Wednesday FAABnalysis -- 9/18/13

I have pneumonia.  Like, for real.  But it doesn't fucking matter, because it's time for Wednesday FAABnalysis.  Apologies if this shit isn't as good as it usually is.  I'm sick!  Fuck you!  Fuck off!  Hey, fuck you, fuck off, and go fuck yourself.

Cash ain't nothin but trash.  Rookie and Joe seem to think so.  But before we get into that, some stats:

-- 18 claims
-- 12 cash claims
-- $87 total FAAB money spent
-- $7.25 average per cash grab

More pussy shit, but it's getting better, trending upward.  Nice work, guys.  Now, your homework for this week is to spend a little more time with your dick in your hands, seeing what it feels like, wielding your sword, practicing how to act like a fucking MAN for next Wednesday's bidding.

Okay, before we get into today's claims, I want to hit on a big one from the weekend.

Donald Brown -- $15 to Kirk

dropped: Vick Ballard

other bids: none

Kirk asked me, point blank, if I thought $15 was too much to bid on Donald Brown.  He asked me this on Friday, after the news broke on Ballard's injury, but when I was rocking a 102 fever and not thinking straight.  So I texted something back about $11, but $15 wasn't too high, whatever.  Whatever, whatever.  Whatever, whatever, whatever.  Kirk, Donald Brown sucks.  Even with Ballard gone, the path to playing time isn't clear.  Kerwynn Williams ultimately might be the guy for the vacated Ballard role, not shit-stepping Donald Brown.  Donald Brown is the antithesis of a sexy badass.  But this isn't to slam on the pick-up.  $15 for Brown, given the need/desire to replace a lost asset in Ballard, was fine.  I actually think that $15 should be the CKL's new $5 -- as in, the 'meh' sort of bid on a so-so player who might see an increased opportunity to produce.  But if I'm being honest here, Donald Brown sucks, the Colts o-line sucks, and this was a waste of cash.  Sorry Kirk.  This might be a classic case of throwing good money after bad.  Congrats on beating out NO ONE ELSE in order to land a player NO ONE WANTS.

ClaimGrade (TM pending) -- D

Alright, today's claims...

Felix Jones -- $21 to Rookie

dropped: Brent Celek

other bids: none

I didn't understand this claim at first, until I considered Rookie's stake in Le'Veon Bell.  Clearly, Fux-It Felix is the Steelers' de facto 'workhorse' until Bell returns to action, so I guess that has some value.  The Steelers aren't as bad as they played against Tennessee, or as bad as the Bengals made them look on Monday night (WHO DEY, the Cincy defense is going to make a lot of offenses look bad!)  But if I'm being honest here, Felix Jones sucks, the Steelers o-line sucks, and this was a waste of cash.  Sorry Rookie.  This might be a classic case of throwing good money after bad.  Congrats on beating out NO ONE ELSE in order to land a player NO ONE WANTS.

ClaimGrade -- D

James Starks -- $20 to Joe

dropped: Isaac Redman

other bids: $17 to Derrick, $12 to Patrick, $9 to Ben, $7 to Nathan

First, and most importantly -- Why wasn't Isaac Redman the victim of a Tuesday Drop???  Missed opportunity there, Joe.  Okay, the Starks claim... This is Eddie Lacy's job.  He earned it in camp, and he's the better player.  Yes, he's out right now with a concussion, and yes, Starks is now clearly the #2 guy in Green Bay.  But check out the upcoming schedule: @ Cincy, bye week, Detroit, @ Baltimore, Cleveland.  Tough sledding.  This claim does not appear to present any sort of return on investment, Joseph.  I have a soft spot in my own heart for the hard-running Starks, and his presence with a newly-claimed role in an offense that is worth at least half a damn merits some real bids.  I know Joe is happy with landing the guy, and seeing a solid $20 bid makes me happy.  But if I'm a betting man, I'm laying my own money on Joe not getting the production he thinks he's getting from a $20 FAAB claim.  HOWEVER, thank you for swinging your dick like a sword this week, Joe.  The same goes to Rookie.  You two guys will help the rest of us urge our testicles to drop.

ClaimGrade -- C-minus

Robert Turbin -- $11 to Paul

dropped: E.J. Manuel

other bids: $1 to Ben

I had to look it up.  What did Turbin do to earn this claim?  I guess he's playing over Christine Michael, so Paul slipped in the back door of Ben's sandwich and sex shop to steal the fuzzycuffs.  I loved Turbin coming out of Utah State, hard runner, tough guy, etc.  I think he's more Lynchlike than Christine Michael, so if Beast Mode goes down, it stands to reason that Turbin is the primary beneficiary.  I can get behind an $11 bid to swipe a handcuff in a running offense like Seattle's.  I like it, Paulie.  You do, however, get dinged for bidding only against yourself in order to make the claim.  You also get dinged for dropping the exciting upside of E.J. Manuel in order to add Turbin.  (I'm already looking forward to the "Friday Rebound" bidding circus over Manuel.  I'm in the market for a 4th quarterback, so I've got my lettuce ready.)

ClaimGrade -- C+

Aldon Smith -- $10 to Chad

dropped: Eric Berry

other bids: $0 to Joe, $0 to Nathan

Hell, Aldon Smith is probably an elite-level IDP in our league.  [Sarcasm alert!]  I'm sure the 1.75 sacks-per-game pace will continue.  Is Aldon Smith on his way to 28 sacks this season?  Considering that the all-time record is 22.5 (and that took Brett Favre bending over to receive Mike Strahan's ample member up the eager asterisk of his butthole), I kinda have my doubts.  But herein lies the new strategy of DPs.  Shoot for the upside of sacks, or for the safety of tackles?  Chad is playing the role of risk-taker, and he shelled out a Hamilton for the right to roll the dice each week.  If you're gambling for sacks, Aldon Smith is the right guy to have.

ClaimGrade -- B-minus

Charles Clay -- $9 to Chad

dropped: Brandon Gibson

other bids: $6 to Derrick, $5 to Mark, $5 to Ben, $1 to Nathan, $0 to Kendall

Now this one, I like.  The Fins are probably glad Dustin Keller got creamed in the preseason, so they can properly deploy the swiss army knife of talent they have in Charles Clay.  Chad likes chalktalk, and prefers it to the stupid shit I usually offer up in these spaces, so I'll indulge him in my commentary on this claim.  Here goes (and please read the following in boring sportscaster monotone.)  A former college running back at Tulsa, the 6-3, 255 Clay is a versatile player who just hasn’t been able to quite find a position in the NFL yet.  He had the same problem in college.  For the Golden Hurricane he was a running back, but often played H-back too, because he was such a good receiver.  Great feet, great hands, balance, body control, and the size to be an impact in-line blocker.  Clay has now put two good games together to start the season, including his 5-109 performance on Sunday.  He also infuriated Rookie (our Lamar Miller owner) by taking his first career carry in for a earth-shaking 1-yard touchdown run.  Clay has shown flashes before and then disappeared, but if the douchenozzle Miami coaches have finally found a way to utilize his versatility, he should become a dependable fantasy player.  1 part fullback + 1 part H-back + 1 part tight end + 1 part stud = Charles Clay.  Love the claim, Chad.  (I thought I might be able to sneak him out for $6, but I forgot to adjust my bid prior to noon.  Jordan Reed is my consolation prize.)  Derrick, with no healthy tight ends on your roster, you should have bid more than $6 for Clay.  Point blank.

ClaimGrade -- A

Kendall Wright -- $8 to Joe

dropped: Kenny Britt

other bids: $3 to Nathan

This is not rocket science.  Kendall Wright is a talented young player who only needs a stable role in a good offense in order to explode.  The only thing I don't like about him - and ultimately, the reason I dropped him - is the fact that there is a load of other good receivers competing for looks in a run-first offense led by a shitty quarterback.  With Wright, you're tied to Jake Locker's Tebowish arm, and you're sorting through the flotsam and jetsam of Kenny Britt, Nasty Nate Washington, and now Justin Hunter.  Put Kendall Wright on the Ravens, and he's a top-20 wide receiver for fantasy.  On the Patriots he'd be top-5.  But on the Titans?  Top-75?  Maybe?  There's a lot of Randall Cobb in Wright, but there's not much Aaron Rodgers in Jake Locker (unless you consider that literally, as in gay love and anal penetration.)

ClaimGrade -- C+

He touched you, Jake!  He touched you!

Andre Ellington -- $6 to Kendall

dropped: Brandon Bolden

other bids: $1 to Joe

I bid $6 because I was afraid someone might bid $5.  I dropped Brandon Bolden because I realized that Bill Belichick is worse than Mike Shanahan.  Ellington is Gio Bernard, but playing for the Cardinals.  Bruce Arians loves to throw the football, and the one thing Ellington does by far better than any other back in Arizona is catch the ball and make plays in space.  On a day when Felix Jones and James Starks are going for $20, I'll gladly take this lottery ticket for $6.

ClaimGrade -- B+

Jason Snelling -- $5 to Derrick

dropped: Mohamed Sanu

other bids: $0 to Nathan

Steven Jackson is down, Jaquizz Rodgers probably can't handle the power running needs the Falcs will encounter, and Snell-Dawg has a good track record of being able to produce as the #2 guy in Atlanta.  Nothing stinks here, it's all roses.

ClaimGrade -- B+

Dumpster Diving...

Stephen Hill, $4 to Mark -- Geno Smith might not be totally horrendous, and this is the guy who'll benefit the most if that's true.  Hill has WR2 upside, I would say... if you can stomach the Jets.  Nice claim, Mark.

Marcel Reece, $0 to Rookie -- Bravo, Rookie.  Way to land a good player and undo the dicey Carson Palmer claim, all in one fell swoop.  Reece, the dancing bear, has a chance to be damn good in the Raiders' suddenly-decent offense.

Jerrell Freeman, $0 to Joe -- This is listed here only because Joe dropped Patrick Willis to make it happen.  I would rather have Willis, personally.

Ryan Tannehill, $0 to Kendall -- Why not?  He looks pretty good.

Jordan Reed, $0 to Kendall -- Meet the new TE1 in Washington; Aaron Hernandez without the execution killings.

Remaining Budgets
Juris United -- $100
Blackpool Penguins -- $100
THUNDER BEAR -- $97
The Champeens -- $96
Glitterfist Lasersnakes -- $96
Jesus the Moose -- $92
The Magic Stick -- $92
Barclay Street Bruisers -- $89
The Sexy Badasses -- $85
Kick Azz Giants -- $84
Double-O Daddy -- $81
Pink Nightmare -- $77
Sic Semper Tyrannis Rex -- $71
Voodoo Browns -- $57

Top-10 Biggest Claims of the Season
1) Felix Jones -- $21 to Rookie on 9/18/13

2) James Starks -- $20 to Joe on 9/18/13

3) Donald Brown -- $15 to Kirk on 9/14/13

4) Robert Turbin -- $11 to Paul on 9/18/13

4) Leonard Hankerson -- $11 to Derrick on 9/11/13
4) Marlon Brown -- $11 to Kendall on 9/11/13

7) Aldon Smith -- $10 to Chad on 9/18/13

8) Charles Clay -- $9 to Chad on 9/18/13
9) Philip Rivers -- $8 to Ben on 9/11/13
9) Brandon Jacobs -- $8 to Joe on 9/11/13
9) Harry Douglas -- $8 to Russ on 9/11/13

That's it for this week, but as always, remember...

GOTTA SPEND TO WIN!