Wednesday FAABnalysis -- 9/25/13

Look who's back in the motherfuckin' house, with a bit fat dick for your motherfuckin' mouth.

You know what this is.  It's the YouTube clip that serves as this week's soundtrack.  Click on the triangle and let the sounds wash over you...

Double it.
Double it.
Double it.
Double it.
Double it.
Double it.
Double it.
Double it.
Double it.
Double it.
Double it.
Double it.
Double it.
Double it.

That choice was my ode to Nathan, obviously.

Here's what some other douche with a blog that talks about songs that involve the days of the week had to say about it:

Fischerspooner is duo who formed in 1998 and consists of Warren Fischer and Casey Spooner. They have a techno sound called electroclash which is a combination of new wave and electronica dance music. This song is definitely one you should listen to with the head phones on. A catchy techno beat if you ask me but not very complicated lyrics. Why is the song called Wednesday? No idea.

Lyrics:

Double it
Double it
Double it

I feel like I‘m still there
I feel like I‘m still there
I feel like I‘m there


Okay, sounds good.  Whatever.

Stats.

-- 16 claims
-- 11 cash claims
-- $65 total FAAB money spent
-- $5.91 average per cash grab


On Friday ("Friday, Friday, gettin' down on Friday") we talked about how dick jokes and shit jokes are all I've got.  Today, my mission is to be profanely awesome with: a) zero dick jokes, and b) zero shit jokes.  This is called a challenge, y'all.  This is called self-betterment.  I am improving myself.  I am growing as a person, becoming a better human being.  Ben the CEO and Mark the Brewmaster can join me.  The rest of you clubfoots and harelips can piss and moan and squabble over petty FAAB bids, as such:

Jonathan Franklin -- $15 to Alan

Dropped: Nasty Nate Burleson

Other Bids: $1 to Nathan, $0 to Rookie

Does anybody think that after the Packers' bye, Jo-Frank is anything other than Eddie Lacy's backup?  Well, looks like one of us thinks that Franklin might be something more.  Alan, this claim was weirder than the picture of the family wearing nude costumes that you're forcing us to caption.  Not really, but that picture was super weird.  I'm sure the dad hand-made those costumes, and I'm sure he made the dick way bigger than his actual dick.  BRAAAAAAAAAAP!  Dick joke!  Strike one!  Fuck!  Well, one slip-up.  That's okay, right.  Actually, two slip-ups.  Check the very first line of this post, before the Fischerspooner video.  Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck!  Alan, Jonathan Franklin, ugh.  Bad.  He did look pretty good running against the Bengals' better-than-anyone-wants-to-give-credit-for defense, so that saves you from the F.

ClaimGrade: D-minus

Ronnie Hillman -- $9 to Joe

Dropped: Da'Rel Scott

Other Bids: $0 to Nathan

I almost made a bid on Hillman (probably in the $3 vicinity), until I remembered that a) Moreno is better in pass pro, and b) Montee Ball is their hotshot rookie.  To score that late touchdown, Hillman won the game of paper-rock-scissors (or as the shitmouths would say "Rochambo") played among the Denver runners.  BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!  Shit joke!  Strike two!  Shit joke?  Where?  "Shitmouths."  Look back at the last sentence you wrote.  Oh, fuck.  This is harder than I thought it'd be.  Well, at least it's allowing me to formalize a conversation with myself.  Speaking of one-on-one convos with one's self... Joe, you might have wanted a word with that itchy trigger finger of yours.  Not for blasting bucks and firing off good bullets, or for picking up Hillman, because he's clearly part of the action in the best offense ever conceived by modern man (:eyeroll:), but $9 was a steep price.  Naked eye non sequitur: Remember when G.I. Joe's only cost $1.50?  Remember when Denver 3rd string running backs were free?

ClaimGrade: C-minus

Damn right.

Rant: I already have talking-heads-spewing-mouth-jism-over-the-Denver-Offense fatigue, and it's week 4.  BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!  Dick joke!  *sigh*  Mouth-jism, it's a dick joke.  Right?  Strike three, you're fucking out!  Just as well.

Blah BlahBlah -- $101 to Satan

Dropped:

Other Bids:

Comments

ClaimGrade:

Ted Ginn -- $8 to Alan

Dropped: Fred Davis

Other Bids: $0 to Nathan

Maybe he matters.  He seems to have some decent deepball synergy with Cam.  But then again, yep, it's still Ted Ginn.  Use sickle cell technology to grow some legs on a tampon, and then teach it to run...  Alan, would you bid eight bucks on the tampon?

ClaimGrade: C

Ted Ginn's route tree.

Runner-up caption: This pic is now saved as filename "TedGinn" on my computer.

Honorable mention: Instructions on how to use Ted Ginn to stop menstrual bleeding.

Justin Houston -- $8 to Rookie

Dropped: Zach Brown

Other Bids: $6 to Alan, $6 to Nathan, $6 to Chad, $5 to Paul, $3 to Derrick, $1 to Joe

Give it time.  Soon, Houston will be wrapping his own car around a tree and then checking himself into rehab.  GET IT?  BECAUSE HE'S THE NEW ALDON SMITH?  Too sophisticated for you bozos, I guess.  Meanwhile, this bid list reads like a who's who of CKL coaches who actually want to try to win this league.  Embarassed I didn't join the fray.  'Grats to the Rookie for swimming through the shark tank to take a bite of Houston.

ClaimGrade: A

Justin Houston

Scott Chandler -- $7 to Ben

Dropped: Michael Floyd

Other Bids: $3 to Derrick

Yep, bye weeks are here.

ClaimGrade: meh

Donnie Avery -- $6 to Russ

Dropped: Harry Douglas

Other Bids: $1 to Joe, $1 to Nathan

I thought he'd be the hot claim of this week, maybe an $11 or $12 guy after that 141-yard explosion.  But turns out, he's still Donnie Avery.  Congrats, Russ!  You just bought your running tampon for just $6!  Just kidding, I think it's a pretty decent claim, especially if Avery is really going to be the underneath drag guy to play off of Bowe's downfield distraction.  Checkdown Charlie Alex Smith has plenty of 7-yard passes in his pop-gun arm!

ClaimGrade: B+

Dumpster Diving...

Brian Hoyer, $4 to Kirk -- *snicker*

Zach Miller, $3 to Derrick -- Gronk will cure all ills.

Justin Hunter, $2 to Kendall -- Hey, it's not like the Titans have a million other receivers or anything!  It's not like their quarterback is shitty!  It's not like they're a run-first (and second, and third) team!  FARTSOUND.

Alfonso Smith, $0 to Joe -- Joe has gone beyond kicking over rocks, and is now kicking over gravestones, milestones, cornerstones, cobblestones, coldstones, pumice stones, and kidney stones.

DeAngelo Hall, $0 to Patrick -- You just said "Beetlejuice" three times, bro.

Lance Dunbar, $0 to Nathan -- You know something I don't know, Nathan?  Or is this just a hedge on DeMarco Murray's inevitable yeast infection?

Remaining Budgets
Blackpool Penguins -- $97
Glitterfist Lasersnakes -- $96
THUNDER BEAR -- $94
The Magic Stick -- $86
Jesus the Moose -- $83
The Sexy Badasses -- $81
Double-O Daddy -- $81
Kick Azz Giants -- $78
Juris United -- $76
The Champeens -- $76
Pink Nightmare -- $75
Sic Semper Tyrannis Rex -- $50
Voodoo Brown -- $45
Barclay Street Bruisers -- $34

Top-10 Biggest Claims of the Season
1) Willis McGahee -- $55 to Paul on 9/20/13
2) Felix Jones -- $21 to Rookie on 9/18/13
3) James Starks -- $20 to Joe on 9/18/13
4) E.J. Manuel -- $18 to Mark on 9/20/13
5) Jonathan Franklin -- $15 to Alan on 9/25/13
5) Donald Brown -- $15 to Kirk on 9/14/13
7) Coby Fleener -- $13 to Rookie on 9/20/13
8) Robert Turbin -- $11 to Paul on 9/18/13
8) Leonard Hankerson -- $11 to Derrick on 9/11/13
8) Marlon Brown -- $11 to Kendall on 9/11/13



That's it for this week's edition, but as always, remember...

GOTTA SPEND TO WIN!