Week Three Predictions and Promises

So, I feel pretty bad about missing my side of this write-up last week, so yeah, I sorry.  Life just seems to get more and more complicated and for whatever reason, I decide to let fun things slide.  You know the type of thing that might help ease the weight of adult responsibility and lighten your mood through some healthy insults of close friends and their make-believe american football franchises?

Anyway, apologies to the eight of you that didn't get any attention last week.  My bad.  I am an ass, but I'll try my best to make up for it with a little added effort this week.  On with the show.  


Sexy Badasses vs. Juris United
Game Line: Sexy by 36...!!!

I have no idea why we even include these game lines.  I guess they are fun, but c'mon, a 36 point prediction?  We can all agree that Kirk's team is legit, but that seems absurd.

You don't know where that finger has been.

On the other hand, I also think we can all agree that Alan deserves such a beat-down until such time that he removes Judge Judy from the hallowed logo picture position.  I am so tired of see that doily collar that I hesitate to even look at his weekly scores because I know my mood will instantly drop 5 notches. Then, I'll start drinking heavily and before you know it I've either wrapped my car around a tree, the cops are at the door for a domestic disturbance, or two of the college girls next door are pregnant.  Please change that logo Alan, for my health, sanity and family's sake.



But the reality of this situation is that the Sexy Badasses have too much firepower.  AP, Rodgers, Wallace, CJ2K and Vernon have too much potential in comparison to Matthews, Bowe, and the lesser Manning.  Alan has to hope for Demaryius to repeat week one, Royal to continue to surprise, and Mario Williams to score again like he is a franchise running back.

Sexy Badasses by 20 or so.

My apologies for this video.  It is terrible, but it made me laugh when I searched pregnant college girls.  Man, I am full of apologies tonight.





THUNDER Bear vs. Pink Nightmare
Game Line:  Pink by 24...???

This is the game of the week and again the line does not paint an accurate picture.  It looks like parody straight down the line to me, with maybe a little edge at RB to Bear and at WR for Pink.  This one is hard to call, so let's think this through.

I hate both your quarterbacks.  Vick is, well, Michael fucking Vick: scourge to all Virginia fans of the late '90s; killer of dogs; and spawn of Satan.  He can run and throw and jump and probably has a 24 inch dong, but ultimately, he will never win and will consistently let you down.  Romo seems like someone I should like.  He comes from a small school, has a little charm, plays kinda gritty and even looks a little bit like me.  But he is also ultimately a loser who will consistently let you down...and he looks a little like me, so I hate him.  Even odds here.

Martin vs. Morris and Bush vs. Foster are match-ups that throw some serious wood.  Expectations are high for all these guys, but surprisingly it is Bush with the only electric game so far.  Martin and Foster have done some damage without blowing anyone's mind and Morris has not quite looked himself yet.  I like both Nate's guys here with a potential breakout by Foster against an uncharacteristically weak Ravens defense.

God, I wish I had a chair.

The receivers go to Kendall.  It's gonna be a shootout between the Packers and Bengals, so Green will gobble up a thousand catches for two million yards and sixty five touchdowns.  Victor Cruz was the steal of the draft for Pink, so I imagine he is practicing his salsa dance steps every night in the mirror while Becky rolls her eyes at him and tries to make some absurd new bet to get him to agree to another kid.  BMarsh and Vjax just can't keep up with this duo or the mesmerizing dance moves of Kendall Howell.

Nate might have a slight edge at tight end, but Pink has him on defense.  So maybe this will come down to a kickers' dual.  It will certainly be closer than 24 points.

I want to pick the upset, but know better.  Pink by five.






Champeens vs. Voodoo Browns
Game Line: Browns by 12.5...$$$

If we were concerned with the trade that brought Richardson to Joe's team, it surely escalated this week with him moving to the Browns.  Although he may not hit the ground running in Indy, Trent is in a much better place and the Colts look like the offensive team of the future.  I am guessing VooDoo-land is pretty happy, but all those eggs in the Colts' basket has to be a little unnerving.  Anytime you want to diversify Joe, I'll gladly trade you for Luck or Richardson.

This week Joe gets to take on Mark, who I could also beg to change his logo, but (1) it somehow fits Mark's personality and (2) me talking about how much I hate it would only spur him to keep it up longer.  So, piss off too, Fulton.

It is another hard one to call, but due to the aforementioned newness of Richardson in Indianapolis, I gotta side with Mark.  The Green Bay/Cincy score-a-thon will cancel out the continued big number surprises from Starks and Jones.  The QBs will probably be about equal.  Graham will kill it for Joe, but both Welker and Forte will kill it for Mark.  Joe, of course, gets to feel the joy of a Chicago win at the cost of a fantasy loss.

Champeens by 9



Glitterfist Lasersnakes vs. Double-O Daddy
Game Line: Daddy by 21......

There, there Paulie

Well shit, Patrick, thanks a ton for firing off red-hot Manning in a trade with Paul days before I have to play him.  No one was prepared for the year's most amazing trade to come through the Snakes, so good for you  Even more, I would have never guessed Paul would release Ray Rice.  That must have hurt your heart.  It was a great move for both you guys though.

So, the new look Lasersnakes, take on DOOD.  Week one saw Chad rocket up some big numbers and week two saw him come crashing down without a parachute.  Which Daddy is the true Daddy?  Patrick had leaned on Manning the past few weeks, so you gotta imagine he is unsure what to expect from this new group of players (hint - they are pretty damn good and young, so yeah).

I think Chad returns to week one form and takes this home.  I believe in the Chiefs (I don't know why either) and really like Jamaal Charles.  He is fun to watch.  Matt Ryan is like a 20+ point Swiss watch and Owen Daniels does nothing but catch touchdowns.

Patrick has a chance here, but Russell Wilson needs to throw more for him to win and I am betting that Lynch will be carrying the ball all day against the Jags.  Dez will probably have another big day, but I'd bet on limited involvement from the injured Ray Rice.  Really like the new team, Patrick, this just isn't your week.

Double-O Daddy by 13

Apology accepted?
Yes?  Aww thanks.
No?  You fucking bastard!