Wow.
Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.
WowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW.
Huge day of FAAB action. I'm honored to strap on my lambskins and jump into analyzing this awesomeness for you.
Here's a great song for this week's soundtrack, spawned from the fact that I am binge-watching Breaking Bad from the beginning (awesome, awesome show, by the way):
Here's your fucking stats.
-- 20 claims
-- 14 cash claims
-- $220 total FAAB money spent
-- $15.71 average per cash grab
I dream of a day when $12-$15 is the average amount paid for a claim in the CKL. I think we're getting there, but we're still too bashful early in the season. Always remember that there is $1400 of total FAABcash in the league each season. Sermon over.
No grades today. Fuck grades. Besides, who am I to grade your claims? I am not the God of FAAB. Plus:
On to the claims...
Nick Foles -- $58 to BenDropped: Daniel Thomas
Other Bids: $20 to Norris, $11 to Nathan, $8 to Kendall, $2 to Joe
Crafty business from Ben here today. $58 was an enormous bid. But think about it... Brees is on bye, Ben's playing against the Pink Nightmare, Foles looked good against the Bucs and now gets to face the Cowboys' 32nd-ranked defense against QBs. Ben's 4-2, and maybe not completely desperate for a win over my Nightmare, but 5-2 is much safer than 4-3... and this was a very strong play to get to 5-2. I like everything about this, except for the fact that Ben overbid by $38. That's a lot, boys and girls. But Ben's throwing money around like any good CEO should. He just made it rain in the great FAAB strip club, and now he's in the back room eating a bowl of cherries while getting a hands-on lap dance from a fancy lady that looks like this:
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| Ack! Boner assassin. |
Joseph Randle -- $51 to Norris
Dropped: Tashard Choice
Other Bids: $27 to Russ, $16 to Rookie, $10 to Chad, $8 to Alan, $5 to Kendall, $4 to Joe
Wait, is DeMarco Murray hurt or something? He is?!? DEMARCO MURRAY IS HURT??!!? Holy shit, I am completely shocked. Randle's a rookie, and a good little player. I like the claim for Norris, who has to be tasting the sour nectar of desperation right now. You get backed into a corner, you should be throwing money and trade offers around to fight your way out like a wounded animal. Respect. Anyway, this kid Randle can play. See for yourself:
Is it so farfetched to think he might take Captain Brittlesworth DeMarco Murray's job and run away and hide? Didn't Murray do that to... Fix it Felix Jones? There's a precedent for this kind of shit in Dallas, is all I'm saying.
Nice claim, Hansel.
Brandon Jacobs -- $27 to Patrick
Dropped: Mychal Kendricks
Other Bids: $12 to Chad, $8 to Rookie, $5 to Kendall, $2 to Joe
You win the auction for Brandon Jacobs. Hooray. What's next? Denying or suppressing your feelings to the point where you feel stifled, probably. Then you become obsessed with your body, and develop a fatal addiction to control, to calorie restriction, binging and purging, and over-exercise. Next is self-mutilation by way of secret cutting, burning yourself with cigarette butts, picking holes in your skin, pulling out clumps of your hair, and self-stabbing. Then comes binge drinking. Funnels and tubes, maybe even some buttchugging. Vodka mostly, it's the cheapest, and you hate yourself. Of course, serious drug abuse is next. Bad stuff, too. Heroin. Coke. Meth. Fucking BLUE meth. Crackrocks. Bad stuff. It's a path of self-destruction that you are now on, Patrick. I am officially worried about you. Fucking Brandon Jacobs.
Dropped: Tashard Choice
Other Bids: $27 to Russ, $16 to Rookie, $10 to Chad, $8 to Alan, $5 to Kendall, $4 to Joe
Wait, is DeMarco Murray hurt or something? He is?!? DEMARCO MURRAY IS HURT??!!? Holy shit, I am completely shocked. Randle's a rookie, and a good little player. I like the claim for Norris, who has to be tasting the sour nectar of desperation right now. You get backed into a corner, you should be throwing money and trade offers around to fight your way out like a wounded animal. Respect. Anyway, this kid Randle can play. See for yourself:
Nice claim, Hansel.
Dropped: Mychal Kendricks
Other Bids: $12 to Chad, $8 to Rookie, $5 to Kendall, $2 to Joe
You win the auction for Brandon Jacobs. Hooray. What's next? Denying or suppressing your feelings to the point where you feel stifled, probably. Then you become obsessed with your body, and develop a fatal addiction to control, to calorie restriction, binging and purging, and over-exercise. Next is self-mutilation by way of secret cutting, burning yourself with cigarette butts, picking holes in your skin, pulling out clumps of your hair, and self-stabbing. Then comes binge drinking. Funnels and tubes, maybe even some buttchugging. Vodka mostly, it's the cheapest, and you hate yourself. Of course, serious drug abuse is next. Bad stuff, too. Heroin. Coke. Meth. Fucking BLUE meth. Crackrocks. Bad stuff. It's a path of self-destruction that you are now on, Patrick. I am officially worried about you. Fucking Brandon Jacobs.
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| This mean motherfucker will ruin your life. |
Dropped: Bobby Rainey
Other Bids: none
Silent-G! It's pronounced "OH-buh-nye-uhh," FYI. So... uh... yeah... $21 was a bit much here. Especially considering his ongoing yo-yo on and off of CKL rosters (see below). He's a fine player, good chops as a helper in the passing game, and the most valuable Browns back for the rest of the season... but... yeah... $21 was a bit much here. $3 was an appropriate bid, as you can see. Quick numbers crunching... wait for it... wait for it... carry the 4... wait for it... yeah, so quick numbers crunching says this was a $21 overbid. $18 over the usual asking amount for Silent-G. He's a good-enough player on a team that needs his unique skillset, but $3 gets the player. $21 was massive overkill, given the bidding history on this specific player in this specific situation. Anyway, you get it. Good player. Overbid. You get it.
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| I swear I'm not putting this here to humiliate you, Patrick. |
Jarrett Boykin -- $12 to Kirk
Dropped: Delanie Walker
Other Bids: $4 to Joe, $3 to Kendall
I will not indulge blatant Virginia Tech homerism with commentary in FAABnalysis. We get it, it's cute. VT guy, filling in for the hobbled Randy Cobb and Jamie Jones. We get it. It's cute. Fuck yourself.
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| Just because. |
PS -- You should have dropped Matt Schaub to make this claim, genius.
Dropped: Harrison Smith
Other Bids: $6 to Russ, $2 to Joe, $0 to Paul
I like two kinds of football players: white guys with long hair, and offensive skill position players who are fat. A.J. Hawk has the hair, so this checks out. Meanwhile, big ol' Mike Tolbert (a fat skill position guy) has a new nickname! It's no longer MiniTank. Now it's Kool-Aid Man!
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| "OH, YEAAHH!" |
Dropped: Tyler Eifert
Other Bids: none
Does anyone else feel like they're being slightly dateraped when one of your draft picks is claimed via FAAB? I don't know what a "slight" daterape is, by the way. Maybe a tender padiddle under the blanket while you're watching reruns of Parks and Rec? Also, I'm pretty sure that dateraped should be two words, or at least a compound word with a hyphen. Date-raped. Yeah, that looks better. Anyway, Aaron Dobson... Hmmmmmm... Well, there's a 50-50 chance he'll score you 5 points if you ever start him. Otherwise, he's dateraping your roster on gameday.
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| Leslie Knope: hot or... nope? |
PS -- Chad, I said a bunch of weird shit about your claim to confuse and annoy you. However, I know you prefer football analysis, so I'll give you some. The Patriots drafted Dobson to be a size/speed downfield threat, but he's raw coming out of Marshall. So they are easing him into his role slowly. I think he'll have some serious FF value in 2014 and especially 2015. But in 2013, you're just getting the milquetoast kid-gloved training effort, with the associated [lack of] production. It will be inconsistent and ultimately it will be infuriating. I expect to see Dobsie back in the CKL free agent pool within the next three weeks, if not sooner. But if someone is desperate for a #3 keeper, this would not be a terrible desperation play.
Dropped: Airwolf
Other Bids: none
Something is going to click here, and soon. The Saints have an aging and creaky Marques Colston on the outside, and the sun has finally set on Lance Moore's career in the slot. Opportunity is knocking hard for Kenny Stills, who is talented, young, explosive, and everything you want in a wideout in this offense. I tend to like Nathan's moves, and this is no different. An excellent grab & stash, if a little pricey at $8.
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| You're bidding an extra $3 for the ink and an extra $2 for the hair. |
Dropped: Donald Butler
Other Bids: $0 to Kendall
Mr. I HATE IDPS is kicking all of our asses when it comes to IDPs. Claiming Beastly Beason is his latest earthshattering move, and it's a good one.
Dropped: Garrett Graham
Other Bids: none
Like I said, I tend to like Nathan's moves. But this one I hate. Maybe Graham was droppable, but Fauria is no upgrade. This is Alan-Picking-Up-Eddie-Royal, Redux. Except Alan got Royal for free. And Royal gets some yardage numbers. Sorry Nate, but I hate it. However, I love the guy's dorky end zone celebrations. Very Mark Madsen-esque.
Dropped: Matt Schaub
Other Bids: none
Now here's a sexy badass! *snicker*
Dropped: Vincent Brown
Other Bids: $0 to Kendall
Seriously guys, get your filthy mitts offa my draft picks!
Dumpster Diving...
Khiry Robinson, $2 to Rookie -- He's the new Chris Ivory in New Orleans, and he deserves to be rostered. After Rookie got dateraped by Ben last week, he's padiddling under the blanket on Paul and the FAAB list this week. Nicely done. Pay it forward.
PS -- What the fuck kind of name is "Khiry." Jeez.
Austin Collie, $0 to Kendall -- This is somehow worse than a Cinnabon at the airport. It's like using a gloryhole to lick buttholes. I have a short, stubby tongue, so I'm not sure exactly that would work... Plus, that's me putting my mouth somewhere only dicks are supposed to go. Ugh. Austin Collie. I wonder if his brains taste like scrambled eggs?
Best Claims Available on Friday
Bask in the rainbow glow of my blimp-like ego!
-- QB Ryan Tannehill
-- RB Mike Tolbert
-- RB Andre Brown
-- WR Riley Cooper
-- WR Cole Beasley
-- WR Rod Streater
-- WR Airwolf
-- WR Leo Hankerson
-- WR Vincent Brown
-- WR Brandon LaFell
-- TE Garrett Graham
-- TE Tim Wright (I refuse to refer to someone as Timothy)
Bask in the rainbow glow of my blimp-like ego!
-- QB Ryan Tannehill
-- RB Mike Tolbert
-- RB Andre Brown
-- WR Riley Cooper
-- WR Cole Beasley
-- WR Rod Streater
-- WR Airwolf
-- WR Leo Hankerson
-- WR Vincent Brown
-- WR Brandon LaFell
-- TE Garrett Graham
-- TE Tim Wright (I refuse to refer to someone as Timothy)
Remaining Budgets
Kick Azz Giants -- $74
The Magic Stick -- $65
Double-O Daddy -- $61
The Sexy Badasses -- $51
The Champeens -- $48
Juris United -- $45
THUNDER BEAR -- $40
Pink Nightmare -- $35
Blackpool Penguins -- $31
Glitterfist Lasersnakes -- $25
Jesus the Moose -- $23
Sic Semper Tyrannis Rex -- $23
Voodoo Brown -- $14
Barclay Street Bruisers -- $7
Kick Azz Giants -- $74
The Magic Stick -- $65
Double-O Daddy -- $61
The Sexy Badasses -- $51
The Champeens -- $48
Juris United -- $45
THUNDER BEAR -- $40
Pink Nightmare -- $35
Blackpool Penguins -- $31
Glitterfist Lasersnakes -- $25
Jesus the Moose -- $23
Sic Semper Tyrannis Rex -- $23
Voodoo Brown -- $14
Barclay Street Bruisers -- $7
Paul leads the race for The Blown Load!
1) Nick Foles -- $58 to Ben on 10/16/13
2) Willis McGahee -- $55 to Paul on 9/20/13
3) Joseph Randle -- $51 to Norris on 10/16/13
4) Harry Douglas -- $40 to Kendall on 10/9/13
5) Brandon Jacobs -- $27 to Patrick on 10/16/13
6) Jake Locker -- $22 to Paul on 10/2/13
7) Chris Ogbonnaya -- $21 to Patrick on 10/16/13
7) Felix Jones -- $21 to Rookie on 9/18/13
9) James Starks -- $20 to Joe on 9/18/13
10) E.J. Manuel -- $18 to Mark on 9/20/13
That's it for this week's edition, but as always, remember...
GOTTA SPEND TO WIN!
Love that TVOTR track. Whole record is worth a spin or two. Big FAAB day. Contenders and pretenders bolding up their flavors to make a move to attack or defend. I don't think the talent was worth making it rain like this, but we've hit that midseason panic point (on all sides) and its fun to see folks getting freaky. Fauria is my desperation bye week TE. Unless someone wants to trade me one.
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