Wednesday FAABnalysis -- 9/11/13

The first week of FAAB is always the most important, the most crucial, and the trickiest to navigate.  Potentially.

With that as the backdrop, and with a caffeine pill popped so I can conjure the appropriate amount of fervor and wit (and profanity), we will tackle today's FAABnalysis.

But first, some theme music.

Eat the rich.  Indeed.  But I am officially running out of songs about money.  Any ideas?  Post in the comments.

Okay, kids. Today's FAABnalysis.  To summarize:

-- 15 claims
-- 11 cash claims
-- $61 total FAAB money spent
-- $5.55 average per cash grab

We're pussy-footing into FAAB, yet again.

To the players!

Leonard Hankerson -- $11 to Derrick
dropped: Denard Robinson -- REDSHIRT BURNED!
other bids: none
I hate seeing perfectly good redshirts burned on shaky FAAB claims, but to me, this one passes the sniff test.  I had $5 on Hanky, if I failed the Marlon Brown bid (spoiler alert: I did not fail the Marlon Brown bid.)  I think Doc just landed the Skins' #3 wideout, with a chance to see more red zone and end zone looks after he clearly earned more of those juicy 6-point targets against the Iggles on Monday night.  Maybe not a super-sexy badass, but Hanky is a big, athletic, young guy with certain upside in the Redskins offense.  I like the claim, Derrick.  You were double-digit bid bold, and that's what I like to see.

This is a picture of Aldrick Robinson,
but do you really know the difference?

Marlon Brown -- $11 to Kendall
dropped: Kendall Wright
other bids: $8 to Paul, $6 to Rookie, $6 to Nathan, $5 to Mark
A wise man once told me: "Marlon Brown is the 2nd-best WR/TE on the Ravens roster right now."  For $11, and badly in need of a WR3 for the Pink Nightmare, I will take that!  Meanwhile, I'm relieved there was some peripheral action on Brown, lest I look like a fool for dropping $11 on the guy.  But look, I said it last year and I'll say it again now -- the nickel-and-dime bullshit doesn't / won't / can't / shouldn't work in the CKL's FAAB.  Big bids, especially early in the season, that's the path to FAAB success.  Throw haymakers, son.  Make it rain to see the titties.

My claims gets pictures that make them look awesome.
Your claims get disparaging, denegrating pics that suggest fellatio.

Philip Rivers -- $8 to Ben
dropped: Josh Freeman
other bids: none
Ben's been taking my sloppy seconds his whole life, so why stop now?  Wanna know what pisses me off the most about Philip Rivers?  One L in Phillip.  Give me a fucking break.  What's next?  Philyp Rivers?  Phylllyp?  Fylllllypp?  I'll just go with Nathan on this one, and just call the bitch Phyllis.

Ready to receive dick, into mouth.

Brandon Jacobs -- $8 to Joe
dropped: Ryan Tannehill
other bids: $7 to Rookie
Sorry Joe, but I think Da'Rel Scott was the correct claim to make here.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Heck, I probably am wrong, I've been wrong all my life.  But I'm pretty sure that since Jacobs was cut from the Niners, he's been living in a house trailer with JaMarcus Russell, mainlining Purple Drank, gorging on fried turkeylegs, and pounding meth whores.  Can Jacobs help the Giants right now?  His primary upside is that he's not a former Hokie or Terrapin, so there's hope.  Plus, he's a fat running back, always one of my favorite player archetypes (close second: white wide receivers with long hair).

But good on Jacobs for this:

Glass houses, B-Jake.  Ain't it grand to throw some stones?

Harry Douglas -- $8 to Russ
dropped: Marcedes Lewis
other bids: $4 to Mark
Aside from having a name that makes him sound like a porn star... uhhh... what was I going to say?  Oh, aside from his name, Hairy Douglas has a little game.  I think he's at best the Falcs' #4 option in the passing game, and #5 if S-Jax can really catch as well as people seem to think.  But hey, don't let the minimized role dissuade you here, Russ.  Hairy can play.  He's always one of those guys I'd love to roster if our bench had about five more spots.  If Roddy ain't right, Hairy benefits.

Harry Douglas

Carson Palmer -- $5 to Rookie
dropped: Zach Sudfeld
other bids: $2 to Norris
I don't want to post a pic of a real-life vagina on this blog, so that you can test my hypothesis that you can zoom in and see Carson Palmer's face hidden in the pixels.  So instead, here's this:

IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE THE HOT DOG
LOOKS LIKE A DICK HE'S ABOUT TO SUCK!

Brandon Bolden -- $5 to Kendall
dropped: Mike Tolbert
other bids: none
I can't remember if I actually heard this, or if I just dreamt it... but didn't Belichick say that Bolden would replace Vereen as the Pats' receiving back?  Judging by the lack of opposing bids, I will assume it was a dream.  Stupid me.  But anyway, I'll take a taste.

Dumpster Diving...

Airwolf, $2 to Nathan -- Gotta throw two Gee-Dubyas at Jerome Simpson to see if the 7-140 stat line was real or just a hallucination.  Meanwhile:

Zach Brown, $1 to Rookie -- Much better than Tulloch.  Nice grab and squeeze, Rookie, you fucking preevert.

Kellen Winslow, $1 to Nathan -- Cherry popped!  It's the first Airport Cinnabon of the season!

Dallas Clark, $0 to Mark -- (dropped: Justin Hunter -- REDSHIRT BURNED!)  To quote Paulie, our resident Ratbirds fan: "Dallas Clark is a washed-up bum who has clearly lost his will to live a football life, but unfortunately he's going to see lots of targets."  Congratulations, Mark!

Geno Smith, $0 to Norris -- I honestly thought he'd go for more than this.  Maybe it's a good grab for Norris.  Maybe.  The only comment I want to make is that - despite their win over the Bucs - the Jets are fantasy football leprosy.  Don't get too close, lest your roster will rot from within.

The rest?  Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft.

Remaining Budgets
The Champeens -- $100
Blackpool Penguins -- $100
Barclay Street Bruisers -- $100
Juris United -- $100
Double-O Daddy -- $100
The Sexy Badasses -- $100
Glitterfist Lasersnakes -- $97
THUNDER BEAR -- $97
Sic Semper Tyrannis Rex -- $93
Jesus the Moose -- $92
The Magic Stick -- $92
Kick Azz Giants -- $89
Voodoo Browns -- $85
Pink Nightmare -- $84

Biggest Claims to Date
Leonard Hankerson -- $11 to Derrick on 9/11/13
Marlon Brown -- $11 to Kendall on 9/11/13
Philip Rivers -- $8 to Ben on 9/11/13
Brandon Jacobs -- $8 to Joe on 9/11/13
Harry Douglas -- $8 to Russ on 9/11/13
Carson Palmer -- $5 to Rookie on 9/11/13
Brandon Bolden -- $5 to Kendall on 9/11/13

That's it for this week.  But as always, remember...

GOTTA SPEND TO WIN!