon Bolden because I realized that Bill Belichick is worse than Mike Shanahan. Ellington is Gio Bernard, but playing for the Cardinals. Bruce Arians loves to throw the football, and the one thing Ellington does by far better than any other back in Arizona is catch the ball and make plays in space. On a day when Felix Jones and James Starks are going for $20, I'll gladly take this lottery ticket for $6.
ClaimGrade -- B+
Jason Snelling -- $5 to Derrick
dropped: Mohamed Sanu
other bids: $0 to Nathan
Steven Jackson is down, Jaquizz Rodgers probably can't handle the power running needs the Falcs will encounter, and Snell-Dawg has a good track record of being able to produce as the #2 guy in Atlanta. Nothing stinks here, it's all roses.
ClaimGrade -- B+
Dumpster Diving...
Stephen Hill, $4 to Mark -- Geno Smith might not be totally horrendous, and this is the guy who'll benefit the most if that's true. Hill has WR2 upside, I would say... if you can stomach the Jets. Nice claim, Mark.
Marcel Reece, $0 to Rookie -- Bravo, Rookie. Way to land a good player and undo the dicey Carson Palmer claim, all in one fell swoop. Reece, the dancing bear, has a chance to be damn good in the Raiders' suddenly-decent offense.
Jerrell Freeman, $0 to Joe -- This is listed here only because Joe dropped Patrick Willis to make it happen. I would rather have Willis, personally.
Ryan Tannehill, $0 to Kendall -- Why not? He looks pretty good.
Jordan Reed, $0 to Kendall -- Meet the new TE1 in Washington; Aaron Hernandez without the execution killings.
Remaining Budgets Juris United -- $100 Blackpool Penguins -- $100 THUNDER BEAR -- $97 The Champeens -- $96 Glitterfist Lasersnakes -- $96 Jesus the Moose -- $92 The Magic Stick -- $92 Barclay Street Bruisers -- $89 The Sexy Badasses -- $85 Kick Azz Giants -- $84 Double-O Daddy -- $81 Pink Nightmare -- $77 Sic Semper Tyrannis Rex -- $71 Voodoo Browns -- $57
Top-10 Biggest Claims of the Season 1) Felix Jones -- $21 to Rookie on 9/18/13
2) James Starks -- $20 to Joe on 9/18/13
3) Donald Brown -- $15 to Kirk on 9/14/13
4) Robert Turbin -- $11 to Paul on 9/18/13
4) Leonard Hankerson -- $11 to Derrick on 9/11/13 4) Marlon Brown -- $11 to Kendall on 9/11/13
7) Aldon Smith -- $10 to Chad on 9/18/13
8) Charles Clay -- $9 to Chad on 9/18/13 9) Philip Rivers -- $8 to Ben on 9/11/13 9) Brandon Jacobs -- $8 to Joe on 9/11/13 9) Harry Douglas -- $8 to Russ on 9/11/13
That's it for this week, but as always, remember...
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