Friday FAABnalysis -- 9/20/13

Back on a special day and time, iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's YOUR Friday FAABnalysis!

In light of the Trent Richardson trade from the nation's nifkin in Cleveland down the 70 to sunny Indianapolis, I knew we'd have a big ol' FAAB Friday.  So I cleared my schedule, got fired from my job, smacked my horse, mainlined some Ollie's Bargain Outlet energy drinks (made with real splinters of fiberglass!), buttchugged some Robitussin, and am here to deliver your fucking goods.  Get your dicks up, lovers, you are about to be BLOWN.

But first!  Meaningless stats!

-- 11 claims
-- 7 cash claims
-- $96 total FAAB money spent
-- $13.71 average per cash grab

Dick jokes and shit jokes, that's all I've got.  Frankly, that's all I've ever had.  But it's gotten me through 29 years of being the funniest motherfucker you've ever known, so you will greedily lap up the milk I'm about to spill.  And by milk, I mean, OF COURSE, cum.

On to it.

Willis McGahee -- $55 to Paul
dropped: Robert Turbin
other bids: $38 to Patrick, $36 to Kirk, $31 to Norris, $21 to Ben, $18 to Alan, $11 to Nathan, $10 to Joe, $5 to Kendall
Okay, dick or shit?  Flipping coin.  Dick it is.  Okay, so Willis McGahee being signed to step in and be the Browns' #1 runner?  It's kind of like Courtney Love (Browns) paying Steven Tyler (McGahee) to come over and fuck her with that weird old twisted dick of his.  The Browns are an ugly bitch, and McGahee is old as fuck (well, he's 31, but that's "old as fuck" in running back terms).  However, it's not often that you can land a team's certain #1 running back in Friday FAAB, just like it's not often you'll have the chance to fuck a celebrity, no matter how busted-ass ugly.  Paulie plunked down $55 for the crack at this match-made-in-hell, and I think he's getting a fairly legit CKL-level Flex starter out of the deal.  I can't condemn this move, no matter how nasty the home video might be.  I can't condemn it, but I can condom it, because that bitch has disease.  It's a good claim.  $55 is $17 more than Patty's $38 bid, however.  Paul got a little bit spendy.
ClaimGrade: B-minus (B+ for the claim, C-minus for being too spendy)

Fucking gross.

E.J. Manuel -- $18 to Mark
dropped: Ronnie Hillman
other bids: $17 to Kendall, $16 to Alan, $9 to Joe, $8 to Nathan
DAMN IT.  I really thought $17 would win this auction.  In fact, I was so sure, that I adjusted it down from $21 at 11:05 this morning.  FUCK!  Nice one, Mark.  If you want to turn around and trade him, I'm your man.  I need that 4th quarterback on my roster so bad it fucking hurts.  As for the claim... honestly, I think this is the best FAAB claim up over $10 since this season began.  Great work, Mr. Better Luck Next Year.  EJM is a legit talent, one of the newly-vogued dual-threat QBs, a Virginia Beach product, a good dude, a hard worker, a winner, and infinitely keeper-worthy if the Bills get their shit together and land a true #1 wide receiver to complement Stevie Johnson and now Robert Woods.  I have a feeling that Mark is joining me in secret Bills appreciation right now, so pass the red and blue kool-aid, my friend.  It's all shots down the field and scrambles to the sideline.  Good times and high fives.
ClaimGrade: A+++

Fuck yeah!
(Man, I fucking miss these tee-shirts.)

Coby Fleener -- $13 to Rookie
dropped: Marcel Reece
other bids: $12 to Nathan, $10 to Kendall, $5 to Joe, $2 to Derrick
Jury's out on whether or not Fleener's any good.  But while we wait for him to decide, it's important to note that his name is not fucking Fleenor.  It's Fleener.  I've seen that fucking O pop up so many times it's making me sick.  And not just here, but everywhere.  National fantasy football writers think his name is Fleenor.  Anyway, with that rant out of the way, I think Rookie got himself a good little deal here, a starter to place in a position where he really didn't have one.  Again, not sure how good [or bad] Fleener is going to be, but at this point he's all the Colts have and should see a decent number of targets each week.  Kudos to Rook for bidding exactly what he needed to bid to land his guy and not shitting his britches as per the standard.
ClaimGrade: A

My dude apparently eats spinach out of his helmet.
Can't think of a joke to go along with that, too lazy to care.

Dumpster Diving...

Patrick Willis, $3 to Norris -- Thief in the night type shit right here, Norris.  While we were all having a dick-measuring contest over the skill position guys, you slipped in and raped our wives.

This is what a sexy badass looks like.

Aaron Dobson, $3 to Joe -- I'll be so pissed if he explodes into a legit WR2 while he's on your roster.  I get punished for my lack of patience all the time... but never by Joe, the one person who is more impatient than me!

Chris Ogbonnaya, $3 to Nathan -- Love the Silent-G claim, but there's a lot of white noise about Bobby Rainey being the real reason they were willing to deal T-Rich.

Brandon Bolden, $0 to Nathan -- This is what patience looks like.  It was the right move.  RIP, Airwolf.


Remaining Budgets
Juris United -- $100
Blackpool Penguins -- $97
Glitterfist Lasersnakes -- $96

THUNDER BEAR -- $94
The Magic Stick -- $92

Jesus the Moose -- $91
The Sexy Badasses -- $85
Kick Azz Giants -- $84
Double-O Daddy -- $81
The Champeens -- $78

Pink Nightmare -- $77
Sic Semper Tyrannis Rex -- $58
Voodoo Browns -- $54

Barclay Street Bruisers -- $34

Top-10 Biggest Claims of the Season
1) Willis McGahee -- $55 to Paul on 9/20/13

2) Felix Jones -- $21 to Rookie on 9/18/13
3) James Starks -- $20 to Joe on 9/18/13

4) E.J. Manuel -- $18 to Mark on 9/20/13
5) Donald Brown -- $15 to Kirk on 9/14/13

6) Coby Fleener -- $13 to Rookie on 9/20/13
7) Robert Turbin -- $11 to Paul on 9/18/13
7) Leonard Hankerson -- $11 to Derrick on 9/11/13
7) Marlon Brown -- $11 to Kendall on 9/11/13
10) Aldon Smith -- $10 to Chad on 9/18/13

That's it for this special edition, but as always, remember...

GOTTA SPEND TO WIN!