Thanksgiving FAABnalysis -- 11/28/13

What you don't want to have the Tuesday before Thanksgiving: A nasty stomach bug screaming through your house and home, reducing you and your family to a wheezing, retching wreck.  I AM THANKFUL FOR NAUSEA AND VOMITING, FOR FOAMY DIARRHEA, FOR HAVING THE OPPORTUNITY TO CLEAN MY KIDS' PUKE OUT OF THE CARPET WHILE I MYSELF AM HOLDING BACK BARF, AND FOR A WEIRD / INTENSE FEVER ONCE MY STOMACH FINALLY STARTS TO STABILIZE.

Fuck you, Pilgrims.  Fuck you, Indians.  Hell with it, fuck you, too, India.  And Indiana.

Fuck you, cornucopia.  I never fucking understood you, anyway.  What are you, like a giant fucking bugle, filled with raw corn and shit?  It's fucking strange.

Okay, so I guess it's like a weird basket without a flat bottom.  Kinda renders it useless if you ask me.  Like when you lay it down, it just lets the pumpkin and apple and tomatoes and onions and corn roll out.  Retarded.

Throwing out a vine to the online dictionary.

cor·nu·co·pi·a  (kôrn-kp-, -ny-)

n.

1. A goat's horn overflowing with fruit, flowers, and grain, signifying prosperity. Also called horn of plenty.

2. Greek Mythology The horn of the goat that suckled Zeus, which broke off and became filled with fruit. In folklore, it became full of whatever its owner desired.

3. A cone-shaped ornament or receptacle.

4. An overflowing store; an abundance: a cornucopia of employment opportunities.

Wait, what?  A fucking goat's horn?  Okay, that's pretty rad.  And I dig the Greek Mythology angle.

Wow.  Now I feel like an ass.

But fuck the Pilgrims.  And fuck Indiana.

I'd be a huge Jews fan, I think.

But all joking aside -- HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

I truly am thankful for this league, and for each of the 13 of you guys.  Hell, I'm even thankful for Ken, Joe-Joe, Brian Steele, that guy Tom, and even John Hall.  Turkey it up today, you guys.  And when push comes to shove, do yourself a favor and opt for the cranberry sauce instead of the gravy.

Okay, here's your soundtrack for this week, just because I really enjoyed the overlay during the intro to the first Governor-only episode two weeks ago, and the song has been stuck in my head:

It's the nature of the beast.  FAABnalysis kind of peters out at the end of the season, because we're mostly out of money and the talent pool is dryer than my balls after blasting off while watching The Good Morning Show on Sprout.

But yet we go through the motions.  And who knows?  Maybe one of these claims will help power one of us on a Cup run?

I'm skipping the stats, though.  They've always been lame, and I don't give enough of a shit to add numbers in (and on my fingers) my head right now.

Claims!

Ladarius Green -- $9 to Kendall

Dropped: Mychal Rivera
Other Bids: $4 to Chad
He's a big, young, talented tight end who currently seems to be eating Antonio Gates' lunch.  I bid $9 so I could safely outbid everyone but Chad, Russ, and Doc.  Because if Jordan Reed is going to be a pussy about this concussion, I'm going to need a tight end, and Green looked like the best shot in the dark at a late-season explosion.
Grade: Pumpkin Pie (nobody's favorite - let's be honest - but sometimes it just tastes SO GOOD.)

Tryptophan*

Andy Dalton -- $8 to Nathan

Dropped: Case Keenum
Other Bids: none
Nathan is facing what could be a must-win game against Chad, RG3 has been playing like white dogshit, and the Red Rifle is taking aim at the Chargers and their 29th-ranked defense against opposing QBs.  It all makes sense, and I personally guarantee that Dalton will deliver the goods for Nate on Sunday.  300 yards, 2 touchdowns, book it.  If he does come through and makes Nathan look smart for making this claim and benching Bob, it's a COTY feather in the cap.  But let's not get ahead of ourselves yet.
Grade: Honey-Glazed Ham (the surprisingly awesome alternative to turkey!)

Suck my dick.

BenJarvus Green-Ellis -- $5 to Chad

Dropped: Mike Glennon
Other Bids: none
Last season, the Bengals found a way to make a late 7-1 rally by nutting up and going with the power run fueled by the Law Firm.  I'm predicting a similar path this season, which means Green-Ellis could emerge as a decent RB2/RB3 for a CKL playoff run.  We'll see.  Gio Bernard will continue to cut deep into his carries, and the passing game (despite Dalton's struggles) is much improved due to the emergence of other weapons.  I think Law Firm is a fine bench add for this point in the season.
Grade: Stuffing (as in, you are stuffing your bench.)

Dumpster Diving...

Justin Hunter, $1 to Mark -- He's flashing, and this was a smart grab.

Seyi Ajirotutu, $0 to Alan -- I love this guy, but I doubt his role is going to be anywhere close to fantasy-worthy.

Jermaine Gresham, $0 to Alan -- Could be good, but I hate how he and Eifert cannibalize each others' production.

Jacob Tamme, $0 to Paul -- THE JULIUS THOMAS HANDCUFF.

Benny Cunningham, $0 to Joe -- THE ZAC STACY HANDCUFF.

C.J. Anderson, $0 to Nathan -- THE KNOWSHON MORENO HANDCUFF?

(The previous three claims is what makes fantasy football, and the CKL in particular, so magical.)

Brandon Bolden, $0 to Nathan -- One of these days, Ridley is going to fumble, get benched, and never be heard from again.

Lance Briggs, $0 to Russ -- Well played, Mister Hudgins.

Remaining Budgets

Kick Azz Giants -- $45
The Magic Stick -- $18
Double-O Daddy -- $13

Pink Nightmare -- $9

The Champeens -- $4
Sic Semper Tyrannis Rex -- $4
Jesus the Moose -- $3
The Sexy Badasses -- $3
Glitterfist Lasersnakes -- $1

Everyone else is straight TAPPED.

Top-10 Biggest Claims of the Season
1) Nick Foles -- $58 to Ben on 10/16/13
2) Willis McGahee -- $55 to Paul on 9/20/13
3) Joseph Randle -- $51 to Norris on 10/16/13
4) Harry Douglas -- $40 to Kendall on 10/9/13
5) Marvin Jones -- $39 to Kirk on 10/30/13
6) Mike James -- $31 to Norris on 10/23/13
7) Brandon Jacobs -- $27 to Patrick on 10/16/13
8) Jason Campbell -- $25 to Mark on 10/30/13
9) Jake Locker -- $22 to Paul on 10/2/13
10) Chris Ogbonnaya -- $21 to Patrick on 10/16/13
10) Felix Jones -- $21 to Rookie on 9/18/13



That's it for this week's edition, but as always, remember...

GOTTA SPEND TO WIN!

* Yeah, I know this picture is of Von Miller, but it was too funny to resist.