Path to the Playoffs

Jenna, you wicked temptress.
You are a damn slut.  Vixen whore.

Thanks to the Jenna von Oÿ (6th seed in the playoffs goes to the highest-scoring team not among the top 5 seeds), a very cut and dried set of CKL playoff berths are instead quite murky.  We essentially have seven teams vying for six playoff spots, and one of the teams is going to lose this game of musical chairs.

Ahhhh, musical chairs.  Reminds me of this video...

Anyway, the six teams with winning records all have great shots at the playoffs... but thanks to the Jenna and Kirk's Achilles Heels, no one is completely safe.  Let's take a closer look at each of these seven teams' path to the playoffs, in descending order of postseason likelihood.


THUNDER BEAR -- 9-3 / 1247.6 points scored
Easy enough for the BEAR: win and you're in.  And facing the 5-7 (1057.2 points scored) Kick Azz Giants, that win doesn't figure to be too terribly difficult to obtain.  If the BEAR loses to the KAG, Nathan can still rest easy on a nice, fluffy 25+ points lead for any/all tiebreakers.  His 66.2-point lead over the Achilles Heels is ironclad protection against falling prey to the Jenna.  He might lose out on the ORANGE Division Pennant and a first round bye, but I think his playoff berth is pretty much guaranteed.  Pulling for: Juris United, Jesus the Moose, Nth Degree, and The Champeens.

Pink Nightmare -- 9-3 / 1206.7 points scored
Another "win and you're in" scenario faces the Nightmare, and Kendall's game comes against the 1-11 (934.8 points scored) Juris United.  So everything looks secure... until you figure in the sprawling history of insane upsets in this Polished Turd rivalry game.  A loss to Juris coupled with wins by both the Blackpool Penguins and Double-O Daddy plunges the Pink Nightmare into Jenna territory, where his 25.3-point lead over the Heels feels shaky (especially considering the fact that if the Nightmare loses to Juris United, they probably didn't score many points.)  Pulling for: Kick Azz Giants, Jesus the Moose, Nth Degree, and The Champeens.

Jesus the Moose -- 9-3 / 1206.4 points scored
A week 13 win for Jesus the Moose locks up a playoff spot and a first round bye as the BLUE Division champion.  But here's the rub: the Moose is playing against the red-hot and super-tough Blackpool Penguins.  Losing that game hands the division over to the Penguins (or maybe Double-O Daddy), and puts the Moose into position to be victimized by the Jenna.  25 points separate Moose from a fate worse than death -- winning nine games and missing the playoffs.  BEAR, Nightmare, Bruisers, and O-Dad are all big Moose fans this weekend, as a win over the Penguins assures playoff berths for all four of those teams, as well.  Pulling for: Kick Azz Giants, Juris United, Nth Degree, and The Champeens.

Barclay Street Bruisers -- 9-3 / 1197.2 points scored
The Bruisers are the fourth 9-3 team, and thus the last "win and you're in" playoff hopeful.  They face the Nth Degree (3-9 / 996.7 points scored) in week 13, and that looks like an easy win, given Nth's late season collapse and emergence as one of the worst teams in the league.  But if the fates turn cruel and the Bruisers end up as Luisers, there's still the safety net of both the Blackpool Penguins and/or Double-O Daddy losing.  If the Bruisers lose and both of those teams win, Paul will be stacking his wobbly 15.8-point advantage against whatever the Achilles Heels can score in week 13, or trying to outpace the Nightmare or Moose (if either/both lose) in order to avoid being von Oÿed by the Heels.  Pulling for: Kick Azz Giants, Juris United, Jesus the Moose, and The Champeens.

Blackpool Penguins -- 8-4 / 1222 points scored
I lied.  There's one last "win and you're in" team, and it's the Blackpool Penguins.  You see, a win over the Moose in week 13 means the Penguins end up tied with the Moose, with more points scored.  Therefore, there would be no way the Penguins could lose their spot to the Jenna.  However, a loss to the Moose puts the Moose, BEAR, Nightmare, and Bruisers into the playoffs, and forces Norris to fight against Kirk for that 6th seed, or maybe Chad for the 5th seed (if the O-Dad also loses).  The Penguins hold a healthy 40.6-point lead over the Heels, so there's not a whole lot to worry about for Norris.  Pulling for: Kick Azz Giants, Juris United, Nth Degree, and The Champeens.

Double-O Daddy -- 8-4 / 1216.5 points scored
Here's where things start to get really scary.  O-Dad is playing his week 13 game against The Champeens, and you know Mark will be fired up to try to win this game after last season's harsh words were exchanged between these two coaches.  The Peens are 4-8 on the season, with 991.7 points scored.  Not a great team, but still a potentially dangerous opponent.  An O-Dad loss puts the Moose, BEAR, Nightmare, and Bruisers into the playoffs, and forces Chad to fight against Kirk for that 6th seed, or maybe Norris for the 5th seed (if the Penguins also lose).  O-Daddy currently holds a 35.1-point lead over the Heels, so it's a nice pillow of points to rest upon.  Pulling for: Kick Azz Giants, Juris United, and Nth Degree.

It seems likely to me that these six teams with winning records will ultimately make it to the playoffs.  However, if things go badly for any of the six, here is the challenger:

Achilles Heels -- 4-8 / 1181.4 points scored
The path to the playoffs for the Heels is pretty simple: score, score, score, score, and score some more in week 13.  Hope that both the Penguins and Daddy win, and the Nightmare and Bruisers lose, so you can take a crack at the three lowest point totals among the six teams with winning records -- Pink Nightmare's 1206.7, Jesus the Moose's 1206.4, and Barclay Street Bruisers' 1197.2.  It's a longshot for the Heels, but the possibility exists for a team with a losing record to make it to the Big Dance.


Best of luck to all seven of these teams on the path the playoffs!