Week 5 Predictions and Promises: Part 2

Hey friends.  It's time for our second half of prediction and general shenanigans about pretend football.  Paul will be our guest author this week for the immensely prestigious "Battle of Evermore" between Kirk and I.  Trim up your man hair, because it will guarantee some closer lovin'.

Glitterfist Lasersnakes (1-3) vs. Juris United (2-2)
Line: Even

Ooooh an even line!  And at an impressive 80 points.  Should be a barn burner.

At least it's the luxury version.

I gotta say, Patrick is looking stronger and stronger.  He has opened up the trade doors and despite walking Peyton Manning out the door, has the Snakes poised to turn things around.  If Dez Bryant can live up to expectations and Russell Wilson has one of his up weeks, Alan could be trekking through a shit storm dressed as a port-a-potty.

I could see Alan's IDPs continuing to dominate.  Demayrius Thomas will surely catch a bazillion balls raining down from the sky as the Denver offense blows up Dallas.  But in the end I think we can all agree that Eli is painful to watch, MJD is gonna get gang tackled as the only game in town for the Jags, and Ryan Matthews, well, Alan is very familiar with disappointment at his hands.

Lasersnakes by 20




Barclay Street Bruisers (3-1) vs. Blackpool Penguins (2-2)
Line: Bruisers by 7


The Manning / Brady rivalry comes to fantasy football.  Peyton has been touched by the fantasy gods this year, so even though Brady is cruising along, the edge at QB goes to Paul.

The receivers are a mixed bag with Julio Jones holding the only reliable spot out of the bunch.  Boldin wishes the NFL season was only one game long, Cobb wishes the Packers had less mouths to feed, and Torrey Smith wishes Baltimore could remember that they are defending champions.  Edge Mr. Bunn.

If you aren't excited by Gio Bernard you aren't paying attention.  He looks like the real deal and Paul looks really smart for drafting him so early (I admittedly questioned it, so...yeah).  Now if you aren't excited by Bilal Powell, I understand.  But he has put up some decent numbers and seems to be the only thing worth celebrating for the Jets.  He might be a backup on every other team in the NFL, but he sees a lot of action in NY.  Slight edge to Paul's Bruisers.

The defense goes to Norris solely on the basis of JJ Watt, who I have determined is not of this world.

Still Paul continues his winning ways as Manning continues what may be a record setting season.  Bruisers by 5 or so.


Kick Azz Giants (0-4) vs. Voodoo Browns (1-3)
Line: KAG by ???

Sorry, but I started this too late to catch the line.  Now Derrick's team appears off to an orgasmic start with Fred Jackson dropping 21.3 on the Browns (both real life and fantasy).  Could this be the week that Doc posts a W?  I hope so, but worry that another loss may escalate Joe's trading attempts to Chinese sweat shop levels.  He'll just keep pumping out offer after offer and the product will look worse and worse.  When is that Sellers luck gonna turn around?

But look, Joe has some good keepers in line - Graham, Luck, Muscle Hamster, even Harvin...maybe.  It could turn around, but who wants to wait that long.

Oh, Gronk, your wit makes me want to leave Gisele.  Why is our love forbidden?

Derrick also has to see some shiny toys for the future; only his future may be a little sooner. Kaepernick is going to break out of this funk.  Wayne and DeSean are consistent every week so far.  David Wilson looks a little better with each passing week.  And Gronk is getting ready to come back and reestablish his love affair with Brady.  I am not sure Kirk should ahve written the KAG off yet.

KAG by 12