Week 9 Predictions and Promises, Part K

Kirk is busy getting a fourth vasectomy or just having his dick chopped completely off or something, so he's asked me to step in for him this week.  I said "suuuuuuure."  It's not like I have anything better to do, right?  So Ben went ahead and claimed the four best matchups of the week, and left me with the dregs.  I am overjoyed.  Seriously.  It gives me a distraction from pounding beers while crying over Geno Atkins' torn ACL, and it gives me a brief reprieve from considering how exactly to pour my disgusting fatbody into the fucking oven set on 550-degree broil.  Don't worry honey, it's self-cleaning!

THUNDER BEAR (4-4) @ Glitterfist Lasersnakes (3-5)

My favorite episode of Bang Bros is the one where they pick up these chicks who are stuck on the highway with a broken-down Camry and offer to give them a lift into town.  The Bros drive these bitches around in the van, they fuck, 69, 73, 84, 99, do fingercuffs, Eiffel Tower, Golden Gate Bridge, there might even be some salad tossing I think.  Anyway, once the Bang Bros are done, they drive the girls back to their Camry and leave them stuck on the side of the road.  Same situation they were in when they started, except now it's later in the day and it's about to get dark.

I bet you think I'm going to try to tie that plot in with whatever is happening in this fantasy football game.  Well, fuck you, you're wrong, and I'm not going to try to tie things together.  I just wanted to talk about Bang Bros.

But now that you mention it...

T-BEAR is kind of like the chicks, Glitterbomb is the Bang Bros, Russell Wilson is the van, Dez Bryant is the seated scissors, Greg Olsen is uncloaking the clit, Steve Smiff is the weird fat guy with the camera, and Trent Richardson is the motherfucking Camry.

Patrick by 12.7 points in a mild yet crucial late midseason upset.


Kick Azz Giants (1-7) @ Jesus the Moose (6-2)
Loch Ness Skirmish
Otherwise known as "The Nessie." Based on the mythical beast, this trophy is awarded to the winner of the rivalry game between Ben and Derrick. These two guys will probably never meet, so they are like a unicorn or chupacabra to each other.

Here's the fucked-up thing: This past Draft, in Nation Harbor, Ben and Derrick DID meet.  You could cut the tension with a rubber spatula.  In fact, at one point I thought they were going to come to blows over who had the right to go ahead and draft Brian Cushing.  Turns out, it was sexual tension all along... and it did come to blows!  Get it?  BLOWS?  I'm talking about oral sex!

Anyway, it's shit and dick jokes, just like FAABnalysis.  Don't like it?  Blame Kirk for calling in the CKL's Winston Wolf to write his part of the fucking previews.

Okay, so KAG v. Moose.  Jesus [the Moose], it's a slant-ass mismatch, ain't it?  I actually agree with Nathan in saying not so fast.  Ben has major advantages at QB (Brees over Alex Smith), RB1 (Beast Mode over FJax), and the three DPs, but Doc has him nipped at the other positions.  If guys like DeSean Jackson, Count Gronkula, and Seabass can win their positional matchups by 3-5 points each, then the huge advantage Derrick has at Flex (Stevan Ridley over Jacoby Jones) could be enough to scratch out a win.  Boil it down, and Ben needs a big game out of Brees and Lynch, while Doc needs Ridley to run wild.  I could see it going either way... but just to be controversial I will predict the monumental upset.

Derrick by 0.3 points.  Shock the world, young man.  Show these people what pride looks like.


The Sexy Badasses (4-4) @ Barclay Street Bruisers (5-3)
The Mad Dog Award

Barry Sanders in Bengals stripes.

I think Paulie got the message.  FREE GIO!  Homeboy's 22.4 points on TNF put Kirk behind an 8-ball, and FAAB Flavor of the Week Marvin Jones only notched 6.6 points.  That's still an upgrade over whatever hot feces Kirk's ben splattering into his WR spots through the first eight weeks of the season, and this team still lives and dies on whether or not A-Rodge and Purple Jesus can combine for 50 points.

Paul's team looks very mortal this week, but he's got enough 10-point scoring potential (A-Jeff, Kendall Wright, That Kid from Terminator 2) among his players to be able to ride that early lead to a narrow win, surviving the Rodgers/Peterson explosion.

Paul by 8.2 points.

Note to Kirk: You have to do something, man.  You have got to do something.  You've had a two-player team for way too long, you're almost impossible to trade with, and you rarely ever propose your own trades.  You are going to ride Rodgers and Peterson down into the Valley of Darkness, never to be heard from again.  Here, now - RIGHT FUCKING NOW - November, 2013.  This is your last chance to save your team from complete oblivion.  Are you going to be the Bang Bros, or are you going to be the Camry chicks who get meatplowed and left for dead?

Let's see what you do.  Your move, bitch.

I love you buddy, but you needed to hear that.


Okay, fuck it.  That's it from me.  I guess you'll hear from Ben with the other four games, maybe sometime late Sunday afternoon.  Get off his back, it's hard to type with dickfingers.  Plus, his secretary is not available to take diction on the weekends.

But on Monday she'll be ready to take dic... tion.