Week 7 Predictions and Promises from Montana

Hold on a sec, have any games been played yet?  No?  Well what do you know, I am early.  Cherish this moment, you bastards, because it is likely to never happen again.

Somehow I have landed here in Phoenix on the exact Thursday the Cardinals play on the NFL network.  Yes, a coworker and I overpaid for tickets, but it is worth it.  But a problem has crept in, as I managed to let loyalty fall living in Montana and have really enjoyed proximity to Seattle, including the Legion of Boom, Russell Wilson and especially Beastmode.  Even worse, I’d say my two favorite teams now play in the same division.  What to do?  Have I become one of those ridiculous fans that will attend an event in a split jersey?  Man up and stay committed to AZ?  Just get really drunk and cheer for every play?

And that is typically how I feel about this league every week – not sure who to pull for.  Do I pull with my heart for my closer friends, with my brain on who has the better team, or with my ego on what best sets my team up (yeah, that is it).  Further, the friend in me wants you all to be both successful so you’ll enjoy the CKL and fail so that the Moose can make the playoffs.  I want you to make the right choices for your roster, but get some sort of kick when things go wrong.  Fantasy football is kind of fucked up that way, but such is competition and the American way. 

Let’s just stop right there and get on with it.

Juris United (2-4) vs. Kick Azz Giants (1-5)

Line: JU by 0.3

Question for these guys, truly without malice or an attempt to be an ass: How disappointed are you with your teams?  You all had to think you were poised to make a run, right?  I mean before Kaepernick let the “America’s sexiest man” tag go to his head and before you realized pocket Hercules would play for a pocket-pool team, you had to think your teams were ready to compete.  

Now, the sledding look tough, especially for Alan, whose lone bright spots lie with Demaryius Thomas and the injured-to-return duo of Steven Jackson and Percival Harvin.  Those bright spots are about as bright as the light at the end of James Holmes’ deathbed tunnel.

At least Derrick has DJax, the surprising #1 receiver, FJax at fairly consistent, Reggie Wayne not fading as quickly as expected, Ridley finally turning the corner, and Gronk seemingly on the verge of stepping on the field.  That is a ton to be excited about, it’s just that the hole has already been dug.  The KAG will definitely play the spoiler late this season.

Giants by 15

Voodoo Brown (3-3) vs. Double O-Daddy (3-3) - The Solo Cup

Line: OOD 21.8

Ah, the solo cup.  Ya know, I hated playing these assholes in Beer Pong.  They were always on the same team and so rarely lost.  Joe’s animated in-your-face-drink-up-bitch crouch and punch and Chad’s smug, smirk when they drilled two cups and quietly asked for the balls back made everyone pull against them.  They were like the Yankees of Smith Mountain Lake Beer Pong.  I love you guys, but I loathe your Beer Pong personas.

This week don’t get to be on the same team.  And you are both sitting at .500.  And you aren’t the Yankees of the CKL (looking at you Kendall).  But Chad seems like the much stronger team at this point.  Joe has made leaps and bounds through aggressive tinkering, but Chad just has a little more studliness.

Daddy by 12

Sexy Badasses (3-3) vs. The Magic Stick (5-1) - The Civil War

Line: Stick 10.3

If you would have asked me which of these teams would be 5-1 at this point, it would have been Kirk’s team.  Perhaps naked ladies and symbols of our racist forefathers are not best for your fantasy football karma, hmmm?

But there is no denying the Sexiness of the Badasses.  They lure you in with names like Rodgers and Peterson.  You had me at Purple Jesus, Kirk!  You had me at Purple Jesus.  Not to say the Stick isn’t quietly stirring a pot full of aphrodisiacs as well.  Four starters in the top ten at their positions is something to get a chubby over.  Russ is strong and also has a logo that offends, but in a funny way.

I’m picking the upset.  Sexy by 3, if he fills that damn IDP slot on bye.

  

Blackpool Penguins (2-4) vs. Glitterfist Lasesnakes (2-4) - Lucky 13

Line: Snakes 29.4

Last, but not least we have the battle of expansion teams.

Poor Norris belongs in the same group as Derrick and Alan – high expectations and huge disappointment.  Julio Jones going down is a disaster, but I’d say the biggest letdown has to be JJ Watt.  Watt happened?  (See what I did there?  Puke).  Watt was so dominant for Blackpool last year that he earned the coveted “First IDP Drafted” spot as a reward for helping Norris to the championship game.  Now he is averaging 7 points a game and serves as a mirror for the downward spiral of the 2013 Penguins.

J Patrick Adair has gotten a ton of kudos this year for sporting a 2-4 record.  He also has 4 top-10 position guys starting and a line this week that will either make you laugh or cry. 

Both of these guys went big on Wednesday for their guys: Norris for Joseph Randle and Patrick for Brandon Jacobs.  Feels like a bit of desperation, but potentially excellent additions.  I doubt it will really make a difference this week, but hey, what do I know.

Glitterfist by 18